Not to tell siblings about mothers death?

[SunsetSenora]

I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.

I think you’re doing the right thing @SunsetSenora both in letting them know and by doing it by writing a letter. Totally agree that you don’t need to be subject to any of their angst or denigration of your mother. You’ll have done your duty as a daughter/sister by letting them know. A line drawn under the matter so you can move on to grieve your mum without that hanging over you.

Sorry for your loss.

OP I'm sorry about your mother...no matter what happened she was still your mother and you've done your best in caring for her while she was ill.

However, I don't think your siblings need to be told..they chose to go NC and didn't update their address with you (sorry if I misread but in a hurry just now and no time to read).

I've left instructions in my Will that nobody is to be notified as like your sibs, they have been NC (their choice, definitely not mine) and didn't provide a current address, so I don't even know where they live. While I do have one phone number, it appears to be blocked as it's never picked up, emails are the same.

Wishing you all the best at such a difficult time and please look after yourself because nobody else will care.

@LizFlowers

I think the right thing to do is to send each of them a small card just informing them of your mother's death, then try to forget them.

It's good that you reconciled with and cared for your mother, op. I'm sure she appreciated it. We cannot judge the difficulties your siblings faced growing up.

I think I'm pretty much with this.

A simple notification. Don't get engaged with them. You can't know what happened to/with them. If your sister literally wished your mum dead then either that's an extreme and nasty take on your mum and your sister and brother are just horrible, or there's more to this than you can know. Whatever the reason, it's their life and your mum is gone now, and you quite rightly as you say don't need any involvement with them.

Yes you should tell them. You chose to work at your relationship and reconcile. Your siblings made a different choice. Whilst you may not agree with it they are perfectly entitled to do what they want, it sounds like you all had a difficult childhood.

Be the bigger person and tell them. Why build more animosity?

Sorry to read of your loss

If I have understood correctly, you will be making contact but in as minimal way as possible. I think that is the correct thing to do, your being the better person for doing this.

One of the very few if any blessings about Covid 19 is there will be no wake/after funeral gathering for you to have to face.

I am NC with my dad but I’d hope my siblings would let me know when he dies.

Op I've not read the thread but do you know what's i on the will?.

Any one who goes nc should remember that's their choice and totally understandable but you cannot put that responsibility on your siblings who are in touch, they will be put in an agonising spot... It's not thier responsibility.

I agree with a pp. Tell them via email or text (if you can find last known details) but change settings so that you can block any upsetting responses.

@SunsetSenora This thread was never going to go well, because people with wonderful relationships, (or even decent/normal ones) with siblings, can't possibly know what it's like to be estranged from them, and to have toxic, or non-existent relationships. Sometimes it IS because a parent has been a total shit, sometimes, it's because the sibling is just a self-centred, narcissistic arsehole.

Maybe your siblings did have a different/not great relationship with your mother, (that you weren't aware of,) it's hard to know. I know a number of people who are estranged from their mother because of personal, sensitive issues and reasons, and they don't talk about it because it's hurtful.

And their sibling(s) who think their mother is great, can't fathom what their problem, is and why they don't get on with mother. They have had to give their sibling a wide berth because it's so hurtful that they get on with the mother, and they, themselves don't.

But also, as I said, some people are just arseholes, and the parent has done nothing wrong. And I also know a few families where one sibling is the main support for the mother, and the other siblings are just selfish self-centred individuals who rarely visit, and in some cases, have moved away, and have not been in touch for YEARS. No real massive rift, they just can't be arsed.

All that said, if (to the best of your knowledge,) it's a case of your siblings not bothering with your mother, and not being in touch for years, and you being the main caregiver, and main source of support for the past decade or more, YANBU to not contact them to inform them of her death.

IMO, if someone (not just relatives, but old friends, colleagues, and acquaintances,) have not been in touch with someone for more than a decade, they don't deserve to be told that person has died.

If they 'care' enough to turn up at someone's funeral, and think they need to turn up 'to show their respect' then why were they not arsed with them when they were alive? Why did they not 'show their respect' then?

Whether your siblings DESERVE to be told their mother is dead, is debateable, but you don't necessarily have to be the one to inform them. If they cared about her enough, they'd have stayed in touch, and would know she had died.

I am sorry you're going through all this, and I wish you well.

They should be told. I believe strongly in this even if they are estranged.

My lovely dad was not informed that his sister had died. There was no fallout and she was only 18 months younger. They had been close when younger but had drifted apart a bit They had last met at their mum's funeral a couple of years previously.
He has a surviving much younger sister who knew exactly where he lived and could at any time have picked up the phone. I also had cousins who could have made the effort. I don't understand why he wasn't given the chance to show his respect and neither does he. Like I said - no big fallout just a distant relationship.
I will never forgive them.

