To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

[iwishiwasapunk]

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

It's not normal for her to go out of her way to glare at you, bad-mouth you, etc., but I agree with the PP who said that in her place, I'd likely not be able to "forgive and forget", and if someone asked what I thought of you, I'd probably be at least a bit honest in my response. (I certainly wouldn't pretend I thought you were a wonderful person or give you a glowing recommendation to other people.)

Yes, teenagers make mistakes, but at 18/19, you were technically an adult, and even the mistakes and poor choices of youth have a way of following you.

You can't make her change her behaviour toward you (so long as it doesn't verge into something illegal), and you've said you don't want to move, so all you can do is either avoid her or ignore her.

Hold your head up lady, you made a shitty mistake and you know this but it sounds like she is feeding off your shame. She has had 10years to lord this over you, enough is enough. Look her square in the eyes next time, let her talk but you hold your head up and show that you will not be intimidated a day longer!

Well that's hardly fair game is it if she forgave her boyfriend virtually straight away but 10 years on you're still baring the brunt. Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I can't stand double standards. He played his part as well. That's how shagging works, last time I checked.

I can see how she feels. You were supposed to be her friend, in her view you were at least partly responsible for the breakup of her relationship and denying her son a family life. That's quite some betrayal. What do you expect?

Her views won't change so you can either develop a thicker skin or move.

I do feel a lot of shame, I feel shame every single day, I don't walk with my head held high because even running into people I know from back then that know what I done, I still think they're judging me as the cheap, druggie, fuck up slag as they don't know me now and can't see how I've changed.

@iwishiwasapunk

If you aren't able to put this to rest in your own head, then I think it would be a good idea to seek counseling. Sometimes things need to be fully dragged into the light and talked through with a professional who can help you see that you don't need to punish yourself for a mistake you made years ago. It's time to stop beating yourself over the head with this. You're a good person and you deserve to be happy.

The thing is labels and assumptions have an ongoing impact. When I first started in social work I was on a care management team (no longer a thing here). I remember very well a lovely 5 year old who asked to see his half brother's penis due to curiosty/lack of boundaries. Due to mum's ongoing mental health and addiction and dad being a shit (and new partner totally presenting him as sex offender) we ended up having to place in foster care when he was a tween. For years this was on every risk assessment and brought up in every review. Totally a non-issue but the poor boy was labelled. This is not a one off, it happens to looked after children all the time.

She sounds like a maniac to be honest, I mean, HE slept with you. He took advantage of you whilst he was attached to your ex friend

What a load of rubbish, how on earth does staring at someone make you a "maniac", she hasn't done anything to the OP, not 1 single thing!

And where you come to the conclusion OP was taken advantage of I have no idea.

The thing is she doesn’t know you now. There’s someone I went to school with who was a major bully, one of my friends knows of her and asked what she was like. You don’t get a clean slate when you finish maturing.

I was your friend and my friend slept with my boyfriend (luckily I hadn’t had a baby with him). You know you have friends up but she hasn’t seen that and each time she sees you it brings that back to her. All you can do is ignore. It hurts because you knew he was hers and that she loved him, they was like screaming fuck you in her face and crapping all over her life. You did that and all you can do is move on yourself and leave her to be bitter. I don’t talk about my ex friend and ignore her existence.

@willstarttomorrow I think you posted on the wrong thread.

I kind of agree with you but it may be that the harm you did your friend will be with her all her life.

This is why I moved. Hated being reminded of silly, past mistakes. Hated running into people that bullied me and made my life hell. Just couldn't deal with it.

I love walking around the town now; I have no worries about seeing people I don't like anymore.

I think you’re being overly dramatic to see this as your mistake “following you for the rest of your life” and it’s a bit self pitying tbh. You did something awful but it actually hasn’t hugely impacted on you. I mean you say yourself you have great relationships, love where you live, have a daughter and are studying at university. You have been allowed to move on from it (despite living in a small town where nobody forgets anything) and you have a good life.

So really you’re feeling sorry for yourself because occasionally you see her around and don’t get to avoid thinking about the shitty thing you did. Which is understandable because nobody enjoys feeling guilty or ashamed but you’re not a victim in this, you don’t get to decide what another person should move on from so that you can feel better. Accept that she’s probably always going to feel this way about you and that you can’t do anything to change that, no matter how much you regret the past.

she will be at same high school as her son. But I suppose only myself to blame.

i would honestly move before this happens. Kids are cruel enough but imagine your daughter hearing "Your mum's a druggie slag". It will affect her friendships and spread the gossip to even more people when those kids tell their parents. If you feel she would be spiteful enough for her child to know then I would definitely be looking at moving.

