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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do I do?!

162 replies

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 10:43

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

OP posts:
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 13:04

@Narniacalling

It feels a bit like he’s got fixated that the only thing that will solve the problem is the cat gone.
Yes I agree.
OP posts:
Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 13:04

I mean I hate sometimes that threads on mumsnet go this way.
But does he only ever think about his needs and wants and the impact of things on his life?

RandomMess · 24/01/2021 13:08

Lots of play with a laser light before your bedtime will help.

If she's cuddly she may prefer to sleep with one of the DC?

How old are the cats and how long have you had them?

Honeyroar · 24/01/2021 13:09

You sound very balanced in your arguments, whereas he just sounds selfish. Making up allergies etc! Does he usually get his own way? I’m on the same page as you- would feel bad giving an animal away, the kids would be upset, you should try to solve the problems, he should’ve thought more etc. I wouldn’t be impressed with him.

RandomMess · 24/01/2021 13:11

Also when it was bedtime we used to give our cats a treat (half a pouch between 2 as usually only got dry) they soon got into a routine.

Wake your girl up during the day as well, basically get her into a routine.

Ours sleep shut away for easily 10 hours at night and ask to go to bed. Some nights they don't even eat Confused and rarely use the litter tray.

Totallydefeated · 24/01/2021 13:14

How would he feel if you told him you found the dog so irritating it had to be given away, despite the fact that DH would be heartbroken?

Might make him cop on to how selfish he’s being.

CSIblonde · 24/01/2021 13:21

I'm sorry but I don't see what his problem is. Cats aren't always outdoors most of the time, some are very social & like being inside. They do scratch stuff, even with designated scratching posts. I'd tell him to get over it personally. Unless he's being nasty or cruel to them, in which case I'd re-home them,they deserve better. If he's not a cat person why on earth did he agree to get them? Very irresponsible

pictish · 24/01/2021 13:27

What’s he like otherwise? Does he like his own way in general?

GreenSlide · 24/01/2021 13:32

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

This will be a very unpopular view on MN but I think it's absolutely fine to re-home pets. Far better for them to be somewhere they're wanted.

I agree as long as it's done responsibly. Much better than keeping a pet in a home that doesn't really want it until it dies.

namechangeforthis24 · 24/01/2021 13:37

I haven't RTFT so forgive me if someone has mentioned this, but Cat's Best OKO really is the best ever cat litter. I used to use Cat San and it stank really fast, Cat's Best is a gamechanger.

goldierocks · 24/01/2021 13:37

Hello OP

I'm very much a cat person, my DP was not, having grown up with pet dogs.

When I moved into my first home I was asked to foster a litter of 5, who never left. They all lived to a very good age (first went at 16, last at 21). I was devastated. The cats were 8 when my DS was born, he'd grown up alongside them.

I got together with my now DP around the time I was cat-free. It was around 6 months later I felt the need to adopt again. I made sure my DS was on board; cats of any age can be very destructive until they settle into their new home. Apologies if I missed it, I can't see that you've said how old your cats are? Advice will differ according to age.

I got 2 sisters from the local rescue centre. The cattery part is at the back of the kennels, poor little things were terrified of the barking. In fact they were terrified full stop. I'd never known such frightened cats (they were 12 weeks old).

Got them home, barely saw them for a month as they were always hiding. Cats are crepuscular (might not have spelled that right) which means they are most active at dawn and dusk. This is the best time to play with them. Provide safe hiding spaces at different heights if you can, so your cats have somewhere to bolt to if they are feeling overwhelmed. You can get cheap cardboard cat scratchers impregnated with catnip; I've put one in most rooms and on the landing. I can second clear adhesive tape on areas you don't want them to scratch because they hate the sticky sensation on their paws. Once the habit of using that spot is broken, they won't go back. You can also try sprinkling out-of-bounds areas (such as stair carpets or the arms of sofas) with citrus oils because the majority of cats detest the taste.

My girls don't go outside at all and never have. They don't even try when the bi-folds are wide open in the summer. You can really, really help with the litter tray smell by feeding a high quality diet. Cats don't need cereals or vegetables, which are often used to bulk out a lot of the most popular brands of cat food. Their digestive systems are not designed to process cereals or vegetables, hence the awful smell at the other end! Switch to a brand that contains the highest quantity of meat/poultry/fish you can.

Your outdoor cat will eat grass to make themselves sick to bring up furballs. If you want to avoid your mostly indoor cat vomiting indoors, brush her regularly (mine love the mini Furminator brush) and provide an anti furball dry/biscuit food. It contains enzymes which break down the fur in their stomach, meaning it passes through rather than back up. Always make sure they have access to fresh drinking water.

When my DP moved in, he knew my cats were absolutely non-negotiable. At first he was like your DH, i.e. ignored them. 2 years later he adores them, and they adore him back. As he started spending more time around them/giving them attention, he noticed mild allergy symptoms. One antihistamine a day sorts that out completely! DP even talks to the cats in a silly voice when he thinks no-one can hearSmile

I would never countenance getting rid of my cats, but I would do everything I could to ensure they were as happy as possible. By doing that, I'm sure the issues your DH is having will alleviate quite quickly.

