What do I do?!

[PollyPhilly]

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

I wouldn't feel guilty. But will the children be devastated to lose their pet

Personally I couldn't live with an indoor cat and litter tray either. Train it to go outside. It sounds too pampered

If the litterbox is the main issue can you not get a cat flap and train them to go outside? I’ve had plenty of cats and never had one who was still using a litterbox past kittenhood.

We’ve just got a puppy who is MASSIVELY hard work!! If my DP told me he wanted to rehome the puppy, and I had to choose between them, I would let my DP leave.

I love him, and he would never give me such a ridiculous ultimatum, but I would also NEVER abandon a pet that I loved, because some fucker had changed their mind about having a pet

When the get ill or elderly it could get far worse so if rehoming the girl for a more harmonious marriage I would at least explore the option.

Both cats will likely be happier being only cats too, I've seen that happen even in bonded pairs.

Do not get rid of your cats. My mother got pets when I was a child. I would get attached and she would decide she could not cope and then get rid. It broke my heart every time. Get rid of the husband. The cat is probably playing up because she can sense he doesn't like her.

@PollyPhilly I’m glad to hear you’re not leaning towards your DH’s blackmail

There are definitely relatively easy solutions to some of the problems you’ve described and if the kids are old enough they can certainly be involved with some of it. We also have lidded litter trays which helps with the smell a bit but not completely. Some foods are better than others for what comes out the other end too but then you might be opening up arguments about the cost of feeding them.

Ultimately your DH doesn’t get the casting vote to get rid of the cats when other members of the household love them, it’s not like he can say he’s always been against it. He’s just going to have to figure out a way to make his peace with that.

@PollyPhilly

Please Go ont to The YouTube Internet
To see a Videos of a Pet Animals Expert Show people how to Sort out Any destructive/unwanted Behaviors from pets Cats etc.!

The Pets Animals Expert is really Good the One I saw !

Also have a look on the internet for Books online to buy that will show you how to deal with/sort out destructive /unwanted behaviours from your Pets too.

It wasn't my decision and mine alone to get the cats. I've had cats before, I accept that they come with certain things i.e. one thing he hates is the smell (they use litter tray). It's fairly common knowledge that they use a litter tray and it may smell a little in the mornings until you clean it out. It's not surprising information!

Litter trays IME don’t ‘smell a little’ they reek the house out. I’ve had to leave people’s houses when their cat does a poo in the litter tray as the smell is vile, overpowering and makes me feel sick.

How was your husband to know if he could tolerate things like smell if he’s never had a cat before?

I also find cats smell ‘catty’ some people like it and I didn’t mind it when I grew up with them. But I notice it now, the smell of their fur. And they lick themselves all over so the bacteria from their mouths ends up on their coats. When I walk into a house with cats I can smell cat even without a litter tray around, I don’t mind it too much but my DH is disgusted by cat smell.

Appreciate you like them and he doesn’t, but I honestly wouldn’t choose cats over my marriage.

I don’t believe people should be forced to share their homes with animals, maybe he agreed to try it but can’t cope with the reality of a destructive, smelly indoor cat.

Presumably you both pay towards mortgage/rent/living costs, so you both have a say in whether you keep the cats. If they’re spoiling his enjoyment of his home that’s a valid point.

I think if one partner hates the pets to the point he’d rather split up his family than live with the cats he must be desperate and the cats have become unbearable to him.

In that scenario I’d put my partner first and re-home the cats.

He feels uncomfortable in his own home. You really need to rehome them, OP. No one should feel that way.

Thank you for the tips re YouTube vids etc.., I will take a look at the things suggested.

She does get played with mainly by the kids but I'll try and up this during the day. The behaviour I'm referring to is mainly at night, obviously she isn't burning enough energy in the day so she runs around at night!

In regards to the litter tray, the outdoorsy one doesn't use it a great deal, he will go outside it's just occasionally at night he may. But our girl cat will not go outside, she hates it outside, so much so it would be cruel to force her out imo so I don't have any other choice but a litter tray. I'll look into some other litter, tried wood originally but I found the wee smelt worse with that. Am now using CatSan I think it's called which I personally think is better and can't smell as much but he disagrees!

It’s a tricky one. People get very passionate about pets and a lot of people see them as equal to a human being. In all honesty I don’t and I do have some sympathy with your husband. I would loathe sharing my home with a destructive animal and it would spoil my enjoyment and relaxation in the one place that should be a haven. Seeing my stuff get mauled and destroyed every day would make me angry and miserable. I differ from your husband in that I’d never get a cat because I know I’d loathe it and he has clearly made a huge error of judgement getting your cats in the first place. However, you can only change the future and the question is if his value as a human being is higher than the cat’s. I’ll get flamed but I would say yes it is and he shouldn’t have to spend however many years miserable in his own home to pay some kind of penance to the cats who would probably be perfectly happy somewhere else.

