What do I do?!

[PollyPhilly]

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

Yes to all the above for behavioural, plus if you have an open litter tray I’d switch to an enclosed one. We have this one www.amazon.co.uk/Curver-Litterbox-50-3x-37-3-centimeter/dp/B00I7WL962/ref=sxin_9?cv_ct_pg=search&cv_ct_wn=osp-single-source-earns-comm&linkCode=oas&crid=ZDT13ICV2IZR&cv_ct_id=amzn1.osa.eafba5ad-ed17-4a45-be3c-981b72766894.A1F83G8C2ARO7P.en_GB&keywords=enclosed+litter+tray+cat&sprefix=Enclosed+litter+%2Caps%2C552&cv_ct_we=asin&pd_rd_i=B00I7WL962&qid=1611507093&cv_ct_cx=enclosed+litter+tray+cat&dchild=1&ascsubtag=amzn1.osa.eafba5ad-ed17-4a45-be3c-981b72766894.A1F83G8C2ARO7P.en_GB&creativeASIN=B00I7WL962&pf_rd_p=0a3a8a59-63d3-4d6d-a65e-d0be4daeb691&pd_rd_wg=2XtVT&pf_rd_r=XAVXQDB1DV43WB75R37Q&pd_rd_w=jWCUp&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&pd_rd_r=d06e1d8e-deaa-4c9c-b508-a640d7346cb0&sr=1-2-483c64d8-df78-4008-ae20-e69f683e58b1 (although got it for £30 on another site) and use world’s best cat litter www.amazon.co.uk/Worlds-Best-Cat-Litter-Biodegradable/dp/B009ZUGJII/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&s=pet-supplies&crid=1538OWXSQ9WH4&keywords=worlds%2Bbest%2Bcat%2Blitter&sprefix=Worlds%2Bbest%2Bcat%2Cpets%2C-1&th=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1611507178&sr=1-4, which is flushable and contains the smell really well.

For the husband, I’d have a chat about responsibility. Him not engaging with the cats is part of the problem; five mins dragging some string around will help to wear out the indoor one and make them less destructive. It’s unfair of him to ask the family to give up their pets until he’s done everything he can to undesired behaviour. But it’s telling the it’s you on here asking for advice rather than him!

@PollyPhilly Try using a larger litter tray and give Tigerino Canada cat litter a try, I use baby powder scented and have seven cats it's the best Ive come across and will make a real difference to any smell. It's available from zooplus or bitiba in trial packs for about a fiver.

Although again I do appreciate what you're saying about him not feeling comfortable in his home which is why I feel so torn

Well no you may not appreciate me saying he feels uncomfortable in his own home, but isn’t that one of the main issues here, that you raised in your OP?

That he has a right to feel comfortable in his home without a destructive smelly pet that’s making him so unhappy he wants to leave?

I like cats but would never get an indoor cat as I know I couldn’t tolerate it. But then I’ve had cats so I know.

I agree with a PP. State you now absolutely cannot stand the dog and ask to rehome. See what his reaction is. What a fuckwit

*smell. - the fact that the girl cat won't ever go outside, he wasn't expecting an indoor cat who's always running about the house.

• the stuff he brings in, birds, mice etc...
• the behaviour of mainly the girl cat, scratching furniture, carpets, climbing blinds at night etc...
• hair everywhere.
• and this one will probably make me sound like an uncaring dick but.. he says he's allergic to them. But honestly, and I mean this genuinely, I really don't believe him. He never sneezes or has runny nose or itchy eyes or any signs of an allergy at all. He just says it because he thinks it'll make it more reasonable imo to re-home them*

Those sound like valid reasons to me. Don’t be too quick to dismiss the allergy, some people get itchy eyes/congestion/headaches that aren’t obvious. Cat hair is very fine (as you know) and sort of floats through the air and gets everywhere. I only have to cuddle my friend’s cat for 10 minutes and I’m picking hairs out of my jumper even after I’ve washed it. The hairs sort of ingrain themselves in some fabrics.

I too would not want my house covered in cat hair. Especially the sofas, cushions or wherever else the indoor cat likes to sit. I know dogs moult too but it’s a different sort of moulting.

The behaviour of the girl cat is unacceptable, she’s damaging your home and must be waking people up? Ruining carpets, blinds and furniture is not on. I would shut them both out at night. Cats are semi nocturnal so she’s probably bored silly hence destructive. Can you provide a heated shed or outbuilding for them to sleep in? Then you can also get the litter tray out of the house and no dead birds/mice.

