Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

[KissCass]

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

I think you are blowing this all out of proportion..no one will look at you funny ?! Its not as if you are 19 and he is 80 ?? Tell her to mind her own business and you should stop thinking about it .
Unless, you like the drama .

I'm also a runner OP and running is FULL of older men trying to meet younger women. I always try to avoid them, because I find them annoying. I'm not suggesting for one moment that your boyfriend is annoying, just describing my experience. They always try to make some excuse to come up and talk to you, and to be honest, I invariably find them patronising or boring.

It also puts me off that they will either have several failed relationships behind them, and know exactly what to say to make you think they are the good guy, OR they are the non-relationship type. From what I've seen over the years, quite a number are the serial monogamist type, going from one relationship with another runner to another, with no intention to ever commit.

I know so many wierdos that are runners. Quite a few that several years ago I thought were the sale of the earth, quite talented type, who ended up losing their jobs because of bad behaviour, flirting with clients, stalking a younger girlfriend when she finished with them, etc. So many cheat on their girlfriends, or have tried to with me through meeting me through running. Its like they try to line up a sporty replacement first before ditching the existing girlfriend. Offering you a shared lift to a race or training session is a particularly favoured tactic.

Then you get the slower type who follow women throughout races, ignoring all male competitors, sticking to your heels, then use that as an excuse to chat to you at the end of the race and latch on, so you can't get rid of them.

Just my experience OP. A LOT of men treat running as a way to meet women, whether or not they are single. I'm very very wary of them, for good reason. There are plenty of women their own age for them to meet through running so meeting a younger woman is the holy grail.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older?

Those are quite strong words by your friend. I wonder if she is picking up on things that you aren't. So many of these runner types know that they are in better shape than the average man of their age, and they use that confidence to flirt with younger women.

I would definitely not consider leaving my partner just because of "friends" comments, does not sound like a good friend to say such things anyway.

@OhCaptain
🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it is actually a reflection of how the wider society is evolving or may be just my circle? Vast majority of relationships don’t have the big age gaps that were common in this part of the world some generations ago. It’s looked down upon generally, and rightly so too. It’s still quite common in other parts of the world. However, even within the U.K., the data are nearly completely skewed in that nearly all these marriages happen between older men and younger women. Ever thought why?

@GreenlandTheMovie

I'm also a runner OP and running is FULL of older men trying to meet younger women. I always try to avoid them, because I find them annoying. I'm not suggesting for one moment that your boyfriend is annoying, just describing my experience. They always try to make some excuse to come up and talk to you, and to be honest, I invariably find them patronising or boring.

It also puts me off that they will either have several failed relationships behind them, and know exactly what to say to make you think they are the good guy, OR they are the non-relationship type. From what I've seen over the years, quite a number are the serial monogamist type, going from one relationship with another runner to another, with no intention to ever commit.

I know so many wierdos that are runners. Quite a few that several years ago I thought were the sale of the earth, quite talented type, who ended up losing their jobs because of bad behaviour, flirting with clients, stalking a younger girlfriend when she finished with them, etc. So many cheat on their girlfriends, or have tried to with me through meeting me through running. Its like they try to line up a sporty replacement first before ditching the existing girlfriend. Offering you a shared lift to a race or training session is a particularly favoured tactic.

Then you get the slower type who follow women throughout races, ignoring all male competitors, sticking to your heels, then use that as an excuse to chat to you at the end of the race and latch on, so you can't get rid of them.

Just my experience OP. A LOT of men treat running as a way to meet women, whether or not they are single. I'm very very wary of them, for good reason. There are plenty of women their own age for them to meet through running so meeting a younger woman is the holy grail.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older?

Those are quite strong words by your friend. I wonder if she is picking up on things that you aren't. So many of these runner types know that they are in better shape than the average man of their age, and they use that confidence to flirt with younger women.

Sorry but this is so judgemental. Again, I approached him. He isn't a serial dater. He was more than happy to commit. He doesn't have a 'past string of failed relationships' and he hasn't lied to make himself sound good. It does sound like you need to find a new running club.