Good luckFlowers

MarieLaveau · 24/01/2021 13:39

I would not be staying with a man who said this to me. I mean this genuinely. I would be leaving him.

Because
A) It shows a certain mindset towards living creatures that is frankly repulsive and
B) It shows a complete disregard for your preferences

SimonJT · 24/01/2021 14:06

All of the ‘problems’ you listed on page four are completely normal things that every cat owner should expect.

NotAnotherZBrick · 24/01/2021 14:06

I'm an animal-lover but couldn't live with cats full-time. I house-sat for someone with a pair of lovely, friendly cats over the summer, and it drove me nuts — everywhere is covered in hair or sticky-feeling within hours of being cleaned, you never feel clean yourself, they beg for food, they scratch the furniture, you can't put food straight on countertops, you can't leave food uncovered for a moment or leave dishes to drain on the draining board, whenever you're trying to do something the cats are curious so trying to join in and getting in the way, there's a permanent smell of cat, they puke revolting hairballs in inconvenient places, the litter tray turned my stomach even though it was a covered tray with that crystal litter and poo picked out a couple of times a day… and yes, I'm allergic to them, in a mild low-level way that doesn't manifest as overt sneezing etc. but as permanently feeling slightly under the weather with itchy eyes and a thick-feeling chest.

I didn't complain about these things as I volunteered to look after the animals (including fussing them, playing with them and such), already knew I had a mild allergy, and could tolerate it for a little while to help out. And they were genuinely sweet animals. But I hadn't anticipated never feeling clean, or not being able to do things around the house without a lot of extra faff and hassle, and I wouldn't be able to face another fifteen years of it.

MartiniDry · 24/01/2021 14:14

SameToo, I can promise you that I know my own mind better than you know it. Given an ultimatum of "it's me or the pet", my partner would be leaving, pronto. I don't tolerate blackmail or animal abuse. Admittedly I wouldn't divorce because I don't see the need to waste time or money. Ending the relationship is sufficient.

That you wouldn't do the same isn't reason to insinuate that other people are liars or wouldn't keep their word.

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 14:29

@SimonJT

All of the ‘problems’ you listed on page four are completely normal things that every cat owner should expect.
I absolutely agree!
OP posts:
Totallydefeated · 24/01/2021 14:31

*PollyPhilly

SimonJT
All of the ‘problems’ you listed on page four are completely normal things that every cat owner should expect.
I absolutely agree!*

So what does he say when you point this out?

SimonJT · 24/01/2021 14:32

@PollyPhilly Had he met a cat before?

If he wants the cat to be less destructive he needs to make sure she has at least an hour of interactive playtime per day.

They’re like our children, if you ignore them and they get bored they’re guaranteed to do something really irritating.

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 14:33

I don't tolerate blackmail or animal abuse

I appreciate what you're saying, I do but I do need to point out that he does not abuse the animals, at all. He may not like them and would prefer them rehomed but he does not abuse them. I would never tolerate that.

I appreciate our girl cat probably needs some extra stimulation as she doesn't go out and I'll look to make some changes there but she gets regular cuddles and affection from me and the kids, she is not abused, nor is our Tom. They are fed, watered, cared for and loved by me. I appreciate my husband doesn't feel the same way but he simply ignores them, it's not the same as being an animal abuser imo, I think that's unfair.

OP posts:
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 14:38

[quote SimonJT]@PollyPhilly Had he met a cat before?

If he wants the cat to be less destructive he needs to make sure she has at least an hour of interactive playtime per day.

They’re like our children, if you ignore them and they get bored they’re guaranteed to do something really irritating.[/quote]
I'm sure he'd met cats before yes. He's never owned one before these though. I think the fact that they are so opposite hasn't helped.

We actually had our boy cat first (albeit not for long) so I can't really tolerate the excuse about litter trays etc.. as we already had him when he happily got another! Admittedly she is harder work so I think he was surprised that she wasn't like him and independent, outdoors a lot, didn't really require much in the way of active play etc... with us.

As PPs said, I actually think he would be fine with just our boy. It's our girl he struggles with in the main but ends up lumping them together as 'the cats' when he talks about it.

OP posts:
2orangey · 24/01/2021 14:48

Watch Jackson Galaxy on youtube. He knows everything about cats! There are various things that can be done to improve behaviour e.g. stop them scratching furniture for instance. It usually involves redirecting the behaviour in a way which is less destructive.

Getting rid of them should be the very last option when all else fails IMO.

steff13 · 24/01/2021 15:01

How long have you had her?

SameToo · 24/01/2021 16:02

@MartiniDry so you think the op leaving her husband when they have young children is the best thing to do, do you?

HikeForward · 24/01/2021 16:44

There’s very easily accessed information on cat ownership; he’s an adult and could have anticipated aspects he finds unacceptable now

All cats are so different though. Different needs, personalities. Sounds like the DH is ok with the independent outdoor tom.

I think part of the responsibility of pet ownership is accepting when a particular pet isn’t a good fit for your family.

HikeForward · 24/01/2021 16:54

I appreciate what you're saying but why get a pet that shits indoors if you don't think you can handle the smell of the odd shit indoors

Maybe he’d never smelt cat shit before?