To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

@Fufumuji

When are those statistics from? If you could link them because I would actually like to look at them, actually not being sarcastic, I’ve just recently learned we aren’t allowed to do that.

Anyways, benefits are there for that reason, most single mothers whether they’re old or young will have to claim at some point in their child’s life.

It’s not desirable no, as I’ve said many times, but what does shunning and shaming teen mothers do? Makes them less likely to reach out for help, which creates bad homes, which creates unstable children which creates more...what?...teenage pregnancy, the very thing that is so undesirable.

It doesn't matter at what age you have your baby - someone will judge and criticise you. As soon as you engage your womb, the world and his wife gives you their opinion - you don't need to ask for it - they'll tell you anyway. Don't worry about what other people think - you love and are happy with your baby and that is all that matters.

There are negative statistics but I think they have a lot more to do with the fact a much higher number of teen parents are from more deprived and disadvantaged social backgrounds to begin with.

Who the fuck is shunning teen mums? come on OP, you’re just making shit up now.

I was a teen mum - not ideal but wouldn’t change it and I managed okay. Hope my two girls don’t have kids young though.

I think what you need to remember is people will criticise you no matter what. Had a baby too young, too old, whatever. If you know you are doing your best then you just have to ignore judgment, especially not taking to heart online comments.

Anyways, benefits are there for that reason, most single mothers whether they’re old or young will have to claim at some point in their child’s life

The younger they are the more likely it is, and that doesn't make it a good thing.

What does shaming do? Well, it keeps the teen pregnancy rate going down and down, for one thing. Which is excellent, as the UK has always had embarassingly high rates compared to the rest of Europe. Teen girls should think that its a bad thing to get pregnant before they are even adults. We want them to think its an awful thing.

FRom my experience though on an individual level there is lots of help and support for young women in that situation who need it.

That thread was about a teen couple who'd known each other five minutes and couldn't support themselves let alone a baby, when would that scenario ever be a good idea?
Lots of shaming going on about all of us 30+ mother's being knackered and too old to run around after our children. Actually I'm fine thanks, fit and healthy but thanks for the concern

There are negative statistics but I think they have a lot more to do with the fact a much higher number of teen parents are from more deprived and disadvantaged social backgrounds to begin with

That's obviously a huge part of it, but they need to be reached to stop the cycle. Not only are teen mothers more likely to be from deprived and disadvantaged backgrounds, they tend to stay there, and then their children have the same.

I had dd1 very young. My parents had to support us both financially and emotionally. I missed out on a massive part of being a teenager.
Looking back I wouldn't change it but I wouldn't want it for my dd's.

@Fufumuji

And how are the abortion statistics?

@HorseOfPhillipMoss
As I said the comments on the thread was more what broke the camels back.

And I have nothing against older mothers, I think they get their fair share of shaming too and I applaud everyone of them, my point was that I can be just as loving as you could be.

@Fufumuji

Shaming does nothing to help teen mothers, stop them becoming pregnant, don’t shame the ones who already are.

No one should be ashamed of being a teen mother. But it’s not the best situation for the baby or mother. No teenager has the finances to properly support a child and emotionally it’s hard too. Ofc that doesn’t mean that teenagers are always bad parents but statistically their children and them generally have very poor outcomes.

@ParkheadParadise
I’m sure you did an amazing job, I wouldn’t want it for DD either.
But I do enjoy every second of it, and I’m lucky enough to have DP, we still get to be teenagers, we have our individual time and before lockdown when things eased I would go produce music with my friends. Very little has changed for us excluding lock down, what time we would’ve spent together, is now the three of us.

Shaming does nothing to help teen mothers, stop them becoming pregnant, don’t shame the ones who already are

It helps to stop their being more, and I don't believe people in general care about individuals enough to shame them. Nobody really cares how old you are.

How are the abortion stats? Higher than they used to be...that's good in the sense that there are less children being born but bad in that contraception should be pushed more.

@CayrolBaaaskin DP and I have the finances, just about.
We have some left mostly every month unless there’s a big bill.
Of course most teenagers aren’t like this.
But part of my point is that we aren’t all the same.

