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Original poster

Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

179 replies

jusstme · 25/01/2021 18:17

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 25/01/2021 23:25

Tell him “there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the arse on the way out.”

SidekickSally · 25/01/2021 23:41

So he decided to end your marriage 10 years ago by having sex with another woman. It wasn’t a one off, he got away with it and continued to have sex with her many times.
You know what your choices are and both of them are extremely tough.
But if you stay because of lifestyle or to maintain that perception of marriage to your children you’ll have to reason with yourself and forge a new existence. This will continue to eat you up.
You could start to look into divorce, see what it entails, start to work a few things out in your head with no commitment yet......take your own sweet time. He’s a fucking bastard.

Indecisive12 · 25/01/2021 23:47

You can not get over an affair in 3 months. I am so sorry OP. How about getting some solo relationship counselling to come to terms with it and make a decision on what YOU want. It must be so hard after so long and with the lockdown. Do not be pressured by this man, he wants you to get over it because it’s easier for him.

Unchartedsea · 26/01/2021 00:30

My initial instinct is to say - leave him. But life and people are more complicated than that.
If you stay then, for your sake, try to make it an active choice rather than a passive acceptance and be clear and confident about the reasons why you choose to stay. You will need support and reach some sort of therapeutic understanding of what’s gone on.
I can recommend listening to esther perel - an amazingly astute relationship therapist. She has a TED talk about infidelity - “rethinking infidelity” accessible on YouTube, and a podcast on couples therapy called “where should we begin?” plus a whole load of other helpful advice/talks/interviews online. I find her just brilliant.

You will also be fine (and very possibly much finer) if you leave him.

midsummabreak · 26/01/2021 01:39

...Sometimes you need time to come to terms with things and can then consider your options

While you consider your next moves if you need time, why not watch some feel good divorce movies like Eat, pray, love and Paris Can wait.

Taikoo · 26/01/2021 01:42

It does sound like you'll stay with him.
What a waste of a woman's life - spent tolerating a complete wanker.

midsummabreak · 26/01/2021 01:43

Hope you are OK Op. Flowers Can you reach out to family and start the conversation with people you can trust. Don’t do this alone

Dopo · 26/01/2021 01:50

If you do stay. Have your own affair.
Then if he gets angry turn the tv up loud.

I'd never have sex with this arseholes again.
If I decided to stay, I'd just go about my life like he was a lodger.

I'd urge you to leave as this is a waste of time and you deserve better. But if you do stay, for God's sake just forget him.

tolerable · 26/01/2021 02:10

he didnt do it to you. remember that.
he did it running concurrent,but..in spite of cos he could ,
you dont have to be together. or forgive him.you do have to realise your worth,what you want now-as an individual unit.if its not him,or hes unable to meet anything in your picture of that .cut your losses.shirley valentine

Original poster
jusstme · 26/01/2021 02:32

It wasn't years ago, it started in 2010-2011 and was still going on till I accidentally came across their emails in October 14th 2020

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 26/01/2021 02:36

this is just awful OP 🌺

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/01/2021 02:45

@WhatsTheEffingPoint

This may sound harsh but I really don't mean it to....you have two choices you leave and don't look back....or you stay, talk things through and put it behind you, without bringing it up in future rows etc.

If you don't feel you can do the latter then you really do need to leave, by staying and not moving past it will only cause you more heartache and headache. You will probably find that by keeping on at P it will probably wind him up and make him feel justified in his actions because you are so mean etc etc (we know thats a load of shite but it will be how he spins it to people).

I hope things get better for you soon.

This is a difficult one to come to terms with. But it is true. Otherwise the betrayal becomes a life sentence for both of you. I think 3 months is relatively early days to Troy to come to terms with what he has done, especially for an affair, which spanned a decade.

Personally, I struggle to see how you get over this. I don’t see how he would be able to just let her go let alone you reconcile your feelings. Ten years is such a long time.

Original poster
jusstme · 26/01/2021 02:51

The affair began in 2010-2011 and was still on going till I accidentally came across their emails in October 2020

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 26/01/2021 02:58

What a pity.

This is Exhibit A for never becoming financially dependent on a man. I don't see how OP could leave even if she wanted to. Splitting marital assets wouldn't leave either with much of a lifestyle.

