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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

423 replies

Cash02 · 24/01/2021 23:19

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 25/01/2021 01:12

No, you've nothing to be ashamed of. xxxxx

RickiTarr · 25/01/2021 01:12

Maturity varies massively and doesn’t really correlate with age. Parenting instinct, patience and the ability to put your own needs second have nothing whatsoever to do with age. Of ten people who freak out about young parents secretly mean that they would have failed at parenting if they had done it young.

I generally find that the people who make heavy weather of putting other people down are motivated by their own insecurity. Otherwise why would you care about other people’s lives?

SendHelp30 · 25/01/2021 01:15

@Robbybobtail yes, I imagine as a young grandmother I would still be working even part time so wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with grandchildren as id like.
It’s probably personal experience too;
My own grandmother was in 60 when I was born and is very much a stereotypical “granny” ;baking, cuddly, knitting.
I think of 40 as still being quite young so wouldn’t like the “granny” label at 40. I’m probably just a middle age denier 😂

Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:19

@sassa8 oh god not on my own no, with DP we’re stable, he makes an apprentice wage and does cash in hand jobs on the side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:20

@RickiTarr

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 25/01/2021 01:22

Being a teen mum makes you a very strong person in
my books. Being a mum was all I ever wanted yet when I found out I was pregnant at 19, I took the easy way out and aborted my baby. I did it all on my own and have never told a single soul to this day. I admire you OP - I wish I'd had the guts to tell my parents and go through with it.

RickiTarr · 25/01/2021 01:23

You’re welcome. Don’t let them get you down.

CliffordMouse · 25/01/2021 01:25

I don't think it should matter to you what other people think.

But today I've seen you post on so many threads about how young and yet mature you are, even when no one questioned it. Maybe this is an insecurity you need to look into overcoming? That way, other opinions won't bother you as much.

Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:27

@notangelinajolie

I’m really sorry for what you went through. You’re incredibly strong in my books too!
I don’t really have my parents around which probably made it a bit easier.

I hope you’re well, I send all my love your way Flowers

OP posts:
PeanuttButtaCup · 25/01/2021 01:28

I try not to be ashamed. I had my first DC at 16, his dad wanted nothing to do with us. I got into a relationship when DS1 was 6 months old, I got pregnant 3 months into that relationship and at that point my ex became extremely abusive and I had to leave the relationship. I’m expecting DC2 in April, I’m a single mum (will not be in a relationship with anyone else until my DC grow up), I live in a council flat and currently I’m not able to work because of disabilities. I know it sounds shit, I never knew my dad or my mums dad because he didn’t want anything to do with her when she got pregnant (even though she was 22) so it hurts that my kids won’t know their dads. I was on contraception both times I fell pregnant, and I took it correctly. If I do get in a relationship again (in many years!) I’ll change my contraception and make sure my partner uses contraception too. I did consider abortion, so I could go to university, but I couldn’t go through with it. I do still want to go to uni, and maybe eventually work and get us our own home.

But I’m really trying to change things for us, I’m currently in counselling for my mental health issues and I’m working with a doctor to manage my physical disabilities. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to work again, but I want to continue my education. I still went to college, I got 9 GCSEs and a BTEC in health and social at grade A*. I might do an open university course when my kids are a little older, maybe I’ll be able to find a job that could fit in with my illnesses. I don’t spend much money on myself, all of my money goes into my DC. I try and be conscious about how I parent and I read lots of books about how to help the DC develop. I don’t want my boys to be another statistic just because of my decisions so I will work as hard as possible for them.

YANBU at all to not be ashamed, I’m still working on it. Maybe because I have 2 kids from different dads, I’m not with their dads and I’m not working. I do struggle with the way people perceive me but I’m trying hard to work on that.

Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:29

@CliffordMouse I’ve never once said anywhere how mature I am?
It’s nice you’ve seen me about though
I don’t think I’m mature at all, I have a lot to learn about life, a lot...
I think I can be very childish at times, such as this thread was a bit childish of me, I’m tired and let something random upset me.

I’m glad I made this thread though, if I can show at least one person that we’re still people!

If you can show me where I said I was ‘Mature’ then please do? I don’t think I ever did.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 25/01/2021 01:30

All the teen mums I knew were married when they had their kids and almost all of their kids chose to wait because they felt that the financial struggle their parents went through ruined their childhoods. It’s good that things are different for you but honestly your situation is not the usual one.

I remember how my friends raised their kids on minimum wages designed for kids, still having to rely on handouts from family - Many of my friends had 4 kids by the time they were 20 which meant they never had money not even when the kids grew up and left. Many of them are still renting or living with parents 20 years later

Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:34

@PeanuttButtaCup

I want to just say that you’re doing amazing and if you ever need to talk I’m right here, I could do with someone to talk to as well sometimes.

I had a little bit of a different upbringing I didn’t really have my mother. It was hard but, it’s better to not have them than to have them there and abusive, she came in an out and was nastier every time.

Your babies will love you even if they don’t have their dads, as long as you do your best for them.

