Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

[jusstme]

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

[wildraisins]

@hellejuice91

What your Husband did was wrong and is certainly an affair, there is no escaping that.

It does sound though, like you have decided to stay with him. If you have decided to stay, your actions are saying that you have chosen to forgive him. If that is not the case and you really can't forgive him you should move on.

The knowledge of what happened is still fairly fresh, so there may still be some lingering questions which is fair. If after a couple of months more you still feel the need to discuss regularly/think about it a lot/are still hurt then you are probably not going to be in a place where you can forgive, potentially forever. There is nothing wrong with that.

If you come to the conclusion that you cannot forgive him however it is unfair on both of you to stay in that situation.

So I don't think this is intended as victim blaming but it kind of is.

OP rightfully feels pretty damn hurt by her husband's affair, and isn't sure if she can ever forgive him. But if she leaves him she will have to overhaul her entire life, probably give up all kinds of comforts and security that she is used to, not to mention having someone else in the house who is familiar and a pretty stable presence, albeit a bit of a d*ck.

OP is absolutely between a rock and a hard place here. I don't agree with your comment that she is in some way treating him unfairly if she is struggling with forgiveness but still wants to stay with him, because leaving is too scary.

Nothing OP can do at this point would be unfair to her husband, who, honestly, deserves whatever he has coming to him.

[PinkyParrot]

Yes, speak to a solicitor so that you know what the future would be financially if you split. So you know where you might live, perhaps near adult DCs? What you will do if you look for work.
Much easier to properly discuss a future with him if you have a plan for a future without him. Not so easy if that options is a scary unknown.

[PinkyParrot]

The knowledge of what happened is still fairly fresh, so there may still be some lingering questions which is fair.

FFS fair???????? A 10 year affair despite a marriage of 37 years - fair would be running him over as he approaches the front door tonight not lingering bluddy questions.

[Pinkfreesias]

What an awful man. 'We only had sex half a dozen times; it would've been more but for logistics." Ugh.

If you're still agonising over it numerous years later, I think it is safe to say you're unlikely to find any peace. Do you want him to move out? Do you have all your finances in order?

[toocold54]

No one can have a 10 year affair without having some serious feelings for the OW this was more than just sex.

If it was me I would leave him before he got a chance to leave me as that’s what’s going to happen.

[londonscalling]

@YoniAndGuy

A ten year affair?

And he isn't actually that bothered and a bit irritated that you won't just shut up about it?

It shouldn't just be your head saying leave, it should be your heart too.

As for starting again... that implies that you'd want to bust a gut getting back to this point with some different man... why bother?

Leave him. Split the assets, a good lawyer will get you more as you gave up your career for the kids. He gets the option of working harder and retiring later! Buy yourself a fab little cosy place with just enough room to have the kids to stay, enjoy friendships, maybe relationships, and being close to your kids and their families. Relish not having to lift a finger ever again to service his life, and laugh as you imagine him sitting on his own shifting for himself and wondering what the fuck happened. Oh and his lady love probably won't want to pick up the job of cooking and washing for him when reality bites, I assure you - even if they initially 'get together'.

Fuck him off. You might as well do it now as I guarantee you that after a year or so of feeling like this, you will hate him so much you won't even be able to look at him anyway.

This!

Sadly he has no respect for you or your feelings.

Basically he's told you that if they lived closer he'd have slept with her even more.

He's not prepared to talk about what's happened.

Who does he think he is?

There are no repercussions for him!

I'd be telling your adult children that you're kicking him out and the reason why!

Be strong. Given time you'll be happier on your own than still living in this nightmare situation.

[Oversize]

I agree but the trouble is that legally you can't just kick someone out of a house they co own. You can't change the locks either. Emotionally, the OP has not had time to process the shock. She's got to come to terms with the idea that a man she thought she knew is someone totally different. That's a massively difficult thing to do immediately. OP if you're still reading, please get the Chumplady book. It really helps with untangling things in a very practical and down to earth way.

[Nanette21]

The OP has not stated that she wants help to leave. Judging by the comments I suspect many who are suggesting this are in totally different situations and probably much younger.

His response is worrying. He should be doing all he can to support you through this and you cannot be expected to just get over it.

You don’t need to make any decisions yet jusstme Live in the moment and forget about the stay/go decision, it can wait and time will hopefully help you to decide what’s right for you.

Focus on you and get some counselling if you can xx

[VegemiteIsToasty]

@jusstme

Yes he did. But she still keeps trying to contact him, He shows me all the emails and texts. I asked him not to block her so I could see any attempt to get in touch with him, she is now blocked though, she was getting abusive in her messages.

I’m sorry OP but you are completely delusional if you believe they only had sex “6-7 times” as you say, over a 10 year period if she is now continually contacting him.

No woman would invest emotional energy into a 10 year liaison and be upset that it has apparently ended (for now), for having sex 6-7 times. He saw her for sex, unless he can’t get it up as a general rule and did a Bill Clinton and only counts full intercourse as “sex”, then of course they slept with each other a lot.

Is she younger than him and how old are her kids? Could any be his?

[Bluntness100]

I agree, no one continually contacts someone and gets abusive over having sex a handful of times over ten years. I mean what would she be messaging, “how dare you not pull out of our annual shag” There is clearly much, much more to it. The two sides don’t tie together. I’m not totally buying he’s showing the op all the messages either, that doesn’t really tie with someone who doesn’t really wish to discuss it.

You’d only (and rarely, I mean who the fuck gets abusive because someone ends it) react badly if this was a much deeper relationship and promises made.

