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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

179 replies

jusstme · 25/01/2021 18:17

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 26/01/2021 13:42

Do you really think he stopped all contact when you found out about it?

Shetoshe · 26/01/2021 14:17

Crazy to stay for money when your DC have grown up. Which is essentially what you're doing. It's scary, of course it is but the alternative is surely worse? Find your self-respect and divorce him for goodness sake.

MrsBrew005 · 26/01/2021 14:25

I's so sorry op. If he can't see how wrong his affair was himself then of course you cannot move on and forget it, and you shouldn't have to explain to him how wrong it is either!! His disregard for the damage his actions have caused shows how much he is invested in this marriage, if it was me I'd be showing him the door. You deserve much better op, don't waste any more time and energy on this man. Find your anger and use it to start a new life without him Flowers

Notadramallama · 26/01/2021 14:56

I was happily married (or so I thought) for 20 years then I discovered that he had been having an affair for years. I divorced him and, although it was incredibly hard to start with, my new life is wonderful and so much better than when I was married.

Take a look at the Chump Lady website, and then divorce him.

MasterPretender · 26/01/2021 14:56

Did he show any remorse at all?

Original poster
jusstme · 26/01/2021 15:05

Some days he seems remorseful, other days he doesn't. On the days he doesn't show any remorse I feel all the emotions I had when I first found out.

OP posts:
Original poster
jusstme · 26/01/2021 15:10

Yes he did. But she still keeps trying to contact him, He shows me all the emails and texts. I asked him not to block her so I could see any attempt to get in touch with him, she is now blocked though, she was getting abusive in her messages.

OP posts:
AnitaB888 · 26/01/2021 15:15

If this women was persistent in contacting him when she has been asked not to, then that is harassment.

Just because he has shown you some texts doesn't mean he doesn't have another ''phone.

Ask him to report her to the police.

Outbutnotoutout · 26/01/2021 15:20

I have not long started again at 50 and 50/50 split in assets.

I got £130,000 out the house and we left our pensions alone as they were simular.

Our kids are 22, 24 and 31

I bought myself a small cottage which I adore. I have started a relationship with an amazing man, who I love and trust.

You could do this. You husband isn't remorseful, he lied and cheated on you for 10yrs.

Find your happy

queensonia · 26/01/2021 15:27

At the risk of getting shot down in flames, I would just like to say that men – and women too for that matter - have affairs for all kinds of reasons but love is seldom one of them.

Men are also much more able to have sex for sex’s sake without feeling any great emotional connection to the other person.
The fact that he is still with you and made no attempt to set up a new life with this other person shows where his priorities lie.
You’ve been married for 37 years – so is it surprising that he felt the urge for some kind of an adventure - especially if it was offered to him on a plate? He might just as easily have taken up bungee-jumping.
The thrill of knowing that somebody else finds you attractive can be very seductive – especially if you’re at an age when you’re not as attractive as you used to be and your self esteem is low.
An affair needn't be the end of a marriage, so the question is: Is he a good husband, friend and companion in other ways? If you had never found out about this affair would you want to stay in the marriage? Or is this the final straw and one of several things you can’t forgive?
By denying it was an affair or trying to downplay it, he may be trying to spare your feelings as much as dodging your anger.

Instead of wanting to find out the ins and outs of how, when and where do you think you could talk to your husband calmly and honestly about WHY he had an affair? What was missing from his life at the time? How did he feel about himself? How does he feel about himself now?
Imagine for a moment that YOU were the one who had the affair and your husband found out. How would you hope he would react?
It's a conversation worth having before you do anything drastic.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 15:35

Offered on a plate? Are you kidding me?

Op, if she’s hassling him it would indicate there is way more to this than a few hook ups over ten years.

Do you know what she was saying in those messages? And why she was contacting him?

Swashbuckled · 26/01/2021 15:44

Hi OP. I think he could well continue to see her after all this has blown over. I also think it’s a possibility that he has had several other flings given his contact with her has been so intermittent. If he had only been seeing her, then she is like his mistress. It’s possible he might be the sort who needs to have an affair behind his mistress’s back too, or at least a series of regular random encounters with others. It may just be that this is the only affair you’ve found evidence of. I say this only because I know someone for whom this was true. Perhaps he also writes to her from another email account but shows only her unanswered emails to you.

He knows you won’t go because you want the lifestyle. That gives him freedom to do this again and again. But others have made good points about splitting assets which would include his pension and any business he has.

I also think that he likely wants to keep the lifestyle too. With his assets halved, he won’t any longer have his house and everything else that he has now. Is he a vain sort? Would he feel humiliated to have to move into a smaller property or to a cheaper area?

I too would like to hear more about him and his lifestyle, including his financial status. Would half of his assets give you a decent amount?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/01/2021 15:45

He doesn't sound like he's particularly sorry for what he did, just annoyed at you for finding out. Ten years is a long time, not a ONS that he genuinely regrets.

He may well be embarrassed, but tough. He should have thought about that every time he texted, spoke to her, or met up with her.

OP a halfway house that I'd recommend is a temporary separation. Give yourself time and space to think without having to look at him every day. And his reaction to that idea will tell you a lot too, and give you food for thought.

