Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[KissCass]

To answer a few questions

Yes she's single
She has one child
I honestly haven't told her anything bad about him or our relationship, we don't really argue, we occasionally bicker as all couples do but never about anything serious. He's a brilliant hands on dad, does his fair share around the house and treats me well. There's nothing at all worthy of saying to leave him over.

[momonpurpose]

This is the same age gap my parents had. Everyone said my dad married my mom to have some one to take care of when he was old. Guess what...he was the one who was my mom's caregiver after her stroke and broken hip. He was 81 at the time so you just never know what life has in store. Do not listen to your friend.

[coldsunnydays]

Tell her that it is none of her business, you don't welcome her comments and she isn't to comment on this to you again.

[MaelyssQ]

Take no notice. The age gap isn't massive and plenty of people live long and happy lives together. I recently cared for a 94 year old and his much younger wife of 79 would video call him daily until he was well again and discharged home. They were such a sweet couple.

[Countrywalking]

In that case OP you have every right to tell her to sod off
I thought wrongly that maybe she was concerned because you'd confided in her about your relationship. If you haven't then it's bizarre behaviour.
There is an 8 year age gap with me and my husband. My friend in her 50s has a 10 year age gap and did say it's more noticeable as you get older (not sure I agree) but your friend has zero experience of being older in an age gap relationship so she has no right to raise it as an issue.
I can't ever imagine sticking my nose in someone else's relationship.

[GrallaceandWomit]

You’re the same ages as DH & I and we have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old DS. No problems here at all! If you’re happy you’re happy!

[Norwayreally]

She isn’t a true friend. You have been together for four years and have a child together so clearly love one another, you shouldn’t leave him at this point purely because of the age gap. It’s never mattered to you before so why would it suddenly matter now? Your ‘friend’ honestly sounds like a dick. 13 years isn’t a large age gap anyway, he’s not exactly old enough to be your Dad.

One of my old school friend’s is with a man 35 years her senior, she started dating him when she was 19 as well so lots of people had something to say about that. They’re still happy a decade later so who cares really? That’s a huge age gap though, he has children around her age and he’s 64 now. I can’t imagine having very much in common with a 64 year old but that’s just me, clearly they do have a lot in common!

[Bumpitybumper]

Personally I'm not a huge fan of age gap relationships and think they are generally more problematic and risky than relationships without the age gap. This doesn't mean that all age gap relationships are intrinsically bad, but I do think that they lend themselves to unbalanced dynamics and seem to attract men who like to have control and greater life experience than their partner. To reiterate, I'm not saying this is always the case but I have observed these traits in proportionally many more of the age gap relationships I have known than relationships where both parties are of a similar age. Has your friend perhaps noticed this kind of setup in your own relationship and tried to voice her concerns?

[tsmainsqueeze]

@KissCass

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

Some friend ! its no ones business who you choose to spend your life with , my husband is 10 years older than me , not once have i experienced a negative comment about it .
I don't give a stuff what anyone thinks about us ,we love each other that's it .
I know there's a good chance he will go before me but none of us know what's round the corner.
My relatives marriage had a 20 year age gap , they had a great bond .
Has it crossed your mind she may be jealous of your relationship ?
Do your own thing marry the man you love and live happily ever after !
Think i would ditch the friend .

[PeppermintSoda]

If they're the right person they're the right person. People can die at any age, but 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s is probably quite common, so you can't tell when it'll be. But then dh was slightly younger than me and died before me so...

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

@AKissAndASmile

TheGoodEnoughWife

Oh I know this! Apparently 4yrs and 4mths is the ideal age gap.

That's so funny! My husband and I had this exact age gap. We got divorced.

Probably not an exact science then!

My dh and I have 4yrs 2mths and it works for us but we work well so it has little to do with the age gap probably.

I can't remember if it was man older or didn't matter. But if it was it probably held quite a lot of boring stereotypes in there!

I just always remember reading the 'ideal'

[dottiedodah]

Seems to work OK for Boris and his Fiancee!

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

@Birdladybird

I don’t think you have a large age gap at all. I have a 22 year age gap, yes I might be widowed young but I’d rather have the years of happiness with the man I love than not because he is older. My grandad died when he was 48, no one knows what’s going to happen!

