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Original poster

Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

179 replies

jusstme · 25/01/2021 18:17

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 25/01/2021 20:04

Always said I would leave if a man cheated on me, it's so different and difficult when it does happen.

If it happened once I may forgive him and put it down as a silly mistake.
But I couldn’t forgive and forget when it happened so many times and he knew full well each time it happened how it would impact you and how he could risk loosing you.

It sounds like he only stopped because he got caught which is even worse!

Trumplosttheelection · 25/01/2021 20:07

10 year affair or 1 year over for nearly 10?

luckylavender · 25/01/2021 20:10

he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up,

That's what jumped out to me.

ChocolateSantaisthebestkind · 25/01/2021 20:15

OP, please leave him if that's what you want to do. With a good lawyer you could get 50%+ of the assets, because you helped him to have his career. He does not deserve to be so complacent as to say you should forget about it! Angry

Wishitsnows · 25/01/2021 20:19

You would be happier if you left.

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:20

did I misunderstand this ?

he had a TEN year affair ... Confused

you found out in October 2020 and he expects You to.. just get over it ? 🤔

Lady ... please... pack his bags and drop them at her door 🌺

Theowawaynow · 25/01/2021 20:31

Follow your head, your heart will follow eventually. Unreliable fuckers are hearts, don’t listen to them.

MsDogLady · 25/01/2021 20:36

You wrote about this in December. I’m sorry that you’ve had this crushing blow.

The affair lasted 10 years, as they were still in contact as of October when you found out. You said he ‘lied through his teeth’ and you had to piece together information from SM. He said OW meant nothing and that he was only looking for ‘a bit of excitement,’ which is ludicrous. If his affair lasted 10 long years, and would’ve continued, OW meant something.

I don’t buy that he is truly remorseful. He is displaying the same selfishness and sense of entitlement that he did during his long-term infidelity. He wasn’t forthcoming after discovery and he is still minimizing. Even now, a mere 3 months later, he dismisses your feelings and wants you to shut up about it. He storms off or turns up the tv volume when you need to ask questions? How contemptuous. He doesn’t get to decide what you need to heal or how long. It can take 2-5 years to recover trust, and that is under optimal conditions where the cheater makes a massive effort.

I hope by now you have told family/friends. You need the support and you certainly should not protect him and his unethical behavior. I would advise seeking individual counseling to help you move through the grieving process and make the best decisions for yourself. Personally, I know I wouldn’t be able to continue in such an emotionally unsafe environment with such a cruel, unempathetic man. Flowers

Oversize · 25/01/2021 20:40

Get yourself the Chumplady book 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life'. It's on Audible too and it's read so well. It'll help you get a sense of it all.

Emeraldshamrock · 25/01/2021 20:48

@BlueThistles It is not clear my take is OP discovered the affair last year, as they had sex 6/7 times. Hopefully OP will come back to clarify. Smile

maddening · 25/01/2021 20:55

So he started the affair in 2010 and you discovered it in 2020- has the affair ended and if so when?

S111n20 · 25/01/2021 21:00

You would be happier if you got rid of the cheating arsehole.

MsDogLady · 25/01/2021 21:01

In her other thread, OP stated the affair was still going on when she discovered it last October. She believes he is no longer in contact with OW.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 25/01/2021 21:04

Firstly I'm so sorry he's done this

You dont have to learn to live with it if you don't want too

From my experience with 2 exes forgiving an affair gives them a green light to do it again as you've forgiven him once before

Be the better person and dump him and move on to find happiness without a cheater and liar, you deserve so much better

Be kind to yourself

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 25/01/2021 21:21

This may sound harsh but I really don't mean it to....you have two choices you leave and don't look back....or you stay, talk things through and put it behind you, without bringing it up in future rows etc.

If you don't feel you can do the latter then you really do need to leave, by staying and not moving past it will only cause you more heartache and headache. You will probably find that by keeping on at P it will probably wind him up and make him feel justified in his actions because you are so mean etc etc (we know thats a load of shite but it will be how he spins it to people).

I hope things get better for you soon.

SummerWhisper · 25/01/2021 21:35

Make a practice decision tonight, or tomorrow. Tell yourself that you are leaving. Sleep on it. If it's the wrong decision then so be it. However, he clearly doesn't put you or his family first; he could have compromised your sexual health - he doesn't care. As long as he was getting his end away he was happy, so you need to shut up as far as he's concerned. He's a pig of a man.

thebestnamehere · 25/01/2021 21:40

@Royalbloo

"Oh, my Willy only fell into her 6-7 times because she was too far away to do it more often!!"

Fucking hell he's awful!

They always underplay it dont they...?
Emeraldshamrock · 25/01/2021 22:01

If it has been going on since 2010 don't give leaving him a second thought.
He'd be leaving actually or home life would be like the war of the roses movie.

Hawkins001 · 25/01/2021 22:02

Not sure what to advise, op, although all the best

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 22:04

Op, if you want to stay for the lifestyle then just own it. It’s ok you know.

It’s not an easy road, but you’re clearly not the first to do it.

Firevixen · 25/01/2021 22:21

The thing that strikes me, is how he has been treating you since you found out. He needs to realise that he may have had the affair years ago, but to you it has only just happened, and of course you are devastated!

He should be apologising to you and doing anything he can to reassure you and regain your trust. Instead he is just telling you to shut up and go away. That's not love.

Eekay · 25/01/2021 22:21

I'm really sorry you've had the rug pulled out from under you.
His complete dismissal of your feelings is almost as bad as the infidelity.
You don't have to put up with this ill treatment.
He had an affair and carried on allowing you to love him and care for his home and family for a decade afterwards, totally unaware.
And now you're not allowed to be upset.

NotStayingIn · 25/01/2021 22:56

I'm starting to think most men know their wives will stay, so their thinking seems to be 'well if you are going to stay anyway, you might as well forget all about it now.'

I would say if you think you will not be able to forgive this, leave asap. Don't put yourself through this. You have every right to be fucking fuming, so I would rather dump his sorry ass and be fuming, then be told to stop thinking about it. sod that

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 23:02

@NotStayingIn

I'm starting to think most men know their wives will stay, so their thinking seems to be 'well if you are going to stay anyway, you might as well forget all about it now.'

I would say if you think you will not be able to forgive this, leave asap. Don't put yourself through this. You have every right to be fucking fuming, so I would rather dump his sorry ass and be fuming, then be told to stop thinking about it. sod that

I don’t think most men know this at all. Most women I know would be out. But they work, are financially independent and don’t take any shit.

Women only tend to stay for financial reasons. If you’re on your feet and financially independent and don’t need his money, then going is easier.

BenoneBeauty · 25/01/2021 23:20

So sorry Op - he's not trying to save your marriage at all and is so dismissive of your feelings that I'm not sure how you move past that.