Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

[Pleidiolwyfimgwlad]

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

I’d expect someone in their late 40’s would have much more scope to stay home - I’m just like you OP we couldn’t afford for me not to work!

Let her spout her crap just smile and ignore her, Everyone is the perfect parent before their child’s been born

It seems like she’s extremely protective of her unborn child and probably very nervous, so the idea of not caring everything for it and wanting other things is unimaginable to her right now.
I think it’s understandable but very annoying as her friend to hear!
I would say, when you say things like that I feel a bit like you’re judging me for my choices based on what you want for you. I’m happy with my choices, but I’ll be supportive of you too. Everyone’s different.

I got this when I had to go back to work as a single parent. Friends making digs “oh I don’t know how you do it, I just couldn’t work because I want to give the kids the attention they need” Thanks then!

Don't worry, all of the "I'll be a perfect parent, all healthy meals and no screens" types end up force-feeding spaghetti hoops to a screaming toddler and using an iPad as a babysitter just like the rest of us. Reality hurts.

Sanctimonious cow she is. She’ll probably be the type to pawn her baby off on others now and again anyway ( post COVID) but still not work.

Lucky fucking her that can afford to not work and “just give her baby all her attention”. Let her crack on. I personally love going to work for a break sometimes ha

Whilst I understand her naive comments as an excited mum to be, she'll realise the drudgery and soulless life that comes with that status. Plus children need interaction from others, she'll realise her baby may be her world just now, but babies soon need more than mum, and mum needs a more rounded existence and independence also, it's not a bubble as she is now, it's growth and expansion - mum alone can't provide that, plus she needs to provide for herself and her family if husband disappeared

She isn't a parent yet, when the blinkers come off she may decide that being with a child 24/7 is not all that it is made out to be and find herself needing the adult company and stimulation work provided. On the other hand she might just lovd it take her baby to every baby group she can find and be a lady that likes to lunch. She won't know until she has her lo.

She may be thoughtless and not realise her comments are upsetting you. Or maybe you feel guilty so the comments hit closer to home? I had similar from my sil when dd was 10 months and I decided to go back to work, I promptly told her I had a career not just a job that I had bloody well worked hard for and wanted to be a positive role model to my dd. She could parent however she chose to but I would make my own choices that shut her up. Like a pp I find it is women who have jobs often low paid that they don't enjoy that make such comments rather than those who have a career . I worked hard to go to uni, pass professional exams and overcome a lot of hurdles to be where I am today. I work part time only as that gives me the best balance and I am happy with my choices. Each to their own!

When people said things like that to me, I'd just say, smiling, "Well, you know, I thought it would be nice to keep paying the mortgage."

• like her I struggle to understand why you'd have a baby and decide that your wish to work, a want, not a necessity, when you have such young age.

I feel the same as your friend. And tbh it saddens me that so many mothers, specifically, decide that they don't wish to be so instrumental in their young child's life and would prefer to put their child in an institution unnecessarily from such a young age, rather than nurture their own child. *

can we have an award for the most ridiculous response?

Why is it mothers can't go to work but fathers can? Maybe take a look at why you have such an issue, educate yourself on internalised misogyny and get a grip. Good lord don't wish to be instrumental in their young child's life smh

Women need to stop tearing each other part over trivial things and respect each other!

My best friend in the world is about 10 years behind me in terms of family building.
She is a wonderful woman, kind, generous but also pristine house proud and organised-She came round when I had just had my third son, my other two were rampaging and being robust, loud and happy boys of 7 and 3 - she exclaimed loudly at the dinosaurs, Lego's and baby paraphernalia "oh god, I hope I don't have boys" I was so hurt, we didn't really see much of each other for a few years. Then time passed and we settled back into our normal routine of seeing one another, mainly for girls meals out, not much kiddo involvement but her life was busy with work and being relatively free! Again it hurt a little but It just was what it was.
She now has three children and two are sons and one in particular is wild! He is so like my youngest, active, loud, busy and daring! And honestly my friend has embraced it, she mocks herself for how she thought before, how daft she was and how little she knew! We laugh about it together! I just think we need these ideals of how things are going to be otherwise would we ever enter into such a insanity inducing circus as having kids! 😂

@bringingonbackthegoodtimes

My best friend in the world is about 10 years behind me in terms of family building. She is a wonderful woman, kind, generous but also pristine house proud and organised-She came round when I had just had my third son, my other two were rampaging and being robust, loud and happy boys of 7 and 3 - she exclaimed loudly at the dinosaurs, Lego's and baby paraphernalia "oh god, I hope I don't have boys" I was so hurt, we didn't really see much of each other for a few years. Then time passed and we settled back into our normal routine of seeing one another, mainly for girls meals out, not much kiddo involvement but her life was busy with work and being relatively free! Again it hurt a little but It just was what it was. She now has three children and two are sons and one in particular is wild! He is so like my youngest, active, loud, busy and daring! And honestly my friend has embraced it, she mocks herself for how she thought before, how daft she was and how little she knew! We laugh about it together! I just think we need these ideals of how things are going to be otherwise would we ever enter into such a insanity inducing circus as having kids! 😂

This. So much this.

Hmmmm, interesting thread.

Middle aged woman having a baby - check. Working mum vs stay at home mum - check. Subject designed to make people argue and froth - check. OP posts one post and doesn't return - check.

Not gonna waste my time posting any advice or comments for the OP on here.

Just posted here to see the deletion message.