To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

@Bluntness100, young Mum's are treated badly. But young women tend to get dismissed by professionals, so I think it's an extension of that. We don't treat young women well at all. It's as though we view them as needing knocking down a peg or two. What are they judging? The lack of abortions? This does come under women's rights, if we critically think about it, unless we know the full circumstances, there isn't anything to judge and only then, would I judge someone who knows they'll lose residency of their baby. Which I've seen. But then I wouldn't judge because there'd be issues outside the young person's control. It isn't our fault our bodies are fertile from such a young age. Or that parents/society lets so many people down. We don't judge the men getting vulnerable girls pregnant as much as we do the girls themselves, even though the girls make the best of it.

What’s been said is if you’re a teenager you’re more likely to need help than any other demographic. Very few, if any, are able to financially support and provide a home for their child with out family or tax payer support.

What is wrong with raising a child with family financial support?

My sister was 25 and needed financial and childcare support from our parents. She couldn't get a penny in benefits because her partner refused to take her name off the deeds of her house (which he had only done so his ex-wife couldn't get her hands on it) So, they said as a homeowner she had "savings" and got nothing.

Statistically a teenager having a child, is often from a disadvantaged background and they then raise a child also in a disadvantaged background, poverty, lack of education, unemployment, reliance on benefits
What a wonderful argument for closing the attainment gap rather than using it to make sweeping assumptions about teen parents.

Ponoka you need to give examples of how young women are treated badly. Not just keep stating it. Give examples of what you are referring to.

Minty, what’s wrong with raising a child with family financial support? What’s wrong with it, is when it is a requirement, a need, and the family can not really afford it or wish it, they have no choice. A family who can afford it, both in time and money and actively support is very different to a family who have to do it out of duty,

@Bluntness100

Ponoka you need to give examples of how young women are treated badly. Not just keep stating it. Give examples of what you are referring to.

Minty, what’s wrong with raising a child with family financial support? What’s wrong with it, is when it is a requirement, a need, and the family can not really afford it or wish it, they have no choice. A family who can afford it, both in time and money and actively support is very different to a family who have to do it out of duty,

Read any of the threads on here.

@Bluntness100

I’ve a feeling the op might not come back and engage further, which would be a shame. Because she raised a valid thread. And enabled an interesting discussion. She has had a difficult upbringing but she is focusing on how to do her best for her child and giving a lot of thought into how to parent, and she’s doing it in tough conditions. So her voice should be heard and I take my hat off to her.

So op. If you’re reading this, which I suspect you are, I hope you join in again.

Bluntness your out of order. Your posts to her have been awful - are you having a bad day? No wonder she hasn’t come back when you posting messages like those then saying her thread was interesting and you take your hat off to her - are you actually reading what your posted yourself Or is there two people on your account posting??

In bluntness’ defence, I don’t think there have been awful posts?
I think it’s actually been a good discussion from both sides.

@Bluntness100

I think though what’s sad is the op was unable to be honest, she didn’t want to admit she is from a disadvantaged background, living in one bedroom in her grans home, likely on benefits. That she was struggling and found it lonely, that she was the very statistic she was arguing against being a reality.

Instead she presented herself as a successful music producer, that her and her partner had been in a longer relationship than they have been, and they were the lucky ones who could financially provide a home without external support for their child, and how successful they were.

I understand why she did it though. But still sad she felt the need to paint such a sunny picture and couldn’t be honest about the reality of it.

sendhelp this post is awful, reaching and sarcastic. It’s exactly posts like this why the OP isn’t coming back - then Bluntness comes back with that they take their hat off too her. Yeah right.

I was a teen mum, I was pregnant before I left school. He is now a teenager 😭 he is doing incredibly well. He has always had a roof over his head, food on the table. He has done well at school and competes In 2 sports.
I have worked since the day he turned 7 months old.
We own a house, he now has 2 younger siblings.
I don’t think I can do any better a job now with my youngest than I did with him.

sendhelp this post is awful, reaching and sarcastic. It’s exactly posts like this why the OP isn’t coming back - then Bluntness comes back with that they take their hat off too her. Yeah right

What! That post is genuine and factual. You’re reading something that’s not there, what ever is causing your reaction, do not project it onto me. Because you’re very wrong,

@Bluntness100

sendhelp this post is awful, reaching and sarcastic. It’s exactly posts like this why the OP isn’t coming back - then Bluntness comes back with that they take their hat off too her. Yeah right

What! That post is genuine and factual. You’re reading something that’s not there, what ever is causing your reaction, do not project it onto me. Because you’re very wrong,

Where has the OP said she lives in a bed room at her grans on benefits struggling and found it lonely?

Hi, I’m a teen mum, 18 to be exact, my baby is 6 months now. I live with my grandmother due to an alcoholic mother and abuse when I was a child, I have lived here for a few years.

My baby, boyfriend and I share a room, obviously fine now as she’s a baby, but I worry about when she turns 1 or 2, will it affect her development or sleep habits? We would like our own home but that’s just not an option at the moment as I also care for my grandmother.
I think I just feel really guilty, I want my daughter to have a better life than I have had, but she has to share with us until she’s probably about 5.