You just can't win, people make out that he most of sought me out as some young prize to control, I say no, I am the one who instigated it, we met in a neutral environment and the relationship began authentically and then I get "sorry but men in running clubs are...."

I'm just commenting because you posted OP. It might not do any harm to just ask your friend why she has the opinion that she does.

I've run with many different training groups and 3 different running clubs over the years, so no, I don't "need to find a new running club". Some of the guys I mention weren't even in my running club. The long distance runners are definately the worst. Sprinters, middle distance runners seem much more balanced. In my opinion only, of course.

Perhaps ask yourself if he was single when you met him and at age 36, when he would already have been officially a veteran in running terms for racing, how useful it was for him to find himself in an environment where he had access to younger women "authentically".

Why post on here giving so much personal information about your relationship if you dislike these responses?

I'm not saying he is a bad guy, just don't keep your wits about you. At least 36 isn't too bad to be a single guy, its the ones that are still single at 40, or 45, or 50 that you have to watch. I've honestly had so many bad experiences trying to avoid men I've encountered through running. Because they were married and wanting to have an affair or not single.

@KissCass your thread is starting to become ridiculous as certain posters try to outdo each other.

Pay them no mind. It’s very, very hard to have a sensible discussion when they have an agenda.

It's not much more than a ten year gap which is really nothing in my eyes.

20 or 30 years I would think may bring issues like lack of common interests and yes, there's the risk that one of you would become a carer.

Ignore her. It's rude for her to say this but she is probably well meaning.

Agree this thread is getting silly (and I’m one of the people that isn’t 100% on tbis age gap).

The only thing I would say OP is do ask your friend why she feels that way? If it’s most about the age, and you’re happy - then no issue. But if a good friend says something like this, I do think it’s wise to understand why.

@GreenlandTheMovie

I'm just commenting because you posted OP. It might not do any harm to just ask your friend why she has the opinion that she does.

I've run with many different training groups and 3 different running clubs over the years, so no, I don't "need to find a new running club". Some of the guys I mention weren't even in my running club. The long distance runners are definately the worst. Sprinters, middle distance runners seem much more balanced. In my opinion only, of course.

Perhaps ask yourself if he was single when you met him and at age 36, when he would already have been officially a veteran in running terms for racing, how useful it was for him to find himself in an environment where he had access to younger women "authentically".

Why post on here giving so much personal information about your relationship if you dislike these responses?

I'm not saying he is a bad guy, just don't keep your wits about you. At least 36 isn't too bad to be a single guy, its the ones that are still single at 40, or 45, or 50 that you have to watch. I've honestly had so many bad experiences trying to avoid men I've encountered through running. Because they were married and wanting to have an affair or not single.

He joined the running club at 33 as he wanted to get fit. He wasn't in his prime as a long distance sprinter We don't bother with the club now and just run together.

I just think your post and some others have been very judgemental and extreme. Opinions are one thing but sweeping statements making out there must be something wrong with him for being interested in me, for running, for having anything in common with me are a bit

13 years is not that big. And my sister had to cancel her wedding this year too...her partner is 18 months older. It’s not an omen of anything. Your friend is a knob. If you are happy then that’s all you need to know!

Ignore the absolutely bizarre replies on this post and certainly ignore your friend.
What kind of friend says things like that about a friends partner and father of her child?
She wouldnt be my friend. She sounds far too opinionated. Your little family are your team tell her to piss off

Anyway I gave in and texted her. I just said that what she said really hurt me as I feel like she's looking down on me. She said that she really didn't mean anything negative towards him and that she meant it more positive towards me, that I don't understand how attractive, kind and funny I am and how now since dating again she gets so many comments about me made by younger, and in her opinion more attractive men (small town area, guys who know of us from school/college) she wanted me to know I don't have to settle because I have a child as she does too and she walked away and has never regretted it (although her exp was emotionally abusive and same age)

So, I guess she meant well. She's said she won't say it again. So atleast she doesn't think he's some creepy predator even though apparently about 1/3 of the people on this thread do.

