To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

[iwishiwasapunk]

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

You don't have to feel guilty about what you did - I don't think you should be haunted by it given the circumstances. You can't control what she feels though.

Personally I think holding on to resentments like this from a decade ago are unhealthy - letting go is something I'd advise her to do for herself. But not for you.

Shit like this is why I escaped my home town at the first opportunity and never looked back though.

@Haggisfish

This is why I moved away from the town I grew up in. Ime this happens all the time in towns where people don’t leave. Everyone treats you like they did when you were at school.

Agree with this post 100%.

I didnt realise how oppressive living in my home town was until i left. I finally felt free, I could go to Tesco without worrying about running into someone I knew from school.

Years later I moved to my ex DP's small town and listening to his sisters calling a woman a slag because she'd had sex with someone on the way home from the pub when she was 18 (they were all now in their 40s) just consolidated my decision. Who wants all their youthful indiscretions following them around their whole lives? Clean the slate and leave your ex friend in the past.

@Haggisfish

This is why I moved away from the town I grew up in. Ime this happens all the time in towns where people don’t leave. Everyone treats you like they did when you were at school.

Very true. Agree that moving and starting afresh takes away this burden. It lingers because those who don't grow in life just want to stick to the old 'roles' and reputations assigned to people.

100% move. Those types people are toxic
I also have no doubt that the bloke has probably fucked half the town and no one cares.

You can’t change her response to you. You apologised, you’ve changed. Tbh I understand her response, and obviously so do you. Now you need to accept it rather than feeling the uncontrolled guilt, go out of you want to, avoid her if possible but if not just nicely don’t do anything. Don’t approach her. She may never change and you either live with it or move.

Small town syndrome, I couldn't be doing with it so I moved from mine and am so relieved I did.

You and her ex tainted becoming a mum for her, if she's just had a new baby those feelings have probably resurfaced.

I'm from a small town and have never regretted leaving, the same group of people drink in the same pubs we did when we were 16. Places like that never forget anything.

The only way to move on from it is to move away.

I don't know that she should accept your apology; I think I would still be pissed off too. At you AND the ex.
She doesn't have to acknowledge your existence, though. Why can't she just ignore you in public?

She’s clearly getting some mileage from the attention she generates with her reaction.

I don’t think it’s even about you anymore, not after 10 years. I think she’s just enjoying the drama.

Can you move to another town? This grudge she bears against you will probably last her entire life. Her children and her grandchildren will point at you in the street. Move away and forget about her. We all do daft things, some worse than others. A decade on, it's not worth stressing about.

She’s not cross that you shagged her boyfriend, she cross you threw away all those years of being friends. There’s no greater betrayal.

I don’t think you can do anything about it, if you have apologised for ruining years of friendship and she won’t forgive or forget it’s just how it is.
What did you apologise for? Did you acknowledge your betrayal of her and your life long friendship.

Consequences for your actions I suppose.

I can't move away, my family and friends are all here, I've built a life here. It is a small town though, and it's very true no one forgets anything.

@minipie

Hmm I don’t know. I was treated pretty badly by my first boyfriend, around that age. I don’t go around bad mouthing him but if anyone asked me about him, I’d tell them the truth about how he behaved.

If you behave very badly you can’t expect people to forgive and forget.

I dont agree, you'd have to be quite bitter to still talkk about something like that 10 years on, not good for your head. Best to try forgive and forget or at least forget?

Why did you do it? Were you jealous of her?

I can see both sides to this. She will rightfully never want to rekindle the friendship with you, but to a certain extent she could forgive you, even if it just means she isn’t continuing with the petty level stuff. But then again, staring at you isn’t that bad - I can see why it makes you feel uncomfortable but if it hasn’t escalated further in the past decade I would try my best to ignore her.

It was probably a huge deal to her that really affected her life at the time and may still. She may have trouble trusting anyone now.

Big, life changing events are with you lifelong. No matter how young or old you are when they occurred.

Shagging your best friend's boyfriend is bad enough, but doing it when she's a new mother isa ppalling, and you must have known how wrong it was. You betrayed your friend in a way that had life-changing consequences for her.

