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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

163 replies

Pleidiolwyfimgwlad · 26/01/2021 08:52

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 26/01/2021 10:01

It is an age old issue that some moms who do not have to work tend to look downwards on those of us that do. I would try hard to ignore the comments, but I have distanced myself from some people I know who have said such things and kept on saying them. It can be quite corrosive over time. All forms of motherhood to me are valid and I do not criticise anyone else's choices, so in my view they should not criticise mine.

2020iscancelled · 26/01/2021 10:02

Why did you not say something then?

So you just let her make comment after comment after comment - which you admit you know isn’t the reality but upsets you anyway - but refuse to just say
“Sorry can I just stop you there - you keep making comments which sound very much like judgements and it’s really beginning to upset me”

If she persists after you’ve told her it’s uncalled for then she’s a real friend is she.

I don’t understand why you’d let someone repeatedly make you feel shit? Would you tell your children to accept this behaviour towards them? No! You’d tell them to respect themselves and call it out.

Don’t ignore it. Put her right - perhaps she doesn’t realise just how hurtful you are finding it.

2020iscancelled · 26/01/2021 10:02

Isn’t a real friend*

jeaux90 · 26/01/2021 10:03

Passive aggressive response ....

I'd tell her you thought it was important to set an example of equality in your marriage and teach your children to remain financially independent.

That parenting has moved on significantly and ask her whether her OH will be doing shared paternity leave.

And look, as a single mum I had no choice to go back when mine was 4 months old so in my less tolerant moments I'd tell her to fuck off.

Cocomarine · 26/01/2021 10:04

You need to look to yourself here.
Laugh at her ridiculous - fine.
Feel annoyed or even angry that you have such a rude friend - also fine.
Feel upset and like a bad mum - that’s on you. You need to toughen up a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️
People talk shite all the time.

notanothertakeaway · 26/01/2021 10:05

Just keep saying "it worked out for us". Nod and smile. Don't engage. Don't compete

ReggieKrait · 26/01/2021 10:06

No, she is being very thoughtless and actually quite rude. It’s completely uncalled for to pass judgement on your situation and if I were you I’d be taking a bit of a step back from her. That, or tell her sharply that for you (and most other families in country) working full time is a necessity, not a bloody choice.

Coming from someone who’s baby isn’t here yet, her pontificating would really stick in my craw 😂

minnie465 · 26/01/2021 10:09

I had a "friend" like this. Note my use of the word "had" Grin

Nicolastuffedone · 26/01/2021 10:13

Who cares? Ignore it....I honestly don’t give these people an inch of head space

Brefugee · 26/01/2021 10:21

Frankly? I always adopt a faraway blank stare and intone "everyone has to make their own decisions on how to look after their family"

And at some point not long after i make a comment about how glad my mum was that she has worked all her life and doesn't have to rely on her husband's pension.

Depending on how much contact i think i might have with them in the future and if the bridge-burning will come back to bite me on the bum i might just tell her to "fuck off" or the softer "you do you and I'll do me"

user1471523870 · 26/01/2021 10:23

@jeaux90

Passive aggressive response ....

I'd tell her you thought it was important to set an example of equality in your marriage and teach your children to remain financially independent.

That parenting has moved on significantly and ask her whether her OH will be doing shared paternity leave.

And look, as a single mum I had no choice to go back when mine was 4 months old so in my less tolerant moments I'd tell her to fuck off.

This!
Backbee · 26/01/2021 10:24

DS absolutely loves being in childcare, and I love working- in honesty it's more exciting for him to be around his peers, doing all sorts of activities I don't have the resources and time to do, and to develop skills in a different environment. Staying home with children is also great if that is what you want and what works best for the family in your own circumstances, but a bit rich to be casting judgement before having her baby!

WhySoSensitive · 26/01/2021 10:24

I wish people could just accept people’s lives

Accept hers and her opinions then.

Brefugee · 26/01/2021 10:29

All forms of motherhood to me are valid and I do not criticise anyone else's choices, so in my view they should not criticise mine.

This. With knobs on.

TVDFan · 26/01/2021 10:29

First time mum in late 40s?

I could never have left it as late as you did, I wanted to be able to keep up with my child and not burden them with being a young carer.

SlayDuggee · 26/01/2021 10:30

I would cut her a lot of slack as as I’m presuming this is a much longer baby since she is late 40’s. She’s probably in the pregnancy bubble and will be hit with the reality of having a baby soon.

I would make lots of vague comments along the lines of all children are different, families are different, etc.

When I had my DD I had a lecture from a family member that surely I was not going back to work after mat leave and if I did then surely it would be very part time. They couldn’t possibly leave there kids as they are a ‘full time mum’ and it was her right to stay and home and look after her kids. I just told them that the mortgage and bills wouldn’t pay themselves!

Songsofexperience · 26/01/2021 10:31

Tell her to fuck off. It's your life. Your family. There isn't one way to do things. Speaks volumes about her own insecurities to be honest.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 26/01/2021 10:31

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice. Would you go to her for parenting advice? No, of course not because she hasn’t any. Keep that in mind and perhaps be a little forgiving that she might find it a lot, LOT harder than she expects. I know I was an expert before I had my own kids Blush

2pinkginsplease · 26/01/2021 10:32

"Offense is taken, not given. It's up to you if you're offended or not. And remember: just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right." ~Ricky #Gervais.

Wise words!

unmarkedbythat · 26/01/2021 10:34

Also, most of us were perfect parents before we gave birth/ brought our children home. I used to spout absolute nonsense about how my child would never watch TV, for instance.

cinnabarmoth · 26/01/2021 10:37

A couple of my best mates, while we were all pregnant with our first, started going on about whether they would go back to work or be SAHMs - apparently the only reason for mothers to work is to afford a few little luxuries. I had to put them straight and point out that half of our group would need to work at least part time in order to pay for the basics.

MotherWol · 26/01/2021 10:47

It's a brave woman who decides to give up work to become a SAHM in their late 40's; if she's planning to return to work in her 50's she may well find that very difficult. I hope she's made adequate pension provision, has a stable relationship and understands that she may well be effectively retiring 20 years early.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2021 10:47

@TVDFan

First time mum in late 40s?

I could never have left it as late as you did, I wanted to be able to keep up with my child and not burden them with being a young carer.

That is breathtakingly nasty.
WINKINGatyourage · 26/01/2021 10:50

Next time she says anything like this just say

“Oh CRINGE for you!”

Kottbullar · 26/01/2021 10:59

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery.
You've taken it to imply that. That might not have been her intention.

I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.
Again you've chosen to take that as a dig at you.

Some could say your 1950's comment sounds somewhat disparaging towards SAHM. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way.