To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[quote ZooKeeper19]**@Glenchase* shocking. This caught my attention: He had less of a problem with it a year ago when I was 3st heavier and didn’t have pink hair or a leather jacket, nor did I have a group of friends to socialise with (albeit on zoom) once a week.*

I think he is an insecure entitled SOB. I'd leave. He brings nothing in for you. How is he over the weekend? Does he get up, make breakfast for everyone, then plans a full on day with the toddler taking him places? Does he have a hobby? What does he do for fun?

I'd leave and never looked back the minute anyone would even try to tell me what to do, in any sense whatsoever.

FWIW I have been wearing PJs all day while WFH and so has my DH and have I had the option of reading a book for an hour (Pratchett

every parent parents every day. Because, well the clue is in thr title, we are parents. You don’t work. The child is at home with uou. Of course he assumes you’ll parent them. Who else is going to do it. No one gets congratulated for it
Every parent is a parent but not every parent is actively parenting as their primary job / focus. Her DH isn't actively parenting when he's at work. He isn't changing nappies and making lunch and reading The Little Ted Train for the 100th time. He isn't actively parenting when he's sleeping through the night an op is up with the child until midnight because he won't sleep.
So it isn't the same and it's disingenuous to suggest their both parenting the same every day.

A decent partner night be pissed off but wouldn't start shouting in front of the child. Or shouting at their partner for not doing as they ought. A decent adult wouldn't then turn it into a tirade about what clothes she wears and what books she reads. Would it be better if she was in a jumper reading chick lit?

When I was SAHM/working part-time I had days with baby/toddler DS when I struggled. When DH came home from work he would take one look at my face and take DS from me, so I could have time by myself. he wouldn't scream at me as the house or myself was less than perfect. And this was at a time when I could take DS out to see friends, toddler groups etc. Still had bad days, especially if it followed a bad night

I'm a sahp at the moment. The younger one was between nurseries when lockdown happened, and whilst he's a lovely, sweet kid, it's 10x harder to do anything when he's at home. Taking him out is not a fun task either. So most days I do my best, keep him entertained, then pick up the eldest from school (pre lockdown) and keep them from trying to kill each other until my husband gets home. Some days are just flop days, clothes don't get put away, the screens have been on for too long, sides could do with a wipe or 5. When my husband comes home on these days, he makes me a cup of coffee, gets my (hooded) dressing gown and orders us a chippy. Because he knows that no one is super-parent, and whilst he loves our kids some days are just bloody long and tedious.

If he came home and started throwing around personal criticisms because we've had a flop-day, he'd get back a whole host more. Nobody is perfect for goodness sake.

I miss having a hoodie, think I might treat myself to an X large comfy one for next winter when I'm not pregnant.

What’s this about not wearing hoodies? They’re practical and perfect for dog walking and looking after the horse, which are pretty much my only reason for currently leaving the house.

I think your dh sounds jealous and yes, I’d be thinking coercive control too.

There is one day a week when DH works and I don't. Since lockdown and both our DC being at home and homeschooling, I've reflexively apologised several times on that evening that I haven't got as much (or any) tidying/laundry/other house chores done as I'd hoped. He always says "don't apologise to me, don't give it another thought, taking care of them all day is a full time job in itself". He also makes a point of encouraging me to do something for myself on that evening because being penned up with them is exhausting. I'm not saying that because he's some kind of paragon, but because he has experience of doing that "job" all day alone and he knows it's draining, for many people more draining than a job where you have autonomy and adults to talk to and all your tasks aren't an endless Sisyphean grind being undone by a tiny person as fast as you can do them.

So yes, I think any parent who doesn't have some empathy and care for their partner in this scenario, even if they're also tired and worn, is a concern. If they don't have experience of being stuck at home with children in crap weather with nowhere to go, perhaps they should get some. And while I think a bit of irritation is understandable if not ideal, criticising someone's hair and hobbies and whole personality is not on. As a PP said, if I came home and found DH in this situation, I'd think that he was really frazzled and it had been a tough day, and my first impulses would be 1) concern, 2) to take over so he could have some time out and perhaps take a walk. Because I've been there.

Not much context here as we are only getting the OPs side. Everybody is grumpy and stressed and fed up. If the husband just came home from a long days work and had a whinge/rant because the house is a compete mess and obvious jobs not done - it’s kind of understandable IMO. Not saying it’s “right” but it’s hardly crime of the century, but if he’s always moaning and complaining and criticizing what you wear that a different matter.