You can do so much with yourself, you sound intelligent and you’ve clearly done well in school.

Please never give up on yourself xx

OP posts:
4cats2kids · 25/01/2021 01:34

YANBU as long as a child is loved and looked after then age doesn’t matter

Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:36

@GrumpyHoonMain
I know my situation isn’t the norm, I’m very grateful but I do work hard too.

I just wish a lot of teen mums had more support, if they had enough support to continue their education, get a job, mental health support. There would be a lot less of those horrible statistics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cash02 · 25/01/2021 01:38

@4cats2kids thank you so much Flowers

I have to stop reading, DD gets up at 6 without fail, I’m going to be knackered

OP posts:
Tellmetruth4 · 25/01/2021 03:48

The following question has nothing to do with your age but how self sufficient are you and your DP really OP? You and your partner have limited work experience. He’s an apprentice IT person (doing what in IT? It’s a wide area) and you produce music. You must be a very successful music producer if you can both live independently with no help from family or the government.

Redbrickwall · 25/01/2021 03:50

[quote Cash02]@PeanuttButtaCup

I want to just say that you’re doing amazing and if you ever need to talk I’m right here, I could do with someone to talk to as well sometimes.

I had a little bit of a different upbringing I didn’t really have my mother. It was hard but, it’s better to not have them than to have them there and abusive, she came in an out and was nastier every time.

Your babies will love you even if they don’t have their dads, as long as you do your best for them.

You can do so much with yourself, you sound intelligent and you’ve clearly done well in school.

Please never give up on yourself xx[/quote]
Sadly I think this says a lot about your motivations for a baby so young. Difficult upbringing, parents not around and now telling someone ‘your baby will always love you no matter what’.
You do realise children are not there to fill that gap don’t you? And that whilst babies might do so, when they become toddlers and are totally hateful towards you (!!) that’s when it often goes wrong for teen mums and it becomes more difficult when they tap into your own attachment issues. Toddlers aren’t great at forflling the need to always have someone there to love you.

Just something to be aware of.

And as I have said further up, I was a teen mum myself, so no need to attack

ChelseaCat · 25/01/2021 04:31

[quote Cash02]@sassa8 oh god not on my own no, with DP we’re stable, he makes an apprentice wage and does cash in hand jobs on the side.[/quote]
Cash in hand - so dodging paying tax and contributing to the fund that provides benefits and supports teenage mothers when they need it? Interesting.

Boomerwang · 25/01/2021 04:40

Just curious how many parents did have perfect circumstances when their kids were born and growing up?

I'm jealous of teen parents because they're young enough to get the most out of it and don't look like old fuddys when they turn up to the school and also because they learn life lessons at an earlier age so naivety doesn't follow them for too long.

Sinful8 · 25/01/2021 04:42

[quote Cash02]@sassa8 oh god not on my own no, with DP we’re stable, he makes an apprentice wage and does cash in hand jobs on the side.[/quote]
And who says teenage parents have to to turn to crime...

BullshitVivienne · 25/01/2021 04:51

@Boomerwang

Just curious how many parents did have perfect circumstances when their kids were born and growing up?

I'm jealous of teen parents because they're young enough to get the most out of it and don't look like old fuddys when they turn up to the school and also because they learn life lessons at an earlier age so naivety doesn't follow them for too long.

Old fuddies, FFS.
MrsOmelette · 25/01/2021 05:02

I had my eldest when I was sixteen. I got a good job and privately rented but my family disowned me. I had no experience at all of babies or younger children. It was so difficult and very lonely, scary too the responsibility. Anyway, she got straight As, a first class degree, a Masters, passed work exams and works in a highly demanding profession. I often wonder what the judgemental people in the small town I grew up in would think now, I was such a black sheep for what? Having a child I adore and the bravery and commitment to be Mum at an age when most feel they can’t? Not following the status quo? Margaret Thatcher blamed a lot on young single Mums, saying we did it to get council houses, that we were a drain. That didn’t help but people have always ostracised minorities and sociologically they regretfully always will.
Be proud of who you are, your identity as Mum, your children and hold your head up high.
I disown anyone who does not respect any Mum who is trying her best. They are the ones deserving of contempt, not us.

SendHelp30 · 25/01/2021 05:59

@Boomerwang you’re jealous of teen parents? Jesus, raise your bar.

Seasaltyhair · 25/01/2021 06:13

OP I had a baby at 16. I was from a council estate, on benefits and split up from the father. Many many people judged me. Including my friends parents because they thought it was catching. Doors did close for me educational and work wise. It was a massive struggle but I had good support of my family.

Now I’m in my 40s my dd1 lives and works in Dubai in her dream job, I have two small children in private school and I own my own business.

Don’t give a shit about what random strangers say on the internet - just keep doing what your doing and never forget to aspire to do what you want to do to get where you want to be.

For me the worst judgement was off other women when I was in the maternity ward after just having dd1. Horrible.

There are many many awful mothers out there - young and old. If your baby is loved fed and warm your on the right track Flowers