To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

However it doesn’t mean the children will have a terrible life or not be looked after any less than some 30-40 year olds

Will you please try to understand this simple fact: It doesn't mean the children will def have a terrible life or be less looked after,,,but it is FAR far more likely when they have a teen mother.

It's not "not ideal". It should be said baldy: it's a terrible terrible idea that more often than not turns out pretty shit.

You are not a bad mother.
However the circumstances are not ideal. You havent provided a secure and stable environment for them yet e.g. not being a homeowner or a stable job (although there is nothing wrong with this as long as you are working towards it) and children need stability in order to thrive.
I'm assuming that you are unmarried and unmarried women have far less protection. I know you are in a relationship but both of you are still so young. People change as they grow so chances are, your relationship may not last.
You still have so much growing up to do yourself. Getting decent qualifications which will land you a good job. You haven't experienced life yet.
I'm sorry to say OP but as a mother of 3 daughters, I would be slightly disappointed and a little sad if any of my girls became teenage mothers. It's not something to look up to.
I became a mother at 22. I finished my masters. But I had to put my career on hold because I wanted to spend time with my children until my youngest turns 3 and then resume full time work. Because I have dont have a job that provides decent income, I cant buy a home or a car. I'm renting, but renting is not stable.
You will understand when you are older because you clearly have some growing up to do.

@Fufumuji don’t worry, some of us understand your point. Unfortunately, we’re fighting a loosing battle.
People are failing to see that these high performing children of young mothers probably do exactly that to avoid giving their own DC the kind of childhood they had. They realise, with hindsight, the struggles their parent(s) faced and work damn hard to ensure they don’t inflict the same upon their own DC.

[quote SendHelp30]@Seasaltyhair it’s neither reaching nor sarcastic. Those were previous posts from the OP.[/quote]
Well I think it’s even worse people are name searching for her past posts. WTF is wrong with some of you people? I think many of you enjoyed poking dead animals with sticks tbh

@Seasaltyhair Bluntness’s posts are actually very measured and mature. You seem to have taken them very personally for some reason.

OP has started many threads of late, and in each one describes herself several times in several ways, including working class, overweight, young, living with her grandmother, with an unpleasant sister etc. She also says she’s a music producer. No one is actually disputing that. How could they? This is an anonymous forum.

One thing I would say, and this is purely my own opinion, is that from many of the threads she appears to be seeking validation from others for her choices.

No one is mocking the OP, no one that I have seen is being cruel, several posters are however, being extremely defensive as they too, were teen mothers. The only common message that I can see among the majority of posters is that while it may work out for some young mothers, it is not a position that young girls should be encouraged to adopt. It is hard and opportunity to thrive and succeed limited.

@Indoctro “Her son is now 30, just got married and moving to a high flying job in Abu Dhabi. He left school with 7 advanced highest A grade. He won a scholarship to university under a talent scheme in Scotland. He is on the high achievers lifetime list at the university he went to. She did a absolute amazing job as a mother“

Sorry but are you saying if a child is not intelligent and achieving top grades then their mothers are doing a crap job? Parenting can only go so far - this child sounds very intelligent which is in his genetics. It’s a bit ridiculous to say that excellent mother’s are those with successful children.

Also find it odd on a thread that those saying how there’s nothing to be ashamed of being a teen mother are at absolute pains to point out the children off these teen mothers turned out to be absolutely nothing like their mothers! If it was such a great thing surely you would be saying oh and her child turned out to be a great teen mother too.

No one should be ashamed of what they are - mother as a teen, young, old, with or without fertility treatment. Some situations are more desirable than others and I don’t think many would recommend having a baby while you are still at school. That’s just the reality as are the statistics of how these mothers tend to face a lot of difficulty.

To quote my favourite song Sunscreen
“Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do don’t berate yourself too much and don’t congratulate yourself either.. your choices are half chance - and so are everybody else’s.

@Robbybobtail your post was disgusting. You could probably learn from the above advice.

