To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

Cash02 I bet you're a great mum😊 I was only 20 when I had my oldest child so not that much older than you, as with everything there are pros and cons but now in my 50s looking back I'm glad I had children when I was younger.
I remember carrying my baby in a sling, it made my back ache too!

Ps. I also finished my degree (first class honours), did my PGCE and got a full time teaching post straight after. Still pretty proud of myself for that haha. But it certainly wasn’t easy. I felt I had a lot to prove.

I can accept that I’m very tired tonight, and unable to sleep.

The thread itself didn’t upset me so much it was what brought it all to the forefront of my mind, I shouldn’t of started the thread off with that example I apologise.

It’s just I’ve been told so much so far, even my own family telling me I should have an abortion, to then when it got too late, giving her up for adoption.

I’m not saying it’s a good situation to have children in, it’s never ideal and DP and I are lucky that we earn and are able to look after our DD as well as we do.

I just find it so sad that we are judged the way we are and I think if you spoke to other teen mothers, such as I have, a lot of them have similar experiences.

You sound terribly immature
And you mean and heartless!
Ah c'mon this board is full of bitching sniping and immaturity from people who are much older than the Opie on this thread

You have no reason to be ashamed of having a child in your teens but you must accept that, for a lot of cases, a mother at that age is likely to struggle with parenthood. It's not about your capacity to love or even keep a child safe, but more to do with being able to provide the child with emotional, developmental and material support which is simply very hard for a lot of teen mums.

From the point of view of the health of the mother late teens is the ideal age to have a baby, possibly also for the health of the baby since your genes are most pristine when you're younger, same goes for the father, so you are giving your baby the best genetic start in life!

I think you're setting yourself and children off from the back foot. very little life and work experience, sometimes its Low expectations and a cop out. Very few will have secure income and housing, life of poverty really.

@Fufumuji
No it isn’t all about love, I also provide financially, we have a stable home, I’m invested in her development, she has healthy home cooked meals everyday, she has (now) a loving family, we are in a bubble and she socialises.
My DP is an IT apprentice as I said, I produce music and study.

If you actually spoke to young mothers, you’ll find most of them are capable of easing children, have plans or already have a job.

We’re past the age of claiming benefits and doing nothing with your life, most young people, child or not, don’t want that for themselves.

Op, I doubt any one would argue that uoure wrong, of course teen parents are judged, for the simple reason it’s not ideal. For the reasons explained.

Many have not completed their education, don’t earn money, don’t have their own home, don’t even live with the child’s other parent and didn’t do before hand, and are basically relying on others to support them, from parents, to thr government, in terms of benefits or social housing, and kids grow up in poverty, in addition the teenage parents see their friends having good careers, going out and having fun, clubbing, cocktails, new clothes, cars, homes, holidays and they can become resentful. Many teenage relationships don’t last.

So yes ther is a judgement because it is often far from ideal. Even you recognise this, it works for you and that’s great, but it is very different for many other teen parents.

I was a teen mum, she’s now an intensive care nurse working 14 hour shifts & I am so proud of everything she achieved considering most people thought she’d end go down the same path 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP I bet you're doing a great job. My pregnancy was planned as me and DP are financially stable. I wouldn't have accepted being a teen mum if we weren't able to provide.

Raising* auto correct

I don’t think anyone thinks you should be ashamed.

Is it what you want for your kid though?

It’s not what I want for mine. Not the end of the world, we’d all survive and get on with it....but no it’s not my wish.

There will always be a stigma around teen pregnancy. My sister was 15 when she had her baby, then 18. She was a bloody good mum. More mature than some older mums. She's going going to be a grandma soon at 36 years old but she holds her head up high and doesn't care about what people say etc Shes been trolled, talked down to but she's stayed strong throughout. Please just keep doing a good job of bringing up your daughter. Show her resilience, teach her love and gratitude and remember, we all have bad days. Im in my 30s and I do but it doesn't make us bad mothers.

And me saying ‘should I accept I’m an evil mother’ was me being sarcastic, thank you.

