Pregnant friend snipey comments about me being a working mum

[Pleidiolwyfimgwlad]

Friend is pregnant with a much wanted first child in her late 40’s. I am really happy for her. However the last 4 times I have spoken to her she has made really snipey comments alluding to the fact that I have worked right through having my kids- part time when they were younger and now full time. She won’t work after her baby is born. I had to work to keep the family going- like most mums I know.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery. I have also had ‘I could never parent like you’ and ‘it must be SO hard to work when you want to be with your baby’ - her baby isn’t even here yet.

I wish people could just accept people’s lives - I wanted to work but I also needed to. I wanted to keep my identity too- We aren’t living in the 1950’s. I feel like I am a better mum because I went to work too as I have had more balance in my own life. That may not be everyone’s choice obviously and I support people’s decisions to make the right choice for them.

I really hope I wasn’t so god awful sanctimonious when I was pregnant though to be honest.

Aibu to be fed up of it - I was quite upset last night as it made me feel like a bad mum when I know in my heart that isn’t the case.

Yesterday’s comment was ‘I just want to give my child my full attention’ implying that I didn’t because my child went to nursery.

She's not sniping. You just seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

@Clymene

I think it sounds like she's justifying to you why she wants to be a sahm and is worried you'll be judging her rather than the other way round.

Yes I thought this also. Even if it is subconscious.

FWIW I was desperate to return to work for a bit. Then desperate to reduce my hours.

Now I am desperate to quit and be at home! My wishes have changed as my life has changed. Happens that way for most people!

You know you're not a bad mum ❤️

We all make the choices that are right for our families. I'm about to go back to work after my second mat leave (if mat leave during Covid has taught me anything it's that I most definitely do not ever want to be a SAHM 😂). We could afford for one of us not to work, but I enjoy the field I work in, I've worked hard to get there, I enjoy the opportunity to use my brain and work with other adults. I like that my daughter will have a mother to (hopefully) look up to who has a successful scientific career. And one day they'll be in school all day, and then they'll be grown up, and then what do I do with my days? Tbh I think my eldest gets more out of a day in nursery than she does a day sitting at home with me anyway. So that's what's right for my family 🤷‍♀️

Her choices are equally valid but she's, at best, being extremely inconsiderate in voicing her views on your choices. And yes, as others said, we're all perfect parents until we actually have kids.

I don't know any SAHP that had genuine careers, all the ones I know already worked part time or had low paying jobs so it wasn't that much of a loss in their eyes. I don't think they were career focused to start with.

The vast majority of women with children that I personally know who had jobs they enjoyed or had worked hard for, continued to work. Albeit some part time for brief periods.

Look very surprised and say that until some universal law makes food, clothing, and shelter magically free, you will be continuing to provide for your children? You know, the actual children that you actually already have, and have been parenting for years.

Or lean in, burst into hysterical tears, and howl ‘Oh, if only I’d been like you my children wouldn’t have turned out to be joyriding hooligans/international drug kingpins/ on death row in the US!’ And every single time she bangs on about it being sad that you have to work and she’ll be giving her attention to her child, burst into the same tears and wail endlessly and as boringly as possible about how terribly your children have turned out, and all because you’re a working mother. (If possible while gesturing, weeping, towards their swimming medals and reading awards.

Honestly, OP, don’t give this nonsense any headspace. Every woman I know has worked before and after having children, often more productively and happily than before, and been the better parent for it.

I remember receiving comments like this, when I had my DC. I worked full time (had to for financial reasons). The comments ranged from little snide remarks from an friend who chose to live on benefits, to head-tilty faux-sympathetic remarks from a mum at a toddler group, who had a millionaire husband. How I’d love to go back in time and deal with them differently - I think people should be pulled up when they do this.

Actually she probably is aware as a much older Mum that she might not be around quite as long for her child so maybe is very focused on the early years.

Tell her to fuck right off. I'd be replying with 'well I actually bring up my own kids i.e. providing for them by going out to work and supporting them, it's the taxpayer and me who are bringing up and paying for yours.'

Your situations are very different, just say to her next time that ^^ different people choose to live their lives and bring up their kids in different ways, their is no absolute right or wrong.

If she's in her late forties, she's extremely unlikely to have another child, and has worked for a long time already, I can't blame her for choosing to be a sahm. She's just being a bit of twat by banging on about it so much though.

I was 40 when I had my, much longed for, only child (although at the time I hoped to have at least one more). I honestly thought I was going to be some kind of uber earth mother, but actually I was begging work to take me back f/t when my baby was 10 months old because I missed it so much, breastfeeding was a disaster, and I loathed using a sling.