Thanks for taking the time. And thanks to all the nice comments who understood and didn't case judgement.

@HereWeGoAgainhaha

I think you may notice the gap a bit when you're 45 & hes 58 and you're still wanting to get out and hes ready to be in bed by 10, but who cares. You have to live in the moment. You love him, you have a child together and you want to get married. If your best friend was a true best friend they'd be there to pick up the pieces if it was to go wrong, not to insult you and your intentions.

Wow there’s a lot of ageism on this thread, this being one example. I’m mid 50s, love going out and never go to sleep before midnight.

OP if you love him and you get on well and treat each other well then nothing else matters. Your friend is either jealous or prejudiced. Ignore her.

If you're happy I'd ignore this friend.

[quote OhCaptain]@KissCass your thread is starting to become ridiculous as certain posters try to outdo each other.

Pay them no mind. It’s very, very hard to have a sensible discussion when they have an agenda.[/quote]
It’s always an agenda when posters like you fail to answer hard questions like the disparity in data

My OH is 59, and I'm 44. I don't see being ready for bed at 10 as a bad thing. I love sleep! My OH is usually up till midnight. He's also very active., I'm not very fit and sometimes find it hard to keep up with him.

Like you I thought he was younger than he is, i thought he was late 40s. I have considered the age gap, but I'd rather spend my time with him, however long we have, than be without him.

@Thewithesarehere I couldn’t give a flying fuck about the data.

It’s beyond weird that you’ve come onto this thread where OP has repeatedly said she’s in a stable, happy, loving, and equal relationship and stomped your feet about statistics and how you’ve NEVER EVER EVER known a woman in a relationship with a younger man. And how EVERY age gap relationship EVER has had abuse or violence.

Even though there are literally people on the thread with different experiences, you just can’t accept that.

Even though OP’s life has precisely fuck all to do with you and your perception of age gaps, you can’t accept that.

So yeah. I think you have an agenda. I don’t know what it is and I’m not interested in learning it so I think OP should ignore you. As I’m going to do from here on in.

interested in me, for running, for having anything in common with me are a bit hmm*
I find it equally bizarre that so many poster seem adamant that the age gap is immaterial and unimportant. You met him at a time when you had experienced just 4 years of life as an adult and he had 300% more experience of adult life than you of this. Do you seriously not see how this would so often create an imbalance in a relationship?

Experience generally changes and matures people. I know my friends and I often comment on how we aren't quite the same people we were in our early 20s and how life events have shaped us and changed our views. It is not ageist to be suspicious of an older man who can seamlessly and effortlessly bridge this gap with a much younger woman. People seem totally disgusted about older men dating teenage (adult) girls but somehow think once someone reaches 20 then it's an even playing field and maturity and experience matter less. I just don't buy into that.

Practically too there are obviously things that would make an age gap relationship more unbalanced. For a start he has had 12 more years to build a career and strong financial position. I have seen this all too often result in the man's career being prioritised as he is obviously more likely to be the main breadwinner when any children come along.

@OhCaptain
As far as my question is concerned, you know the answer to that. Like I said before, I hit a nerve. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Bumpitybumper It sounds very much like you just want the OP to question her relationship. I'm not quite sure why you would do that.

It's not the OPs friends business who she chooses to have a relationship with any more than it is yours. The friend is entitled to an opinion of course, as are you, but she didn't ask what posters thought about her being with an older man. She asked what to do about her friend, not her relationship.

My best friend's parents had a similar gap, she's now almost 40 with 5 kids and he's in his 80s loving being a grandad for 16 years, sounds like pure jealousy to me

@KissCass You sound like you've got an old head on young shoulders. 😊 You paint your DP so beautifully and you clearly have a lot in common.
Just nod at your best friend and move the conversation along!

If you love him you love him.

What is your friend going on?

Have you had trouble that you've confided in her about in the past?