Most people I know with cats shut them in the garden at night and let them in for breakfast in the morning. We did with ours too I think, apart from one very quiet tom who slept behind the sofa and never disturbed anyone! They’ll complain a bit then get used to it.

This is what's come up in our arguments about it before because I don't want to pretend to the kids that I had any part in wanting to re-home their pets and would expect him to deal with the fall out of it if it ever came to that.

If you decide to re-home them, or keep one and give the other to his mum (which may actually be a better fit for the girl cat) surely you and your husband would tell the kids you’d discussed the issue and length and reached an agreement?

If you say ‘Daddy didn’t want them and wouldn’t let us keep them’ the kids will be confused and upset.

Better to present a united front, or better yet have a family meeting and let DH explain why the cats are making him so unhappy. For all you know the kids might have not like the cats as much as you think they do, if one’s destructive and waking them up at night?

Get rid of DH - he clearly isnt one for making a commitment and sticking to it. What if you annoy him, or a child - Will they be 'got rid of'? OK so dont have any more, but you committed to these and should see them to the end of their natural life.

State you now absolutely cannot stand the dog and ask to rehome. See what his reaction is

Maybe OP and the kids also love the dog?

And I’m guessing the dog doesn’t scratch furniture, climb blinds, use a litter tray, destroy carpets, wake the family with nighttime antics or shed fine hairs everywhere?

Is it possible the girl cat is acting up because she’s scared of the dog? Some cats hate dogs. My friend’s cat became very distressed when she looked after a dog for a fortnight (dog was placid and didn’t bother cat).
But cat turned into an ankle-biting monster, scratched the carpets and skirting boards, and took to spraying wee and poo on the walls while friend was out! Then cat decided to live next door with a pet free elderly couple and never returned, even when the dog had gone.

I do think pets need to be a good match for the family for it to work.

you committed to these and should see them to the end of their natural life

That’s one perspective but not a universal one. I think if new pets aren’t a good fit for a family then you owe it to them to find them a home where they’re loved and appreciated, and don’t distress one family member to the point he wants to leave!

I want to keep them but I'm worried about how many issues it will cause between me and DH. He is adamant that he can't live with them

He can leave then!

Maybe OP and the kids also love the dog?

You’re missing the point. The point is to highlight to him how this makes OP, and potentially the kids, feel. As he seems to be lacking empathy or consideration for others. This may help him see it from their perspective, not just focus solely on his own desires.

If there was a real chance of a re-homed cat actually getting a good new home I'd say to take that road, because it can't be nice for any animal to have to be dependent upon a human being who obviously doesn't like him/her.

However, the chances of that must presumably be slim. Might the cat(s) be put to sleep if you were to send them away?

Seems to me that since it's just the one your DH really dislikes it might be better to try to press on and keep that cat away from your DH as much as possible. When it dies, don't replace it.

I feel bad for you, OP, but tbh I feel worse for the cats :-( 😢

I'd look into rehoming the girl cat with someone you know and trust. She actually sounds more attractive a pet to a cat lover as she is interactive and an indoors cat.
Keep the tom and when the girl cat is gone your DH will probably stop complaining as the tom won't be in his face much.
I would definitely not be taking responsibility with your DC though, that's all on him!

@Totallydefeated

Maybe OP and the kids also love the dog?

You’re missing the point. The point is to highlight to him how this makes OP, and potentially the kids, feel. As he seems to be lacking empathy or consideration for others. This may help him see it from their perspective, not just focus solely on his own desires.

This is exactly my point, thank you

@Totallydefeated

Maybe OP and the kids also love the dog?

You’re missing the point. The point is to highlight to him how this makes OP, and potentially the kids, feel. As he seems to be lacking empathy or consideration for others. This may help him see it from their perspective, not just focus solely on his own desires.

There also seems to be little empathy on here for a man who made a mistake in guessing what he'd be able to cope with, and is now expected to spend at least the next decade of his life uncomfortable in his own home, for the sake of an animal.

There also seems to be little empathy on here for a man who made a mistake in guessing what he'd be able to cope with, and is now expected to spend at least the next decade of his life uncomfortable in his own home, for the sake of an animal

Doesn't really wash when he already had one cat when he agreed to get another!

