To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

Children need consistency and security and teenagers don't tend to be best placed to provide those, well I certainly wasn't. Of course some really step up and are brilliant mums but many really struggle, it's not easy at any age.
You don't have to prove you're a good mum to anyone apart from yourself and your child. But children need more than just love, no matter what a lovely idea that is, so it's always worth listening and learning as you go.

No you should't feel ashamed.

It just means your career if you want one might have to take a Back seat for a few years. So might buying a house. But these things happen to people who do t have kids early for one reason or another.

It's hard at any age.

@stairway

There is a lot of judgement in western society, in some cultures teen pregnancy is the norm. I think things are looking up for tee mothers though as society has accepted you don’t need to do everything in a specific life order. You can have your children first and then have a career/university. There are downsides to having children later too.

Maybe but teen mums are more likely to have more kids and in my experience most likely to be older mums too. Not the healthy and wealthy ones that can endure miltiple ivf cycles, and get diagnosis for problems in advance, but the ones who get pregnant without knowing about prior medical issues.

Okay, but just to give a balanced view, what about the years of education you miss out on? These are the prime years for a levels and university.

It’s Possible to go back as a mature student, But much harder.

People will pile on to say they finished university when their child was older. But they are the exception.

At OP’s age I was living in halls, studying for my degree and having a ball. She is living in a single room at her grand with her boyfriend and baby, worried about what her future will bring.

She of course should not feel ashamed, but arguing this choose is just as good as going to university or finishing her education is just silly.

Ignoring the mountain of statistics that prove children of teen mothers have poorer outcomes is also silly

*No-one said it is.

You really don't understand how statistics work. Or probability.

Think of it this way: if you are missing a leg, you can still be a great athlete. But in reality, you really really are unlikely to be one.
If you are 15 or 16 or 17 having a baby, you might be a brilliant, self sufficient, on top of it all mother. It's possible. But it's really very unlikely, isn't it?*

The statistics can say whatever they want to say, but not everyone is in the same situation. I don't think a disabled person is any less of a person who doesn't deserve the same respect for their hard work and determination, just like the age of a young mum who is trying her best is no less of a mother. Neither deserve to be judged or made to feel like they are not good enough based on statistics.
Statistics and narrow minded people like yourself fuel this judgement.
If a young mum's child was having a little tantrum in the supermarket majority would judge her based on her ability as a parent, not being mature or responsible enough.
If it was an older mum, less people would judge, more would sympathise with her, and assume she was just having one of those days, ugh we've all been through the terrible twos...
Why are they different based on age or statistics?
Oh because a child of a young parent situation is because they don't have a stable environment, mum didn't finish school, all the normally stereotypes, and not because its developmentally appropriate behaviour for that age...

sozzled you haven't the first clue what you are talking about.

Answer one simple question: Is teen motherhood (under age 18) a valid life choice...is it a desirable goal at all?

I was a teen mother and while I do not think my children suffered and were lucky in that they had a lot more than other children of other teen parents and some older parents ... looking back now years later I can see that a teenager having children can never be the same as an older and more established parent/couple.

Now that all the people I went to school with are getting married and having kids do I wish I’d waited? Yes! It goes without saying I wouldn’t change my kids for the world.

There are good parents of all ages and bad parents of all ages of course but do I wish I’d been able to celebrate my pregnancy instead of wanting to hide it? Do I wish I’d been able to walk around with my baby with my head held high? Do I wish I’d felt welcome at parent and baby groups? Yes to all three.

There is a lot of judgement in western society, in some cultures teen pregnancy is the norm

Yes, in developing countries and in pretty fundamentalist religious communities where kids are married off as soon as they've gone through puberty because God forbid anyone should be tempted to have a normal sexual relationship outside of marriage and child bearing.

Is this really what you want our young people to aspire to?

And I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again. Most of the time the girls falling pregnant at 17/18/19 aren’t giving up an education/travelling etc because they are the ones who weren’t going to be doing it in the first place.

I don’t come from a family where teen pregnancy is a thing or expected at all - university was expected - but for so many reasons it didn’t feel like an option for me so I chose another path because I didn’t know what else to do.

nd I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again. Most of the time the girls falling pregnant at 17/18/19 aren’t giving up an education/travelling etc because they are the ones who weren’t going to be doing it in the first place

Exactly. And we shouldn't be telling them its a good option for them, and all they need is love. We should be telling them to aim higher, to make education or travel or a good job an ideal, instead of getting knocked up by the first guy who seems nice enough to get away from their own often not great homes.

I agree, no one should be shamed for having a baby at a young age or make judgements, but this attitude, annoys me:

Even then there is nothing wrong with single mothers claiming, it is what it’s their for.
It's not supposed to be there so that people can indescriminately go around producing children without any refard to paying for them!

regard

@sozzledsantax

*No-one said it is.

You really don't understand how statistics work. Or probability.

