Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

[HighSpecWhistle]

13 years isn't a big age gap and will feel even less when you're older I think. I mean, 60 and 73 isn't vastly different. 80 and 93, still not massive.

Tell your friend to stop commenting as it's upsetting you.

[HighSpecWhistle]

@Mimipo

Now I’m older and wiser, I do find it concerning that a man in his mid 30s was seriously interested in a woman in her early 20s

I don’t mean this in a horrible way at all and I think age gaps are fine when older

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them

This may not be the case with your partner

Just make sure it isn’t

You are very young, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way at all

You have time - only you know him and the dynamics in your relationship

How is 26 very young? By 26 lots of women have degrees, careers, are married and with kids. You're being quite patronising.

[OhCaptain]

26 isn’t very young!

So patronising.

[laudete]

Well, yes, anyone who knows he's much older than you will think he's likely to die before you - assuming you're both healthy and don't get run over by a bus, etc. That's a given. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't marry him. I hope you have many happy years together. x

[Esspee]

My husband was 16 years older than me. He has died before me but we brought up our children and had a lovely life.
We were always looked upon as a perfect couple and his age was never relevant.
Could your friend be jealous?
My advice to anyone who has children and is happy living with their partner is to get married as soon as possible. Marriage isn’t about a dress, bridesmaids, and a big party. It’s about love and security for the child and commitment to each other. Why wait?

[katy1213]

But they met when she was 22. It's a fair point - controlling men do often choose younger partners. And OP doesn't sound very independent-minded if she's so bothered her friend's opinion.

[Londoncatshed]

No big deal. You find happiness, grab it with both hands. My partner is the same age gap and I don’t really think about it 20 years on.

Who knows what is going to happen; hopefully you will live long and happy lives. I had a Uni friend whose mother and father had a 25 year age gap. Her poor mother died in her very early 50’s and her father lived until his late 80’s.

[butterpuffed]

It's an age gap of course but not a huge one. Don't let your so called friend make you doubt your decisions.

As you're happy, ignore anyone persuading you otherwise, some people have their own agenda.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Your friend is toxic and trying to drive a wedge between you. She seems possessive of you and jealous of your relationship. I’d consider gently distancing myself from her in your shoes.

The age gap is medium sized, but nothing like 55yr old with a19yr old gross cradle robbing type gap.

My DB (43) is 13yrs older than his wife (30) and they are very happy and a good match. He looks young for his age and is athletic so they don’t look mismatched at all. Also I have a good friend Michel and his wife Alicia is 15yrs younger. They’ve been together twenty years now..she is 44 and he is 59. It’s not as odd as your friend is telling you.

[MustardMitt]

26 isn’t very young, but OP was 22 dating a 35 year old.

@KissCass you have a child. The boat has sailed; you are irrevocably ties to him whether you get married or not. What your friends think is of no consequence.

You’re right, he’s not that old and she’s being a bit ridiculous. Why would you break up a relationship you’re happy in and with someone you have a child, because they might die before you?!

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Its a big age gap when you're in your twenties, and when you're getting on in life and the much older partner is struggling physically.

Theres so many men who pick out much younger women because they're more gullible and innocent and won't notice the not so good aspects about them.

But of course its up to you. Just be aware that its not unusual for people to find it odd or be a little suspicous of the much older man.

Personally, I think men age quickly enough not to have to lumber myself with an old one when I could have one my own age or younger. But being 40 and dating a 26 year old - no, we would be at completely different stages in life.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@Mimipo

Now I’m older and wiser, I do find it concerning that a man in his mid 30s was seriously interested in a woman in her early 20s

I don’t mean this in a horrible way at all and I think age gaps are fine when older

As others have said, men like this tend to be of a certain type and controlling and don’t want a woman on an equal footing to them

This may not be the case with your partner

Just make sure it isn’t

You are very young, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way at all

You have time - only you know him and the dynamics in your relationship

Equally, I found in my 20s that I was much more mature than men my own age. Many men seem to be man-children until they hit 30 and realise they can’t act like a teenager anymore. Meanwhile some of us 20-something women don’t feel like waiting around to see if a man child will grow up, and so start seeing older men. My husband is older than me and that was a big part of my attraction to him. He was ready to be serious, marry, raise a family. He was done with the out all night drinking with mates and going from concert to concert, quitting BS jobs to go bum around Thailand for a month ‘for the adventure’. Etc.

