To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

A toddler won't be adversely affected by saying indoors for one day, fucking hell the drama on this thread. We are in a pandemic, quite frankly I view the day as a success if we make it to bedtime, let alone one day in jammies watching telly. I doubt the toddler was glued watching it anyway and OP said she obviously fed them. I am intrigued what magical and exciting activities the partner would have come up with if the roles were reversed and he was on his what felt like 10000000th day stuck at home with the little one and no access to your support network.

This man sounds controlling and insecure.

If he was behaving this way before you even got married, then I can’t see it getting any better.

His insecurities could either stem from a previous relationship that have created a major trust issue (that could even be witnessing a parent cheating on a parent, doesn’t have to be an ex). Or possibly he’s cheated at some point in the past (not necessarily on you, could’ve been in a previous relationship) and in his mind if he’s capable of cheating then everyone, including you, is capable of it. Possibly you have a better idea of the what the root cause of his insecurities is.

The nasty things he says to you, could be considered as narcissistic behaviour. He puts you down possibly to dent your confidence so you feel like you need him. I’m no psychologist so I’m not about to say he’s definitely a narcissist, I’m purely going off the many hours of research I’ve done on it myself and his behaviours do tick some of the boxes.

You sound thoroughly fed up and depressed.

When I was dealing with this in my relationship, I had some counselling sessions with Relate. They can help you look at what you want and need from the relationship vs what you’re getting. Maybe it’s worth giving them a call? At the very least they can help you wade through your emotions and stresses to help you clear your head a bit.

And maybe as others have suggested, start looking at your finances and planning how you would leave and what support you can get, so that if you do decide to leave you can do so under your terms and with less stress.

@supersonicginandtonic

Sorry but yes you can look for another job: that's an excuse. All the things you moan about, every other parent on the country is facing right now. You have 1 child. It's not difficult. Yes it's tough but sitting around doing nothing is not going to help you mood at all. Start job searching, gives you something to aim for. Your toddler won't hold your hand, get some reigns or a wrist strap then. It takes minutes to get dressed, another thing that won't help your mood. It doesn't take much effort to have a quick tidy and wash the pots either. Stop making excuses and try and help yourself. Yes your husband is a knob bit you aren't much better feeling sorry for yourself and not doing anything pro-active.

I think you should maybe go and read the OP’s other posts.

His behaviour isn’t just attributed to her having one lazy day. It’s much deeper than that.

@ineedaholidaynow

I think he is more than a twat, with very update by the OP he is looking worse and worse

Indeed!!

@HorseOfPhillipMoss exactly, this report is massively one sided

@HorseOfPhillipMoss are you actually Phillip Moss from TA? Cos you sound just as nasty.
Talk about a race to the bottom and making up one’s own narrative

@Crazycrazylady

To be fair, if I came home after a days work to find my sahp still in their pjs and the house like a tip, I'd be annoyed as well. You have one child which i know its tricky in lockdown but there seems to be more going on here than than. I'd see your Gp However what you do as your hobby is absolutely none of his business.

My SAHP 😱😱 Wtf?? This post is grim.

There's a pandemic on, half of our days off are duvet days because there's fuck all else to do.

He's a rude bastard who clearly can't see how knackered you are. You need to communicate somehow and ask him to just quietly listen to your side. If he can't do that then proceed as you wish... divorce or no

Nasty, depressing thread. Why do some posters always have to assume that the op is lying by omission or exaggerating? Why are people going to such lengths to support this guy’s behaviour? I mean the assertion from one pp that the story is implausible because nobody would come home and get angry unless there was a lot more going on is laughably naive. It’s very recognisable behaviour to anyone who has had a controlling, domineering parent or partner.

Actually, that’s a rhetorical question as I know the answer very well. It’s gratifying for some people to kick others when they’re down. You see it all the time on here.

As for if the sexes were reversed... I replied in very similar terms on a recent thread by a man who was being belittled and controlled by his wife. Don’t care what sex you or your partner is - this sort of shit is unacceptable. Can’t treat your partner with kindness? Don’t like them very much? Think their hobbies are silly and childish? Leave and do them a favour rather than pulling them down.

Oh, and the perfect parenting comments! Some don’t seem to realise that their personal habits and standards are just that. Reminds me of the laundry and shower threads where posters sternly pronounce anyone not washing their towels after each use or showering twice a day is ‘grim’, ‘rank’, blah blah, when it’s clearly nothing of the sort.

Why are people going to such lengths to support this guy’s behaviour?

