Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[Bluntness100]

She’s just jealous.

However what concerns me is how much store you set by what she says and what others think.

[Mimipo]

I’m not alone in my view - the responses to this post would have been very different had the OP posted on the relationship board

Mrsmadevans

[LAgeDeRaisin]

I can't be bothered with the whole 'I'd have nothing in common with an x year old' or 'what would we talk about' or that young women going out with older men are thick, or he's just interested in her looks, or that she's just after his money.

When I was 25 I was a cambridge grad, doctor, and my main hobbies were gardening, cooking and I read extensively. Pretty geriatric interests all round.

Of course he also found me attractive, but it's not as if all women in their 20's don't know their arse from their elbow. I challenged him intellectually. He challenged me. I was independently successful; so was he.

When I was in my mid 20s I wanted to meet someone and start having children by my late 20s/early 30s, because fertility drops pretty steeply in your 30s. Perhaps exacerbated by doctors seeing lots of couples who struggle, and not often seeing those who don't. Men aged 25 were just starting out in their careers, not settled, and few were interested in marriage or children in the near future. I have a few friends now who stayed with these men until their mid 30s and are now single and worried about fertility, because they stayed with men of the same age who 'weren't ready'... and it turned out they never would be.

There are positives and negatives to any relationship. For me there will always be the worry that he will likely die before me, but to balance that, I found someone I loved, who loves me, who makes me happy, and who wanted the same things as me in life.

I might spend my later years alone, perhaps I'll meet someone else, perhaps I'll just enjoy my children/grandchildren and friends.

I think there are many things to consider OP, but age shouldn't be the only deciding factor, especially if you are otherwise very happy.

Do what feels right for you.

[Mimipo]

littlepattilou I guess you didn’t read the part where I said I wasn’t being condescending or rude with my comment - 26 is young! It’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing. Try reading.

[Mimipo]

@KissCass

He wasn't on the prowl for a younger girl, he had been single for 3 years after splitting with his ex (3 years younger than him). They broke up on amicable terms, they just drifted apart. I met him in a running club we were both in, I pursued him actually, asked if he wanted to go for a coffee after it one day and we really got on. I didn't ask his age, he didn't ask mine to start with, when we did a few dates down the line he'd assumed I was mid/late twenties and I'd thought he'd be about 30. We both joked that we wouldn't of come up on each other's tinders as we had different age ranges set but it just worked and we clicked. He's never been controlling towards me, lets me live my life and has the same interests as me. On paper if someone had said would I be with someone over 10 years older I'd of said no too, but it just happened that way.

Glad you’re happy OP - as I said, only you will only your relationship.

[Mimipo]

By 26 I had two degrees, had lived abs worked abroad, and purchased a home - all on my own. I was still very young.

HighSpecWhistle ohcaptain

[Achangeagain1]

@Bluntness100

She’s just jealous.

However what concerns me is how much store you set by what she says and what others think.

I’m not sure that she is jealous. We can only go on what the OP says here, but it could be concerning that the friend is even raising this.
The “your young and beautiful and could have a better life with someone else” is quite a strong viewpoint to have only over the age gap if OP is otherwise happy.

[OhCaptain]

@Mimipo

By 26 I had two degrees, had lived abs worked abroad, and purchased a home - all on my own. I was still very young.

HighSpecWhistle ohcaptain

Still not too young to have chosen the person you envision spending the rest of your life with.

[Mimipo]

OhCaptain no I never said that and never meant that

[Mimipo]

And on a personal level, I’m glad I waited until my 30s to pick a life partner

It’s OP’s life and she’s still young and has time and opportunity - that was my point, it’s a good thing ohcaptain

[Thewithesarehere]

@dottiedodah

Seems to work OK for Boris and his Fiancee!

Bleurgh!

[Thewithesarehere]

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them
In my experience, I have NEVER seen a couple where the woman was the older partner. NEVER. All the relationships I have seen involved women who were abused, had faced domestic violence or were after the guy’s financial stability because they didn’t want to work.

[HereWeGoAgainhaha]

I think you may notice the gap a bit when you're 45 & hes 58 and you're still wanting to get out and hes ready to be in bed by 10, but who cares. You have to live in the moment. You love him, you have a child together and you want to get married. If your best friend was a true best friend they'd be there to pick up the pieces if it was to go wrong, not to insult you and your intentions.

[Bellringer]

My aunt married at 18, husband 10years older. 3 kids and happily still together at golden wedding. Not always easy I'm sure but a successful loving partnership and family

[MustardMitt]

@LAgeDeRaisin what about when you were 22?

[Bellringer]

Plenty of women with younger guys too, what is the problem

[Thewithesarehere]

@Bellringer

Plenty of women with younger guys too, what is the problem

What are the stats on that? Yup, not very strong at all.