Think of it this way: if you are missing a leg, you can still be a great athlete. But in reality, you really really are unlikely to be one.
If you are 15 or 16 or 17 having a baby, you might be a brilliant, self sufficient, on top of it all mother. It's possible. But it's really very unlikely, isn't it?*

The statistics can say whatever they want to say, but not everyone is in the same situation. I don't think a disabled person is any less of a person who doesn't deserve the same respect for their hard work and determination, just like the age of a young mum who is trying her best is no less of a mother. Neither deserve to be judged or made to feel like they are not good enough based on statistics.
Statistics and narrow minded people like yourself fuel this judgement.
If a young mum's child was having a little tantrum in the supermarket majority would judge her based on her ability as a parent, not being mature or responsible enough.
If it was an older mum, less people would judge, more would sympathise with her, and assume she was just having one of those days, ugh we've all been through the terrible twos...
Why are they different based on age or statistics?
Oh because a child of a young parent situation is because they don't have a stable environment, mum didn't finish school, all the normally stereotypes, and not because its developmentally appropriate behaviour for that age...

You really don’t understand statistics. This is a ridiculously confused post.

@Cam2020

I agree, no one should be shamed for having a baby at a young age or make judgements, but this attitude, annoys me:

Even then there is nothing wrong with single mothers claiming, it is what it’s their for.
It's not supposed to be there so that people can indescriminately go around producing children without any refard to paying for them!

There is no connection between those two statements.

@sozzledsantax I think you’re a bit muddled about what statistics are.

I was a teen mum at 16. Being a mother seemed to come fairly easily to me and I had quite a lot of patience for my DC and was able to seek out good parenting advice from older relatives.
I can say this of myself now, having also been a mother again in my 30s and certainly not having quite the same patience or energy!

However, being a young parent isn't something to aspire to. It is hard, providing adequately for yourself and a child is so difficult and managing a teenage relationship/life on top can be really tricky. I was so fortunate to have supportive and loving parents who helped enormously and now have an incredible relationship with their dgc.

I would not recommend being a young parent to my DC because I would not want their life to be any more difficult than it ever needs to be.

I am married, own my home and I did go to university at 18. I don't regret the life I have lived but at times it could have been much, much easier.

*sozzled you haven't the first clue what you are talking about.

Answer one simple question: Is teen motherhood (under age 18) a valid life choice...is it a desirable goal at all?*

Do you know what you’re talking about? You originally quoted me because I said I don't think age necessarily determines what kind of parent you are. I still stand by that.
Is that saying it's a valid life choice, no. That has never been my argument. I’m not advocating teen pregnancy but should a teen find themselves in that situation I don’t believe there’s any reason that they’re not able to be as good as parent as anyone else. Age doesn't make anyone less of a mother.

You really don’t understand statistics. This is a ridiculously confused post.

I do understand statistics, I know they will tell you younger mums will struggle more. But I still don’t think that necessarily determines what kind of parent they are going to be, at all. Loads of other factors come in to parenting and many other mothers struggle regardless of their age.

I admire teen mothers because it must be incredibly tough. I would always try to chat to younger mums at toddler groups too, it must be fairly daunting/unappealing with a load of 30-40somethings!

What thread are you referring to please?

You absolutely should not be ashamed. Society forgets that biologically young mums are in the best physical shape to give birth to and care for children. It's a growing UK trend for mums to give birth much later in life. Not a good trend in my opinion.

@User56839 It has been deletedz

‘I do understand statistics, I know they will tell you younger mums will struggle more. But I still don’t think that necessarily determines what kind of parent they are going to be, at all. Loads of other factors come in to parenting and many other mothers struggle regardless..’

The stats tell us the children of younger (teen) Mums have poorer outcomes. They have lower education so attainment and and are more likely to be teen mums themselves.

There are a lot of factors at play here. Teen mums themselves tend to come from a More disadvantages background.

I agree you don’t seem to understand statistics.

@Fufumuji

Well I’ve certainly provided everything that my dc have needed

Have you provided them with the knowledge that teen pregnancy should not be a choice for them?

But even if a child has all of that if they don’t feel loved or have parents who aren’t able to offer love and emotional support it wouldn’t count for anything would it

And all the love in the world isn't enough when you can't feed and house your children, and when you haven't the ability to look after them properly. Love isn't all you need. That's a pop song, not real life.

Why should it not be a choice for them? I presume you aren't policing other people's choices?

Also, your second point is all well and good but a quick scroll of the threads will tell you , particularly at the moment, that that can happen to anyone.

There is a poster in here who is a teen single mum who has had a right time of it. I much prefer her posts to the 'hes been doing this shit behaviour for 15 years should I leave'. My point is, age means nothing. Life does

Age does mean something though doesn’t it? How can a 16 or 17 year old support a baby? Where does the money come from?

At that age they should be in school or college. Not everyone needs to go to university but I think it’s tragic that these girls and young women don’t see alternative paths.

*The stats tell us the children of younger (teen) Mums have poorer outcomes. They have lower education so attainment and and are more likely to be teen mums themselves.

There are a lot of factors at play here. Teen mums themselves tend to come from a More disadvantages background.

I agree you don’t seem to understand statistics.*

I do get all this but for me stats aren't as black and white.
Everyone from a more disadvantaged background is going to have poorer outcomes and lower education, the stats for these areas are always going to be bad regardless of the age people are having children. People are also more have more than 1 child within a few years, more likely to be broken families, have issues with drugs or alcohol, claim benefits, etc etc, But what is the real issue here? What is really the changing factor of that person becoming a 'decent' mother? Is it really just about their age?