Have you tried sitting down and discussing things with him. IE about playing games once a week and wearing what you want and each having your own free time and being allowed to make your own choices etc. He sounds very controlling but also feels like we might be getting only one side of a story here. Has he always been controlling? Before you were married? When did he start being so critical and controlling? You imply in your post that your mental health isn’t good right now but what about his? Doesn’t sound like you are communicating at all with one another.

@Cam77 but we only ever get the OP's side on MN

You married an arsehole. It's ok, plenty of us have been fooled in the past. I'd leave him before he destroys your self esteem so much you can't even leave the house

Hmmm he does sound a bit of a twat. My dh works shifts and when I’ve been at work all day and he’s done naff all I make it clear I’m pissed off. But he’s not looking after a small child .
I think it’s a hard time for all and it’s not difficult to feel unmotivated. You didn’t do anything wrong and looking after a child is bloody hard . It’s hard work so it’s ok to have a off day and chill out anything to break up the boringness of all this . If it was every day I’d worry but he’s not at all supportive . He’s seeing that your being lazy while he works all day . You need to talk to him about this as the resentment will fester .

I think he is more than a twat, with very update by the OP he is looking worse and worse

Your DH doesn’t sound very nice. based on your last update.

Why can’t adults wear hoodies? Did we find out?

He's a twat. Leave the fucker.

When I didn’t lose weight for our wedding he shouted at me and told me I was lazy.

That's pretty, er, out there behaviour.
You'd have been well within you rights to call off the wedding. And it seems his assholery is striding boldly onward...

Hey op, he was being a arse you definitely need to talk to him tonight. I'm also attempting a duvet day, I'm on the first day of a heavy flow my back is killing me and I've averaged 4-6 hours sleep for the last month I feel broken. My duvet day has been about a hour total in bed with toddler in like 20 min bursts. Building blocks, making lunch, toddler brake down as he wanted to break the new cat toy rather than let the cat use it, play dough and plying ghosts. If someone came said what he said to you I would be in tears...I also tend to clean in the morning while he has breakfast and at night after he goes to bed.

After more info I'd ltb he doesn't respect you. Use this as a wake up call.

He sounds quite controlling op and with a nasty streak too. Making comments about your appearance, putting you down, criticising you, making fun of your hobbies and being possessive and jealous. He’s definitely trying to undermine your confidence in yourself and your parenting.

I'm so f'ing tired I accidentally made two coffees just now. I am not cooking today.

This isn’t black and white IMO.

From the OP’s descriptions of the DH, he does sound controlling on the face of it,

But on the OP’s side, she says she is essentially waiting to be congratulated for being a parent or at the very least her DH should be grateful that she’s a parent. This to me implies that she is pretty resentful of her DS. People parent because it’s what they do. You have a baby because you want to be a parent, you don’t then wait to be congratulated or for your partner to be grateful for what you do.

Also, while the DH sounds insecure, one of the examples the OP gave was when she was outside with a male friend, talking and laughing, showing video’s, touching his arm etc which if this was posted the other way around would be considered to be an intimate gesture and people would be telling the OP to be wary of her DH doing the same.

If the OP is usually this flirtatious it could explain just why her DH has insecurities.

This seems like a toxic relationship on both sides, but both of them are in the wrong.

I get the feeling hes been watching youtube wankstains going on about how women should be traditional mothers and he gets to be billy big bollocks strolling on after work like hes in some shit 70s tv program. Seen it happen over and over again. He'l be saying 'cuck' next.

Woman goes out to work all day. Man at home. Woman comes in nothing done. Woman complains = man is a lazy good for nothing b
Man goes out to work all day. Woman at home no housework done. Still in pyjamas. Man complains = man is controlling.

@Viviennemary have read the OP's updates, the DH sounds controlling to me

@Viviennemary what is often the case when the woman goes out to work is she has come back to nothing done repeatedly. Day after day of the children having the bare minimum of care.

In this case it was ONE day. Just one. And the OP made dinner and emptied the dishwasher.

Sorry but yes you can look for another job: that's an excuse. All the things you moan about, every other parent on the country is facing right now.
You have 1 child. It's not difficult. Yes it's tough but sitting around doing nothing is not going to help you mood at all.
Start job searching, gives you something to aim for.
Your toddler won't hold your hand, get some reigns or a wrist strap then.
It takes minutes to get dressed, another thing that won't help your mood.
It doesn't take much effort to have a quick tidy and wash the pots either.
Stop making excuses and try and help yourself.
Yes your husband is a knob bit you aren't much better feeling sorry for yourself and not doing anything pro-active.