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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 20:36

If you want to move on, it's on you to move full stop.

She might be feeling harassed by someone walking past her and who's around all the time. She is the victim in all that, why should she leave her home town and her support group when her ex and her best friend decided to cheat on her after she had a baby?

She is not doing anything wrong. It's not great if she is not moving on for her own sake, but leave her alone.

AwFeebs · 26/01/2021 20:37

Some people hold grudges, others forgive and forget.

Sometimes our actions do follow us. That's life. We need to learn to just get on with it. Some people never forgive or forget.

phoenixrosehere · 26/01/2021 20:43

You are not the same girl you were and you needn't hang your head in shame nor scuttle away if she or her friends are around. Chances are they see your reaction to them and they thrive on it. If you stop giving them the reaction they want chances are eventually they'll get tired of it. And even if they don't, you'll soon cease to care about them and their 'looks'.

This. I think the reason she still badmouths you and stares is because you aren’t suffering the way she hopes or wanting you to. You have changed your life around and aren’t the person you were and it likely upsets her. Probably didn’t help that you still had friends that stuck by you despite your mistake and still have friends and people who care for you despite knowing what you did.

MummytoCSJH · 26/01/2021 20:48

She needs to grow up but I doubt any of her friends will tell her that. Being hurt is entirely understandable even now but as an adult and a mother it's honestly pathetic that she's giving you dirty looks and still bad mouthing you. You shouldn't have to move away because she is still acting like she is in high school.

WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer · 26/01/2021 20:54

You ruined a lot for her.

Because you were drunk, selfish, inconsiderate (and probably enjoying scoring your friend's boyfriend, if you care to admit it). You have shown her who you are.

Why should she forgive you? Because you apologized, have matured, sobered up? None of these excuses will at present have any impact on the consequences she suffered because of your actions back then.

Can all actions be excused by youth and inconsideration in your opinion? Drink driving? Violence?

Gncq · 26/01/2021 20:58

She sounds like a maniac to be honest, I mean, HE slept with you. He took advantage of you whilst he was attached to your ex friend.

She's mad at YOU after all these years? What about HIM?

Please just try to rise above it as best as you can. They say the best revenge is living well.

See your friends like you should, go out like you should (advice obviously not useful during Covid pandemic but, generally speaking....) rise above it. For her to be so petty after a decade, is simply unhinged.

Shrivelled · 26/01/2021 20:58

At aged 18/19 you’re not a child and having low self esteem and taking drugs does not excuse being a heartless, selfish arse. Actions have consequences and this is an inconvenient consequence for you. If you’ve grown up as much as you say you have, you’ll find a way to deal with it.

Gncq · 26/01/2021 21:00

WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer

FFS and the bloke was completely blameless wasn't he....

Gncq · 26/01/2021 21:05

The OP admits she had low self esteem, partied too much, a bloke who was already attached at the time sees OP as an "easy shag", gets off completely scott free, while OP has TEN YEARS of upset?

It's ridiculous.

Craftycorvid · 26/01/2021 21:06

Er, there is a man involved in this and presumably the OP didn’t knock him on the head, drag him off and have her way with him against his will?

WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer · 26/01/2021 21:07

Gncq I'm sure she dealt with the boyfriend, being the father of her baby maybe she tried/was forced to make it work. But he is not the OP, and I understand why OP won't be forgiven. Even though people change not everything done when young should be forgiven.

2021namechanger · 26/01/2021 21:09

@WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer well it didn’t work did it (surprise surprise). As OP has said - she is now with someone else and has a child with them.

CakeRequired · 26/01/2021 21:12

You did a shit thing, but she sounds a tad (OK very) immature. I can get her not wanting to speak to you again or be friendly, I certainly wouldn't, but I wouldn't be glaring at you or bad mouthing you. Honestly unless necessary I'd just pretend you didn't exist. You wouldn't be worthy of my attention because of what you did and because you'd not be trustworthy so why be bothered by you? Maybe that's petty too? But I just wouldn't be interested in being friendly or acquaintances with you for what you did. Someone's who has done that once is very likely to do it again.

She shouldn't be bad mouthing you though or getting her friends to glare at you.

AngeloMysterioso · 26/01/2021 21:17

@Pillowcase123

I mean, yes I can see why you want to move on and it seems unreasonable for her to still be angry towards you etc 10 years later.

