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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

163 replies

Pleidiolwyfimgwlad · 26/01/2021 08:52

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

OP posts:

TheSoapyFrog · 26/01/2021 12:14

"I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life".
This is just as snipey too you know?

rossogingerale · 26/01/2021 12:15

i have no doubt's you are a fabulous Mum. She has no idea what is coming her way! Her smugness will change as soon as she has the baby, she has no idea how hard it is going to be, ignore for now and get in contact once the baby is born to see how she is.

Apple31419 · 26/01/2021 12:15

Hey OP, another thought that used to relieve my guilt from working sometimes.

Children benefit from a range of people and experiences. There's a bit of arrogance there if I think I'm genuinely clever and talented enough to provide that all.
My childminder had a few other kids and also knew all the local activities, had a great network, plus did a lot of things and ideas I would never have thought of (or be bothered to do).

HippoOnMyRoofEatingCake · 26/01/2021 12:20

@Seasaltyhair

OP is this the second time you’ve posted about her?

Tell her the reason why you work is to show your children that it’s incredibly important that women keep their independence as you wouldn’t want your kids to think women are door mats..

Most women work for men, and get paid a lot less than them at the same time. Kind of doormatty.

RuggerHug · 26/01/2021 12:20

If she's normally a decent person who may just be in the bubble of herself now just say "I'm sure you don't mean it, but you do know how you come across saying that? I hope you haven't made comments to anyone else with children because it seems incredibly judgemental and frankly naive coming from someone who has no experience having children or knowing anyone else's circumstances. Just something to think about". If she didn't know then you haven't been a bitch, if she did mean she knows that everyone she's spoken to like that thinks the same about her.

ooohbriefcase · 26/01/2021 12:20

Ignore her.
We're judged for being a working mums.
We're judged for being a sahm's.
We're judged for being older mums
We're judged for being young mums
We're judged for sending our kids to nursery
We're judged for not sending our kids to nursery.
We're judged for being career driven
We're judged for not being career driven.
This list is never ending.
Mums can't win. Someone will always judge us for our choices.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 26/01/2021 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 12:22

Did someone just call SAH mothers "doormats"? To have such strong issues about someone else, you REALLY need to be unhappy with your own choices. Maybe time to find a better job don't you think?

HippoOnMyRoofEatingCake · 26/01/2021 12:27

It seems mumsnet is incapable of having a civil discussion on SAHMs or working mums or young mums or old mums without it turning into some sort of juvenile slanging match.

And then you'll have a thread about how rude people on mumsnet are but oh no, it's just people being frank and honest.

Seasaltyhair · 26/01/2021 12:28

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

Did someone just call SAH mothers "doormats"? To have such strong issues about someone else, you REALLY need to be unhappy with your own choices. Maybe time to find a better job don't you think?

I own my own business

I was a SAHP for years. The financial insecurity was enough to make me want to get out of that position and I’ll encourage my dds to do the same.

GwendolineMarysLaces · 26/01/2021 12:29

Sounds like her comments are fairly benign and you are choosing to take offence tbh. And yes, I did use a nursery and go back to work.

MrsMarrio · 26/01/2021 12:33

She's lucky to be able to not work, I'm reducing my hours when I go back to work to be with Ds as much as I can financially allow but it's also not fair to solely rely on DH to keep everything financially going. Mums having ds when I go back, she's retired now and if I didn't have her then god know what I would do as my monthly wage and the childcare fee would leave me with a wage that isn't worth going to work for. Mums do everything they can for their children and most of the time that means going out and earning and keeping their bellies fed and a roof over their head

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/01/2021 12:39

@rossogingerale

Are you trying to say that mothers who go to work decide to do so because they find parenting too difficult and want someone else to look after their children, because working is easier?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/01/2021 12:40

@RapunzelHadExtensions

Lazy cow

Wow....

majesticallyawkward · 26/01/2021 12:43

There is always an undertone of judgement aimed at mothers no matter what we do. Dads never get this and it's such a shitty double standard.

