Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[Mrsmadevans]

@Mimipo

Now I’m older and wiser, I do find it concerning that a man in his mid 30s was seriously interested in a woman in her early 20s

I don’t mean this in a horrible way at all and I think age gaps are fine when older

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them

This may not be the case with your partner

Just make sure it isn’t

You are very young, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way at all

You have time - only you know him and the dynamics in your relationship

So my female Friend has been married to her husband for 13 years she is 13 years older than him , he was involved with her sil who was 19 years older than him. The sil has a child by him and so does my friend. My friend was 40 when she had her Dd with him, her sil was 40 too. He was 19 when she the sil had her child by him she was 40. My friend had an affair with him & became pregnant , she was 40 when she had her Dd by him he was 27. My friend feels awful about it , then again he was 27 not 19. Still they are happy of sorts , she bends over backwards to keep him and he is a grade A asshole, ruling the roost and having everything he wants, my friend is running scared he will do the same to her ie have an affair and get someone else pregnant , who knows. However my point is that the tables were well and truly reversed here & does anyone find it 'concerning' ? I am truly intrigued .

[TatianaBis]

To me it sounds more like she thinks he’s not worthy of you than it being specifically about age. The age thing is simply the peg she’s hung it on.

[OhCaptain]

@Ikora

DH is my contemporary at 2 years younger, we laugh about what was on tv when we were children together and stuff like that. Im glad we do but is is hard to find a life partner if you have one with an age gap you have one with an age gap. It’s a big late now as you have a child anyway :) just stop listening to your grumpy mate.

Funnily enough people have relationships based on more than kids tv shows...

[littlepattilou]

Is anyone else's head spinning after reading the post by @Mrsmadevans ^ ?

[AlternativePerspective]

TBH I’d be wondering if there were other concerns which your friend doesn’t feel she can mention, and because the age gap is there she has used that as a reason to place doubt in your mind.

If you were really sure about this relationship you wouldn’t even have paid attention to what she said, so why did you? Is there something else here which is making you doubt your decisions?

I don’t think that it’s a case of saying that an age gap relationship is always good or always bad. At 26 and 39 I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a couple who had just got together, but I would be a bit at a 35 year old wanting to be with a 22 year old which is when you got together, at a time in your life when you would have been particularly impressionable

At the time I would almost certainly question what his motives were, and then if he showed other behaviours which showed him in a lesser light I would maybe make mention of the age gap because it was the thing I had questioned in the beginning.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

What is she like with a friend? If she’s a good friend otherwise I would consider why she’s saying this. When we were in our 20s one of my friends was in a similar age gap relationship and he was totally stringing her along with cancelled weddings etc (despite what people are saying here cancelling a wedding during Lockdown is not normal. He could have married you but chose not to). He then met someone his age, left my friends and their kids without anything, and got married within months of leaving her.

In the meantime he had convinced her to dump all of her friends who loved her enough to tell her to split up with him. It took her ages to get some of her friendships back on track.

So from that perspective think carefully and objectively and seek advice with people you trust . It’s easy to get carried away in a relationship

[Mrsmadevans]

@littlepattilou

Is anyone else's head spinning after reading the post by *@Mrsmadevans* ^ ?

AMA l will summarise
My friend had an affair with her bil , who had a child with her sil, then had a child with her , he is 13 years younger than her and 21 years younger than her sil . Does that help

[RuralJuror]

A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young

I married a man two years younger than me and he died when he was 50. There are no guarantees in life so enjoy any happiness when you find it.

[Mummadeze]

26 and 39 sounds completely normal to me if you are in the same kind of headspace about life stages. Just tell your friend you don’t want to hear negativity about your relationship. It is rude of her to comment.

[KissCass]

He wasn't on the prowl for a younger girl, he had been single for 3 years after splitting with his ex (3 years younger than him). They broke up on amicable terms, they just drifted apart. I met him in a running club we were both in, I pursued him actually, asked if he wanted to go for a coffee after it one day and we really got on. I didn't ask his age, he didn't ask mine to start with, when we did a few dates down the line he'd assumed I was mid/late twenties and I'd thought he'd be about 30. We both joked that we wouldn't of come up on each other's tinders as we had different age ranges set but it just worked and we clicked. He's never been controlling towards me, lets me live my life and has the same interests as me. On paper if someone had said would I be with someone over 10 years older I'd of said no too, but it just happened that way.