However as a pp said, the op isn’t asking for advice or help to leave. She’s asking for advice on how to deal with the negative emotions she feels because he’s not particularly remorseful.

[VegemiteIsToasty]

@Bluntness100

I agree, no one continually contacts someone and gets abusive over having sex a handful of times over ten years. I mean what would she be messaging, “how dare you not pull out of our annual shag” There is clearly much, much more to it. The two sides don’t tie together. I’m not totally buying he’s showing the op all the messages either, that doesn’t really tie with someone who doesn’t really wish to discuss it.

You’d only (and rarely, I mean who the fuck gets abusive because someone ends it) react badly if this was a much deeper relationship and promises made.

However as a pp said, the op isn’t asking for advice or help to leave. She’s asking for advice on how to deal with the negative emotions she feels because he’s not particularly remorseful.

Yeah and I think the only way for her to deal in a HEALTHY manner with all the negative emotions is if he was genuinely remorseful (not because he got discovered, but because he wished he hadn’t done it), and they were able to discuss it together and probably with counseling.

So because he’s the opposite of remorseful, this can’t end happily for the OP, she either stays with him and does her best to pretend it never happened while feeling shit about it all, or she leaves him and she doesn’t want to do that. So there’s no happy outcome for her.

[Eleganz]

OP, it is okay to feel like this is an unforgivable betrayal. It is also okay to actually accept that your husband is an independent adult who is responsible for his own choices including his behaviour after the discovery of the affair. If he does not want to properly reconcile then all you can do is respond to that indifference either by accepting it or moving on. What you need to do is make sure your choices are ones that you can accept rather than resent.

[Bluntness100]

Yeah and I think the only way for her to deal in a HEALTHY manner with all the negative emotions is if he was genuinely remorseful (not because he got discovered, but because he wished he hadn’t done it), and they were able to discuss it together and probably with counseling

Agree. Otherwise you loose dignity by staying and your self esteem quickly follows. And he’s not remorseful. It’s not like he is sitting begging her to stay, crying, saying he loved her etc. And you say well he was so so upset and begged me To stay so I gave him another chance, He’s basically telling her to shut it and get on with it. So she’s now in thr position of saying well he had a ten year affair, didn’t regret it, and I stayed anyway because I want the lifestyle and don’t want to go it alone.

She doesn’t want to leave, and that’s understandable, so she really needs to just accept it and do as he asks. As horrific and damaging as it is.

[MegaClutterSlut]

He's not even one bit sorry, he needs to answer each and every question you have but he can't even do that, there's no remorse at all, that would kill the marriage dead for me. I also couldn't forgive an affair, let alone a 10 year long one no matter how long or happy I thought my marriage was, it was based on lies. To repeatedly go behind your back like that, fuck that you deserve better

[AnitaB888]

Oversize,
"I agree but the trouble is that legally you can't just kick someone out of a house they co own. "

Yes you can, and that was how I got my ex to leave,

"Adultery
You must prove that your spouse has had sexual intercourse with another person of the opposite sex and that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse."

But no. you cannot change the locks, and the cheating spouse must have reasonable access to the property.

[Landofthefree]

A 10 year affair is not just a minor indiscretion, it’s a long term relationship. @jusstme you must feel like the life you thought you had has been completely destroyed.

You need to stop discussing the details of the affair with your husband and start talking to everyone else who cares about you. Tell your children, family and friends because they will be supportive and you will get the kindness that you need right now. Get counselling for yourself to find the strength to end the marriage or decide to ‘get over it’ and stay.

You need to face up to the fact that your husband has lied and is still lying about what has happened. He is telling you the minimum that he can get away with. It is also quite likely that he has already got legal advice about divorce. You will need to start preparing yourself either for single life on your own or staying in a marriage with a man who cheats in order to keep your lifestyle. Neither choice will be easy but divorce will allow you to keep your self respect and be better for your mental wellbeing.

[Clarinet1]

Leaving aside the actual affair here, OP, horrifying as that is, do you want to stay with a man who is so unwilling to show understanding for any issue you may be struggling with? What if you were seriously ill for instance? Would he support you then?
As PP have said he does not seem to want to make any effort and it does take two to make a marriage work but only one to wreck it.
If you married at 22 (by my calculations) you have not had much experience of being on your own but, trust me, it is possible to not just survive but thrive.

[AryaStarkWolf]

He's had a 10 year affair??? and he's claiming it wasn't an affair at all? He doesn't even sound sorry, how can you ever trust him again when he's been lying to you for a whole decade? I know it's hard to leave when you spent so long together but remember for at least a quarter of that time he's been lying to you and cheating on you

[Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst]

So the title to the thread is

"I can't come to terms with my husbands affair"

You deserve better and furthermore if you "can't come to terms" with it why are you still with him???????

[Marley20]

So he's been cheating for 10 years! They may have only net a handful of times but they've obviously been in contact that whole time. I'm so sorry, he's a complete wanker. Ten years! I really can't see how anyone could stay with someone who would do this. It's so shit, can you imagine lying to someone for that long. Then he has the temerity to tell you to get over it. Take him to the cleaners love.

[MzHz]

Wow 10 years

That’s a huge betrayal

You say you can’t get over this.

Love, you don’t have to. Many can’t and don’t

What you do need to do is work out ALL your options

So find out what your situation would be if you divorced him, it’ll help if you know your future is secure.

[LadyEloise]

Do your children know @jusstme ?

[jusstme]

Yes, I told them just after Christmas, they were devastated and hurt, knowing their Dad had done this too me.

[jusstme]

Out of all the replies yours is the one that really got to me. I can relate to all you said.

[LadyEloise]

@jusstme
Will your children support you if you decide to leave ?