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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

163 replies

Pleidiolwyfimgwlad · 26/01/2021 08:52

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

OP posts:
LAgeDeRaisin · 26/01/2021 11:01

I used to think I'd spend 12 months on maternity leave, without the TV on, reading Proust. It turns out she's not into Proust. She's into putting things in her mouth, like bits of twig from the log basket, and a dead shrew the cat gave her.

With all the screaming and shitting at 3 months I was ready to go back. By the time she was 7months she was much nicer to be with but the pandemic was in full swing and I'm a doctor so I did.

I'd like her to grow up seeing women working. To be inspired to find a niche in society. That could be being a mother, but it could also be being a mother alongside being the local posty, or a nurse, or an artist or physicist or politician. I don't want her to think the path for women has to be work a bit until you find a man, then stay at home. If she chooses that, that's okay. But women spent centuries trying to escape a societal expectation that their only role in life was as a cheerleader and background support for a man. I hope she'll be proud that one of her parents is a doctor, and it's not the man.

If it's what somebody wants, if its what my daughter wants, that's okay because it's a choice. But it was a choice women fought for, a choice women died for, and a choice that we now have. I think if no mothers worked, it'd be a very sad thing for girls, and the very idea of a woman in 2021 in Britain- while enjoying the freedoms our ancestors fought for- rubbishing working mothers, is ignorance personified.

LazyName · 26/01/2021 11:02

Oh god if that’s what’s she’s like now can you imagine what she will be like when the baby is here?!!

islockdownoveryet · 26/01/2021 11:03

I’d say good for fucking you , pisses me off no end that just because one person does things one way doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone.
Unless you are telling her how to do things she has no right to tell you otherwise.
Tell her so too she unreasonable!!

islockdownoveryet · 26/01/2021 11:05

@WhySoSensitive

I wish people could just accept people’s lives

Accept hers and her opinions then.

That’s fine but she keeps making digs so clearly she doesn’t except her views .
Pinkdelight3 · 26/01/2021 11:09

*I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

Again you've chosen to take that as a dig at you.*

Pretty hard not to take it that way - it's literally digging at her parenting, specifically.

YANBU OP and I'm with @VinceNoirsShinyBoots. If she keeps pushing I'd be tempted to say something grumpy about time being more precious at her age.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 26/01/2021 11:09

Have you actually said anything to her or just done the British thing of staying quiet then going home to seethe?

Next comment, cold stare and and a sharp "you do know most mothers HAVE to work to support their families and don't have the luxury of the choice of staying at home or not? Your comments are very judgemental of people who are in different situations to you".

Katela18 · 26/01/2021 11:11

I'm going to venture a guess and say she will feel differently when baby is here and she realises it's not as romanticised as it's made out to be.

I always thought I'd want to be a SAHM, but this quickly changed and I love continuing my career, providing well for my child and having something that's just for me. I think she also really benefits from nursery.

I would dare to say, she maybe feel she needs to justify her reasons for being a SAHM and perhaps feels she might be judged the other way around. It's no excuse though, everyone deserves to make their own choices without fear of judgment, particularly from friends!

RandomLondoner · 26/01/2021 11:19

I don't agree that she is sniping. She may be tactless, but she is merely stating her (legitimate) preferences, and you're choosing to take them as insults.

I knew an immigrant from a less congested country, who remarked that they were looking at some distance from London for a property to buy, because they didn't want to live in a "rabbit hutch", which was their term for any property smaller than a four-large-bedroom detached house with separate kitchen, dining and living rooms, and possibly enough garden space to house a tennis court. I was living in London flat at the time. They weren't sniping, they were simply talking about their own life and preferences, based on what they were used to having, without thinking who their audience was.

OfTheNight · 26/01/2021 11:21

I’d say something to be honest. Next time she makes a comment just tell her you feel like she’s having a bit of a dig. She’ll probably explain that she isn’t or apologise or she might say that’s the way she feels, but if you tell her it makes you feel unhappy, a good friend will respond to that and her comments should stop.

notacooldad · 26/01/2021 11:25

Your first reply sums things up for me
Life is too short to have your friends make you feel like shit

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 11:25

You have to love comments about perfect parenting from people who are not even parents Grin

For parents who actually KNOW what it is to be a parent, we all do what we believe is right - otherwise we wouldn't do it. Others strongly disagree, but some are too insecure to accept that there are different choices.

I do judge all the parents moaning about having to spend time with their kids at the moment, but that's just sad.

Kottbullar · 26/01/2021 11:28

Pretty hard not to take it that way - it's literally digging at her parenting, specifically.

Is it? I said to my friend the other day it must be so hard to be homeschooling with her and her husband both working at home. I wasn't having a dig at her, I was empathising.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/01/2021 11:32

So you've come on to MN to complain about your friend that you feel has made digs at you for being a working mother (although, I don't actuallythink what she said should be taken like that) yet, in your OP have said things like "I wanted to keep my identity" and "this isn't the 1950's". So your having little digs at SAHMs.