😂😂😂

Yep, got that. Sarcasm is of course the symbol of maturity.

every child should be a wanted child not necessarily planned - it helps if every mum has family or friends or a good dp/dh to support them
It is harder if you are younger & unprepared. Some people are more immature than others & not prepared for the enormous needs of caring for a child & this isn't always related to being young - its not so long ago that women were married had children in their teens regularly.
but the younger you are the harder you are more likely to find having a child & even with a partner you are more likely to struggle financially because you are likely to have less money (or lower state support)& a lower income from work. But that isn't a judgement as everybody is different - I think it just means that if someone is a very young mum a bit extra help should be offered if needed.

No woman who is competently raising a wanted child in a loving home is an awful, evil mother.

I just think statistically teen pregnancy- which is usually unplanned- can often bring more challenges to those factors than an older settled couple who’ve been together a while and have planned a kid together might face.

@AnnabelleMarx

It’s not what I’d want for my daughter no, it’s why I am and continue to do everything I can to make sure I make her as happy and secure as she can be.

My entire point is that, as I said, it’s never advisable, and should never be encouraged.
But many young mothers come from troubled homes, they need support, not shaming, or judgement.
If I had an abortion I would’ve killed myself ( to be completely blunt)
And my little girl wouldn’t be lighting up everyone’s world every time she smiles.

Young mothers have barely any support, and are constantly being shamed for being mothers, teenagers have been having babies from the beginning of time, however, shaming them and us having continued lack of support from both society and public services, only creates bad environments, which creates unstable children, which tends to create more teenage mothers.

@WINKINGatyourage
Didn’t realise we weren’t allowed to be sarcastic when we hit 18, I’ll stop immediately.

We’re past the age of claiming benefits and doing nothing with your life, most young people, child or not, don’t want that for themselves

That's not what the statistics say. Teen mothers are far more likely to be on benefits, they are more likely to be or become single mothers, their children are more likely to live in poverty, to leave school early, to become teen mothers themselves, and more.

You may be a solvent, working, self sufficient teen mother in a solid relationship...but unfortunately that's not the norm.

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of in and of itself, but I didn't want it for myself and I certainly don't want it for my daughters. There's a stigma attached to most things that are very undesirable.

I just think you’re arguing with yourself OP. The only person it’s upsetting is you. Your desire to prove yourself and get everyone to say that being a teenage mother is great will only end in you feeling hurt and frustrated.

If you know that you’re providing for your daughter and doing well, then that’s fantastic But also understand that you will change and grow as a person and maybe look back and think that actually, being a teenage mother wasn’t ideal (as I do ).

I also spent a lot of time looking to be offended, and did it on another popular women's internet forum at the time too. I wanted everyone to say I was a wonderful mother and I wanted everyone to say it was a wonderful thing to have a baby at 18. I felt totally wounded when they didn’t.

Now I’m in my late 30s I truly give no fucks about what people think. But I also can look back and reflect on being a teenage mother and understand that a lot of my outraged emotions came from immaturity.!

You aren’t going to change people’s opinions and nor should you. But I honestly think understanding that comes with age.

As said op, I think you’re just tired and emotional, maybe come back to the discussion tomorrow. As it’s a bit like you’re stamping your foot in a tantrum

As a pp said, yes there will always be a stigma, because it’s usually not ideal for thr reasons outlined. No one should be shamed for it. However it is not something people will generally applaud either.

The applause comes from your child. When they grow up and look back. They are the only ones who can say if you’re a good parent or not. The only ones.

Ok. You’re clearly just in a horrible, defensive place tonight so I’ll leave you to it. I think in years to come you’ll maybe understand the comments on that other thread and where they come from.

You'll have the last laugh when all the 30yo mums are fecking knackered with babies and children and youre getting your life back!! Just dont do what i did and have a baby at 19 and then another at 35

Im a very different this time around, bloody knackered!!

Sure you'll Be a fantastic mum, enjoy your dc and good luck with the music production

You'll have the last laugh when all the 30yo mums are fecking knackered with babies and children and youre getting your life back!!

Except they are more likely to have things like a career, money, their own house, a solid relationship....so no, 35 year old grandma won't be having the last laugh at all.