I was a teen Mother also OP and like you I managed. Yes people were fuckin bitching and evil to me as clearly they didn't think there was a person with feelings pushing that pram and the sneering sniggering judgement hurt but we got there and made a life for ourselves and DD is now 22.

[quote FitzsimmonsMarvel]@Indoctro “Her son is now 30, just got married and moving to a high flying job in Abu Dhabi. He left school with 7 advanced highest A grade. He won a scholarship to university under a talent scheme in Scotland. He is on the high achievers lifetime list at the university he went to. She did a absolute amazing job as a mother“

Sorry but are you saying if a child is not intelligent and achieving top grades then their mothers are doing a crap job? Parenting can only go so far - this child sounds very intelligent which is in his genetics. It’s a bit ridiculous to say that excellent mother’s are those with successful children.

Also find it odd on a thread that those saying how there’s nothing to be ashamed of being a teen mother are at absolute pains to point out the children off these teen mothers turned out to be absolutely nothing like their mothers! If it was such a great thing surely you would be saying oh and her child turned out to be a great teen mother too.

No one should be ashamed of what they are - mother as a teen, young, old, with or without fertility treatment. Some situations are more desirable than others and I don’t think many would recommend having a baby while you are still at school. That’s just the reality as are the statistics of how these mothers tend to face a lot of difficulty.

To quote my favourite song Sunscreen
“Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do don’t berate yourself too much and don’t congratulate yourself either.. your choices are half chance - and so are everybody else’s.

@Robbybobtail your post was disgusting. You could probably learn from the above advice.[/quote]
I have to disagree with you that was not my point. My point is young mothers ,especially single ones struggling on benefits are often stereotyped to not doing a good job and my sister proved otherwise. I agree some of the her child success is genetic but some is her determination to make sure he did well and was a well rounded child .

This post was about the op feeling people look down on young mother which unfortunately they do, my point was they have no right to look down on young mother as lots of them to a absolutely fantastic job of bringing up well rounded children.

She has nothing to do with your ability to be a good roll model to your child

Age* has nothing

Not she

How would she of felt if he had fathered a child at 16?

Wishing you the best OP.
This has turned in to a pretty horrible thread.
I fell pregnant at 23 and loved being a 'younger' mum.
I'm sure some teenage parents are more responsible than many of my 30year old mates, who still live with their almost retired parents and spend all their money on clothes and cars. I'd think negatively of them, not someone working their ass off to provide for a family and offer a loving home and future.

Becoming a mother in any circumstance or at any age is scary and life changing. Even the most 'secure' of people struggle.

I don't think age necessarily determines what kind of parent you are going to be.

I don't think age necessarily determines what kind of parent you are going to be

Every statistic ever disagrees with you. So does logic. Age of course makes a big difference to what kind of parent you are going to be.

feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman

It’s about far more than love babies need so much more than that.

It’s very likely a 30 year old is stable in a career, owns their own home so has housing stability, long term relationship, the means to fund a child themselves, savings for a rainy day to ensure they can still meet life costs after a job loss etc.

At 18 the relationship is unlikely to have been long term, housing may not be stable, income may not be there or minimum wage, education not finished etc.

Age has nothing to do with your ability to be a good roll model to your child

If you were 15 having a baby age has everything to do with it, unless you want them to do the same. What can you role model at that age, you are a child? You are a model of what not to do.

YANBU to not feel ashamed of being a teenage mum. You don’t need to feel shame at all. I wasn’t a teenager when I had my first child but very young all the same. I don’t regret it as such but I do wish things had been better for us in many ways. I accept that some of those things would be improved if I’d been a bit older. I hope my children are older than I was and lived a bit if and when they ever have children of their own.

Every statistic ever disagrees with you. So does logic. Age of course makes a big difference to what kind of parent you are going to be.

Like I said not necessarily.
So many other factors can influence what kind of parent you are going to be. I don't think it can be judged solely on age, yet it always is.

Just because you think you have it all doesn't make you any more prepared for motherhood.