HippoOnMyRoofEatingCake · 26/01/2021 11:33

@user194729573

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery.

She's not sniping. You just seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

Agreed. None of her comments seem particularly snipey to me.

Life is easier if you don't try so hard to take everything personally.

Scottishskifun · 26/01/2021 11:38

Smile nod and say different things work for different families it works for us. There is no perfect parent we all do what fits.

I work full time and have done since my DS was 11 months. He absolutely loves nursery and nursery is also great for their socialisation and development skills. Heck at the moment its the only socialising he gets!

I think the reality of parenting will soon kick in once baby is 8-9 months! I have a few friends who have said similar things to me for working ft when they were pregnant. I usually just laugh it off and point to my nearly 2 year old who uses words like eureka! Grin

AnxiousWeirdo · 26/01/2021 11:43

Just bide your time and wait until she's absolutely shattered and has a hormonal tornado of a toddler and then see if she thinks nursery is such a bad idea. We all had parenting views before we had ours (maybe not about other people but definitely how we'd do things, right?). Reality soon hits very hard.

Userzzz · 26/01/2021 11:46

This reply has been deleted

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LAgeDeRaisin · 26/01/2021 11:57

I find it really pathetic that there are nasty comments about women giving birth later.

There are positives and negatives to any age becoming a mother. I was 29/30, but I was lucky to have met my husband at 25. Some women are focused on careers and don't meet anyone til their mid to late 30s. They're likely to be able to offer a more stable home and wisdom that comes with age than somebody very young, whilst someone young might have more energy for running around.

To imply that she'll be infirm or dead past their 'younger years' is ludicrous.

It's 2021 AD not BC and women are expected to live to their 80s not their 40s, unless they have multiple comorbidities, which is unlikely given that she managed to conceive.

Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes a deleted post.

Whyistheteacold · 26/01/2021 12:05

Yanbu at ALL. What a rude, insensitive "friend!" First of all, it has nothing to do with her at all and you should not have to defend your reasons to her. But secondly, does she not realise that the vast majority of women have to go back to work, at least part time, in order to provide for their DC?!

If she is lucky enough to not have to work that fabulous for her but how rude. And in fact some women do not have to work but choose to for their own sanity, independence and to set a good example to LO. Working part time, full time or not at all does not affect your ability to be a good mother at all.

You have done what you needed to do for your DC, and that's all you can do op. I would be tempted to ask her if she realises what she is implying...

Worldwide2 · 26/01/2021 12:06

I think you are being over sensitive tbh. Everyone has an idea or opinion about what they would like to do with any aspect of their lives. Just because it is different from yours doesn't mean your doing anything wrong or she's saying your are.
I'm a sahm because I wanted to be there for everything that is not a dig at working mums it what I wanted.
My friend works as alot of mums do and she once said well I want to be able to afford to give my children the absolute best of everything , holidays ect
I wont be able to do that as I chose to be a sahm.
I didn't batter an eyelid as that's what she wants and that's her goal.
I think ppl take offence far to easily.

cheesebubble · 26/01/2021 12:07

Pahahahaha people who have no children commenting on how you love your life and bring up your child. This always makes me laugh, have a child yourself first, then you might be able to say something, otherwise, just shut up!!

sillysmiles · 26/01/2021 12:09

I'm wondering if she is having her first in her late 40s is there a massive backstory on her part - I'm guessing infertility and a lot of angst and worry.
That doesn't give her a reason to be an asshole though.

Seasaltyhair · 26/01/2021 12:10

OP is this the second time you’ve posted about her?

Tell her the reason why you work is to show your children that it’s incredibly important that women keep their independence as you wouldn’t want your kids to think women are door mats..

Buddytheelf85 · 26/01/2021 12:10

I knew an immigrant from a less congested country, who remarked that they were looking at some distance from London for a property to buy, because they didn't want to live in a "rabbit hutch", which was their term for any property smaller than a four-large-bedroom detached house with separate kitchen, dining and living rooms, and possibly enough garden space to house a tennis court. I was living in London flat at the time. They weren't sniping, they were simply talking about their own life and preferences, based on what they were used to having, without thinking who their audience was.

But in this situation the OP’s friend has very specifically commented on the OP’s situation, whereas your friend was a bit thoughtless. If your friend had said ‘I could never live in a rabbit hutch like you do’ or ‘it must be so hard to live in a rabbit hutch in central London’ then that would be comparable.

Anyway, OP, one thing I’ve learnt since having my son is that some people feel a real need to have their choices or their planned choices affirmed all the time. If someone makes a different choice, they take that as a personal slight. When it just isn’t.

Also, there are a high proportion of SAHMs on MN but my experience in real life is that they are quite rare - WOHMs are the majority by far. Out of all my friends, relations and acquaintances with children under 5 I only know two SAHMs. One sends her child to nursery a couple of days a week. The other is desperate to get her child into nursery but can’t because of Covid.