Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do I do?!

162 replies

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 10:43

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

OP posts:
HikeForward · 25/01/2021 10:09

Like I said, the upset of his family should make him want to try other options first, no?

Yes I agree, but he’s been living with the cats for 3.5 years so I guess he’s been tolerating them and putting up with his own discomfort and suffering for some time. Maybe he’s tried strategies already?

Personally I wouldn’t want to take daily medication just to allow a cat to live in my home! Allergy meds have side effects. If you can remove the source of the allergy that sounds a better option than long term medication.

HikeForward · 25/01/2021 10:12

Controlling, blackmailing, selfish, childish, and an arsehole. Get rid before he bullies you into everything he wants

Errm how did you arrive at this conclusion?

Maybe he just hates the cat destroying his home and after 3+ years has reached the end of his tether?

bridgetreilly · 25/01/2021 10:17

If his mother woukd take the girl, it seems to me the best solution all round. You and the children would still get to see her and she would be well looked after.

Totallydefeated · 25/01/2021 11:02

Like I said, the upset of his family should make him want to try other options first, no?

Yes I agree, but he’s been living with the cats for 3.5 years so I guess he’s been tolerating them and putting up with his own discomfort and suffering for some time. Maybe he’s tried strategies already?

Personally I wouldn’t want to take daily medication just to allow a cat to live in my home! Allergy meds have side effects. If you can remove the source of the allergy that sounds a better option than long term medication.

On the basis of what he’s complaining about, I’d say that if he’s ‘at the end of his tether’ about fairly trivial stuff, therapy would be in order for him. If he’s that reactive to minor things, he’s going to be finding day to day life quite a challenge all round, and therapy can help him transform that, so he’s more resilient when faced with situations that aren’t optimal for him.

For the allergies, I understand that daily meds are a problem for some. I’d recommend trying acupuncture or hypnotherapy in that case, both of which can knock allergies on the head for good/a long time.

He does need to recognise that this is a problem with him, though. It’s not a problem per se with the cats or OP. So he needs to find solutions to help him not overreact to them.

OP, I would make sure he comes up with solutions to try, rather than you suggesting them, as he may see it then as you imposing things and he’ll be more likely to say they’re not working after only a half-hearted ‘try’. If it were me, I’d be having a conversation along the lines of ‘ok, the cat hair is bugging you, but this isn’t an insurmountable problem. What are your thoughts as to how to solve it?’ And if he doesn’t offer sensible solutions, offer some, but make sure you offer more than one, and that he makes the final decision which one he tries, and he then plays an active part in implementing that solution, and gives it a proper go. He needs to take ownership of his own problem. Not be pushing the solution onto you to come up with.

NotAnotherZBrick · 25/01/2021 11:10

Acupuncture and hypnotherapy for allergies 🤣

Totallydefeated · 25/01/2021 11:44

Laugh all you want NotAnotherZBrick

They tend to work well, without side effects ans unlike tablets have a long-lasting effect. But if that doesn’t accord with your world view, then no-one’s forcing you to have them, are they? You can just go back to being awesome and right about everything. Knock yourself out!

NotAnotherZBrick · 25/01/2021 11:50

I'm pretty sure you're trying to be passive-aggressive but you seem to be missing the mark a bit…

Enjoy your magic spells; I'll stick with my medicine :)

Totallydefeated · 25/01/2021 11:58

Enjoy your magic spells; I'll stick with my medicine

‘Magic spells’ Grin Aren’t you capable of googling the relevant research, then? You must prefer to stick with your existing prejudice.

Good luck with your medicine once you have one of the many many medical complaints for which there is no adequate treatment. Me, I prefer a cure where I can get one, rather than endlessly be on meds that don’t cure the problem, but just replace it with side effects that are just as bad. But then I do have very high standards.

Anyway, this gets us off OP’s topic, so I won’t be responding to you again, no matter how many snide and superior digs you throw my way. Hope it’s making you feel good about yourself.

HikeForward · 25/01/2021 14:33

On the basis of what he’s complaining about, I’d say that if he’s ‘at the end of his tether’ about fairly trivial stuff, therapy would be in order for him. If he’s that reactive to minor things, he’s going to be finding day to day life quite a challenge all round, and therapy can help him transform that, so he’s more resilient when faced with situations that aren’t optimal for him.

What’s trivial to one person can be traumatic for another. He doesn’t sound reactive to ‘minor’ things eg kids, dog acting up, work etc.

I too would have a strong negative reaction to a cat that was damaging my furnishings and carpets, leaving fine hair all over the house, knocking over ornaments and stinking my home out because it prefers a litter tray to going outdoors. Oh and bringing dead animals indoors. Those are not minor things to me, they’d cause me a lot of stress.

For the allergies, I understand that daily meds are a problem for some. I’d recommend trying acupuncture or hypnotherapy in that case, both of which can knock allergies on the head for good/a long time

If he has the time and money to afford hypnotherapy and acupuncture though. They are expensive and require a lot of sessions to see results. He probably just wants rid of the indoor cat instead of treating himself with therapy and alternative medicine. I don’t think even a hypnotherapist could convince him to like the indoor cat at this stage!

