To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer you are making stuff up again. He didn't come home to do the chores.

Plus it's one evening a week when DC is in bed! WTF is wrong with some people. There are plenty of posters who tell women their husbands are entitled to a hobby. OP has invited her husband to join in!

OP didn't leave the chores for him to do anyway, and he is an adult who also lives there, god forbid he should lift a finger.

I won’t lie, I wouldn’t be too pleased about walking into a mess after a day at work either and I have shouted at my DH for this in the past and for your accept you were wrong our do you still feel it's ok to shout at people who don't meet your expectations?

You don't take "a break" from parenting. So you are feeling lazy and bored, you don't look after your child that day because it's Monday? if he'd come in to a starving child crying in the corner then yes, we might advise op of having a day off. As it was, her child was cared for and looked after, regardless of whether they were wearing Sunday best or PJs and reciting Chaucer or reading Gruffalo.
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yes, because a dad whining he's tired being at home doing nothing except op want doing nothing, she feed and cared for her child having been up all night with him but waste evenings playing video games with his mates it's really sad consider spending one night a week with your friends doing something fun as wasting your evening

And a working mum coming home to be met with all the chores of the day he wasn't. She got up and did then all once he was home her poor unemployed husband is allowed to have a BREAK don't you know yes good forbid a full time sahp is every allowed any time to themselves because their contribution isn't directly economic.

You'd hate me, every evening DH comes home to the living room in messy chaos, and any night is necessary he helps me finish tidying it once the kids are in bed. He even, gasp, washes up whilst I sit on the sofa and drink tea

On a good day (meal ready, tidy house, happy nurtured kids) my husband thanks me for the effort I've made.

On a bad day (maybe 2 x a month) where it's been PJs and Cbeebies and Disney+ and Deliveroo mcdicks cuddled up on the sofa he'll come in, tell us we look snuggly, grab his PJs and join in.

Fuck chores, fuck stepford housewives, and fuck this lockdown. Do what you and your kid enjoy.

she says she is essentially waiting to be congratulated for being a parent or at the very least her DH should be grateful that she’s a parent
Damn right he should be grateful! I’ve given up my opportunity to work so he is able to. I’ve given up my opportunity to go out of the house and do something interesting and talk to adults so he is able to. I didn’t sign up to be a SAHP but somebody had to because we have nowhere to send our child during this pandemic.

waste evenings playing video games
It’s not a waste. I enjoy it and it helps me relax and supports my mental health. Why is one hobby more worthy than another? I take 3hrs for myself once a week and I do something I enjoy.

Thanks to those who have posted helpful comments. I’d been up till 4am and I was just very tired and mentally worn out that day. Today we got up and went grocery shopping, visited granny in our bubble and delivered her groceries and did her housework, I did a bit of my online study course while DS played with toys, I cooked a bolognese, emptied the dishwasher and the bin. DH came home and didn’t say a word. So the good days are just ignored and taken for granted, he only comments on the bad days.

Have you looked into trying to fix DSs sleep habits op? For your sanity as much as anything.

So did he talk to you at all?

Some of the replies on here are nothing short of absolutely disgusting.

OP - Your husband is an absolute cnt, he should absolutely be thanking you every day for giving up your opportunity to work to look after the child you both chose to have. If you want a duvet day, have a duvet day. Do not feel guilty about it because you bloody well deserve it. Also, don't listen to the people saying gaming is a waste of time. Maybe to them, but in actuality it's fun, social, and if it's your free time for the week you're entitled to spend it however you want.
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I'm actually appalled at some of the replies on here ffs.

It's still a thread of complete double standard.
And some of the replies about how hard it is and how it's a job and after 300 day ,you don't get a break.

It's called parenting... it's not a job'
It's a responsibility that you chose when you decided to have a child!

@quarentini surely that applies to her husband too? He also chose to be responsible for the child and by coming in and shouting at the mother of said child for not having a fucking perfectly stepford wife day is nothing short of disgusting.

I cannot bear people who say "you chose a kid you're responsible for it" blah blah. It's almost always people who get to pan off said darling children to grandparents and think it's appropriate to berate others for actually needing to think on their feet and try and factor in a break whilst not having the option for an actual break.

It's a responsibility that you chose when you decided to have a child! But she didn't choose to get made redundant in the middle of a pandemic. No one with a child older than a few months actively chose to parent in the middle of a pandemic. I'd happily put my youngest two back in me if o could and release them when it's all over

He shouldn't have done that but I'm also not sure why anyone would want congratulating for getting up and dressed and taking child out?

