Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/01/2021 23:03

She obviously still feels bitter and with good reason. You need to move away if it's still affecting you. You can't change how she feels.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 27/01/2021 23:03

[quote FrostyChocolateMilkshake]@Bluntness100 the girl was a teenager. We've ALL done bad things in our lives - I think you need to chill a bit; you seem to be taking this thread very personally.
Have you gone through something like this, been at the receiving end of cheating? If so that would explain your hostility towards the OP...[/quote]
This. Getting weird now

sofiaaaaaa · 27/01/2021 23:04

But I think it is a bit unnecessary that the other woman is still making a big deal of it all these years later 🤷‍♀️

She isn’t making it a big deal though

nanbread · 27/01/2021 23:08

Just think of the mental energy it must take her to still hate you this much after so long. She must be exhausted.

You need to let it wash over you. You can't control how she acts. She's not going to change, probably, and you need to be prepared for it to come out to your DD / your DD to get flak for it.

Teardrop2021 · 27/01/2021 23:14

FrostyChocolateMilkshake so rude to pull someone's grammar up, but for your information I'm actually dyslexic and I have reported your comment. Totally uncalled and quite frankly nasty behaviour Biscuit

Teardrop2021 · 27/01/2021 23:16

FrostyChocolateMilkshake FYI if you're going to pull someone's post up on grammar, make sure you spell check your own post and spell shagged correctly.

phoenixrosehere · 27/01/2021 23:22

I wonder if the real reason ex-friend is still badmouthing you is because she isn’t just still mad at you but at herself. Sounds like she wasted two years of her life with him after he not only slept with you but lied about it and they cheated on each other and he is with someone else and has a baby with them. She got her child out of it but what else? She lost her best friend, stuck by a cheater (who I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with someone else while they were together before you), has to still deal with him for the sake of her child, and her child has to share this guy with another family he has made. She looks at you and maybe it seems your life may be better than hers and it’s not fair because you betrayed her, still have people who stayed friends with you and maybe other friends despite her constantly telling people what you did.

Did she badmouth any of the other women he cheated on her with? Post on Facebook about them or did she only do that to you?

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 28/01/2021 06:30

@Teardrop2021 It was very ironic that I went and spelled something wrong after I'd made that comment to you! Damn autocorrect.
My comment to you wasn't meant to be nasty and I apologise if it hurt your feelings. The incorrect use of "you're" or "there" etc just irritates me immensely but I was rude to pull you up on it. Sorry Flowers

peak2021 · 28/01/2021 07:28

Having nothing to do with you is reasonable. Making a noise to others about it is not.

U2HasTheEdge · 28/01/2021 07:47

@Bluntness100

I made some poor choices at that age, that I am not proud of, but I won't let them define me and neither will I justify myself to others if they want to hold any of those choices over my head many years later

Maybe that’s what irs about? How poor your choices were at that age? I guess if you shagged your best friends boyfriend and father of her child then had a baby very young like she did, you’d get it?

Personally if I’d hurt someone like that I’d not take your approach in they can’t hold it over your head but accept why rhey may never forget it. But I like your approach. It must feel so much better to say you’re not accountable.

I am accountable for every choice I have ever made. I never said I wasn't, and neither did the OP. I also said it is understandable why her ex friend can never forgive her.

OP has spent years feeling bad about this, and understandably so. If I was her I wouldn't sit here justifying myself to people here for decisions I made as a teenager. Especially when they are playing armchair psychologist and telling OP that she wanted to 'copy' her friend.

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2021 08:29

Did she badmouth any of the other women he cheated on her with? Post on Facebook about them or did she only do that to you

The other women weren’t her best friend.

Sorry I’m not being weird, but I’ve never met a teenage girl who shags her long term best friends partner because she’s young, selfish and horny but suddenly becomes very mature two days later and decides to end thr friendhsip and tells her

In my experience when women do this there is more to it, like they want the guy involved.

This isn’t the op told her, begged for forgiveness, gutted she hurt her best friend etc, The op says quite clearly she was the one who decided to end the friendship with her and so told her she shagged her partner and ended the friendship at that same point.

I just have never experienced anyone who has done that to their best friend if there is nothing else behind it other than a bit drunk and horny,

phoenixrosehere · 28/01/2021 10:13

T his isn’t the op told her, begged for forgiveness, gutted she hurt her best friend etc, The op says quite clearly she was the one who decided to end the friendship with her and so told her she shagged her partner and ended the friendship at that same point.