The delightful stench of internalised misogyny that is.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer - having a lazy day with your child as a break in an otherwise pretty busy programme is called "having a break". It can be actually beneficial for both, mother and child as it gives them opportunity to switch off and relax.
You can't always be switched on. Even people at work have weekends to recharge. Mothers in full care of a child don't seem to get that break and it can be mentally and physically extremely demanding.
I should probably call out my DH on lazy parenting, because instead of going for a long walk outdoors with DD and then reading Homer and discussing the intricacies of the conflict between the warring sides in Illiad he played Tetris with her on xBox while sharing biscuits. He's even wearing a hoodie.
Awful.

Maybe try and do a role swap, he can stay at home, whilst you go to work. He'll appreciate you more and no more arduous walks for you

OP it sounds like your DH doesn't actually like you. You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't like you, or respect you, or cares about you

If my kid had kept me up till 4am, I would have a duvet day too.

If my DH came home from work and found me and my kid in our pjs, snuggled on the sofa, he'd smile. Then he would ask how our day had been and offer to do something to help.

Most men I know would react like that, and most fathers I know have also had the off duvet day with their kids.

Your DH is massively unreasonable.

You both sound knackered and stressed to me, I don’t think it’s grounds for divorce. Your PJ day was a one off but sounds like his reaction was also a one off? Unless I missed something and he regularly screams at you.

I won’t lie, I wouldn’t be too pleased about walking into a mess after a day at work either and I have shouted at my DH for this in the past. It was years ago but yes, I basically fell in the door completely exhausted and I was met with a total disgrace so I flipped. Perhaps he is resentful of you not working right now (totally understand your reasons for not finding a new job though!).

I’d honestly just sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Toddlers can be relentless and yours isn’t sleeping very well which always makes things way more difficult. You should work together as a team really, you’re not enemies.

If you read all ops posts and still think you should post in support of the Dh I honestly pity the people in your life. If you think this is acceptable do you behave like this? Do you scream at your partner? Insult their appearance? Are you emotionally abusive.
If you think what he has done is ok start taking a real hard look at yourself.

Why are people going to such lengths to support this guy’s behaviour?

The delightful stench of internalised misogyny that is.

Hear hear!

In what other job would it be acceptable to work 300 days straight without a break?

For those that are happy to never take a break or have a low key day, good for you, but I for one am a human being and that means sometimes giving yourself a break when you recognise you need one. One day wearing comfy clothes, playing indoors, reading and watching a bit of TV is not going to harm anyone.

@supersonicginandtonic

She will have to manage like the rest of the working adult population, it's unfortunately the way of the world at the moment. My nursery has been shut due to COVID and I've had to work from home. Schools have been shut due to snow. And if the OP is feeling down the worst thing she can do is sit around doing nothing, giving herself too much time to think. Maybe her husband is feeling stressed having to work constantly who knows.

Plenty of people cant work from home. What then? It's such nonsense when people say I managed you can too. Such privileged bullshit People have different lives and different circumstances. For thousands of people the schools closing has meant losing their jobs.

@Glenchase
He does sound like a complete twat.
It’s not you, it’s him. I hope things change for you

In what other job would it be acceptable to work 300 days straight without a break?

It's not a job to be a parent! You don't take "a break" from parenting. So you are feeling lazy and bored, you don't look after your child that day because it's Monday?

The saddest thing is that it does happen, but it's not right.

You can chose to ignore that FEMALE posters would have reacted exactly the same way, and ignore the countless threads about lazy male partners who go in a completely different way.

Double standards indeed.

You can chose to ignore that FEMALE posters would have reacted exactly the same way, and ignore the countless threads about lazy male partners who go in a completely different way.

And you can choose to ignore these are posters are deliberately twisting ops post.
Posters talking about the OP hadnt got out of bed. Hadnt looked after the child. That she left all the cleaning for her dp. All this is made up bullshit.
Made up by weirdos with some serious issues with SAHMs. So serious that they would post in support of a man who sounds awful.

It's not a job to be a parent! You don't take "a break" from parenting. So you are feeling lazy and bored, you don't look after your child that day because it's Monday?

She took a break in the loosest terms. She stayed indoors, wore comfy clothes, cooked meals, read to and played with her son. She didn't not look after him!

And yes, all people do need a break from time to time including parents. The lazy MALES of other threads are generally lazy all the time, not having a quiet day.

yes, because a dad whining he's tired being at home doing nothing, but waste evenings playing video games with his mates ALWAYS go down well on MN.

And a working mum coming home to be met with all the chores of the day can expect posters telling her to tough it up, her poor unemployed husband is allowed to have a BREAK don't you know 😂

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer you are making stuff up again. He didn't come home to do the chores.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer are you wilfully misreading posts or what? A parent who rarely or never lifts a finger and leaves their partner to do all the childcare, housework, mental load-type stuff - bad. A partner who gives themselves an easier day from time to time while still meeting their child’s needs and pulling their weight overall - perfectly fine. Whether they’re male or female.

Hth.