There also seems to be little empathy on here for a man who made a mistake in guessing what he'd be able to cope with, and is now expected to spend at least the next decade of his life uncomfortable in his own home, for the sake of an animal

Yup, I'm pretty unempathic about it. No one forced him to get a pet, when you get one you sign up to dealing with however things turn out, because an animal is a living creature with needs and feelings, not a toy.

Or am I meant to be empathetic to all the cheat husbands who got married without understanding that one day they would really want to fuck their co-worker, or all the shitty dads who had kids without understanding that it would a bit tiring and now want to opt out?

If someone is too selfish to make the commitment necessary, even in unforeseen circumstances, they probably shouldn't get a pet.

The point is to highlight to him how this makes OP, and potentially the kids, feel. As he seems to be lacking empathy or consideration for others. This may help him see it from their perspective, not just focus solely on his own desires

How do you know he hasn’t considered his family’s desires and wants to? Why is it assumed he is focusing solely on his own desires and lacks empathy?

It sounds like he’s tolerated the cats for sometime to please OP and the kids and now he’s at the end of his tether. He’s offered to keep the outdoor one and give the other to his mum. That sounds like a reasonable compromise.

Does it not lack empathy and consideration to try and make him keep a pet that makes his life a misery? It seems like he’s expected to sacrifice what he wants to please everyone else?

@PollyPhilly

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

“he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats”.

Sounds fair, he’ll probably be quite easy to replace.

Knew someone would try and compare it to having a child and struggling to cope 🙄 This is a cat. Not a baby (and not wanting to fuck a colleague), a cat. An animal. Whatever you think about what he should do now, is it impossible to scrape up a little bit of compassion for this guy? You think he's enjoying this whole situation? You've never agreed to something you later regret?

Knew someone would try and compare it to having a child and struggling to cope 🙄 This is a cat. Not a baby (and not wanting to fuck a colleague), a cat. An animal. Whatever you think about what he should do now, is it impossible to scrape up a little bit of compassion for this guy? You think he's enjoying this whole situation? You've never agreed to something you later regret?

No one said the cat was a child or a work colleague? I think maybe you've misunderstood.

I said that we make commitments in life without knowing all situations we might face in the future. Decent people stand by our commitments even if it is a bit inconvenient.

No, I don't have to be any more empathetic to a pet owner who's discovering their pet isn't exactly as they imagined than I would be to any other person wanting to go back on a commitment already made.

@Stompythedinosaur

Knew someone would try and compare it to having a child and struggling to cope 🙄 This is a cat. Not a baby (and not wanting to fuck a colleague), a cat. An animal. Whatever you think about what he should do now, is it impossible to scrape up a little bit of compassion for this guy? You think he's enjoying this whole situation? You've never agreed to something you later regret?

No one said the cat was a child or a work colleague? I think maybe you've misunderstood.

I said that we make commitments in life without knowing all situations we might face in the future. Decent people stand by our commitments even if it is a bit inconvenient.

No, I don't have to be any more empathetic to a pet owner who's discovering their pet isn't exactly as they imagined than I would be to any other person wanting to go back on a commitment already made.

Gosh, you're a bit keen on yourself, aren't you? 😂

Meh. I'll stick with my compassion-for-fallible-humans stance, thanks.

I can’t see anywhere in your posts @PollyPhilly how long you have these cats? If they are lockdown pets, I would consider rehoming one if not both cats.

When the time is better (if there ever is a good time) you could always consider getting different ones.

I’m not a cat person but if someone in my immediate family put pets before me, I’d have to give a lot of thought to my position in the family. Humans first, pets second.

I think the points still stick that a) he chose to have cats b) he is impacting on the whole family and c) I doubt he would apply the same logic to the dog that, lets face it, has a shed load of impact to normal life. He doesn't like cats. OK. Maybe shouldn't have got one. Dont get more. Not OK to say to OP and the kids that he wants it rehomed to suit him and who cares what they think and he has put no effort into this cat at all

I said that we make commitments in life without knowing all situations we might face in the future. Decent people stand by our commitments even if it is a bit inconvenient

Interesting POV. Decent people also recognise when ‘a bit inconvenient’ becomes ‘intolerable’.
They take action to change the situation even if putting the well-being of a family member first means breaking a commitment to a cat. For what it’s worth the indoor cat doesn’t seem very happy at OP’s and may prefer to live with her mother in law.