What do I do?!

[PollyPhilly]

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

If a partner said to me "it's me or the pets', I'd respond with "do you want help packing?"

How do you know he hasn’t considered his family’s desires and wants to? Why is it assumed he is focusing solely on his own desires and lacks empathy?

Because he’s willing to cause GRIEF to three people he supposedly loves, so that he doesn’t have to be inconvenienced or learn to manage feelings of irritation. How selfish do you have to be to put your feelings of irritation over and above the heartbreak, loss and grief of three others? Three others you are supposed to love, to boot!

Adults are meant to have learnt to regulate their emotions. If he hasn’t done so, it’s not too late to learn, but it’s his problem, not theirs.

Because he agreed to get animals and made a commitment to them.

Because all the issues he’s mentioned are relatively trivial, were entirely predictable, and can be mitigated. He, however, hasn’t bothered to do that at all. He just wants rid.

It’s selfish.

Rehome the husband and keep the cats.
Win win.

NotAnotherZBrick interesting POV to cast yourself as the empathetic one while insulting me for having a different perspective.

Totally uncalled for.

There also seems to be little empathy on here for a man who made a mistake in guessing what he'd be able to cope with, and is now expected to spend at least the next decade of his life uncomfortable in his own home, for the sake of an animal.

I can appreciate not being able to completely accurately predict how something might make you feel. But I’m wholly unimpressed by someone who makes a big fuss about relatively trivial things, does fuck all to find solutions, and is happy to cause heartbreak and grief to his family.

Stompy perhaps in future tone down the "decent people like what I am" crap if you don't want to look a bit too self-regarding

I'm no more naturally empathetic than anyone else; I just think that it's as well to think a little bit harder about things than just leaping to labelling people as the bad guy. I'm probably no more impressed with the DH than you are, but I can still feel for the guy, cause he's clearly unhappy. And to solve the problem, his unhappiness needs to be taken into account one way or another.

I'm not too fussed if you disagree with me, or even if you feel my post is "self regarding". There's no call for slinging verbal insults.

There's no call for slagging off a guy you don't know on the basis of a couple of posts by another person, either, but the thread's full of it.

I mean for god's sake. It's a cat. The way people are talking, you'd think it was an adopted child. Yes, he fucked up. Now the family is in a difficult situation where because of that, someone is probably going to have to end up being unhappy. It's up to the family to balance all that out, taking into account the fact it was his fuck-up in the first place. Problems like this don't get solved by making snotty ultimatums about divorce or by drama-queening about "heartbreak" at the idea of a cat moving to granny's house. Maybe they'll find some ways to make it a little easier for the DH to cope with having the cats there, and he'll have to learn to suck it up. But no solutions get found by completely ignoring one person's feelings.

Another vote for Cats Best cat litter here - occasionally you get a bit of a whiff but generally I have to look and see whether there is a poo that needs cleaning.

If the cat/cats do end up going, he needs to deal with the consequences of the kids being upset about it (sounds like they will be). His opinions have consequences.

Problems like this don't get solved by making snotty ultimatums about divorce or by drama-queening about "heartbreak" at the idea of a cat moving to granny's house.

NotAnotherZBrixk You think it’s ‘drama-queening’ to be upset about losing a pet, yet NOT ‘drama-queening’ to decide a bit of pet hair ok furniture is intolerable?!

Ok...... strange set of priorities.

Why don’t you think he should make a modicum of effort to solve the problem in a less drastic fashion? It’s his issue, after all.

Cats usually choose just a handful of places they like to lie in. They don’t usually sit absolutely everywhere. Those places they like do get a bit furry, so a solution would be to cover them in a blanket that can be removed and washed. Or get a hand held vacuum cleaner. Or any other solutions that don’t involve a massive overreaction. Surely a grown man doesn’t need to make a big fuss about some cat hair? It really isn’t the end of the world.

@Totallydefeated Yes, I think it's drama-queening to exclaim on a thread that if you were the OP you'd leave your husband over this issue, and no, I don't think anything the OP has said has suggested her DH is drama-queening. Being a dick, maybe.

Where have I suggested the DH shouldn't make any effort? I don't have any particular opinion about what the OP and her family should do; I don't have nearly enough information. What I can see is that posters here are accusing the DH of a lack of empathy, while showing no ability to empathise with his position (as though they'd never personally made a decision that turned out badly).

Sorry, yes, drama-queening to describe having a pet rehomed as "heartbreak". Yes, it's upsetting, but the kids would get over it if it were managed properly. Not that I necessarily think that's what should be done. I just don't think it's heartbreak-level.

Maybe not for you NotAnotherZBrick. You don’t sound like a pet person. But it would be for many. Me included.

So it’s not as simple as asserting it wouldn’t be a heartbreak. It might well be. It could be absolutely devastating. On the other hand, I think it’s absolutely absurd to get upset about a bit of cat hair on a cushion. To me that’s so trivial compared to the love and companionship you get from and give to a much loved pet. And I couldn’t love anyone who was happy to make me so sad by taking away my pet. Or would be happy upsetting the pet. In couldn’t love somebody who could be so casually cruel for their own convenience.

I guess only OP can decide how important the cat is to her v DH’s fussing about the soft furnishings.