We all have ideas of how we'll parent before we are actually faced with the reality. With hindsight, I do wish I'd taken a couple of years out to enjoy the early years, but financially it would have been tough.

Once you get out of the intense whirlwind of pregnancy/babies/toddlers then you get a bit more perspective, I do my best not to judge anyone else's choices these days.

Smile and nod. She has no idea what actual parenting is like. In 2 years time maybe she'll realise how much of a bell end she was.

I say that as someone who works part time because I didn't see the point in having kids and then sending them to nursery 5 days a week (we used a combination of me, DH, nursery and 1 day of GP's). We are very luck to be able to do that. Being a FT SAHM is one of my most feared things, its so hard!!

Everyone's a good parent when they have no kids.

She might change her mind when the baby is born, especially if it’s one who cries a lot or has reflux or has to be constantly entertained to keep it happy. After a few months of broken nights, nursery rhymes and the monotony of nappy changes, feeding, then weaning starts along with endless mess, she might start to lose her sense of identity and crave work and adult conversation.

I’ve seen it happen to a lot of women. I was one of them. After 7 months I accepted being a SAHM wasn’t good for me (or DD, who loves being around other kids!) I went back to work PT and never regretted it, then FT when she turned 3.

I hope she’s commenting to her husband that she couldn’t parent like him and asking him if he’s sad about leaving his baby.

Ach it stings but try and ignore it. I say that but I still get angry when I was told “I couldn’t send my baby to a childminder like you as I love them too much”. I walked away (rather than inflict sweary words on little ears).

Similar thought to Bemar’s - she’s thinking out loud and maybe a bit aware that she’s an older mum and perhaps worried herself about being judged on that - she’s had a lot of her career and nights out and perhaps wondering if she is still young enough to be able to cope with work and bring a child up as you did. I think she’s a little afraid but it’s coming over as a criticism especially she keeps going on about it

I’ve done both, working with babies/sahm and you get judged no matter what.

That was really shitty of her but some of these comments aren't much better! As to be expected whenever there's a thread in this topic unfortunately.

She has no idea what parenting is like and if she's normally a decent person she will cringe with embarrassment when she looks back on these comments. Hopefully she'll apologize to you when the realities set in. If she had form for being so tactless I would either pull her up on it if you think the friendship is worth saving, or just distance myself as who needs friends like this?!

I couldn’t send my baby to a childminder like you as I love them too much

Jesus Christ who says this shit?! I've done all (SAHM, part time and full time work) but never had any judgment to my face so I'm always shocked by the insulting rubbish some mums are subjected to. It awful, and nearly always from other women too which is the worst part.

Well,if she is in late '40 and it is her first baby she is very likely to get fed up with 24/7 baby care and miss her old lifestyle.
Just wait and you will see how quickly she changes her mind when the baby arrives.

You can complain about her comments without being shitty about SAHMs. Maybe she’s confident in her “identity” and doesn’t think she’ll need work to maintain it.

Of course she shouldn’t be judgy, not because she’s clueless because she hasn’t yet had her baby but because people who’ve had to make different choices will be annoyed.

My friend is a similar age and about to adopt a baby and she said she won’t be going to work because she’s “doesn’t want to pay someone to look after her child when she can do it better herself”. She currently works in a nursery.

If you’re happy with your choices, let her comments wash over you. She might hate being with her baby full time. She might love it. It’s nothing to you either way. But don’t pretend you’re not as judgemental with your digs about the 1950s. It’s nasty, unnecessary and damages your argument.

YANBU. I'd have told her to fuck off.

Everyone has their own parenting style that works for them and, mostly importantly, the child.

You did what was right for you and your family. If she keeps making you feel bad, even if it may not be purposeful, you should tell her how you feel - pregnancy is no excuse to make someone feel like crap

I'd laugh at her. It would have been a lot harder for all of us if I hadn't worked, being able to pay rent and for utilities and buy food and clothes and things was nice.

She's being a cow. I'm child free but even I know that the parent you think you will be is very different to the parent you are. Easy for her to judge your choices before she has her own. Even if the judgement was legitimate. Which it isn't. It's very rude to say so.

@firstimemamma

"I could never parent like you"

There was a thread about this comment a while ago, I wonder if you're the same person who started that thread too. The comments are similar.

Yes, I remember that line too. Suspect the OP might be a GF come back to stir up some drama.

@Jengnr

She’ll have even more time with her baby if she pisses all her mates off like this.