However, you dont get to hurt someone and then decide how hurt they should be, how long it should last for and/or how they get over it.

Agreed.

When you’ve just had a baby you’re so wide open and raw, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. Add to that the added vulnerability of being a teen mum. She might have known this boyfriend was a twat who wouldn’t be around forever but she probably thought you were a lifer, and had imagined imagined you being Auntie Punk, or godmother to her child, someone who would always be there.

And then you fucked her boyfriend- the father of her newborn... it’s a knife in the back in the worst way, from the worst person, at the worst time. That kind of betrayal stays with you.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 21:19

It's not just "the bloke" is it? It's the father of her child. For the sake of the kid involved, if she is a decent person, she has to maintain a little bit of civility between them.

A reasonable mother won't let her child grow up knowing that she hates his dad and that's he is a complete twat. Kids have to figure out when they are old enough, not when they are 10 years old.

Why should she be forgiving of her so-called friend exactly? She can't move on if they bump into each other frequently.

If the OP is that bothered, she can move. She should. It's not up to the victim to be forced out.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 21:31

Totally understand and was expecting some harsh responses (however they have not been as harsh as I expected) and really appreciate those of you who are being supportive. I guess you are right, it's not up to me when she heals and yes, as suspected this is just a consequence of my actions that will follow me for the rest of my life until I move.

Unfortunately I will unable to move for the foreseeable and don't actually really intend to, I love where I live and as I've said I have built a life here. So yes, as stated, I will just have to deal with it. I worry how this will impact my daughter growing up as she will be at same high school as her son. But I suppose only myself to blame.

I do feel a lot of shame, I feel shame every single day, I don't walk with my head held high because even running into people I know from back then that know what I done, I still think they're judging me as the cheap, druggie, fuck up slag as they don't know me now and can't see how I've changed. I just guess it seems harsh to me.

OP posts:

Marinaloves · 26/01/2021 21:32

God why should you feel continuous shame. You did some shitty. You repented
It’s over. Don’t blame yourself anymore

Yesmate · 26/01/2021 21:34

OP please don’t feel shame every day. You fucked up. You said sorry. It was 10 years ago. She might never forgive you but you have to forgive yourself.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 21:34

The thought now of sleeping with a friends partner makes me feel physically sick, in fact, the thought of sleeping with anyone's partner does. It's totally not me, I couldn't honestly live with myself if I ever did that again. When I think back on it I can't believe I am the same person that did that, my morals and beliefs and integrity have changed so much. I don't regret much. Even the drugs and other mistakes, I don't regret it as it taught me lessons and made me who I am today. But I will always regret sleeping with her partner.

OP posts:

starsdelight · 26/01/2021 21:37

I had a best friend who slept with my boyfriend at the time, actually walked in on them doing it. I have to say it was one of the most soul destroying things I've been through! I never forgave either one them and never would. That sort of thing stays with you. You are being hurt by two people you thought you could trust and rely on. It's horrible so I'm struggling to find any sympathy for you, although with that said I probably wouldn't still be actively talking about it unless it was otherwise brought up to me. Consequences have actions at the end of the day and I honestly don't blame her reaction either.

Yesmate · 26/01/2021 21:39

You can regret it but you mustn’t let it control your daily thoughts when you walk down the street anymore. It’s done, it was done a long time ago. Be kind to who you are now.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/01/2021 21:40

If you really believe it's going to affect your daughter and there are people who openly judge you after all this time, I would plan to move when you can. I don't know what else you can do. I didn't grow up in a small town so can't really relate. It sounds awful. You don't deserve to be regularly shamed but it must be hard for her seeing you around.

phoenixrosehere · 26/01/2021 21:50

Why should she be forgiving of her so-called friend exactly? She can't move on if they bump into each other frequently.

Doesn’t sound like she actually does want to move on from it if after a decade she is still publicly badmouthing OP and choosing to go closer to OP to intimidate her. Why constantly bring it up if people already know?

She doesn’t have to forgive OP and no one says she has to, but she isn’t helping herself whatsoever with her attitude or actions.

katy1213 · 26/01/2021 21:51

You all need to broaden your horizons. But even in a small town, surely there's another social stratum that doesn't include your ex-friend and her hangers-on. She doesn't have to impinge on your life now.

Ohalrightthen · 26/01/2021 21:53

I would absolutely not send your daughter to the same school as her son - it will definitely come out and she'll suffer for it.

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