There's a 20 year age gap between DH and I and I feel exactly the same as you.

OP if any of my friends had come out with that they would be ex friends.

[AliceMcK]

It’s none of anyone else’s business. Any friends not supporting you aren’t friends. It’s also very shallow of them to condemn your relationship because of an age gap. Maybe they are jealous you are happy.

By the way, 40 is nothing, 109 years ago he may have been considered old, but not any more.

[Mrsmadevans]

Is she jealous of your happy relationship OP?
Only 13 years doesn't seem a huge gap especially if you are happy together.

[LH1987]

13 years doesn’t seem that big an age gap to me. As for being widowed early, what a morbid thing for friends to think about or say! Anyone can drop dead at any age (sorry to be blunt!)

I think back to when I was 26 and being married with a baby to a 40 year old would have seemed incomprehensible to me. I think I was a very immature 26 year old. Maybe your friend is just less mature than you and right can’t understand it. She probably said it with the best of intentions, she’s just a bit childish. I wouldn’t stop being friends with her for this.

[Icantrememebrtheartist]

I think it’s the age you are now that makes your friend see it like that. It’s because at the moment you are young and if she’s the same age I’m presuming she feels that almost 40 is old. If you were 30 and met someone aged 43 no one would think anything of it.

[Sittingonabench]

I wouldn’t necessarily get rid of her as a friend but my closeness to her would definitely shift to a cooler friendship. I have a much bigger age gap with my husband and yes there will be consequences down the line but my parents and grandparents had to deal with those due to illness so there’s no guarantee how these things play out. There is no power imbalance in my relationship just support which sounds like you also have. It is so difficult to find that in a partner so I wouldn’t let that go. With your friend I would just point out to her that you clearly have different values and that’s fine but that you will be marrying this man as soon as you are able to and if she feels the way she does then you would understand if she didn’t want to attend but that you value her friendship.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

I won't lie that I find the idea of a 35 year old dating a 22 year old a bit weird OP, but don't think in principle that a 13 year age gap is a big deal. In fact I'd actually say the opposite of your friend, that the gap will seem less strange as you both age, not more.

My uncle is about 15 years younger than his wife and yes he is sadly now at the stage of needing to care for her a lot but I know he wouldn't have it any other way. Conversely but FIL is about 10 years older than my MIL but she has every health condition under the sun while he is still very fit and active in his 80s and so he is actually the one caring for her despite being older.

Basically my point is that any problems people have with your relationship are likely down to prejudice and not practical concerns, and as long as you're happy then it's nobody's business but yours. The idea of not getting married because of the age gap when you already have a child together is bonkers anyway.

[diamondpony80]

That’s not a big age gap. Most marriages in my family have about 9-11 years age gap. We don’t notice it and no one has ever commented on it. 13 isn’t much more. My grandmother is widowed, and it’s likely that some day mum will be left on her own too. I know so many relationships where there wasn’t an age gap at all though and the man still passed away first. It’s a strange thing to be worrying about at this age to be honest. What will happen, will happen.

[Potatoespuds]

My friend is with a guy with an 11 year age gap. It seems to work for them and as you already have a child with him, I would say you should be past the point of caring what your friend thinks.

So long as your happy who cares. The only thing I would say is my friend constantly changes the age of fiance. Some weeks he's 40 another week he's 36 and the next day he's 37. I know his age because he told me (also he seems a nice guy from what I know of him). So I'd say if you felt like my friend and the need to change his age or you were embarrased you might want to rethink it.

[SoulofanAggron]

I had virtually the same age gap with an ex and it really wasn't good. People get older and less attractive, and also can have different likes and dislikes/energy levels due to age etc. My partner was severely disabled and my life was draining.

I think people are actually more concerned by age gaps these days, as they think women deserve to live their best lives.

like I'm being shamed

I don't think anyone is shaming you. Your friend's just worried and wants the best for you.

[Lorieandrews]

My friend has been happily married to her husband who is older by 20 years with 8 kids in tow!

[flowers08]

I wouldnt even bat an eyelid at this. my partner is only 3 years older than me but he looks more than that truthfully. ignore your friend - shes talking nonsense.