Drop the idea that because you think it's time to move on, anyone else will agree. She is the injured party here. But she's not hounding you, contacting you in any way, nor does she live in a way that your paths cross.

It's unreasonable for you to expect more. Or for mutual friends to cease their support of her. It's her timetable that matters, and it's not for you to even begin to suggest how soneibe hit by the double whammy of betrayal by the two people she shouid have been able to rely on the most.

If you cannot face the idea of the enormity of what you did, then perhaps yesbest you move away for a proper freshstart

I definitely believe that my actions changed the path of her life and having had a child myself, I can't imagine going through that heartbreak with a newborn baby. I really am regretful. I didn't do it because I was jealous of her, I did it because I was drunk and I was selfish and the opportunity presented itself and I didn't think about the damage I was doing. I am still ashamed.

I had a friend who cheated on me with my boyfriend. It was absolutely horrific.

15 years later and I can't be arsed to be angry about it anymore. I certainly wouldn't make an effort to give her evils if I saw her. I wouldn't have a chat either but who has got time to keep that anger in their heart?

You are right OP, people change a huge amount. I was an absolute shit in my teen years and I'm completely different now.

She has the right not to wish to speak to you but would be happier if she could move past it.

After 10 years she needs to live on from death states and talking about you.
What you did was shitty but you know that, you don’t need a Mumsnet to tell you.
Front it out, don’t not go places or take your daughter places because she might be there. She is an adult and will eventually act like one.

Yeah, your betrayal was much worse than his betrayal. He was just a throwaway boyfriend, they probably would have split up regardless. But at the time she probably thought they would have lasted as they just had a baby. In time it became clear he wasn’t the one.

Whereas you were someone she cared about after 10 years of closeness and probably saw you as pseudo-family. She thought you would continue to grow old together as friends who respected each other enough not to sleep with each other’s partners. It’s similar to a relationship breakup actually, she probably wonders how she got it so wrong with trusting you and why you didn’t respect her the same way she did you and what did she do wrong etc.

She’s being petty, but it’s obvious as to why.

I'd never forgive or forget that. I would have be talking about it to anyone though. You wouldn't exist for me.

Would not be talking

YANBU at all. This is what I hate about small towns/close communities/everyone knowing everyone else, and all socialising together, and working in a place where everyone knows someone.

I lived in a place like this (up to the mid noughties,) a small-ish town with small minded people. I worked in a place when I was 17 (in the 1980s,) and my cousin's boyfriend worked there too. He rarely spoke to me and we didn't get on, and at the end of my third day there, I came home, and my mum said 'Steven said you were swearing at work today! You should be ashamed of yourself young lady!' I thought FGS!

So my cousin's boyfriend who rarely spoke to me, and barely acknowledged my existence, told my aunt (who told my mum) that I had said SHIT a couple of times at work!

So anything and everything I did was reported back! Even when I snogged a boy in the local pub (when I was 18 and single,) it got back to my neighbours and parents.

When I was 19, I had a boyfriend (that lasted more than a few weeks,) and my cousin decided to tell him that I would probably shag him after a few days, as I usually did with lads I meet. That was totally untrue too, as I told him!

There are a number of other examples I could come up with (that are similar to the OP,) of things being thrown in my face that I did 20 years before. It's usually small-minded people who have nothing else in their life except gossip who do it.

I moved 30 miles away over 10 years ago, and apart from contact with a small handful of very close family, (and one old friend,) I don't see or speak or anyone from my old life/old town.

My social group/friendship group/colleagues etc, have only known me since the late noughties, and know nothing about me from before then. And none of them know - or have ever met anyone - from my old life. They won't be doing either. And they is absolutely no reason they should.

Some people rave about 'community' and old friends and all that jazz, but it's a double edged sword IMO. People who have known you for many years (since childhood,) know things about you that they can - and WILL - use against you.

And sadly, some people never grow out of the school-yard mentality, and never really truly grow up. You could have gone back after 20 years OP, or even 30 or more, and this woman would still throw it in your face what you did. Anyone who is still sore and bitter (with a friend,) over something that happened involving a boy, when they were all teenagers, needs to seriously grow up and get over it.

Unfortunately, if you are unable to leave, you are going to have to live with it.