What do you think all these children to young parents are missing out on exactly, that couldn't possibly happen with an older parent?

If you were 15 having a baby age has everything to do with it, unless you want them to do the same. What can you role model at that age, you are a child? You are a model of what not to do.

Some of them will be a role model of what not to do, like some other mothers of any age.
Some will work damn hard bringing up their child, despite the judgement and stereotypes which come daily from society, and do deserve recognition for that.

Would you not allow your child to look up to their teacher or nursery assistant, due to them being younger in age?

I only know of one teen mum really and she did a shocking job. Always lived in a shit hole, always on benefits, 5 kids with 3 different fathers. Her life never realky took off.

Im not ashamed, I have my first baby at 17.me and my now husband started out with nothing, he built his own ( now very successful business) from scratch, we've both worked very hard for our family, my husband is slightly older than me but we know we have given our kids absolutely everything and because of hard work we are able to give both our children everything they need as well as what they want to which feels amazing. We are also fingers crossed going to be buying our own house this year, so I'm not ashamed of being a teenage mum, we have both worked so so hard to get to where we are today, both our kids are lovely, polite, intelligent children. Our first born, our little girl is so kind, loving and clever and she and my little boy are the biggest achievements in my entire life.

But, it's not something I want for my own daughter, I don't want her to be a teenage parent, and it's not like I'm judging because I was a teenage mum myself. Even though we have everything we need and want in life now, and tney are amazing kids, because I was so young it's been very tough mentally and physically to get to this point, it's been so hard raising them by myself whilst I have no family support as my husbands parents live abroad and my own family live 3 hours away.
My children made me who I am today, they saved my life too ( in many ways) but it's not what I want for my own daughter, and I don't mean it in a bad way. Just because I know how hard it's been for me and I want her to wait until she has finished her education and settled down before having kids 😊

I do not judge young mothers myself, not one but, but I will admit that when I had my first child, I was in a way kind of glad that I was 20 when I fell pregnant and not 19, as there was definitely a stigma at the time around teenage parents. Looking back though now I was young and insecure and cared far to much about what people thought of me. I’m 40 years old now and couldn’t care what people think. I have two amazing dc and me and my dh have been together for 22 years. No one on my side of the family thought we’d last and made a point of telling me I was ruining my life having a child so young, but I guess I shown them eh. In my experience people will always judge mums, young and old, on so many things, it’s crap but it’s just the way it is. Developing a thick skin helps and as long as you and your family are happy and your dc is loved then that’s all that matters.

So many other factors can influence what kind of parent you are going to be. I don't think it can be judged solely on age, yet it always is

No-one said it is.

You really don't understand how statistics work. Or probability.

Think of it this way: if you are missing a leg, you can still be a great athlete. But in reality, you really really are unlikely to be one.
If you are 15 or 16 or 17 having a baby, you might be a brilliant, self sufficient, on top of it all mother. It's possible. But it's really very unlikely, isn't it?

as long as you and your family are happy and your dc is loved then that’s all that matters

It's not all that matters and the naivety of such a statement is astounding. Usually said by people who haven't provided enough of all the other things that matter.

Well I’ve certainly provided everything that my dc have needed. They’re both extremely happy children, doing well with their education despite the current situation, we have a nice home, they both have been heir own bedrooms, we have a separate study room for them, they are fed well, have won’t clothes and under normal circumstances have holidays and regular days out. But even if a child has all of that if they don’t feel loved or have parents who aren’t able to offer love and emotional support it wouldn’t count for anything would it.

@Zenab12 you sound very wise and like you and your DH have done a good job in tough circumstances. Good for you both!

Well I’ve certainly provided everything that my dc have needed

Have you provided them with the knowledge that teen pregnancy should not be a choice for them?

But even if a child has all of that if they don’t feel loved or have parents who aren’t able to offer love and emotional support it wouldn’t count for anything would it

And all the love in the world isn't enough when you can't feed and house your children, and when you haven't the ability to look after them properly. Love isn't all you need. That's a pop song, not real life.