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:55

@jusstme

Some days he seems remorseful, other days he doesn't. On the days he doesn't show any remorse I feel all the emotions I had when I first found out.
What does he say/ do when he does seem remorseful?

Do you think he really understands how you feel?

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:59

The fact that he is still with you and made no attempt to set up a new life with this other person shows where his priorities lie.

Not necessarily.

It might be that there were practical reasons stopping him from being with OW on her end (e.g., she was married or had children). It might be that he is comfortable at home and just cba to make a big change for either of the woman he is involved with.

It might be that he is a narcissist and incapable of really "loving" anyone in the way that we might understand it.

We just don't know what was going through his head or what he sees as a priority, and whether that is about anyone else or just his own selfish desires. Just because he didn't run away and live with OW doesn't mean he was prioritising his wife.

PinkyParrot · 26/01/2021 16:03

You need to talk and talk and talk. If he is just storming out I can't see things being resolved for a long time.

PietariKontio · 26/01/2021 16:09

I don't buy the whole "It was a mistake" bollocks for a one-off shag, let alone a long-standing affair. His attempts at gaslighting you about its meaning and importance just compound his immorality.

He's damaged your relationship and wants you to be quiet so he doesn't have to face it, and so nothing needs to change for him - I can honestly say, like you thought you would, that a one-off betrayal or a long standing affair would be the end of my marriage.

Forgiveness can do one; I can forgive lying about spending too much money, or forgetting an important event, but bloody unfaithfulness? Not a chance. I've ended a friendship due to a mate of mine cheating on his wife, and he thought I'd support him as his wife was upset with him!

My advice, for what it's worth, is dump him and go be happy, whether eventually with someone more deserving of you, or alone, but with pride and dignity intact.

moanieleminx · 26/01/2021 16:09

That is a very long, continuous affair.
You need professional mediation.

Good luck OP.

User0ne · 26/01/2021 16:12

I think you should arrange some counselling for yourself to help you decide what you want and you should speak to a solicitor to get some advice in order for it to be an informed decision

I would also confide in a close friend and tell your children. Part of him facing up to what he has done (which is necessary if you stay together) is him not being able to hide his dirty little secret.

bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 26/01/2021 16:21

shove that cheating arsehole out of your life and grab the vodka! Get yourself an Itallian Stallion! Wine Grin

Swashbuckled · 26/01/2021 16:26

Yes, I very much agree with UserOne that you should tell the grown up children. Your friends too. Possibly others. Also tell them that you are in the process of making a difficult decision about how to proceed.

It’s his shame, not yours. If you tell him (and others) you are thinking about your next move and taking legal advice, then this will help you feel empowered. And hopefully he will then feel in limbo for a while.

hellejuice91 · 26/01/2021 16:36

What your Husband did was wrong and is certainly an affair, there is no escaping that.

It does sound though, like you have decided to stay with him. If you have decided to stay, your actions are saying that you have chosen to forgive him. If that is not the case and you really can't forgive him you should move on.

The knowledge of what happened is still fairly fresh, so there may still be some lingering questions which is fair. If after a couple of months more you still feel the need to discuss regularly/think about it a lot/are still hurt then you are probably not going to be in a place where you can forgive, potentially forever. There is nothing wrong with that.

If you come to the conclusion that you cannot forgive him however it is unfair on both of you to stay in that situation.

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 16:37

@Swashbuckled

Yes, I very much agree with UserOne that you should tell the grown up children. Your friends too. Possibly others. Also tell them that you are in the process of making a difficult decision about how to proceed.

It’s his shame, not yours. If you tell him (and others) you are thinking about your next move and taking legal advice, then this will help you feel empowered. And hopefully he will then feel in limbo for a while.

Absolutely.

Even if you don't want to leave him, you deserve validation through talking with your family and friends about what has happened.

AnitaB888 · 26/01/2021 16:41

"The fact that he is still with you and made no attempt to set up a new life with this other person shows where his priorities lie"

Is not correct in my experience.

We were both working f/t when my husband cheated on me ( in fact I earned more than he did). I had 2 pensions in my own right.
We had no dependent children.

Therefore there was no financial or practical reason that he couldn't just walk out of the door except that his affair partner was also married (with no children).

It seems they had reached a 'standoff' and neither wanted to leave first.

Maybe this is the case here?

YoniAndGuy · 26/01/2021 16:42
Shock

A ten year affair?

And he isn't actually that bothered and a bit irritated that you won't just shut up about it?

It shouldn't just be your head saying leave, it should be your heart too.

As for starting again... that implies that you'd want to bust a gut getting back to this point with some different man... why bother?

Leave him. Split the assets, a good lawyer will get you more as you gave up your career for the kids. He gets the option of working harder and retiring later! Buy yourself a fab little cosy place with just enough room to have the kids to stay, enjoy friendships, maybe relationships, and being close to your kids and their families. Relish not having to lift a finger ever again to service his life, and laugh as you imagine him sitting on his own shifting for himself and wondering what the fuck happened. Oh and his lady love probably won't want to pick up the job of cooking and washing for him when reality bites, I assure you - even if they initially 'get together'.

Fuck him off. You might as well do it now as I guarantee you that after a year or so of feeling like this, you will hate him so much you won't even be able to look at him anyway.