Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

[Pleidiolwyfimgwlad]

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

I’d tell her to fuck off. Maybe in a jokey way, maybe not.
Life is too short to have your friends make you feel like shit.

Ignore her. She'll find out soon enough that there isn't one perfect model for parenting.

You're not a bad Mum and you do know that.

Wonder if she'll feel the same when she's been with a screaming baby 24/7 for months? I'm looking at you DS

YANBU. I don't know an easy way to deal with it. I suppose the first question is do you want to remain friends? I also suspect she will likely be embarrassed once she becomes a parent and sees the bigger picture. Is she married? Does she need advice on protecting her financial interests if she plans to give up work?

I think it sounds like she's justifying to you why she wants to be a sahm and is worried you'll be judging her rather than the other way round.

Well lucky for her she can obviously afford to stay at home.

Not everyone has that luxury. I was a single mum with a mortgage I had to damn choice but to go out to work. !!!
Is she going to pay your bills if you give up work.......Didn't think so.

Ignore her

Well I'd ignore her, we dont all have to have the same opinions, no need to give her comments any headspace.

I had a relative comment that she stayed at home when her children were young as “she didn’t want someone else bringing up her children”. It really hurt especially as staying at home was never an option financially and it made me feel quite guilty that I enjoyed work. I still missed my DD but I enjoyed engaging my brain in the complexities of work and having an identity outside of being a mum. I don’t know many people who have been able to stay at home and of those that have some of them didn’t choose to but couldn’t afford to go back.
I think before you have children you often say judgemental things but then when you have a baby you realise it’s very different. If she keeps on like this after her baby is born I’d probably say something but hopefully she’ll get over herself a bit

I don't know any full time SAHP. Very few can afford it, even if they wanted to! It's so easy to judge other parents before you've had your own. My guess is that she'll change her tune after a few months!

Wait until she’s sick to death of nursery rhymes and repetitive play. She’ll be desperate to get back to work. You’re always a better parent before you actually have kids.

And then she’ll retire and be stuck at home with a teenager.

Well, she doesn’t know what it’s like to parent yet, leave her to it.

When she’s spent hours getting a crying baby to sleep for the tenth day in a row and hasn’t spoken to another adult since last Thursday maybe she’ll change her tune

Tell her that when her child turns out as well as yours have, then she'll know that she made the right decision for hers just as you did.

How far along is she?

She’ll have even more time with her baby if she pisses all her mates off like this.

Bake her a big plate of

She's being a bitch. I had both DCs via a long IVF journey and have never judged anyone's parenting choices, so the long wait is no excuse. If you don't want to say anything too aggressive you could say: 'Oh, DF, we all parented like Marcia Brady---before the baby arrived!'

I’d be nice, she’s pregnant, and say that we all do what is best for us and our own families. If she pushed it, I might be firmer and if she really kept going on about it I’d possibly say it’s important for both boys and girls to see women working as a good thing and that care should be equal from both parents (in a two parent family).
Or just grin and say no I loved working and it makes me the great mum I am. It gave my children a wider world and helped them to grow, of course it isn’t for everyone but it worked for us.

Another vote for telling her to fuck off. She sounds like a horrible person! Why are you friends with her? How smug of her. Maybe next time she makes a comment like that just say “when but everyone is lucky enough to be able to afford to quit work when they have a baby”

Don't worry. She has no idea what's coming. Just wait until she's stuck at home with a toddler full time. No one tells you how boring it is.

Best way to deal with it is to make snippet comments right back. "I just couldn't bear it if my children didn't have a strong independent female role model", "I could never let my children grow up in a house with such backwards, old fashioned gender roles" etc. Etc. She'll soon shut up...

"I could never parent like you"

There was a thread about this comment a while ago, I wonder if you're the same person who started that thread too. The comments are similar.

My FIL started the ‘well that will be you not back to work until the baby is at school’ at Christmas...
Eh no, I will be taking my mat leave then going back to work for my own sanity!
Then MIL pipes in that she didn’t work atall until her kids were older... she forgets she told me how much they struggled financially when her kids were young. Not sure why she didn’t just go to work as they had plenty help round about them?
Infuriating when people force these what you should be doing opinions down your throat. You do what’s right for you and your family ❤️

Hahahaha.

Very likely the midwives and obstetrician who help her have this baby will be working parents. These types manage to put their beliefs away when they need our help, I find.

If this is a first baby and she's in her late 40's I would hazard a guess that this baby has been very hard to get. She's perhaps got a very idealistic image around pregnancy/parenting, etc.
I'd smile and nod and say something bland to be honest. She's being enormously tactless but unless she's normally like this, I would try not to rise.
We all make our own choices around parenting and very often those choices are a compromise.