[Thenose]

I despair when people don't communicate in a straightforward way in their relationships. Your friend's comments appear stupid, but you don't have to fall out over them. It's much better to address disagreements when they happen. Next time somebody says something you're uncomfortable with: ask them about it, examine it, point out the inconsistencies, tell them you disagree. You'll feel much better.

[littlepattilou]

@Mrsmadevans

That's a bit better thanks!

[Mimipo]

No because women tend not to be controlling in the same way women are in these dynamics allMrsmadevans my opinion for what it's worth.

[Mimipo]

Typo - should read:

No because most women tend not to be controlling in the same way some men are in these dynamics allMrsmadevans my opinion for what it's worth.

[whoamongstus]

Your friend sounds like a dick, BUT I do find something a little suspect about a 35 year old man getting with a 22 year old woman. That's (often) a biiiiig life experience gap, and maybe she's still in that mindset?

[Achangeagain1]

I know everyone says it’s ok and if you’re compatible than great. BUT I’m your DPs age and honestly I don’t know how I’d have anything in common with a 26 year old in terms of having a relationship.

[Achangeagain1]

And actually when I was about 24 I went out wirh a 39 year old - and you know what - it was weird. He wasn’t controlling but he certainly “liked” having a younger woman.

(My dh is 3 years younger than I am though)

[poppyzbrite4]

Watch Harold and Maude.

[AnnaSW1]

This definitely sounds like her issue not yours.

[Mrsmadevans]

@Mimipo

Typo - should read:

No because most women tend not to be controlling in the same way some men are in these dynamics allMrsmadevans my opinion for what it's worth.

I don't know if you are right but l do think it's very brave of you to say that here . I am awaiting the flaming and ducking my head under the parapet
However l do think my Friends Dh was taken advantage of by the both women. They both became pregnant without a thought for him, it was both of their last chance saloon to be Mothers . He was an idiot but only 18 when the sil 40, became pregnant . He has made my friend pay for it in financial terms though. She had a non mortgaged house & a good job at 40 and the house has been remortgaged several times to buy him a holiday time share in Spain, now given up with no recompense, 3 x Caravans in Bude all gone now , wetsuits , several VW Camper vans , surf boards (he went through a surfer dude stage) , a Tiguan, a Range Rover , several Golfs , numerous Laptops, lpads, expensive tickets for concerts & sporting matches , holidays abroad think New York x 3 for instance , gym subscriptions & equipment , expensive protein foods /supplements , Iphones, Branded clothes, Converse/Nike trainers , the list goes on & it is also never ending . My friend has a part time job and a huge mortgage now at the age of 53.

[Onesailwait]

Its odd isn't it the reaction to relationships with an age gap. Its hurtful that your friend passed judgement but it's not an uncommon view. If your partner posted this here he would be called a sad pervert and you would be framed as a vulnerable young woman who has been groomed by this cunning older predator. Distance yourself from the negative and invest your time in the people that bring joy & support to your life.

[OhCaptain]

Equally if a woman posted that she was interested in a younger man she'd be getting giggles and pats on the back, being told to go for it.

"I wouldn't have anything in common with a 26 year old" as though it's evidence that it couldn't possibly work out.

It's madness.

You know, ageism is often bemoaned on here (rightly so) yet there seems to be no such compunction when posters talk about younger women...

[Bellringer]

Half his age plus 7 is a good guide to what is suitable. Age gaps get less as time passes. Take no notice of jealous friends

[DeeCeeCherry]

You place way too much value on what your friends say. Theyve overstepped the mark with you, making personal hurtful remarks about your relationship and partner, because they're nasty and know you won't challenge that.

Why can't you tell them to mind their own business? Are you in need of their validation that much? Or do you over-share about your relationship so they feel they can say what they like?

What do they do when they see your partner, smile and greet nicely then bitch about him with ageist comments behind his back?

It's unpleasant and you'd be better off distancing from that kind of "friend".

[billy1966]

I'm another person who would feel that is a large gap, you being 22 and him in his mid 30's.

However you are happy, he treats you well and the choice is ultimately your alsone.

Your friends remark is not nice and not a kind thing to say.

Make it clear to her that you don't want to hear that type of comment from her again and if she does it will cause issues for you.

Her comments when you started going out together were the sort of comments that a friend who was concerned might make BUT you are getting married so her opinion is no longer relevant nor wanted.

Best of luck