[BuddhaAtSea]

My exH was 14 years older than me. And it is true what they say, they are controlling, he wouldn’t have been able to pull that shit with a woman his age.
There is also the ‘oh, I’ve done that, been there, got the t-shirt, I’m not interested anymore’. Whatever you say you’d like to do/experience, he’ll tell you he’s done that before, not interested anymore. And you do miss out.

Up to you. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t, that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

[Cam2020]

I hate to sound moribd and depressing, but there's no guarantee any of us will make old bones or have good health regardless of age! Live your life and be happy! You love each other and have a good relationship - that's all that matters. I don't really understand your friend's motivation in trying to stir things for you. I have some opinions about friends husbands/partners but I keep them to myself because I'm not the one in a relationship with them and they're happy (my opinion being they're irritating, boring etc. rather than abusive or anything sinister )!

[OrangePlumGrape]

Is there anything else about him that is making people feel you can maybe do better and they are using his age as a kinder way of saying it? Or is your friendship group mainly single and they don’t want to lose you to a relationship? It’s not a massive age gap, I feel like maybe there could be a different dynamic going on here and her problem is actually about something else?

[LAgeDeRaisin]

My husband is nearly 19 years older than me! We are older than you, married with children, and very happy!

[SoEverybodyDance]

It's not a huge age gap and your friend is a bit crass but it's useful to point out these things and (if necessary) make financial plans. He will retire around the time you are 50, possibly around the same time your children go to university. You might think about this because you might find yourself supporting kids at uni and your husband (on a pension) all from your own income. If you plan well there should be no problem! Otherwise ignore her and do what makes you happy...

[Feedingthebirds1]

She gets to live her life the way she wants. She doesn't get to tell you how to live yours.

Think hard OP. Is this the first time she's offered unwanted opinions or has she done it before - it's just that this time it's really hurt and upset you so you've noticed it?

[VetiverAndLavender]

Your friend has a weird hang-up. She shouldn't be sabotaging your relationship. Mentioning it once was pushing it, but twice? It's not her life. You should do what you want. If she brings it up again, I'd tell her that you want to remain friends, but in order for that to work, you need her to respect your choices. I'd also remind her that no-one's life is guaranteed, and if you married a man your own age, he could easily die years before your current partner does, and for that matter, your partner could outlive you (or your interfering friend).

[HaveringWavering]

@TheGoodEnoughWife

Oh I know this! Apparently 4yrs and 4mths is the ideal age gap.

(I neither agree or disagree but I read it somewhere in one of those 'research has shown' but I doubt I can find the article and am just happy I can share this maybe or maybe not piece of important information!)

Oh that’s interesting. The age gap between DH and me is 4 years and 5 months....but I am the elder one! I bet the article specified that it was only ideal if the man was older than the woman .

(It works for us by the way)

OP, 13 years is not really worth remarking on, especially if your partner looks after himself. Just ignore your friend’s nonsense, she is ridiculous questioning the relationship with your child’s father- he’ll always be in your life, that ship has sailed.

[MacaroniCaptain]

I don't think this is a huge gap at all my husband would have been 35 when I was 26 so only a few years off your partner. It's actually the most mature and successful (obviously) relationship I've ever had. Far better than any of the ones with men my own age! I would consider any differences in us noticeable either, we are very similar in terms of maturity levels etc...

[NancyPickford]

Ignore her. It's not a huge gap, and you are 26, not 16, hardly "very young". And, not to be morbid, but people can drop dead at any age, so worrying about future deaths is illogical. Live your life your own way, and be happy.

[Ingridla]

Your friend doesn't sound like a friend to me. The age gap is hardly massive, turn things around, I know a lot of men my age (43) who are with women in their twenties. Ignore her and enjoy your relationship.

[Ikora]

DH is my contemporary at 2 years younger, we laugh about what was on tv when we were children together and stuff like that. Im glad we do but is is hard to find a life partner if you have one with an age gap you have one with an age gap. It’s a big late now as you have a child anyway :) just stop listening to your grumpy mate.

[littlepattilou]

@KissCass YANBU. A 13 year age gap isn't huge, and 26 and 39 is fine.

16 and 29 I would be concerned about, but yours is fine.

Your 'friend' sounds like a jealous, toxic bitch by the way.

Oh and ignore @Mimipo 26 is NOT very young !!! What a patronising thing to say!