To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

@Ideasplease322

Age does mean something though doesn’t it? How can a 16 or 17 year old support a baby? Where does the money come from?

At that age they should be in school or college. Not everyone needs to go to university but I think it’s tragic that these girls and young women don’t see alternative paths.

It's not always that they don't see alternative paths though. You're talking as if they pick it out the future book at 13

And yes, they do need help to fund it, but so do students, and those on benefits.

My friend had a baby at 16 , and now has a degree and a valuable job.

What's the difference between that and someone who works til 25 say then is a sahm?

She just did things the other way round, and that is OK.

I consider there to be a huge, huge difference between a stay at home mum who is a married woman where the family can afford for the mother to stay home and be with the child(ren) from the husbands income. They do not need benefits to supplement his income.

And a woman who chooses a life on benefits and has children and stays unemployed because the state will pay. Equally; a child with no employment prospects who gets pregnant.

It is absolutely not ok to have a baby at 16.

It’s great that your friend was able to complete her education, but she is the exception, not the rule.

THe majority of teens who fall pregnant don’t. Their children have poorer outcomes. That is a fact. Knowing someone who bucks this trends does change that.

The difference is it is incredibly difficult to get back those years you lose. When you are 16 you should be finishing your education. A 25 year old has usually completed their eduction.

I am shocked you don’t see a difference between a 16 year old and a 25 Year old.

Accidents happen, and people can always give examples of a someone they know who triumphed despite this set back.

And how on earth does a 16 year old afford to house, feed and cloth a baby? Why is this the same as a 25 who has been working for years?

Have to say rootytoot your post makes little sense

@Ideasplease322 she was trying to insinuate that when a 25 year old has a child they will then rely on benefits to fund their DC, like her 16 year old friend did.
She doesn’t seem to understand that most 25 years old wouldn’t be in that position. Thankfully, a lot of people, especially by the age of 25, understand you don’t have children you can’t afford. Children aren’t aware of the costs involved in running a household and raising a child.

@RootyT00t How did your friend manage for money and presumably childcare?

Or did she do it all on her own?

*And yes, they do need help to fund it, but so do students, and those on benefits.

My friend had a baby at 16 , and now has a degree and a valuable job.

What's the difference between that and someone who works til 25 say then is a sahm?*

Apart from the fact its fairly unusual (IME) for a 25 year old to have a baby and then completely give up work, that scenario would usually be a decision between the child's parents and funded by the working parent.

If your friend had a partner and/or parents/'in laws' who were able to fund her university fees along with childcare, accommodation and living costs, she was extremely lucky and probably in the minority.

@SendHelp30

It is absolutely not ok to have a baby at 16.

Literally nobody debates this, even teen parents ourselves

Doesn't mean we need to be told we're useless and that people feel sorry for our kids.

I don’t think people are saying that at all.

A few people have come on to the thread to say there is no disadvantage to becoming a mum at 16, and it doesn’t make any difference to life outcomes.

Unfortunately for the majority it does. The statistics are clear.

But teen mums are certainly not useless. They have a much harder experience of motherhood and, on average, their children have poorer outcomes. That is why so much time and energy is spent trying to education young people about safe sex.

I was a teen mum. Pregnant at 17 and gave birth at 18, so exactly like you, OP.

I'm now older. My child is a teen. Its not to do with loving as much but about maturity and the ability to provide.

Even a mature 18 year old is still not really mature. You do a lot of maturing in your twenties. More again in your 30s.

I'm not ashamed of having been a teen mum, but i would rather my son had a childhood with a mother who was more mature and settled with a better ability to provide.

I had my first and second in my teens. I’m not embarrassed at all, still got a degree and masters and still managed to buy a house. Pretty good Mum by all accounts too . You can be a crap parent at any age.

@bushhbb that quote you’ve taken was a direct response to a PP who said “some people do it at 16 and that is ok”

I haven’t once said teen mums are useless or that I feel sorry for the children of teen mums.

[quote Nicknacky]@RootyT00t How did your friend manage for money and presumably childcare?

Or did she do it all on her own?[/quote]
She had a partner, money was hard and no doubt she had benefits but they managed.

She has certainly put back in what she took out.

I'm not advocating it as a life choice. But I have an issue with people who put these girls down when their choice actually makes them strong and capable.

I'd rather pay a young mum through difficult years than a lifelong student who coasts along.

Ah someone's hit the nail on the head
You can be a crap Parent at any age
No amount of sneering and judging other women will change that.

@Cam2020

*And yes, they do need help to fund it, but so do students, and those on benefits.

My friend had a baby at 16 , and now has a degree and a valuable job.