I know your situation is different but I'd still inform them by letter or email.

It's quite strange reading this, as I've been in almost exactly the same circumstance except I was the evil NC older sibling. I suspect that it's far more likely that the older brother has genuine reasons for feeling the way he did, rather than just being an arsehole. Very rarely known anyone to not want a family relationship unless it was causing them much mental harm, that the family member(s) refused to acknowledge was the result of their past actions. Younger siblings, especially much younger, don't often understand this as it's difficult to understand a life you never lived.

Tell him, he has a right to know and have an opportunity to deal with closure in his own way.

Yes, they ought to know.

Just a thought, your siblings may be willing to be in contact again now. Your close relationship with your mother may have meant it was too difficult for them to be in contact with you before.

Different scenario but I’m no contact with my dad and haven’t spoken to anyone in his family for decades. I don’t really expect them to try and hunt my sister and I down to inform us of his death.

Of course you must tell them. Email or letter

Have you had the funeral? If not yet I wouldn't do anything until after.

I would put a notice in the paper, and possible a very short letter to the two you may have details for.

I would wait until you feel strong enough to deal with anything they come back at you with. I would probably not put my contact details.

Firstly, sympathies for your loss. Is there somebody not as close to the situation who could pass on the information? I was given the task of passing on news of a death in the family to a cousin who has lost touch with his all extended family; no unkindness or serious breach as far as I know, he just wants nothing to do with us. I was asked to make contact if I could, and (rather to my surprise!) I managed it.
I was met with polite indifference, and he did not send any condolences or attend the funeral.
I was disappointed, as we got on well as children, but when I reported back, was told not to take it to heart; I'd given it my best shot, he'd been "kept in the picture", nobody could say we hadn't bothered.
An announcement in the paper, as suggested by many other PP's, is also a good idea; apart from anything else, they can't claim nobody informed them if they feel differently at a later date. A letter, card or email sent by an individual can be discounted or "mislaid"; an entry in the paper is in the paper's archives!

@billy1966

OP,

You clearly have had a completely different relationship with your mother than your siblings.

This is clearly great for you, but in NO way reduces the veracity and truth of THEIR feelings.

Your sister is absolutely entitled to the truth of her experience of your mother, even if it's vastly different from yours.

They clearly had a VASTLY different childhood to yours.

You certainly aren't required to share their view of your parents, nor to spend ANY time with them in the future.

HOWEVER, I don't believe you should dismiss the fact that they are absolutely entitled to their memories and opinion on THEIR childhood.

Send the a brief note informing them and get on with your life.

Allow them to get on with theirs.
I think you should try and find it in your heart to maybe consider that yours isn't the ONLY narrative, as you have acknowledged the marriage had difficulties and you were a late addition to the house.

This.

@SunsetSenora I am sorry for your loss.

But it is unfair for you to assume that your siblings’ experiences were not real because they don’t match yours.

I think you have a duty to make an effort to inform your siblings - perhaps ask a solicitor to send them a formal communication to confirm it has happened and that there is no estate. This absolves you of any duty or need to contact them and allows you all to move on with your lives.

My nan recently passed away a DF got in touch with his sister after a nearly 40 year estrangement. She decided to come to the funeral and it has helped to fix their relationship. Conversely my dad found out about his dads death through a newspaper as no one ever told him

@kowari

Just a thought, your siblings may be willing to be in contact again now. Your close relationship with your mother may have meant it was too difficult for them to be in contact with you before.

Its a nice thought and I can see how that would happen, and may be helpful for some people. However, since they have both cheated, lied, stolen from and generally treated everyone in the family like shit, including me, I am not willing to go there. To be honest, I was done with their behaviour before my mother was, she hung in there giving endless second chances to them so they could continue their deplorable behaviour. The upside is I tracked down my lovely niece who I have had very superficial contact with for years. Turns out she was going NC and was afraid I was in touch with her mother and would pass on info. So, I explained that I have no intention of talking to her mother, and would promise to keep anything she told me to myself, and it turns out she just had a baby! I am hopeful we can have more communication now we know its between us.

being the youngest I was left out of a lot of the dysfunction when I was growing up)

Yes, and you really have no way of knowing what happened to your siblings.
IF they have all cut themselves off from their mother, they had good reasons. You did it yourself, so you know. BEing older, they probably had a much worse time of it than you did.

I really wouldn't bother telling them.

They removed contact and have not stayed in touch - we're in the middle of a pandemic with many people dying....neither has reached out to see if she is still alive or to provide a contact. No they don't need to be told because they clearly don't care if she's dead or alive.

After everything you've been through you do not meet to go about if your way to find these people, they don't deserve it.

*need not meet