OP’s actions definitely put a massive blow to the friendship obviously. OP rightly told her best friend what she did leaving her friend to decide what to do knowing it would mean the end of her friendship. Keeping it a secret would have been bad as well because sooner or later it would have come out. It could have come out in an argument with the father of her child over something.

OP was her best friend and the father of the child knew that as well when he slept with her, yet denied it and obviously he wasn’t that sorry since he cheated on her again afterwards.

OP also said she did beg for forgiveness and stopped after saying it one last time because friend said to leave her alone.

No one is saying what OP did was right, but after a decade it is immature and ridiculous to constantly bring it up. Friend asked to be left alone yet goes out of her way to get close to OP to glare and when not seeing her bad mouth her when she can. Even if OP moved, the friend is still reminded of her because she still has to deal with the father of her child and probably seeing the other women he cheated on her with.

Plus, if it is a small town that seemingly knows everyone’s business and remembers things, they probably remember that her and the father of the child both cheated in their relationship regardless who did it first and with whom.

Maves · 28/01/2021 10:48

You wrecked her life though she lost her bloke and her babies dad so saying you aren't a bad person you are the worst.
Her son probably has a shit relationship with his dad because of what you did. You ruined his life too. Probability was he would have cheated anyway but she would have had her best friend to support her and she didn't even have that. I'm not surprised she still hates you and having to see you around brings it back stop being selfish and making it all about you.

Gin4thewin4 · 28/01/2021 11:07

It's getting a little tense in here.......

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2021 11:21

I can see both sides, and I’d be curious to hear the best friends version of this. I strongly suspect there would be a bit of a different angle.

I can totally see why the op thinks she should let it go now. I can also see how your best friend and your partner sleeping together can be devastating and unforgivable.

If she’s still going on as much as the op says, then I’d not be calling her ridiculous etc, I’d assume the hurt was such she simoly can’t get over it, and is mentally struggling, or there is more to this than the op has revealed, either in thr lead up to her shagging her partner or in the years after.

Polyxena · 28/01/2021 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thingsthatgo · 28/01/2021 12:06

Imagine if you had physically scarred her instead of emotionally. If, in your drunken selfishness, you had done something reckless that had damaged her physical health instead of her mental health, would you still expect her to be over it by now? I wouldn’t.

BeTheHokeyMan · 29/01/2021 13:55

@iwishiwasapunk I pmed you Flowers

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 13:16

how are you OP... 🌺

Missey85 · 05/02/2022 05:31

What you didn't like these answers so started a new thread? Sorry but your getting what you deserve you screwed your supposed best friends partner not once but three times! So yes she's pissed! And right to never forgive you

WhyYesYABU · 05/02/2022 06:58

Wow there are posters on here that have led very sheltered lives if they've never experienced teens getting drunk and sleeping with their friends partners.

As a teen my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend. It hurt at the time and ruined our friendship but I don't understand all this death stare nonsense. I bumped into her at a party a few years later and we exchanged chitchat. My ex later got me pregnant - I was still a teen - and went onto cheat behind my back for 6 months whilst I was pregnant/post partum. He and 'OW' (but we were kids so seems ridiculous to call it that) are now married and have been for over a decade. We are all civil and coparent well. Water under the bridge. This is why kids shouldn't have kids!

I don't understand how these women can always forgive their partner but not the women it happens with. OP you made a mistake, forgive yourself, move on.

OP

Blackisblackisblack · 05/02/2022 07:17

I agree it shouldn't follow you around. But it will follow her around for the rest of her life.

Yes, you were in a bad place. Yes, you were on drugs. But you slept with her boyfriend, and she was your best friend.

That's a huge betrayal. And, for her, time won't lessen the severity of what you did.

I feel for you. But I feel for her, more.

unname · 05/02/2022 09:01

@Bluntness100

You can see why folks would think you were envious and copying her, right? As said, I’m sure it’s just a massive coincidence it was her partner and you also had a baby, but we all fully accept you weren’t envious and trying to be her,
Why do you write “we all” as if you speak for anyone beyond yourself?
unname · 05/02/2022 09:04

The advice to move seems ridiculous, and that would be the action of a person that does not accept their own bad behavior.

OP forgive yourself. It was very wrong, but it is well in the past and you’ve taken ownership of the mistake.

She may not forgive you, but that’s really her problem at this point.

notanothertakeaway · 05/02/2022 11:03

I wouldn't forgive and forget OP or the ex boyfriend. They ruined what should have been a happy time for a new mother

You say she's badmouthing you to all and sundry, but if its a small town, surely all her friends already know what happened?

Swipe left for the next trending thread