Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

[jusstme]

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

[rainyskylight]

Lot of people saying here that you should leave but I don’t necessarily agree.
The marriage has been a long one and - before you found out - it was happy. You have been together most of your lives, raised children, had a stable home. Facing the rest of your life without all this is huge.

The affair is utterly shit but it could be possible for you both to get past it. Your husband clearly does not want you to leave. He doesn’t want the marriage to fall apart. He doesn’t want the other woman over you. In his head, it’s not a real affair because it wasn’t regular and no strong feelings were involved. It sounds like maybe they had chemistry and the sex and emails were a distraction or escapism from life.

Clearly and understandably you can’t get over his being unfaithful and undermining your strong and happy relationship. He’s likely minimising it because he doesn’t want it to be a big thing - doesn’t want this to get out of control. The boat has been rocked and he really doesn’t want to face the storm rather than pretend all is ok. Probably because he feels massively shit for having done this and can quite frankly see how utterly awful it would be if the marriage ends because of this - and he would have to face up to the fact that it would be his stupid fault.

But it sounds like in order for you to move on you will have to talk about it a lot. Can you insist on couples therapy? So you can learn to forgive (you said that in your heart you want to stay) and he can see your perspective (and grovel)? And maybe you will learn things about him? (I say this because you’re not too far off my father’s age and that generation of men can be quite tight lipped about their feelings). If you both want the marriage to survive you will have to go through the shit storm together and work it out. He needs to understand that this is not going to go away and you absolutely need to work through it and process it in order for you both to go on. X

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

@jusstme

I’m getting out of a long term marriage for different reasons but I’m only a few years younger than you. I was also a SAHM.

It is indeed VERY possible to leave, and not having young children makes it all the easier.

I truly believe that knowledge is power, especially at the point you’re at.

See a lawyer. If you can gather up enough financial info, all the better. Then you’ll have the comfort of knowing what you’ll roughly end up with if you decide to split.

See a counsellor. Chat to one or two over the phone first to see if you click. My first one sadly retired, but I’ve found another one... both are women, and in their 50s/ 60s. I’ve found them the easiest to relate to. You can work through your feelings with them. I found it hugely helpful to really explore my emotions as I knew that once I’d made the decision, there was no going back.

Have you spoken to your children? I would think you’d get huge support from them, too.

[Belinda554]

Leave the fucker and embrace a new life!

[wildraisins]

So sorry to hear that OP. Your husband sounds like a - well I have some choice words that I will not say on here!

I love that he thinks is wasn't an affair because they "only" had sex 6 or 7 times. I mean, wtf?! He cheated on you. At this point who cares about the specifics of defining the word "affair"?

Do you children know about what he did? I wonder if it's worth letting them know. You might agree to stay with your husband for comfort and security, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't get any kind of comeuppance.

It does seem like it would be a sad life staying with him after this though - you obviously don't trust him and are extremely hurt, and he is being quite callous about it in telling you that you need to move on. That is awful.

[MrsSmith2021]

Well that definitely IS and affair and you are definitely right to feel how you feel. Sounds like he wants to pooh pooh it because he is quite comfortable in his life and thinks making you out tk be a fool is the answer. He is disrespectful and not even sorry for what he did! Get rid of those horrible man!!

[Roselilly36]

So sorry OP. I think a lot of the responses aren’t necessarily from women that have been in long marriages. I can see why you feel torn.

Do your grown up children know about your husbands affair? I would presume not. If so, why are you protecting him? Out of loyalty?, he has not shown you the same respect. If you do decide you want him to leave your children will find out why, and may be upset that they couldn’t support you during this time.

The affair is longstanding, he was unfaithful to you emotionally & physically during this time, he doesn’t decide whether you should get over it or not, that is a decision for you. No one else’s opinion matters, this is your life.

Have you have any counselling or support IRL, it may help to talk through your feelings and help you come to a decision.

If your concerns are financial, see a solicitor, just for some advice, I am sure they could resolve any concerns you may have about finances.

Think carefully about what you want, no one has any right to tell you to leave him or not, that is your decision, what someone else would do in the circumstances may not be right for you.

You need to weigh up whether it will cost you more emotionally to stay than to break up the marriage. What anyone else would choose is of no consequence. Do what’s right for you.

I wish you all the very best for the future OP & I am sorry you are in this upsetting situation.

[Bluntness100]

I also agree leaving him isn’t necessarily the right thing.

The op is a house wife. She has not worked most of her adult life. And is used to him providing for her. To such an extent she fails to talk about how there marriage is but tells us only he’s a good provider, so this is the critical point to her.

Lots of people in this scenario will stay for the lifestyle. They don’t want to be living alone and financially responsible for themselves. It might not be easy to admit, but it is understandable to a degree.

It seems he feels she’s not going anywhere. From her posts I’d be inclined to agree, so telling her to leave, is fairly pointless, if there is zero chance she would do that.

If this is the case, then thr best advice is talk it out and put it behind you and as he said get on with your lives.

[ThePoetsWife]

A TEN years affair!!

He's not showing any love, care or remorse.

He isn't fighting to save his marriage.

Expects you to shut up and put up.

Fuck him and dump his arrogant, cheating arse.

You will be fine OP x

[Bluntness100]

If so, why are you protecting him

Usually when women don’t tell it’s because they are protecting themselves not the cheat. They don’t want people to know, even their own kids, as it is more humiliating to them stay.

[SunshineCake]

For fucks sake, read all the OPs posts before you post. You are asking questions the OP has answered.