Try counseling perhaps.

user1471549213 · 26/01/2021 02:58

So he had an ongoing affair for approx 10 years and now he is pissed off with you as you haven't gotten over it in 3 months. Im not sure I could get over this level of betrayal. Good luck OP you deserve better x

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/01/2021 03:06

Thats a long affair then and must of been a shock, do you have anyone on rl who can help you or you can talk to.
Could he stay somewhere for a little while to give you time to think

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/01/2021 03:08

@PerveenMistry well as we don't know assets know way of knowing .
Op would need to talk to a solicitor for that sort of advice and find out what she may be entitled too etc

Classicbrunette · 26/01/2021 03:17

I know a woman who divorced at 59 and had no job. She got 50% of all assets and savings and 50% of his pension. It depends how well off you are of course and how amicable you and your other half is over it all. The initial settlement was enough for her to buy a flat in a reasonable town including bills, with some left over to invest long term towards her pension.

If you think there’s enough money around then see a divorce lawyer, it’s probably a half hour chat over the phone these days for free. Citizens advice will put you in touch with a lawyer. Good luck.

VegemiteIsToasty · 26/01/2021 03:25

So what if you’re 59, why does that mean you can’t boot him out and tell your kids why. Do you want to think when you’re 69 why didn’t I leave him years ago? Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Arobase · 26/01/2021 03:53

If you might divorce based on this adultery, bear in mind there is a 6 month time limit from the date you discovered the adultery for starting divorce proceedings - so you would have to start the divorce by around March.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/01/2021 03:53

You will not "come to terms" with the affair until and unless your husband expresses sincere and genuine remorse for what he did and the pain it has caused you! This isn't the same as saying "I'm sorry it happened but it meant nothing and please stop talking about it".

He is leaving you to deal with this completely on your own and as long as it remains unresolved, it will eat away at you. Perhaps, more than anything else, he is feeling annoyed that you found out about it? An affair is a little less exciting when it is no longer illicit.

Although you said he has always worked and been a good provider, you say little else about your relationship and what he's like as a person. Is he normally kind, respectful, considerate? Or selfish, dismissive and overbearing? I think you need to take a long hard look at who he is as a person and see what kind of marriage you envision having in the future. Go for some counselling on your own at first and see if things start to become a little clearer.

CockSpadget · 26/01/2021 04:04

A 10 year affair is something I don't think anyone would truly get over, what you've also got to think about is how long would it have continued if you hadn't found out? Another 10 years? 20? Your world has been turned upside down, but at 59 you have plenty of life left to live. Don't spend it with a broken heart and suspicious mind, which is what will happen if you stay with him.

randoID · 26/01/2021 05:29

It’s not your place to “ get over “ anything sister.

Girl, all I can say is you must be going through so much right now. And I feel ya. You need to find space and time to work yourself out. Work out where you are at.

Talk to friends? Family? Don’t carry this by yourself. This is not your Shame to carry. Just do what you need to do to feel and heal and don’t rush it. Your feelings are gonna come in waves maybe.

Nothing but love for you sister. Take the time. Lean where you can .heal when it comes. Rage where you need to.

Don’t let his defensiveness or refusal to engage in your experience trick you into thinking you shouldn’t feel a way. You feel how you need to. LET THAT SHIT OUT.

Flowers
Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 05:39

The thing is op, if you’ve no intention of leaving and he knows full well you’re absolutely going no where, then he likely has a point, why go on and drag it out, just get on with your lives.

I think it’s very different if the cheater knows the marriage is at risk and they wish to stay married, then they fight for it. But if they know there is no risk, then the reaction can be very different, like his, where he is saying just stop talking about it and get on with your lives.

Of course you can leave, but if you’ve no intention of doing that, and he knows it, then I’d also recommend just talking it through and putting it behind you, not to be raised again.

Ultimately what’s the stronger feeling, the one of hurt and betrayal or the desire to stay for the lifestyle and not to be alone.

If it’s the latter, and he knows it, then cor both your sakes you need to make peace with your decision.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/01/2021 05:58

There's more to an affair than how many times you have sex.

He's also admitted they'd have had sex a lot more if only she lived local.

10 years he's been emotionally involved with another woman and has said he'd have had more sex if it was convenient!

Affairs/marriages are complicated.

You won't 'get over it'. He's lied & deceived you for 10 years & he's not even sorry or trying to put things right with you.

You'll destroy yourself if you stay with him and 'try'.

See a SHL (shit hot lawyer) you should get at least half the assets & his pension and given everything possibly some spousal maintenance.

Tell your adult DC. Tell them you understand that he's their Dad & their relationship with him is up to them, but you will not be getting back together or playing happy families.

Buy yourself a nice place to live that's YOURS & you can have exactly how you want it.

There's life after divorce, no matter your age

There's 'existing' if you stay.

💐