Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[AKissAndASmile]

Your friend is weird.

1. it's not a huge age gap
   
2. you've already got a child together

[partyatthepalace]

Your friend is a screaming dick. He’s your child’s father!!!!

It’s a bigger age gap than ideal, but it’s not enormous. Nothing wrong with her expressing that POV early on, but you made your decision.

I suspect she is unhappy in her own life or jealous of yours - Or is she just nasty??? I’d ditch her if the latter.

[gingerbiscuits]

Keep your man & ditch your friend - she's mean!

[SarahBellam]

Are you sure that’s what she’s concerned about and not some other reason. 13 years doesn’t seem particularly huge to me. Does he treat you well? Make you happy? It wouldn’t bother me that my friend was dating someone older, but it would bother me if she was in a controlling relationship.

[Birdladybird]

I don’t think you have a large age gap at all. I have a 22 year age gap, yes I might be widowed young but I’d rather have the years of happiness with the man I love than not because he is older. My grandad died when he was 48, no one knows what’s going to happen!

[OhCaptain]

It’s a bigger age gap than ideal, but it’s not enormous

What’s an ideal age gap? Just out of curiosity.

[PicaK]

Your friend has issues.
Being kind, you could delve deeper see what those really are. Does she not see you as much? If you've got kids then the natural move into family life she might be seeing as a consequence of being with an older bloke. Completely wrong. Is she usually that insensitive and a bit nasty? Is she OK?
The one thing I would say is that by being happy you aren't married she is doing you and your kids a massive disservice. No legal protection if the marriage breaks down.
Plan your wedding.

[KatherineJaneway]

She could dislike him for some other reason and be using the age gap as an excuse.

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

Oh I know this! Apparently 4yrs and 4mths is the ideal age gap.

(I neither agree or disagree but I read it somewhere in one of those 'research has shown' but I doubt I can find the article and am just happy I can share this maybe or maybe not piece of important information!)

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

Sorry that ^ was to @OhCaptain !

[GreenClock]

13 years isn’t much (except when the younger party is a teenager, then it’s a bit creepy obviously).

It might make a difference in retirement but you can’t live your life worrying about what’s going to happen when he’s 80. In any case, I know of a couple of relationships where older spouses have nursed younger ones through cancer. No one knows what’s in store.

Unless your friend has genuine concerns to which you’re being wilfully blind, ignore her and enjoy your wedding day when it arrives.

[Lucieintheskye]

I'm early 20s, DH is early 40s. My family and most of our friends disapproved of our relationship and even when we announced our engagement they tried everything to stop our wedding. To the point where my parents tried to cancel the church and venue on our behalf. We had a tiny ceremony with only his parents, siblings and my 2 best friends and we couldn't have had a better day. Followed it up with tea in a local cafe and then went on our honeymoon.

There will always be people who think the age gap in relationships like ours will end it, as if we're hiding our issue with it! Anyone who tells you you shouldn't marry someone for no good reason isn't someone you need in your life. It's your relationship, your wedding, if you want to marry the man you love don't let anyone stop you. If they don't approve, they don't have to go to the wedding!

[Whythesadface]

That's about the age gap with my parents, to be honest the age thing didn't really kick in till my dad got to 80.
That forty years , by which time your going to 65, have had a lovely life together and hopefully a family.
Live your life 💖

[OhCaptain]

@TheGoodEnoughWife

Oh I know this! Apparently 4yrs and 4mths is the ideal age gap.

(I neither agree or disagree but I read it somewhere in one of those 'research has shown' but I doubt I can find the article and am just happy I can share this maybe or maybe not piece of important information!)

Oh thank you! How interesting. I wonder why that is.

It seems an impossible thing to pin down for me because - well, people are different!

[userloadsofnumbers]

My in-laws have a 13 year gap and they are the happiest couple I know - she's now 64 and he's 77 and you really can't tell looking at them - she keeps him young!

[tara66]

I can't understand why ''other people'' think they have the ''right'' to give advice on such matters. Does your friend have Mr Wonderful waiting in the wings some where all ready for you and of a perfect age etc?

[BaggoMcoys]

I don't think it's a massive age gap. My first long term relationship was with a man 10 years older than me, my second was with a man 14 years older than me. I've recently started dating a man who is only 2 years older than me and at the start I was worried he would be too young!

Although with my first relationship, I do feel I was too young to be with a man that much older. I'd just turned 22 when we first got together, and he was 32. He turned out to be very controlling and abusive though, and I'd not experienced an adult relationship before him so I didn't really know what was normal (no role models in my home so I was very naive). However, there were no issues on the age side of things in my next relationship.

[malificent7]

Your friend is a jealous, toxic bitch. Bin her...not him. In your case i'd just ghost her.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

@Teaseller

With respect, if you're making life decisions on what your friends think then maybe you're not mature enough to be getting married yet.

I agree.

I cant imagine cancelling a relationship with someone I was in love with due to some comments from "friends" who dont sound very friendly at all.

12 years is not a huge age gap and I say that as someone who is not a fan of large age gaps. If he were say, 20 years older then I would get it and would agree you do need to think carefully about the future because I have seen women end up as their husbands carers with huge age gaps.
12 years is nothing really but I do think you need to seriously think about your decisions in life if they are balanced that precariously on the opinions of others. Are you SURE this is really what you want? if it is, who gives a toss about what others think? opinions are just that- opinions, they arent facts.

[Countrywalking]

This ISN'T about the age gap at all. Your friend is using the age gap to bring up concerns she and your friends have.

So what have you told your friends about your relationship or your partner that they would be concerned about?

[Crinkle77]

She sounds jealous

[AKissAndASmile]

TheGoodEnoughWife

Oh I know this! Apparently 4yrs and 4mths is the ideal age gap.

That's so funny! My husband and I had this exact age gap. We got divorced.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I think the job of a good friend is to sometimes say things we don't want to hear, but the rules are they do it ONCE and once only, then they never bring it up again if you say 'I am good with the choice I've made.'

The tone and frequency of these comments would be the deal breaker for me, if it's a one-off and she'll now be told, then I would let it pass. Only you know if this is spite or someone genuinely looking out for you.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Is your friend perhaps envious of your relationship? I mean, a happy one with a man you love and a baby?

Or is she just very old-fashioned in her ideas?

Either way, she's rude and unkind and EVEN IF she was right (she's not) she should have kept her unnecessary opinions to herself, not tell you!

[Hailtomyteeth]

Marry the man if you're keen on him. It's always a gamble. Friends are hardly ever reliable - they get jealous, they get over-cautious, they're not worth half a husband, never mind a whole one.