I think if you know someone who would provide them a decent home then rehoming them is sensible. You surely get a pet to serve a purpose (being a companion basically). If your pet doesn’t serve that purpose because you hate living with it then why on earth would you want to keep it for the next 10-15 years? If you really want to keep the cats & will miss having them a great deal then agree you won’t get another but you want to keep these ones. If you would rather not have the conflict with OH over it then give them to someone else. I freely admit when saying this that I genuinely don’t understand the people I know who act like their pets are equally as important as people. Cats & dogs have broadly similar intelligence and emotions as pigs or cows and most people who get excited about how awful it is not to go to all manner of lengths for your pet would also happily eat those other animals with barely a thought. It makes no sense to me and seems completely irrational.

@SameToo

Love that people are genuinely saying they’d divorce over cats. Pull the other.

It’s not over cats though. It’s about attitude towards responsibility, the feelings of your wife and children, compassion for living beings such as pets, not reneging on your word etc etc etc. It is not just about cats.

Am very much a "pet person" 😂

I just tend to save words like "heartbreak and grief" and "absolutely devastating" for things like the deaths of close relatives, rather than finding a new home for an animal I've owned for a short period of time.

he’s willing to cause GRIEF to three people he supposedly loves, so that he doesn’t have to be inconvenienced or learn to manage feelings of irritation. How selfish do you have to be to put your feelings of irritation over and above the heartbreak, loss and grief of three others?

Is it mere irritation and inconvenience though? I read the OP’s posts as the DH being desperate. He’s told her he’d rather leave his family than live with this cat. That says desperation to me.

For all we know the DH could be sleep deprived (due to cat), stressed over the continual damage being done to furniture, carpets, blinds, highly agitated due to the cat hair and smell of the litter tray. Some people are hyper-sensitive to sensory input like smells, noise, visual disarray, cat hair getting on the furniture and into their clothes. Half dead mice, birds, frogs etc can be very distressing to some people. Through no fault of their own, our brains are wired differently.

On top of that it’s causing him allergy symptoms, which aren’t obvious to OP but could be making him feel awful. Gritty eyes, itchy nose, tight chest, sinus headaches etc (all invisible symptoms of allergies).

It sounds like he tried to tolerate the cat but has reached a point where he can no longer do so. His quality of life is just as important as his wife and kids wanting to keep an extra pet. Kids get over losing pets. I think a pet has to be a good match for the whole family.

He offered to re-home the indoor cat with his mother and keep the outdoor one (I think). So OP and the kids could still see the cats.

I read the OP’s posts as the DH being desperate. He’s told her he’d rather leave his family than live with this cat. That says desperation to me

@HikeForward to many, that says emotional blackmail, not desperation

I just tend to save words like "heartbreak and grief" and "absolutely devastating" for things like the deaths of close relatives, rather than finding a new home for an animal I've owned for a short period of time..

You go!! Great! Good for you

I’m with BoltonB with this one, Hike.

Sounds like he wants his own way regardless, to me.

I get your point about sensory issues, my DD has some, but you don’t usually develop those overnight just in relation to a cat you’ve taken agin.

I also get the allergy thing, as I have them too. There are antihistamines for those. They’re v cheap!

I guess rehoming the cat with his mum is the least worst option if it does have to go. I would see that as a last resort tho, not the first thing you plump for because you just can’t be arsed to extend yourself. Like I said, the upset of his family should make him want to try other options first, no? Unless he really doesn’t give a crap about them.

I sympathise with your DH. I don’t like cats or dogs. I know this is impossible to understand if you do.

I wish them no harm and always treat them appropriately but I just don’t like them.

The smell of their food makes me wretch, the noise they make whilst licking themselves, the muddy foot prints over the floors I just find it all a bit grim.

And it makes me uncomfortable in my own house when I’m home alone with the dog and he wonders in and out of the rooms I’m in.

I tolerate him, but sometimes there are days when I’m thoroughly fed up with the dog and will take myself away from the family so I’m away from the dog.

We will never get rid of the dog because my DC adore him but god it’s frustrating and I can well imagine how someone reaches their threshold.

@Ileflottante

Keep the cats, bin the husband.

This. For many reasons.

Controlling, blackmailing, selfish, childish, and an arsehole. Get rid before he bullies you into everything he wants.

Okay so people are assuming a few things here.

These aren't cats we've had for a 'short period of time', nor are they lockdown pets. We have had them for 3 and a half years. We had our boy for about 8 months before we got the girl. I'd say he has only been making a fuss about them for around the last year probably less.

They do not keep people up at night and yes the kids would be devastated, someone said they might not care as much as I think. I know them, I know they very much will care. And I don't agree that I should have to put on a united front about something I am against doing which will upset them so much, if he refuses to try anything to help the situation first.

My MIL has not agreed to have them. She hasn't even been asked. He suggested he ask her ages ago. He hasn't asked. I don't even know if she would say yes as she has cats already at the moment.

We've spoken at length tonight anyway, we've come up with a list of things we will do to help with various things he's not happy with, I actually felt like we were both comprising about it for the first time since this has been an issue which is good.

Good news OP
I Hope they work out and this has given him some food for thought

How funny that a thread about a destructive dog that up had tried all sorts with was met with cries of 'noooo... think of the poor dog...the 12 walks you take it on a day aren't enough....the food isn't enough, you need to sacrifice yourself at the alter of dog and live in a revolting chewed, destroyed house where you are miserable all of the time rather than rehome the animal...'

Cats however 'ah fuck it, rehome the hairy poop tray Bastard'.

I think your husband is being slightly precious especially if he likes the other cat and a dog, but honestly I can't get worked up about having a miserable home life for the sake of animals.