You sound fine to me OP. These are tough times, it's hard to find the motivation for anything right now. It's not like you're a SAHP by choice at the moment, so the whole 'well he's out working all day while she's in her pyjamas' is sort of a redundant argument. If there's no reliable childcare, what the hell are you supposed to do, I'm not surprised you feel quite fed up with the whole situation. Annoys me that this lockdown has disproportionately affected women, we're supposed to have turned all Mary Poppins with the whole home learning, daily exercise schizzle whilst simultaneously managing work from home/work out of the home, housework, generally staying sane and keeping the whole family sane as well.

"if I went for a walk with a man he’d go nuts"

Leave him. Leave him as soon as you can and live the life you want to live with your kid and your pink hair and your friends and your hobbies. He's a controlling arsehole.

I think there's a key phrase that you use: taken for granted.

It's very unreasonable of him to resent you taking a single day 'off' (I mean, it wasn't off--your son was happy, healthy, and entertained) in 300 days.

It's very unreasonable of him to be jealous of you talking to other men, including in the company of their wives/family members/etc. It's very unreasonable of him to be shitty about the way that you look.

But even that aside, being taken for granted is such a shrinking thing to do to a person. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I'd try to change the dynamic somehow, however you can. Is it possible to sit down and have a calm, open, honest conversation with him? I doubt it, somehow, but thought I'd ask.

When we can finally go out again, leave your toddler with him for a day, make sure he has done all the night time waking, put something like Peppa pig on a loop & leave him to it. If he kicks off again then either LTB or kick him out.

It's unfortunate that none of the posters defending OPs DH have given a shred of thought to the child because are just so busy falling over themselves to shove this woman down a bit further. Sometimes my child (like any human) is feeling a bit tired, overwhelmed, anxious and generally out of step because of the pandemic or something else so we colours, we go to the bed and lay snuggled under the covers with the TV on, she chooses her favourites to order in for dinner etc. She is 2.5 and being a toddler is hard! Being a toddler parent is hard! I want to teach her to know when she needs a break and to self care. Op seems to actually have it right in terms of acknowledging when she needs a break and finding an easy way to do this for herself and her child who is seeing this healthy way of being and will hopefully go on to copy it for himself in the future. But no, op is of course wrong because she should have powered through and been the stepford wife. Fuck that. You do you op because you sound a fuck lot further along in your self care than me! I wish I could acknowledge when I need a break and do healthy things for myself! I wish I had a weekly game night with friends and little way to connect. Sounds fantastic

Dirty dishes piled up infuriate me to tears

If I had come home to a partner in PJs gaming with dishes at the sink would have to bite my tongue.

It takes 5 minutes to unstack a dishwasher or give the plates a rinse.

No, you weren’t being unreasonable. He was. Isn’t it amazing how people don’t appreciate the work that the stay at home parent does? It’s as though it’s invisible. I don’t think you should leave him, but my 2c worth is wait for a calmer time and talk it through. These are stressful times all round and I’m not surprised that either of you have a short fuse at the moment.

The more you post about him, the more abusive he sounds. He sounds very controlling and jealous.

Stormcloaknord...her husband is a cunt though for screaming at her like that.

If I had a partner who didn’t work, pulled the depression card & said gaming helps their mental health, hadn’t got dressed & left the kitchen dirty for me to come home from work to I would probably feel like yelling too.

You know what also helps mental health? Having a clean & tidy house.

I know I'm missing the point but, what's the problem with adults wearing a hoody?? I'm honestly baffled 😂😂

I don't think I've seen any one of the sanctimonious crowd who care so much about the toddler ask whether he had a lovely day. Sounds like he did to me. Mum to himself doing nice things. Her not having to spend time, just for ONCE, doing the drudgery.

This madness that a toddler cannot miss a walk on any single day in case social fucking services arrive at the door is just another stick to beat mums with. The reason they often whinge and moan is because it's cold and boring. Are t you bored of the tedious never ending forced 'daily exercise' like it's some totalitarian state? I'm sure on some inner level the OPs child thought 'thank fuck for that'.

If you can't change the rules for a single day to do what YOU want then you have no autonomy. Everyone was safe and fed and entertained and poor old dad can survive waiting for a bit when he gets home happy in the knowledge that his family have had a nice day

Stop enabling men to treat women like live in maids.