[KissCass]

@HereWeGoAgainhaha

I think you may notice the gap a bit when you're 45 & hes 58 and you're still wanting to get out and hes ready to be in bed by 10, but who cares. You have to live in the moment. You love him, you have a child together and you want to get married. If your best friend was a true best friend they'd be there to pick up the pieces if it was to go wrong, not to insult you and your intentions.

I'm in bed by 10pm myself he stays up later than me!

I do of course understand the point, but I'm a bit of a homebody anyway. We run together, it's our shared hobby and how we met, we like the same movies/tv/music, we spend most our time our son is asleep just relaxing together with tv, or games nights, sometimes just background music and a chat. I have a few friends I (pre Covid) go out for drinks with a couple of times a month but that would be the same even if he was younger, it's a girls night and no one brings their husbands. I have close friends with kids who I go on days out with when he's working, I have 6 siblings who are all friends as well. I have a good mix of life with and without him and I can't see what will really change with age here, to be honest. Admittedly he'll probably stop running before me but by that time I'll probably be happy to slow down to my speed (he runs fast) and hopefully he'll stay attractive and athletic due to his fitness.

I also understand the stereotype of an older more powerful man finding and controlling a young woman. It does make me sad to think people may think of us, when we met authentically at our running club and I pursued him. Maybe wrongly neither of us asked each other's age at the first few dates but we were both surprised to find out the gap was what it was, we assumed it would be within 5-8 years rather than 12. The comments about how people a similar age would have nothing in common with someone my age. that's the thing, we just did. It totally depends on the person and what stage of life you're in. If you're 40 with kids chatting to a 26 year old who goes clubbing every night then no, but I'm not that and neither are a lot of people my age. I asked him for coffee and we chatted about life and had so much in common, the same music, the same films, we'd travelled to lots of the same places, we worked in similar industries. The next date he asked me to go see a local band that was the genre we'd both spoke about liking, it just flowed so nicely and was really authentic. He encourages me to have friendships and maintain a social life, gets on well with my family and just slotted into my life.

I have PCOS and knew it could take me years to conceive, I wanted to start around 25/26 so I didn't alter my life for him. It just worked all around. Admittedly he earns more than me, but doesn't hold it over me at all and we don't have my money or his money, it's family money and we all have access to it. We bought a house together and despite me not having much for the deposit and him paying almost all we still put me on the mortgage/deeds and not a word was said about it. There's no control issue at all and I'm over explaining myself here I know but I just hate this stereotype of he must be creepy or weird or controlling when we are such a normal couple that happened in such a normal way.

And I think some people are misunderstanding the thread, I have not once considered leaving him due to her comments I was just hurt that she said that, and hurt that people may be looking at us in the way I felt she was implying.

[OhCaptain]

@Thewithesarehere

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them
In my experience, I have NEVER seen a couple where the woman was the older partner. NEVER. All the relationships I have seen involved women who were abused, had faced domestic violence or were after the guy’s financial stability because they didn’t want to work.

You need to expand your circle because that’s quite the fucked up crowd you know...

[Embroideredstars]

Ignore her!

I know a couple of couples with similar age gaps who are happy and have children together it isnt that large even when you're elderly.

She's an idiot because even if you didn't marry each other or even stay together you still have a child together and the unlikely event of him "dying early" you still have the trauma and bereavement of going g through that with your child.

She sounds foolish and immature and I'd be considering how much value she offers you as a friend really, she certainly has no understanding of what makes a good relationship. Hope you have lovely wedding soon x

[Thewithesarehere]

@OhCaptain
It’s big enough, thank you. Vast majority of them have an age gap of 3/4 yes max and have healthy relationships, working hard after studying hard and raising children together. It’s too big a contrast to ignore. Here is an idea: don't take my post too personally as I was sharing my own experience. What hit home?

[Ireolu]

There's 9 years between my parents. They have been together 45 years. Ignore your faux friend.

[Feedingthebirds1]

My friend's mother is seven years older than her DH. 55 years and counting, they're still together.

[Embroideredstars]

Just read the last couple of comments omg that's some assumption on a 13 year age gap. The op is no teen being preyed upon by an older man. Your relationship seems perfectly normal to me.

In the couples I know the woman very much wears the trousers anyway!

I'd step away from the thread op if that's what folk are saying, like you said your question was to what to about the friend not whether she was in the right to say such stuff and not to invite judgement upon your relationship.

[OhCaptain]

[quote Thewithesarehere]@OhCaptain
It’s big enough, thank you. Vast majority of them have an age gap of 3/4 yes max and have healthy relationships, working hard after studying hard and raising children together. It’s too big a contrast to ignore. Here is an idea: don't take my post too personally as I was sharing my own experience. What hit home?[/quote]
What on earth are you talking about?

I find it bizarre that every single age gap relationship you’ve ever known has involved DV, abuse, or gold-digging.

I think most people would be shocked at that.

But then, we can’t possibly know if you’re telling the truth so maybe you’re full of shit! 🤷🏻‍♀️