Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[Suzi888]

It’s not a huge age gap in my opinion and people can die at any age.
It’s truly your life and your decision. Have you ever expressed concerns to your friend about the age difference? She may be concerned, if she’s only mentioned it once, I’d say her intentions were good. If she’s mentioning it all the time then I’d be annoyed.

[SoulofanAggron]

It will actually seem less the older you get. Once you get to 40, he will be 53, which is not that big a gap at all.

Iloveall-
A lot of women still look ok at 40 whereas at 53 their partners look rough. Also men start to be impotent more often, whereas if such a woman of 40 had a man her own age, they wouldn't be.

Also, you know he won't trade you in for a younger model!

@ILoveAllRainbowsx Of course they often would if given the opportunity. Youth/looks is part of what they were attracted to.

[MsTSwift]

My view would depend where I thought her advice came from. If she’s been a good friend and genuinely has your best interests at heart I would cut her some slack. She might feel she needs to “say her piece” to be a good friend and live with her conscience. To me it’s a large age gap but if you ok with it is of course your choice and people need to respect that. Not for me though dh 3 years younger 😁.

[Taylrse]

I don't find that a big age gap at all. I've dated men 20 years older than me before.

I understand when people say he is likely to die before you. However you could get hit by a bus tomorrow or suddenly become ill and he would be the on left behind.
So don't live your life for other people

[LaMainDeFatima]

My DH is 12 years older , different religion, language, class, colour, everything! But nearly 25 years later we are still doing strong because we understand each other . being different to me is part of the attraction as he also provides different perspectives on situations.

Your friend needs to be binned off. They sound narrow minded . Surround yourself with people that don't knock you down

[Rainydays14]

Your “friend” sounds jealous of your relationship to me. Just two little examples for you. Friend one, met her husband when she was 38, he was 13 years older (so had been previously married with grown up children). They had two children and are still married and well 20 odd years later.

Friend two, married to a husband the same age as her, sadly he developed cancer and died at 52, leaving her on her own with their teenage children.

My elderly aunt had a 20 year age gap with her husband, and still predeceased him at the age of 75 (he followed shortly after at 95).

Do what is right for you and ignore the nay sayers.

[Snarfblaff]

Well providing there are no issues in your relationship and your friend isn't worried about, for example, your safety/his controlling nature/domestic abuse etc, then I personally I think it's none of your friend's business and I think she's very rude to be so openly against your relationship.

However, maybe there is something about him that she doesn't feel is good enough for you.

My BIL met his girlfriend when he was 40 and she was 24, and he has literally sucked all life from her. He's old for his years and doesn't enjoy doing anything remotely fun. He never goes out. He doesn't like spending money so they never eat out, go to the cinema, go on holiday. Nothing. Prior to Covid they spent all weekend, EVERY weekend, sat at my in-laws watching tv. He doesn't like her going out with her friends because she usually comes home drunk so now she leaves early from everything and doesn't really drink (this is despite the fact he enjoyed his 20s drinking and having fun with his friends). She was a real go getter before she met him- travelling, sky diving, swimming with sharks etc but now she just sits at home with him doing nothing. Her sparkle has gone. For her, an age gap relationship has not been good.

However, I have a friend who is 27 and is married to a 52 year old and their relationship is amazing. Strong, full of laughter and adventure. The complete opposite to my BIL's relationship.

I don't know what your relationship is like but maybe there is something that is worrying your friend about your relationship that is making her so against it?

[Joinedjustforthispost]

Op ignore others ignorant comments! My dh who I’ve married had 3 children with and been together for 13 years is 14 years older and I can honestly say age is nothing. We’re still happy, I’m not bored or stuck in bed by 7pm reading the TV guide. I do worry about being widowed but it’s due to my middle child being severely disabled I’d very much struggle on my own . I can honestly say I’d rather be widowed and be with my best freind than someone younger just for society or fear of being on my own .

[Aprilx]

When I was your age I was with somebody who was 14 years older than me. It really was fine then, but now I am 50 I am glad that the relationship did not last. I would find the age gap too much now, He would be getting ready to retire and I would have another 17 years to go.

So, for me, it would be too big an age gap. But you have already started a family with this man, so I think it is too late to decide the age gap is not correct

[shindiggery]

That is not a big gap!! I think your friends are being immature.

