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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do I do?!

162 replies

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 10:43

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

OP posts:
SnowFields · 24/01/2021 10:45

It sounds like you want justification for getting rid of your pets.

Do you have children? They actually are hard work so if you don’t, I would really question whether your DH will walk away whilst they are little because he can’t handle them.

Oysterbabe · 24/01/2021 10:46

How long have you had them? Where did you get them? How old are they?

RandomMess · 24/01/2021 10:46

Keep the outdoor cat and rehome the indoor one to someone that wants a companion- he is probably very very bored and needs to be played with a lot.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 10:49

It sounds like you want justification for getting rid of your pets

It's honestly the opposite for me, I want to keep them but I'm worried about how many issues it will cause between me and DH. He is adamant that he can't live with them.

We do have kids yes.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 24/01/2021 10:49

How old are they and how long have you had them?

It doesn't sound as if they've become part of your family and given that one is out a lot and one is destructive, how much time do you actually spend playing with them and generally interacting with them?

HikeForward · 24/01/2021 10:55

I’d re-home them. One of them sounds unhappy anyway, destructive behaviour is a sign of stress.

I’d never put cats before my human family.

If you’re desperate to keep them, can you ask DH exactly what he hates so much about them? Is it the smell/moulting/mess/damage to house/litter tray (if they have one)? Can any issues be resolved eg training them out of bad behaviour?

If not I think I’d re-home them.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/01/2021 11:05

Animals aren't disposable! I would hate to have a partner who saw them as such.

In your situation it might be better to rehome them (if a decent home could be found, taking them to a shelter would be awful though). I'm not sure I'd feel the same about my partner after though!

Terracottasaur · 24/01/2021 11:09

Your husband sounds like an arsehole.

I would try just rehoming the destructive one first. Her behaviour is a sign she’s unhappy, so she might be better off in a more suitable home.

doctorhamster · 24/01/2021 11:11

Does the destructive one have plenty of toys to play with? Do you play with him?

millievanille · 24/01/2021 11:12

Cats are like people, they all have different personalities and you have to accept them as they are. They sound like two typical cats to me. When you got your pets you made a commitment to them. I agree with the past poster who says animals are. Or disposable, you can't rehome or get rid just because you find them challenging at times. Sorry if it's not what your husband would like to hear.

Cornettoninja · 24/01/2021 11:15

The non-arsehole thing to do is to address the behaviour causing the problems; scratching posts (a taller one if the cat is a climber), cat toys, making sure the cat is actually played with and amused.

Like others I think it’s awful to have get a pet and then treat it like it’s disposable.. ultimately though if no active responsibility is going to be taken then you have to rehome. Please make sure you do this responsibly, preferably following the advice of a reputable charity, to ensure that the poor cats don’t end up as bait for dog fighting.

Cornettoninja · 24/01/2021 11:20

I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having

Just to pick up on this, yes it is if he was actively in favour of getting the cats. It’s called responsibility. There’s very easily accessed information on cat ownership; he’s an adult and could have anticipated aspects he finds unacceptable now.

Drinkarsefeck · 24/01/2021 11:21

I'd get rid of my partner, the cats sound far preferable, poor buggers are just being cats and the stressed behaviour is probably due to your husbands animosity towards them. If you rehome them please do it responsibly through a reputable organisation where homes can be vetted. Our local blue cross are good. Please don't get any more animals though, it's likely the same thing will happen.

SnowFields · 24/01/2021 11:26

@Drinkarsefeck

I'd get rid of my partner, the cats sound far preferable, poor buggers are just being cats and the stressed behaviour is probably due to your husbands animosity towards them. If you rehome them please do it responsibly through a reputable organisation where homes can be vetted. Our local blue cross are good. Please don't get any more animals though, it's likely the same thing will happen.
Agreed.
Ileflottante · 24/01/2021 11:26

Keep the cats, bin the husband.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 11:29

@Cornettoninja

I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having

Just to pick up on this, yes it is if he was actively in favour of getting the cats. It’s called responsibility. There’s very easily accessed information on cat ownership; he’s an adult and could have anticipated aspects he finds unacceptable now.

This is what I've said. It wasn't my decision and mine alone to get the cats. I've had cats before, I accept that they come with certain things i.e. one thing he hates is the smell (they use litter tray). It's fairly common knowledge that they use a litter tray and it may smell a little in the mornings until you clean it out. It's not surprising information!

I don't think the one who goes out is the problem, he actually quite likes him as he sort of keeps out of the way, he has always been a very independent Tom who just likes his own company and the outdoors.

The other is the harder of the two and I just think he wasn't expecting her to essentially be a house cat (she doesn't like outside, she has access but chooses not to). But again, like you say we made the commitment knowing that not every cat is the same.

She does have scratching posts yes and some toys but I'll get a few more for the other rooms. She is actually very cuddly and affectionate with me and the kids but he doesn't bother with her so they don't have any sort of relationship (like I say he isn't cruel to her he just doesn't bother with her).

I understand perhaps realising that you actually aren't a 'cat person' but in my mind that means that you get on with it now you've made the commitment knowing that you won't get another in the future. Which is fine. Not dumping the animal you already have though.

The thought of sending them off to a cattery or something similar honestly breaks my heart and makes me cry, I think I already know I couldn't do it.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 24/01/2021 11:32

tbh I'd rehome them. Or the one that is causing the destruction. It's stressful for the cat and it's stressful for people living with the cat.

Pet ownership is supposed to be beneficial for everyone involved. Nobody is getting anything out of this. Try to use a no-kill shelter

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 11:32

Well I mean he’s genuinely not going to leave over the cats. He can just not interact with them and ignore them. It’s fine.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 11:34

@Narniacalling

Well I mean he’s genuinely not going to leave over the cats. He can just not interact with them and ignore them. It’s fine.
No he probably won't actually leave I agree. But it does cause disagreements between us.
OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2021 11:36

I’d bin the husband, what a dick, would he send one of the kids away if they weren’t perfect 100% of the time?

I’m afraid I couldn’t be with someone with this attitude

RandomMess · 24/01/2021 11:36

It sounds like keeping the boy is ok but do put feelers out to look for a new home for the girl - be up front that she is indoors only and needs a lot of time for cuddles and play. You can rehome direct from yours without putting her in a rescue.

In the meantime do you have a lidded litter tray with flap and I find Crystal litter like Tigerino the best for no whiffs.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2021 11:37

That’s a shame he won’t actually leave

Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2021 11:38

Please don’t rehome direct to some random. If you are going to do it at least do it responsibly via a rescue like cats protection

And then never get another pet

SimonJT · 24/01/2021 11:39

Distructive behaviour is a sign if boredom, how much active playtime as a household are you doing with the cat everyday?

Godimabitch · 24/01/2021 11:45

They're not toys. You get pets and you have a commitment to them, you cant just change your mind and get rid. It's so hard safely rehoming cats.
Commit to making the destructive cats life better