Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

[Pleidiolwyfimgwlad]

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

Tell her to bore off. She'll be desperate to get back to work once she realises the drudgery of being at home 24/7.

@WildfirePonie

Tell her to bore off. She'll be desperate to get back to work once she realises the drudgery of being at home 24/7.

How can you be so sure? Lots of people enjoy being with their children 24/7.

I would ignore her.
She’s waited a long time to be a mum, it’s obvious she will be feeling like this (wanting to spend all her time with her baby)
Let her do it how she wants to do it and you do you. Neither is a better parent than the other.
Also, never assume all mothers are bored or regret becoming SAHMs. I love it.

AnneLovesGilbert

I am not sure at all! Hats off to anyone that doesn't want to tear their hair out looking after a 2 year old 24/7 without ANY breaks.

I would just love the OP to rub it in her face if she decides to return to work or take the precious little one to nursery

She’s being daft and tactless, but then the whole world is mad right now.

I would say to her - firm but jolly - X, this is the 5th time you’ve commented on me being a working mother. The first rule of motherhood is everyone does it their own way, and the key is to be supportive of your friends choices. So can you please stop doing it, I can tell you I won’t be criticising you.

And if she does it again - start to sound cross and pull her up everytime

I'm a sahm. And I think your mate is completely out of order.
Was she always this rude?
If she's been a good mate I'd chalk it up to baby brain, let it go, and know the reality of having a late baby (I did that too) is going to make her rethink and realise what a twat shes being to you.
If she's not that good a mate point out she's being rude

I am not sure at all! Hats off to anyone that doesn't want to tear their hair out looking after a 2 year old 24/7 without ANY breaks.

Maybe she has a partner. Who can say.

I own my own business confused I was a SAHP for years. The financial insecurity was enough to make me want to get out of that position and I’ll encourage my dds to do the same.

you might have felt like a doormat when you were a SAHP, but that's your own issues. No need to insult everybody else.
Same for your own financial insecurity, no need to project.

@Pleidiolwyfimgwlad

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

I don't think she's being unreasonable, if anything, she's trying to empathise with your decision, though like her I struggle to understand why you'd have a baby and decide that your wish to work, a want, not a necessity, when you have such young age.

I feel the same as your friend. And tbh it saddens me that so many mothers, specifically, decide that they don't wish to be so instrumental in their young child's life and would prefer to put their child in an institution unnecessarily from such a young age, rather than nurture their own child.

I also wonder whether being an older mother also, we appreciate the importance of this over supposed gain over mothers social life.

As a betting woman I’d have a tenner on the fact that she will go back to work after being stuck at home with a baby for six months.

@MotherExtraordinaire

Good lord, there is no irony in your username, is there.

Does it sadden you, specifically that fathers work, or is your sexist claptrap reserved only for those silly little women who don't love their children enough to let their mortgage default?

I don't think age has much to do with it. I live in an area where it is pretty normal for women to have children in their late 30s and early 40s, and the vast majority of them work. The neglectful slatterns

Just laugh and say you poor clueless creature! the bloody cheek of her!

The reason people make comments like that are because they are worried or threatened in some way, wondering whether their way of doing things (eg working, not working, sleep training, breastfeeding whatever) is the right one, and because the fact that other people do it differently calls into question whether what they is doing is right. Someone who is secure and confident in how they are raising their children doesn’t make these comments. I would just smile, nod along and let it wash over my head. Also it’s very easy to be the best parent in the world before you actually have kids.

I came to motherhood lateish (not quite 40) and was happy to go back to work, albeit part time. I had bills to pay, independence to maintain and a pension to pay towards. All of which also benefit my child. DD also grows up with role model parents who share domestic and financial responsibilities. Hats off to the SAHP's too if that's what suits their families.

I'd tell her to piss off

I do think 2-3 days part time a week is the holy grail which it sounded like you did. Baby time and grown up time. I wish I could of done this, but was a full SAHM just due to circumstances on DC1. I technically work now have DC2 also who's 1 years, but just a few hours each morning, but I've always worked from home pre-Covid around the kids and it's not the same as having a time out of the house.

I do think it's sad, when a baby is in nursery full time from a very young age, but I don't know anybody who actually do that. The majority of people I know have a mix and match system, like they work part time, a grandparent does a day, nursery couple of days and their DH does half or a whole a day or a nanny share or friend does a morning. There's always childminders as that's more homely.

I'm my area I was one of very few SAHM mums and it's very looked down on. You just can't win really. I actually wonder if my children's development has been slowed by staying at home with me as they've been very timid both of them ( obviously lockdown with DC2 and is still very young) . I guess being in nursery makes children used to sharing and handling others.

DC1 did do some
Preschool. Obviously your friend will get judged there as why would us SAHM need preschool 🙄

@Fairyliz why?

I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

But what do you say in reply? Is that the end of the conversation? Because I’d definitely ask her to elaborate... ‘what makes you say that?’ ‘You know not everyone has a choice to stay at home, right?’ ‘Do you mean to sound like such an ignorant dick who very clearly has no understanding yet of what it’s like to be a parent?’ (Ok maybe not that last one) - I think she’s making these remarks knowing you won’t call her out on it - so you really should.

I have an annoying relative my brother who's a teacher who insists on giving me pearls of wisdom on parenting. I usually find the standard reply "get back back to me when you actually have kids" works a treat to stop things. You could adapt this to after a year at home with your darling baby ! (The climbing everywhere stage, with a dose of separation anxiety could finish anyone off. )

I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet

So she had not said you shouldn't do it, just that she couldn't. And yes, it must be so hard to not be able to spend time with your child if you want to, that's hardly offensive??!!!

I do think when people are a little frustrated, unsure or conflicted by their own choices they take everything as being aimed at them, and get defensive. If you are truly content with your choices, you don't take them comments on as being aimed at you.

OP i don't really think you are friends, if you can't have a difference of opinion without it coming to this, that's not friends. Friends pick the phone up and say I'm offended when you comment on my choices, please don't do it.

So people are on here, defending the OP for her friend being horrible, by, being horrible about the alternative choice 😂👌👌👌

A ha ha ha ha ha! Mumsnet classic response 'did you mean to be so rude?' would serve you well here.

@RealMermaid

Best way to deal with it is to make snippet comments right back. "I just couldn't bear it if my children didn't have a strong independent female role model", "I could never let my children grow up in a house with such backwards, old fashioned gender roles" etc. Etc. She'll soon shut up...

Definitely this.

Best way to deal with it is to make some similarly snipey comments back, such as

"I'm so happy for you"
or
"If there's anything you need, I'll be here for you"

Wait till the babies born. She might realise that you sometimes need something more than baby massage and rhyme time. I was worried about returning to work after my only child was born (in case I couldn't bear to leave him). OMG I love him unconditionally but I was so happy to return to work after a year of Mat leave. It's all new to her and waiting so long has probably turned into Uber mum. It's a bit like when I said oh I don't want a birth plan and I don't want any drugs, maybe a water birth. In the end I had a very long agonising labour, every permissible drug available and ended in a section. I wasn't worried by any of that but I realised you don't always know what you don't know

She might change her mind when the baby is here! I was desperate to get back to work. Before my baby arrived, I was desperate to be a SAHM. I now work part time which works well for us.