I think the OPs friend is in that bubble of being pregnant with their first and no idea of what the reality will be and not really understanding that her current views don't represent everyone. Probably doesn't mean anything by it personally but is coming off quite judgemental.

I have always worked full time and both dc attended nursery. My friend chose to give up work before having her first baby and has no intention of returning, spends all day with the now toddler and often comments she could never leave them at a nursery and it's barbaric to abandon them... I have chosen not to react.

My own dc are happy and cared for (My youngest is in nursery now and honestly it is obvious he adores the staff and they love him right back), their needs are met as well as my own. I have an identity outside of 'mum' and am showing my dc they can have everything while maintaining a better standard of living for us all (as the higher earner and more career driven).

That's not say a sahp isn't doing that, but claiming that dc of working parents are less loved is ridiculous. My sahp friend once said, pre dc, she didn't feel the need to have an identity separate from her dh and is now happy not having anything for herself away from him and their dc.

Instead of sniping at other mums we should be supporting each other and turning this internalised guilt to the real problem of the double standards applies to women.

Tianatiers · 26/01/2021 12:43

I've put YABU because of your comment about not being in the 1950s which makes you sounds pretty judgmental the other way. Even if you haven't said how you feel about SAHPs out loud to her maybe she's got that vibe from you that you don't approve so she's trying to stick up for herself.

BerylSilverstone · 26/01/2021 12:47

Sounds like she might be projecting her own concerns a bit. I wouldn’t dream of commenting on anyone else’s circumstances, it’s really rude. I wouldn’t take any motive-everyone is an expert on parenting when they’re pregnant. Then reality hits lol

Folklore9074 · 26/01/2021 12:47

Her comments sound fairly innocuous, taken at the face value of what you have posted. Just ignore them. From your post it sounds like she has struggled to become a parent and is now over the moon to be one finally in her 40s. That is going to be affecting her thinking. Take it all with a huge pinch of salt.

mistletoeandsigh · 26/01/2021 12:50

She doesn't really know what it's like yet. And the longer you're a parent, hopefully the less likely you are to give a toss what others do!

If she is usually a good friend, next time she said something like that, I would just say "I will support you whatever your choices". Hopefully she will shut up 🤐

Mary46 · 26/01/2021 12:57

I think I pull her up on the comments if she says it again. Not nice. We cant win. When mine in childcare I got comments. When I didnt work got it then too! No harm kids knowing they have work in life.

CaughtInTheCovid · 26/01/2021 13:14

I would gently challenge her and just say ‘I appreciate you have decided to be a SAHM and would be nothing but supportive. I wish you’d be supportive of my choice to work instead of being critical’.

Chloemol · 26/01/2021 13:15

I would just turn round and tell her that every person is different, that she doesn’t know your circumstances behind your decision and to stop now. I would also tell her that if she continues you will be reporting her to HR for harassment

Opticabbage · 26/01/2021 13:30

Your insecurities are showing. Making different life choices doesn't need to be seen as a personal insult and, to be honest, I hope she realises you aren't very nice/supportive because I wasted a lot of time on bad friends like you when I was a new parent.

Tigger001 · 26/01/2021 13:45

I don't find her comments snipey, It's comments you have interpreted that way.

You sound quite defensive about your choice, you really shouldn't be. It's a valid choice to go back to work. if you make ridiculous sweeping comments to her like I want to keep my identity and it's not the 1950s ,if she were insecure, she could be offended or maybe others on here could be (as let's be honest, in RL typical people really don't care about others choices 😂😂🙈🙈)

The bottom line is, as PP say whenever this comes up, you will always get people being so naive as to think life is black and white, you should work, you should stay home.....NO you should do what is right fit you and your family.

If you take her comments personally talk to her about it, if she is your friend surely a frank conversation will sort it out. I'm sure she really doesn't care one bit of you go to work or not.

CloudPop · 26/01/2021 14:00

"One thing I have learned is that the vast majority of parents do what they feel is best for their family, and I don't stand in judgement of any of them or their choices".

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