Here’s a relatively recent study on outcomes for teenage parents, but there are lots available.

www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/teenage-pregnancy#background

Cash02

Good, you shouldn’t be ashamed. The thing is, teenage mums are a stereotype for some - feckless, thick, uneducated, only after claiming benefits or whatever - they tend to get lumped into the same category - it’s just lazy thinking really.

I was a teenage mum too and the patronising comments I had to put up with still make me shake my head today. I remember one midwife telling me condescendingly “they don’t bounce if you drop them you know!” when rocking my baby on the hospital ward - of course I look back now and just realise she was a miserable, unhappy cow. I particularly remember my friends df being very sneery (very much in the vein of “that would never happen to my daughter” - she was at uni and I had gone straight into the world of work) But I had the last laugh because I went on to work very hard and build a business (along with dh). We now have a VERY comfortable life - kids in private school, live in a gorgeous house in a lovely area, holiday home etc. I went on to have 3 more dc’s and I’ve loved having a big family.

Friend btw is still living in the crappy town we grew up in, works all hours to pay the bills and struggled to become pregnant as she left it so late - had her first at 40 after several rounds of ivf (I’m not gloating about this, but just saying it’s not always best to leave it late to have kids). Wouldn’t swap places with her for anything.

I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened in my life. Those people who look down often do so to give them a little boost as they’re not that happy with something in their life. I will encourage my dd’s to go to uni and wait until their mid-twenties to consider having a family but I certainly wouldn’t think it was the end of the world if they became pregnant as a teen and wanted to keep the baby. With a supportive family around you you can still go on to have a really good life.

Also benefits are supposed to be a safety net. Not an entitlement. I’m a single mum and don’t claim benefits. Because I was well advanced in my career and financially stable before I had dds. It’s impossible for that to be the case for a teenager as they just haven’t had the time to get sufficient education and experience and to accumulate assets.

@Fufumuji

There are negative statistics but I think they have a lot more to do with the fact a much higher number of teen parents are from more deprived and disadvantaged social backgrounds to begin with

That's obviously a huge part of it, but they need to be reached to stop the cycle. Not only are teen mothers more likely to be from deprived and disadvantaged backgrounds, they tend to stay there, and then their children have the same.

Definitely, I just think it’s worth pointing out that the negative statistics are very much skewed by the fact a much higher proportion are from disadvantaged backgrounds- many already living in poverty or dropped out of education before even becoming pregnant. The girls I’ve known from more comfortable backgrounds who have become pregnant in their late teens (which is only a couple) have done absolutely fine and I don’t think they were necessarily ‘against the odds’.

@Fufumuji

Abortion stats are very high, some women become very very mentally unwell after abortions, some can even become sterile.
It’s better to prevent pregnancy and support teen mothers out of poverty.

But you don’t actually care about that? You have this weird thing against young mothers. Was your mum young by any chance? Probably not just wondering.

OP - I don’t see that teenage parents are being shamed? More so that people are point out the disadvantages.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of but generally it’s not ideal.

In any case it sounds as if you are doing a good job so there is no need for you to care what others think as it doesn’t affect you.

Abortion stats are very high, some women become very very mentally unwell after abortions, some can even become sterile

High? In what context are they high? Compared to what?
The vast majority of women do not become "mentally unwell" after abortions, and they do not become "sterile". Please don't repeat such anti-choice propaganda, it is very damaging.

Even then there is nothing wrong with single mothers claiming, it is what it’s their for

It’s there for emergency’s

It’s not there for couples to decide that’s how they intend to raise their baby. It’s not there as a free ride, as an option not to work.

And that’s BOTH parents in that situation choosing not to work and provide for their baby. It was made clear.

Planning a baby on benefits is never OK.

Unplanned pregnancy or accident or relationship breakdown etc, fine, claim away, but to see it as a lifestyle choice is wrong.

@cash02 - I thought you said you claim benefits? I don’t think either being a teenage mum or claiming benefits is anything to be ashamed of but nor is it a desirable state of affairs. If you would not want it for your dd think why and you will have the answer.

@CayrolBaaaskin

They are a safety net of course, to stop children starving, if a teen mother becomes pregnant and has the child, should the child just starve? Or is that classed as a safety issue?
Some single mothers have to claim at some point, not all, of course.
That’s why everyone pays taxes! So if it’s ever you, you can have the help.