And yes, I understand "you shouldnt have to move". You also shouldnt have to decline invitations to go on nights out just incase you see her...but you do and its a situation you are in.

I understand how you feel and how hard it is to see her sometimes. But, you need to move on and deal with it yourself. Live your life and move on from it. If you see her out, ignore the stares. If your daughter comes home one day and knows about it, tell her honestly as you've said on here that you made a mistake and you are very sorry for what you did. You cannot live your life ashamed or embarassed to walk around your own town.

If your current partner ever sleeps with someone else you will only then understand the pain your actions caused your friend - then wait ten years and see if you've 'got over it'. Some things are so awful they stay with you for life - you have to learn to live with the consequences but you never get over it. I wouldn't forgive you either - the fact that you are different now is neither here nor there, you and her partner at the time caused her immense pain and that cannot be undone.

It was ten years ago, but why do you expect everyone else to move one when you clearly haven’t?

YOU need to move on for your own sake, what good does walking around hanging your head in shame do? It’s entirely self indulgent and self pitying. You fucked up, yes, but there is no point having your mistake hanging like a millstone around your neck.

If you’re not going to move (I don’t particularly understand why because such an environment sounds horrendous), then you need to put it to bed in your own mind, and stop acting like an ashamed eighteen year old who is walking around attracting opprobrium.

10 years later she may still feel hurt but death stares and badmouthing are over the top now. I think you have to just get on with things and ignore her if you can. I would stop changing your life to avoid her though, you have said sorry, grown up a lot and that is all you can do. We all mess up as teenagers - I slept with my boyfriends friend (to be fair, he also slept with someone else) and it was awful. 20 years on I am friends with him and his wife. It doesnt sound like she will ever get to that point, and while she has a right to be angry/upset/sad about what happened it is not very mature.

I think you need to stop giving yourself a hard time over this op. You were acting like most teenagers do selfishly and recklessly - you’ve recognised that and apologised. Your friend had a baby at a young age and you were all teenagers, presumably the dad too, behaving like teenagers. It’s not the same as doing it when you’re 30 or 40 because your brain isn’t fully developed to understand the consequences of your actions.
FWIW if someone told this sort of tale about a new friend and how they behaved when they were 18 I’d think the story teller was a bit sad for still bringing it up and it wouldn’t affect my relationship with them.

Well, tbf, it sounds like between you and her boyfriend, you kinda ruined her life.

^ This. You need to accept that your actions have had devastating consequences for your former friend. What you write makes you sound like you're still very selfish tbh - looking for excuses for your behaviour (youth, drugs etc.) and not really getting how much you have fucked her over and probably ruined her experience of becoming a mother.

I think her criticising you is well-deserved, and if you wanted to do the decent thing you would move.

Says more about her that she can't move on and get over it and still thinks it's appropriate to act like a sour teenager around you.

This is why I moved away from the town I grew up in. Horrible small town with horrible small minded people. Everyone knew everyone's business and nobody forgot anything, even if it was 10/15/20 years later.

What is she really doing though?

She shouldn't be hassling you or seeking you out, but it doesn't sound like she's doing that really.

Talking to her friends about you if she sees you or you come up in conversation, looking at you in an unfriendly way if you bump into each other? I don't think that's an extreme reaction tbh, and it is just up to you now to stop caring and move on.

If you're sad that you have lost a childhood friend, or no longer have a friendship group from school or whatever, then I think that you'll never regain that.

I feel for you, you were young and this shouldn't follow you around. Don't let her have this effect on you, she's being daft after all this time. If I were you I'd have just stared back at her and asked if she has a problem she wants to discuss. I'd have stood there asking till she felt uncomfortable and left. But I'm a bit of a confrontational bitch.

It's not doing her life any favours being bitter and angry about something from 10 years ago.
The best defence is to ignore her.
But if you had some counselling where you could talk about it openly with someone, plans some ways to improve your self-esteem, find ways to boost your confidence over her behaviour is probably the best way to go. You can do counselling online.

Good post @TheMethodicalMeerkat .

If my best friend slept with the man I had just had a baby with, I honestly can't imagine being 'over' it enough after ten years to not look at the former best friend on a beach.

I don't think you should feel overwhelmed with guilt but I don't think you should expect her to be completely fine about if either.

I don't think you can infer that her taking back the boyfriend means she blames you more or that it's unfair. Possibly she was trying to do what was best for her newborn baby.

I also think you should move. I see that you shouldn't have to but sometimes life isn't about what's fair.