What's the difference between that and someone who works til 25 say then is a sahm?*

Apart from the fact its fairly unusual (IME) for a 25 year old to have a baby and then completely give up work, that scenario would usually be a decision between the child's parents and funded by the working parent.

If your friend had a partner and/or parents/'in laws' who were able to fund her university fees along with childcare, accommodation and living costs, she was extremely lucky and probably in the minority.

She did uni from home and funded her own way through with loans like anyone else. Her and her partner worked it out.

Not everyone needs to move away.

Why is she any worse than the likes of me with my numerous degrees funded by the government? She is actually in a better job and more mature than I and many of my peers.

I appreciate this is anecdotal.

But so is the stereotype.

Whoever said it's not 'ok' is being ridiculous. Of course it's ok. It might not be what you want for your own child but it is ok.

@Port1aCastis

Ah someone's hit the nail on the head You can be a crap Parent at any age No amount of sneering and judging other women will change that.

👏👏👏👏👏

But being a shite parent is ok as long as you fund yourself. Apparently.

Relying on benefits to find your child’s upbringing doesn't make you a great parent. You can give all the love you like but if you aren’t able to provide, you aren’t able to provide.

@Ideasplease322

And how on earth does a 16 year old afford to house, feed and cloth a baby? Why is this the same as a 25 who has been working for years?

Have to say rootytoot your post makes little sense

They don't make little sense, you just don't agree. Of course I can see the difference.

My point was - what is the difference between a youngster having a baby, then giving back into the system throughout their career , and someone who puts into the system then becomes a parent. 25 was just an example, say 35.

Okay, so a 35 year old can fund their own child better by your logic - but in reality you don't know anyones circumstances. is a 35 year single mum post messy split or divorce scraping by worse than a 16 year old on benefits?
.16,26 or 36, we all do it differently. You get good and shite parents at any age.

All these posts seem to come back to what people can fund. Why? One look in the stately homes thread will tell you otherwise.

And of course we can always give anecdotal stories of successful teen parents. Because they exist. And I won't have them voiceless because someone has decided it's 'not OK'. Since when did someone have the right to say what someone else could or couldn't do?

My original post was in response to the PP who said its not all about love and good parenting when in reality, it is

That's what my post was getting at, you're being obtuse saying it doesn't make sense.

We're not all on benefits, my Parents were very supportive and helped me so no sorry I'm not in your stereotypical little box of judgement

@SendHelp30

Relying on benefits to find your child’s upbringing doesn't make you a great parent. You can give all the love you like but if you aren’t able to provide, you aren’t able to provide.

Would you say that about 35 year old Jenny who's husband left and who is on the bones of her arse? Or jobless Suzy with her three Mickey mouse degrees who can't get a job?

No. You wouldn't.

On the flip side, your weans in designer gear wanting for nothing does not make you a good parent. It's just not that black and white.

I take your point about people actively choosing to do this (few and far between). But I take my hat off to young girls who find themselves in this situation and do their best. And I will not judge them.

@Port1aCastis

We're not all on benefits, my Parents were very supportive and helped me so no sorry I'm not in your stereotypical little box of judgement

Ooh don't mention you had parents help.

Thats not allowed either.

But presumably people who buy houses or go to uni with their parents money is .

@Ideasplease322

I don’t think people are saying that at all.

A few people have come on to the thread to say there is no disadvantage to becoming a mum at 16, and it doesn’t make any difference to life outcomes.

Unfortunately for the majority it does. The statistics are clear.

But teen mums are certainly not useless. They have a much harder experience of motherhood and, on average, their children have poorer outcomes. That is why so much time and energy is spent trying to education young people about safe sex.

Define poorer outcomes?

[quote SendHelp30]@Ideasplease322 she was trying to insinuate that when a 25 year old has a child they will then rely on benefits to fund their DC, like her 16 year old friend did.
She doesn’t seem to understand that most 25 years old wouldn’t be in that position. Thankfully, a lot of people, especially by the age of 25, understand you don’t have children you can’t afford. Children aren’t aware of the costs involved in running a household and raising a child.[/quote]
Oh come on.

You also knew what I was getting at. I meant someone who works and the has children as opposed to someone who has a child then works.

I didn't actually say my friend relied on benefits , don't put that in my mouth.

But 'you don't have children you can't afford ' - you lost me there with your judgements I'm afraid - you're another one who sits up on your chair of judgement and actually thinks it's a good thing to gloatingly judge these young women.

No amount of what aboutery will ever convince me that's right , and il take a benefit using , struggling teen mum over a judgemental aren't I wonderful and aren't they all silly for not perfectly planning their life every day of the week.

These women know what it's like to struggle and won't be teens forever and can go on and do good in the world. I've seen it many times over.

@Port1aCastis you do though. Because you couldn’t support your child yourself.