@jusstme I have sent you a PM.

[jusstme]

It started in 2010-2011 and ended after I discovered the emails, they were in touch with each other till Oct 2020

[TwinkleStar88]

@jusstme - He been deceitful for nearly 10 years, he only confessed because you found the emails. Is this somebody you want to carry on sharing your life with, asking you to just get on with your life and forget it’s happened is unforgivable. OP leave him, chances are he’ll do it again too.

[AnitaB888]

As I see it you are married to a man who isn't sorry for what he did and is 'minimising' and trying to brush it all under the carpet'. He doesn't want to give up all his 'home comforts'.

This is entitlement, selfishness and lack of empathy +++.

You have no dependent children so I can't see any reason to stay married to him, but only you can make that decision.

You are not too old to make a fresh start.

[helpmum2003]

OP this must be very raw still. You don't need to rush to reach to make any decisions. Tell your husband you need time. He is minimising what he has done.

Use this time to get copies if all financial paperwork and go and see a solicitor to see what your position would be if you decided to diviorce.

Personally I would find a 10 year affair difficult to forgive.

[TheLetterZ]

Do you children know? What would his reaction be if you told them, surely he couldn’t object as it “wasn’t an affair” so not a big deal.

He really is counting on you just shutting up and getting in with it.

59 is very daunting to be starting again but then 65 would be worse when you find he has either continued with the not-affair or found someone else.

Have a good look at your finances, is your house paid off? If so and it is the family home you might be able to afford somewhere much smaller with no mortgage. Then managing bills etc is much easier. You are due half his pension as well and possibly some spousal support as you were a SAH for a long time.

You will be able to set yourself up and enjoy life again.

[Bourbonic]

I think potentially it's very early days for you to know exactly what you want to do. However, your husband has no right to take that attitude with you. He should be remorseful and supportive of you working through it to reach whatever outcome you decide is best for you.

I'd find it difficult to believe that 10 years of contact had just stopped. Sorry.

Have you considered having this moved to Relationships OP? You'll get much better, more rounded advice there.

[Bluntness100]

He doesn't want to give up all his 'home comforts'

Actually I think that could be said of the op.

However, your husband has no right to take that attitude with you. He should be remorseful and supportive of you working through it to reach whatever outcome you decide is best for you

What if he already knows the outcome and so does she? What if he is ok with thr marriage ending and she’s not?

[Emeraldshamrock]

Thanks for the update what an absolute pig.
Take some time out for yourself.
I'd email the OW DH.

[grannyinapram]

10 years of lying to you? please god take what you can and leave him. even if you have to play the long game and hide bits and bobs.
I am so so so sorry for you
this is my worst nightmare and you're living it

at least you have hundreds of women on here to talk to when you're feeling aline and he's trying to make out you're being a bitch for being upset.

[bluelemming]

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to discover. You have two choices: the first is to change nothing. You stay in your home, you carry on as you are with the same lifestyle, routine etc. This is by far the easiest choice and there's nothing wrong with doing that.

The problem with that though is that gradually your self esteem and self respect may erode. And that's not a great place to be.

The second choice is to leave, with all the unknowns but ultimately rewards this will bring.

I wish you loads of luck OP.

[gingerbiscuits]

Kids are grown but your life is far from over - kick him out & move on - don't stay because it's easy.

[Bluntness100]

@bluelemming

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to discover. You have two choices: the first is to change nothing. You stay in your home, you carry on as you are with the same lifestyle, routine etc. This is by far the easiest choice and there's nothing wrong with doing that.

The problem with that though is that gradually your self esteem and self respect may erode. And that's not a great place to be.

The second choice is to leave, with all the unknowns but ultimately rewards this will bring.

I wish you loads of luck OP.

Agree

It’s really a decision between dignity and self preservation. Neither is an easy option.

If you stay then you’re admitting to yourself that you’re scared to go it alone and want the lifestyle he provides. And you’re admitting it to yourself and to him. So your self esteem ans self respect starts to erode from the get go, in your own eyes and his. Because you both know the score, and you know he knows why you stayed.

If you go, then you maintain your dignity, but it’s a huge immediate change, and a scarey future. Being alone at nearly sixty. A friend of mine divorced at this age and it’s hard.

If you can shrug it off ans not think about it, then staying is by far the easier option. If you can’t them leaving is by far the easiest long term option. Staying and not getting past it, is the worst case scenario.

But I don’t think the op is seriously even considering leaving. And he knows it. There is no “I love him so much, I can’t imagine life without him” stuff. There is none of that going on here.

[30mph]

You need practical information so you can make informed choices, whether that is to stay or leave. You could have another 30yrs (or more), how do you envision that..?

It is a certainty that he has/had his own agenda. You finding out about the affair has probably put a spanner in the works for him. He is trying to press 're-set' on you until it suits him otherwise.

Consult a SHL. Discretely. Find out the facts about what you can expect if you divorce. I suspect it is far more than you think. Do you have access to all the financial information?

Don't keep his deception and betrayal a secret from your children. He is relying on that (how dare he). They are adults.

[Highfivemum]

I am so sorry. How truly awful for you to now know that the last ten years has been a lie.
You need time to consider you options. He is being inreasonable to expect you to just move on.
Sending a hand hold to you in this difficult time.

[VestaTilley]

Of course it was an affair. He sounds like he’s gas lighting you and being abusive, frankly.

You should leave and make sure you get plenty of financial support. Consult a good solicitor.