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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do?!

162 replies

PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 10:43

I'll try to keep it brief. We have two cats. One is particularly hard work, she refuses to go outside and is quite destructive in the house sometimes (knocking things over, climbing blinds, scratching carpets etc...). The other generally keeps himself to himself and goes out a lot.

Anyway, DH is adamant now that we need to re-home them. He hates having them, he really does. He'd never had cats before we got them (they weren't mine prior to DH or anything we got them together). And he's insisting that it's basically him or the cats, it's his home too and he just can't stand having them.

He isn't cruel to them or anything but he just wants to find them another home.

I feel really upset, I just feel like we've failed these two animals and I feel terrible about it but at the same time is it fair for me to insist DH continues living with pets that he hates having? I know it will cause rows between us as well if I insist on keeping them.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 24/01/2021 12:44

Rehoming doesn’t necessarily mean a rescue centre. Try asking around your friends and family to see if anyone you know could take one or both of them. Normally I would say they should stick together but it sounds as though they aren’t attached to each other.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 12:45

It's hard, I do understand why people are saying he's this and that but he genuinely isn't horrible to the cats. He never would be. He doesn't shout at them or anything and he'd obviously never in a million years hurt them or anything like that.

But I do agree his opinion on just rehoming as an answer when things get 'difficult' is skewed and I don't like it.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 24/01/2021 12:47

How old are the kids? Won’t they be heartbroken? My two year old loves out cats. Your DH sounds like a dick!

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 12:47

@bridgetreilly

Rehoming doesn’t necessarily mean a rescue centre. Try asking around your friends and family to see if anyone you know could take one or both of them. Normally I would say they should stick together but it sounds as though they aren’t attached to each other.
He has suggested this before as he thinks his mum would probably have the girl (she likes cats and has had a lot). I would feel a lot better about that but I still don't like it Sad
OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 24/01/2021 12:47

*our

SameToo · 24/01/2021 12:47

Love that people are genuinely saying they’d divorce over cats. Pull the other.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/01/2021 12:48

Honestly people that say get rid of the husband and keep the animals are absolutely ridiculous!
Of course he wouldn't give up the children if they weren't well behaved 100% of the time. They are children. Wosh people would stop putting them in the same category as animals on here 🙄.

There could be something wrong with the cat O. Boredom, pain, etc or it could just be badly behaved.

Purplethrow · 24/01/2021 12:48

I’m not over keen on our cat - she’s an arsehole who has pee’d on beds , ignored every toy I’ve bought for her, ruined curtains as a kitten, purposely spits food everywhere, walks mud into the house , does vomit inducing poo and wakes me up numerous times in the night. I still wouldn’t get rid of her.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 24/01/2021 12:48

This will be a very unpopular view on MN but I think it's absolutely fine to re-home pets. Far better for them to be somewhere they're wanted.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 12:49

@PurpleFlower1983

How old are the kids? Won’t they be heartbroken? My two year old loves out cats. Your DH sounds like a dick!
They aren't young young, both just over 10. But yes they would be upset.

This is what's come up in our arguments about it before because I don't want to pretend to the kids that I had any part in wanting to re-home their pets and would expect him to deal with the fall out of it if it ever came to that.

OP posts:
Ismellphantoms · 24/01/2021 12:49

My XH loves cats and we got two kittens. I knew nothing about cats and tbh was horrified at them climbing the curtains, scratching the furniture and their litter tray turned my stomach. I have a bird phobia and the dead birds they brought in was awful. I tolerated them, but after a few years my MIL moved into our road and they preferred the fresh salmon she bought them to my cat food! They decided to live with her and they lived to 17.

What I'm trying to say is that if the OP's DH has had no cats before, they can be not what you expect at all. I love dogs, but I could never have cats again. I understand how he feels and the thought of years of cats in the house may be distressing for him. Do you have friends or family who could have them? My inadvertent solution worked. The children could see the cats if they wanted, but they were safe and loved to bits.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 12:50

I would try all the things suggested - sit down and have a family chat about it, kids age depending. And try and find a workable solution
If all else fails, then his mums might be the best option

thosetalesofunexpected · 24/01/2021 12:52

Your Husband sounds Childish immature
The cat litter Smells is what your husband does not like !

Well what does your husband !

Tell your Husband when he goes to the Toilet, especially when he has a Shit or farts
It Does Not Smell like Roses flowers Either Too !😂😂

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 12:54

For those that asked his adversions are:

  • smell.
  • the fact that the girl cat won't ever go outside, he wasn't expecting an indoor cat who's always running about the house.
  • the stuff he brings in, birds, mice etc...
  • the behaviour of mainly the girl cat, scratching furniture, carpets, climbing blinds at night etc...
  • hair everywhere.
  • and this one will probably make me sound like an uncaring dick but.. he says he's allergic to them. But honestly, and I mean this genuinely, I really don't believe him. He never sneezes or has runny nose or itchy eyes or any signs of an allergy at all. He just says it because he thinks it'll make it more reasonable imo to re-home them.

We have a dog who is literally the best thing since sliced bread to him, absolutely adores him, proper man's best friend so I don't think it's an all animals thing, just he really has discovered he doesn't like cats in particular.

OP posts:
hartof · 24/01/2021 12:55

Do you have a feliway plug in for the stressed cat? I notice a big difference in one of ours when the plug in has run out and I've not realised.

KonTikki · 24/01/2021 12:56

Get rid of them.
I would hate having cats in the house as well.
Your domestic situation is only going to get worse if you try and keep them.
And if I had a cat that was destructive in the house it would be booted out pronto.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 12:56

So he doesn’t like anything that doesn’t adore him. Interesting

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 12:56

@Narniacalling

So he doesn’t like anything that doesn’t adore him. Interesting
Sorry I meant he (DH) adores the dog.
OP posts:
Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 12:58

Ah! Sorry
Well dogs are obedient. Does he pick up the dog shit btw

Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2021 12:58

Yep would split up in a situation like this but then I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t a genuine animal lover in the first place 🤷‍♀️

Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2021 12:59

Allergic? My aunt fanny

WeeDangerousSpike · 24/01/2021 12:59

I think you need to be actively playing with her - rolling a ball, toy on a string - to tire her out. He's getting lots of exercise outside, which is probably why he's calmer.
Your DP need to understand you (collective) chose to have these cats. They didn't choose you, you chose them. You have a responsibility to them. He needs to understand you don't just get rid of pets because they're inconvenient, that's not an approach your kids should be learning either.

Original poster
PollyPhilly · 24/01/2021 13:01

@WeeDangerousSpike

I think you need to be actively playing with her - rolling a ball, toy on a string - to tire her out. He's getting lots of exercise outside, which is probably why he's calmer. Your DP need to understand you (collective) chose to have these cats. They didn't choose you, you chose them. You have a responsibility to them. He needs to understand you don't just get rid of pets because they're inconvenient, that's not an approach your kids should be learning either.
I agree and it'd often my argument when we discuss it.
OP posts:
Totallydefeated · 24/01/2021 13:02

So what if the cat’s indoors?

I mean really, so what?

Why did he get a cat if he doesn’t like cats or what cats do?

He’s willing to damage the cats and leave his wife and kids heartbroken for trivial issues he’s irritated about, instead of having a word with himself and learning to tolerate minor irritations. What a prince.

What would he say if you tell him you will be just as upset as him if he gets his way and they go? Whose desires trump whose in his mind? At the moment he’s outnumbered in the house in terms of who wants the cats to stay v who wants them to go. But does he see himself as lord and master?

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 13:02

It feels a bit like he’s got fixated that the only thing that will solve the problem is the cat gone.