Totallydefeated · 25/01/2021 16:45

What’s trivial to one person can be traumatic for another. He doesn’t sound reactive to ‘minor’ things eg kids, dog acting up, work etc.

True that it varies from person to person, but I’d have thought these are all every day type of issues and events. It depends what context and experience you have to measure it against, of course. If he’s been lucky enough to not yet have experienced a major stressful life event, these things may seem major to him. Or on the other hand, if he’s currently majorly stressed out about something, the minor things may be looming larger than their true proportion for him at the moment. If it’s the latter, for his own sake he needs to de-stress as far as poss. Difficult times, of course!

I too would have a strong negative reaction to a cat that was damaging my furnishings and carpets, leaving fine hair all over the house, knocking over ornaments and stinking my home out because it prefers a litter tray to going outdoors. Oh and bringing dead animals indoors. Those are not minor things to me, they’d cause me a lot of stress.

To me they are very minor. I guess it depends on your experience and value system. I like to live in a nice home, but I wouldn’t place that desire over and above the emotional needs of my loved ones. I value people (and pets!) over things. Others are more oriented to stuff. If I was that irritated about things being damaged I’d look to be working (further!) on my own resilience. Each to their own, of course, but the trouble here is that he doesn’t live alone, and his intolerance will negatively impact on his family.

If he has the time and money to afford hypnotherapy and acupuncture though. They are expensive and require a lot of sessions to see results. He probably just wants rid of the indoor cat instead of treating himself with therapy and alternative medicine. I don’t think even a hypnotherapist could convince him to like the indoor cat at this stage!

The acupuncture would need quite a few sessions, I’m guessing, so could be expensive, yes. The hypnotherapy would only need a few sessions, as it’s such a quick mode of therapy. So not that expensive. We don’t know if they can afford it or not, but £3-400 may well be doable, and why would he not do that if it means he doesn’t upset his wife and kids? It wouldn’t need to be about leaning to love the cat, but he could certainly learn not to get so riled up by it, and it could stop the allergy. I’d certainly expect my own DH to give it a try before I got rid of a much loved pet. I wouldn’t see it as a lot to ask, provided the money wasn’t completely out of the question.

I suspect we’ll never agree on this Hike, as we have such opposite views!

HikeForward · 25/01/2021 18:35

To me they are very minor. I guess it depends on your experience and value system. I like to live in a nice home, but I wouldn’t place that desire over and above the emotional needs of my loved ones. I value people (and pets!) over things. Others are more oriented to stuff. If I was that irritated about things being damaged I’d look to be working (further!) on my own resilience. Each to their own, of course, but the trouble here is that he doesn’t live alone, and his intolerance will negatively impact on his family

I don’t think it’s materialistic to want your carpets, curtains and blinds to stay intact?Having to keep mending or replacing things must get tiresome and very irritating. They may have paid a lot for lovely furnishings and the cat is being allowed to ruin them. Maybe OP and her husband have different standards. Maybe she’s not bothered by cat hair, scratched furniture and tatty carpets, smelly litter trays etc but he doesn’t want to live like that?

Same with the sofa, what if the DH had saved up to buy a nice leather sofa, takes care of it, but the cat decides to use it as a personal scratching post? Why should anyone have to ‘tolerate’ a pet repeatedly destroying and damaging their stuff?

Also they could be renting; scraggy fraying carpets, broken blinds and scratched skirting boards could lose thousands of deposit money.

And how embarrassing (after lockdown) to have friends over and your home looks like that. Not to mention the stench of cat poo, dead creatures and cat hair on the surfaces and seating. Maybe the DH wants to re-home cat during lockdown so he can get the house back into a reasonable, hygienic condition?

To me a ‘nice home’ isn’t just about stuff, it’s about the home being clean, tidy, cared for and hygienic. Nobody should have to ‘build resilience’ to having their things damaged. The cat needs to be trained out of these behaviours, or re-homed somewhere it will be less destructive and be loved by all the family.

Acupuncture and hypnotherapy may help the DH relax (if he wants to spend a few hundred on that) but it won’t necessarily change his mind about the cat.

Totallydefeated · 25/01/2021 19:16

I agree to a point, Hike, but I struggle to imagine that one cat could create the level of damage you suggest. And that there wouldn’t be ways round at least some of it, eg keeping cat out of certain rooms, throws on furniture etc. I wouldn’t buy a leather sofa if I had a cat, for example.

It should be perfectly possible to keep a home hygienic and clean with only two cats, one of which goes out. Regular vacuuming and cleaning takes care of that. Unless the cat is a complete menace to an unusual degree, in which case OP probably needs a cat behaviourist rather than a DH one!

I agree that if the cat can be trained out of some of the behaviours that would be a win, but I’m afraid much of what he complains about is standard cat behaviour, that millions of other people up and down the land tolerate happily on a daily basis.

Again, I think we just won’t agree on this. I’m an animal lover and get very attached to pets. As part of that I make allowances for species-appropriate behaviour, and factor that in before getting a pet. You obviously feel differently about animals, and that’s fine, of course.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page