Some reassurance or just the harsh truth? I just need some outside opinions.

This was one you can see on a separate post

Where has the OP said she lives in a bed room at her grans on benefits struggling and found it lonely?

On her other threads, various posters have refered to it.

My DD born at 18 is severely dyslexic and has ADHD. I think being younger gave me an open mind when it came to SN, especially as it was a time when both conditions still wasn't believed to be true, even by teachers

Unless you are hundred years old this is pure nonsense.

All this "never did me any harm" nonsense....you must be trying to convince yourself, because no-one here is buying it. A 16 year old may be a good enough mother, but they are not mentally or financially or developmentally equipped to be one, in reality.
The fact that you keep talking about how its a valid life choice and just as good as having a child at 30 just shows your immaturity and inability to understand the reality.

I feel sorry for the OP. She started this thread to say that teen mums are just as good and how she has it all sorted...but in reality she has all the problems that we are talking about here, and all the limitations that come with it. She is perpetuating a cycle of dependency, low aspirations and teen pregnancy. I hope it works out for her, really, but she's going to need to accept reality for that to happen.

Anyone who would want you to feel ashamed is BVU.

@Fufumuji that is not age related all the time though and not the same for everyone.
There is plenty of people much older who are not financially stable etc
It is not only teen mums in that situation.

His thread is heartbreaking,

A young woman who dreams of a world where he is a successful music producer, living a full life with her baby.

So she wanted to escape from reality for a while. Her life sounds like a struggle, she is lonely, broke and Fears for her future.

I am sure she is a fantastic mum, and the stories of how people have managed in similar circumstances are bound to have helped her.

I hope most people are agreed that having a baby at 16 or 17 is not ideal. But it’s not the end of the world either. It just makes life that bit harder.

I had my DCs at 19, 24 & 36.

There are pros & cons of having a baby at any age. One thing that may come with maturity is learning to ignore hurtful comments from strangers. That’s where happiness lies.

No stranger on the internet can tell you if you’re a good or bad mother without much information than just your age.

@Seasaltyhair it’s neither reaching nor sarcastic. Those were previous posts from the OP.

This is why I’d like the op to come back, I’m not sure she is wholly perpetuating a cycle. Her previous threads indicate to me she’s thinking very hard about how to parent. And trying to put it into place, I think that’s admirable

I also grew up in an abusive home, so I fully understand that overwhelming desire to do better than your parents, to not parent as they did. And I think she’s trying to do that and taking it very seriously, so in this way, I think she’s trying to break the cycle of the conditions of her child hood.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel annoyed and upset by bias comments towards you.

But then that’s women isnt it. We cannot get it right no matter what we do.

I am an older mother. I’ve heard plenty of women talk about how they wouldn’t have kids over the age of 30 / 35 / 40 etc. How they would be embarrassed and ashamed to be the oldest mum in the playground.

So whilst YANBU to feel pissed off at the comments which seem a personal slight towards you - what you should really be pissed off at is the way society tells us no matter what we do - we’re wrong.

Too old / too young / working / SAHM / too involved / not involved enough / with the dad / single parent.... the list goes on.

If there’s a stick to bash a woman with, then it’ll get used.

@2020iscancelled spot on, I get jumped on by other posters a lot because I earn good money and own a house despite having my son young and second child having medical needs.
It’s like they absolutely can not believe that I worked hard and managed to make a life for us.
I had help yes which I never denied.
I had to post evidence of my daughters medical supplies the other day to prove I wasn’t a troll all because they can’t believe I made something of my life 🙈

I can only go by personal experience as I don't know too many teen mums. DM & DF were teen parents and I don't really want to go into details here but it didn't work out well for us. There are many regrets. One of my best mates was a teen mum and only recently realised she was groomed. It's not what I chose for myself or would want for my children but it's great if it's working out for you. I guess what I'm trying to say is posters tend to project from personal experience. I've read quite a few posts on here from successful posters who were teen mums. Best of luck.

that is not age related all the time though and not the same for everyone.There is plenty of people much older who are not financially stable etcIt is not only teen mums in that situation

That is true but entirely misses the point. In teen mothers, its almost guaranteed. If you want one single indicator that will predict a poor outcome on all the metrics listed, its having or being a teen mother under the age of 18.
It's like the opposite of a silver bullet.

Why are people arguing this point? We ALL know that having a baby under the age of 18 is a bad thing. Everyone of us knows that and not one of us want it for our own daughters. So why all the " I know someone who had a baby at 14 and is now Queen of the Universe" nonsense?

It's like the opposite of a silver bullet.
You'll give birth to a live werewolf?

@Fufumuji I don’t think it’s ideal for teenagers to have children- I was one. I wouldn’t recommend in to my Dc because I was then to venture out see the world etc.
I am no way saying teens so or actively go out and get pregnant. However it doesn’t mean the children will have a terrible life or not be looked after any less than some 30-40 year olds.
Also it’s not a certain of anything I have never claimed benefits etc so it is doable but yes I get many would have to just like many other families who are older.

There’s a difference in saying that getting pregnant isn’t ideal and takes help to saying it will continue to be an issue forever.