[MondeoFan]

I know someone who is 43 and her husband is 65. He is 22 years older than her. I think it's a bit weird tbh and always have. It's none of my business but I can't help thinking she sees him as a father figure. She has never met her real dad or even knew him. I know the age gap causes some issues as she tells me. He never wants to do anything or go out etc. Not that we can do much of that as in lockdown. I've seen photos of him and he could actually pass for 75.
In your case I don't think 13 years is too big and if he lives until he's 85 you'll be 72 anyway.

[PumpkinCroutons]

13 years is nothing.

23 years between H and I and we have been together 20 years, married for 17. 2 DCs.

I was in love and truly met the person for me. DH is the same age as my parents and their response was 'Isn't it wonderful you have met someone you love who loves you back'. And that is the start and the end of it really.

Good things;

DH was retired by the time the Dcs came along and so was a SAHD while I worked.

DH had had a efw bad relationships before (as had I0 and so we never take each other for granted.

I always feel really young, even though I am now menopausal!

Not so good things

• DH has been retired and I am a fair way off it and so we are unlikely to have 'golden years' together
  

• people always assume I am a gold digger because he was pretty wealthy
  

• I know and have come t terms with the fact I am likely to be a widow for a long time
  

• on occasion he got more tired and less able to go out and party when i wanted to do those things.
  

But at the end of the day- he is my soulmate. I thank the Lord every day for him. love does not come all neatly packaged and aligned. Love comes when it comes- if you are lucky. I decided to take full advantage of love when it was offered to me, and have never ever felt any regret.

DH is now exhibiting some early stages of dementia. It is something I need to think about and consider. But no matter what happens, we had decades of a wonderful joint life together and I will never ever regret that or take it for granted.

[SlatternIsMyMiddleName]

My DH is 16 years older than me. We gave been together 20 years, have a family and are very happy together.

Love and respect maketh the marriage. Not dates of birth.

[aninchandahalf]

My dad was a year younger than my mum, and he died 16 years before she did. There is absolutely no telling what lies in the future.

The only other thing I can think of is that your friend has another reason for disliking your DP but she doesn't feel able to tell you why.

[Woodlandbelle]

Friend is jealous to be honest
Why on earth would she make these comments when you have a child together. Distance yourself from her. How would you feel If you dumped your parter and your friend shacked up with a much older man?
I bet you woundn't act like her.

[MacDuffsMuff]

It's only 13 years and you're both adults. Nothing to do with anyone else.

[YouShouldLeave]

I agree with your friend.

13 years is a lot.

Try and make sure there isin’t power impalance at least before you’re stuck with him.

[Ileflottante]

It’s can only 13 years! Your friends sound immature and overly dramatic. He’s not even 40!

Encouraging you to leave the father of your child and the person you love because of a 13 year age gap, just in case you’re windowed is

[Mimipo]

Agree with Bumpitybumper

[Proudboomer]

Some people just can’t bear to see someone else happy and so have to nit pick.
I married a man about the same age. Had 30 happy years but was a widow by 52.
A relative married a man 22 years older than her. She went though a major health problem 20 years into her marriage which he nursed her through and then they went on to have another 25 years of happy marriage. She was widowed in her 70’s and he enjoyed good health up until the last couple of years of his life and died of a massive stroke whilst they were on holiday.
No one knows what is around the corner so grab on to what makes you happy now.

[Jux]

She sounds jealous, tbh.

I could give you countless examples of LTRs between people whose ages are far apart, all life long and very happy. but loads of people have done that already. Suffice to say, live YOUR life and be happy. I hope you have many lovely years together.

[Meowchickameowmeow]

I'm much older than my other half, we've out lasted lots of other same age relationships and marriages.
It's not our ages that make us compatible it's who we are and what we are to each other.

[Hapixmas]

I would say age gaps become less noticeable the older you get and not the other way round! It seems like a big age gap to me at your age but as you get older these things become less noticeable. Don't listen to her. You're happy and THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!!!

[partypooperforever]

What a horrible friend....she should be happy for you. There is no place in your life for her- cut her out
Sounds as though she is jealous

[Mimipo]

Now I’m older and wiser, I do find it concerning that a man in his mid 30s was seriously interested in a woman in her early 20s

I don’t mean this in a horrible way at all and I think age gaps are fine when older

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them

This may not be the case with your partner

Just make sure it isn’t

You are very young, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way at all

You have time - only you know him and the dynamics in your relationship