Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

[jusstme]

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

[1FootInTheRave]

I hope you can gather up enough self respect to get rid.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Can you even trust that this was the only person? The only time? The thought that had you not found it you wouldn't ever have known.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

You posted about this last month? I'm sure I've read this.

[impostersong]

He was having an affair for over 10 years!! And then seems to be trying to make out like it's no big deal and you're over reacting?! If he thinks that's no big deal what else has he done? I can't see anyway back from that. He's totally destroyed any hope of trusting him. So sorry op

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

@impostersong

He was having an affair for over 10 years!! And then seems to be trying to make out like it's no big deal and you're over reacting?! If he thinks that's no big deal what else has he done? I can't see anyway back from that. He's totally destroyed any hope of trusting him. So sorry op

Ten years ago

For one year.

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

Bloody hell OP the way he was talking I thought you were going to say it was a few years ago, he has done all he can to try and build up the trust etc and you are still punishing him for it. But you've only found out 3 months ago, that's a matter of weeks. And he expects you just to forget about a long affair and betrayal of a decades long marriage in a matter of weeks? Is he even sorry? Has he tried to make amends? I'm sorry OP I think for your own sanity and self respect you dont have any option but to end things. It sounds like he doesn't care about you or the marriage

[WeAreShiningStars]

See a good lawyer. You might be happier on your own and you'll likely be entitled to at least half of everything the two of you have together.

[Dumbie]

You can talk about as long as you are tortured by it! He caused this, not you. It is an affair, completely! I suspect the OW husband would agree with you

So sorry OP. What a horrid horrid breach of your trust.

[FlapAttack23]

Get rid. Him saying it’s not an affair is as bad as the actual affair and would be the last straw for me even if the affair itself wasn’t. Disgusting behaviour

[Mamagotskills]

This must be so difficult to live with, and he seems to be minimising. When did it end? Do you have real life support?

[PlinkPlink]

Nice. Minimising his behaviour and also blaming you... what an inconvenience you keep bringing this up.

Fuck him off right now. Seriously. Hes not even a bit remorseful for what he has done... he is literally showing you he does not care about you or your feelings.

A one off shag is unforgivable... but potentially something you could move past. 6 or 7 times is a full blown affair and is not forgivable.

Please don't stay with him. If you stay, you are literally giving him the green light to do this again and again and again...

[LouiseTrees]

I’d be talking to the other woman’s husband about it.

[jusstme]

Always said I would leave if a man cheated on me, it's so different and difficult when it does happen. I don't work, always been a stay at home mum, which I loved, he has always been a god provider, always worked. It's a scary thought starting again at my age, I'm 59. I feel like I want to scream and shout at him most of the time, or question him further, but he either storms off or turns the volume up on the TV. I discovered the affair Oct 2020.

[Emeraldshamrock]

That is awful especially trusting him with your all thinking he would never do it.
None of use ever know. I couldn't forgive him either.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Do you want to leave?

Do your children know?

[Sceptre86]

You found out about the affair last year but it started in 2010. When did it end? You mentioned that their shared workplace shut in 2011 but they continued beyond this?

You only found out a few months ago, give yourself some slack. He is being dickish but evidently he is accustomed to that kind of behaviour. Would you consider some time apart to evaluate your life and whether there is any coming back from this for you? To be honest his minimising his behaviour is a big red flag as he doesn't appear to be taking any responsibility for lying, hurting or humiliating you. I do not think I would want to continue in such a relationship but you know him so think on it x

[jusstme]

Yes, I did, still coming to terms with it all. Still undecided. I'm in turmoil. Heart says stay, head says leave and never look back.

[MatildaTheCat]

He’s not trying very hard to save your marriage is he? That would be such a dealbreaker for me. I know a couple who were in a very, very similar situation but he was absolutely desperate to save the marriage. That was a long time ago now and they are very happy.

I think you need to lay down some conditions which include couples counselling. Take back control of this. He’s trying to shut you up and you can’t let him, you’ll never get over it.

[newtb]

OP, I've just finalised my divorce in France. I got screwed, but I'm free. It took 3 years from separation, and I left finally after 40 years.

It can be done. If nothing else, you can always go via Wikivorce.

[Emeraldshamrock]

How long did the affair go on? Can you remember what was happening during that time of your life? Was it a happy time?
If it was over in 2011 I'd be in two minds, though he kept their messages.

[Oreservoir]

I think you need to explore your options op.
You don’t need to make any decisions about your future just yet but hopefully you’re going to be around for more than 25 years and potentially spending most of that time with a man who continues to see nothing wrong with his treatment of you.

[DeciduousPerennial]

In his head an affair that has spanned over a quarter of your long marriage can just be brushed aside because he only had the opportunity to actually sleep with her 6 or 7 times?

Firstly, he’s basically said he’d have done it more often if he could have. Secondly, ask him when you should tell your grown children what he’s done if it’s so unimportant: watch him either blow up in rage or shrivel in horror at the thought.

He doesn’t get to tell you how you deal with this.

What do YOU want?

[SnoozyBoozy]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Can you even trust that this was the only person? The only time? The thought that had you not found it you wouldn't ever have known.

This would be my question too. You only found out about this because you happened upon some emails, he didn't choose to share the information with you. Which would make me wonder how many others he's choosing not to talk to you about.

You're only 59. Do you want to spend the next 39 or whatever years resenting this man who not only trampled all over you and your feelings, but doesn't even seem very remoseful about it? What makes you think he won't do it again?

My mother in law has just left her husband, she's mid 60s. It's not easy for her, but she's managing and is happy she has the chance to move on and make her own choices, rather than being beholden to a man who doesn't really care for her.

[ForTheLoveOfWine]

Honestly just leave
Life is to short to be unhappy

[HyacynthBucket]

OP, sympathies. No advice to offer, except to take time and space to work out what you really feel and want, and do whatever you need to feel better. You could do with a break from him while you think things through. Is there anywhere where you could be alone for a few days? Love and a hug.