However, and it’s a big however, if this would upset the kids then I do feel he’d have to suck it up. I think it’s all kinds of wrong to get rid of a family pet that the children are attached to. I would also refuse to rehome them just anywhere and would make sure they had a good home to go to even if that does take a while.

Do you have a shed? Of can you build a nice little space outside for the litter tray under cover and warm?
The cat obvs needs more stimulation, can you get a play station ?

Have you sat down with him and talked about what he thinks happens to cats in rescue homes. Does he genuinely think that some nice person comes the day after and gives them a new home?

If you really want to keep the indoor one then the behaviour needs to be addressed and you can change it.

Scratching carpets furniture - get the clear sticky tape from Amazon, yes it's not particularly attractive but it trains them to stop scratching those areas as they physically can't. My kittens a nightmare but using this tape means he now keeps away from the sofa and goes to his scratch post.

Large climbing tree - we have a 6ft one, get one like that and not the small ones as they need areas to climb if indoor.

Lots and lots of toys - I mean my house looks like I have a toddler 🤦🏽‍♀️ tunnels, wand toys etc.

Dedicated play time - 10 mins in morning and 10 mins at night of solid play.

Litter tray - make sure it's hooded and buy the Bob Martin litter powder (smells like baby talc) takes the smell away and clean poop as soon as they've done one.

The cats misbehaving as it feels stressed/bored, if you really must rehome then make sure you go to a charity don't do it direct.

If he agreed to getting the cat's then he needs to put up with them! Animals aren't toys to be thrown away when you discover they arent perfect. It is a horrible attitude to have!

What exactly is it that he ‘hates’ and that he can’t stand?

It doesn’t sound like they actually impact him all that much, so why is he saying he can’t cope?

Is he generally lacking in empathy and resilience?

What actual practical impact does keeping them have on him personally?

How was your husband to know if he could tolerate things like smell if he’s never had a cat before?

I appreciate what you're saying but why get a pet that shits indoors if you don't think you can handle the smell of the odd shit indoors?

It really isn't that bad. The worst time is in the morning when they've used it overnight, we get rid of it have a spray round the room and then he goes out to work all day. I'm in the house all day so I regularly keep on top of it if/when its used throughout the day. There's not much else I can do other than that if she won't go outside. This is what annoys me as well. I do everything for them, I'm not expecting him to take actively take part in their care. It's always me who cleans their tray, takes them to vets when needed, gets their food in, feeds them, waters etc... Gets him in at night and so on.

I agree he may just not be a cat person and he couldn't have known until he had one. And so I agree that we will not get one again in the future now we know that he genuinely isn't a cat person but it doesn't sit right with me just getting an animal then going 'actually nah decided I don't like this animal so get rid of it'. Although again I do appreciate what you're saying about him not feeling comfortable in his home which is why I feel so torn. The thought of just handing them over and them not understanding just breaks my heart though. I'd feel terrible.

To the PP who asked, the kids would be devastated yes.

If my husband threatened to leave because of cats which I and my children loved and which we had chosen together I'd be packing his bag for him,

@WhateverJudy

It’s a tricky one. People get very passionate about pets and a lot of people see them as equal to a human being. In all honesty I don’t and I do have some sympathy with your husband. I would loathe sharing my home with a destructive animal and it would spoil my enjoyment and relaxation in the one place that should be a haven. Seeing my stuff get mauled and destroyed every day would make me angry and miserable. I differ from your husband in that I’d never get a cat because I know I’d loathe it and he has clearly made a huge error of judgement getting your cats in the first place. However, you can only change the future and the question is if his value as a human being is higher than the cat’s. I’ll get flamed but I would say yes it is and he shouldn’t have to spend however many years miserable in his own home to pay some kind of penance to the cats who would probably be perfectly happy somewhere else.

However, and it’s a big however, if this would upset the kids then I do feel he’d have to suck it up. I think it’s all kinds of wrong to get rid of a family pet that the children are attached to. I would also refuse to rehome them just anywhere and would make sure they had a good home to go to even if that does take a while.

So it’s ok to upset your wife by giving away a much loved pet, but not your children?

There are far far worse things in life than occasionally having to smell a smell you don’t like.

And fixes to reduce that, in any case.

Why is he unable to cope with this? What would happen if something really major happened fo him? I can’t imagine the level of overreaction.

It’s different in my opinion. But my opinion is just that, others will disagree.

@PollyPhilly

Also another Option choice Aswell is find out about if it is possible to visit a Pet Animals expert too.

Go on the internet to find out Tel contact details/addresses !
Cause its Lockdown still you maybe not be able to see A pet expert straight away, for e g you might have to go on a waiting list !

But its definitely worth finding out about this !

You can always Just talk on the Tel to pet expert for good Advice tooo

I couldn't live with a heartless, irresponsible man like your husband. I make no joke when I say that he would be the one to leave.

Thank you all for the suggestions, I really do appreciate it.

www.popsugar.co.uk/pets/photo-gallery/47413983/image/47413965/Scoop-Litter-Twice-Day