Not to tell siblings about mothers death?

[SunsetSenora]

I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.

[SeaEagleFeather]

People showing 'sorrow' and 'sadness' at a funeral of someone they haven't said a single fucking word to in a decade or more, really boils my piss

I will cry buckets because I really, really want a relationship with my Dad, but my stepmother stopped it and poisoned it and him so that whenever I saw him he did nothing but put me down, be nasty and hurt me. After 30 years of it I had enough; no matter how much a man is your father, 30 years abuse is enough.

But my heart hurts and will never stop hurting, and sometimes I will be angry, because he is the father of my heart and I wish so much we could have had a relationship.

[LizFlowers]

I feel for you, Sunsetsenora. Whatever you decide you can't be right or wrong.

If your siblings can be found, I still think my original suggestion of just sending them a card informing them of your mother's death is a good one. It's easy and then you can forget them (as far as you can), because they sound pretty horrendous, frankly. However you would have done the right thing as far as you can.

Then move on and live your life.

Good luck.

[Daisypaisy2]

@dottypotter

Parents do tge best they can. Nobody is perfect not even the kids. It's a total lack of respect to cut your parents off unless there really is some very bad reason. Says alot about you if you do that to your parents and totally selfish too.

Wow to your comment. What do you mean parents do their best meaning what?

I’m assuming you have a relatively good relationship to say something like this.

Children do not automatically owe their parents in life!

[Daisypaisy2]

@dottypotter

None of your children speak to you, right? Can see why.

no you know nothing dont assume!!

Dont always assume its the parents fault though. Plenty of children bought up in care and they often go back to their parents. They also want to be in their parents lives. Lots of Children who have had loving parents are emotionally abusive and estrange for no given reason. So therefore its down to the individual child and their personality nothing to do with the parenting.

If that was the case some people wouldnt love their parents and want their company even though they have given them up/being abusive etc.

Its good to look at it from all sides.
I believe alot of respect is also missing today from the younger generation towards their parents. I could never have cut my parents off even though we didnt always see eye to eye. Too much respect lus couldnt have upset them like that. Its selfish.

It’s different times I agree. It’s not even a bit comparable there’s many reasons. For one in today’s society women want high flying careers years ago it was not the case. Something has to give because you cannot be parenting to your best ability, running a household and holding down a career too.

If someone has cut you off it’s more than “you don’t see eye to eye”. It’s better to cut someone off rather than arguing constantly it’s no good for anybody’s metal health.

[Mittens030869]

@dottypotter

With respect, you appear to be assuming the other way, though. My F gave every impression of being a loving father to my DSis and me. He even convinced my DM of that fact and manipulated us into believing that he had our best interests at heart. (Because at other times, he really did act the caring father.)

The reality was that he was sexually abusing us virtually under her nose and she couldn't see it because he had done a number on her as well.

Obviously I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP's siblings. And it doesn't justify their behaviour now. I resent the fact that my DM didn't know what was going on when I was a child, but I accept that she didn't know and know that she was a victim, too, of my F's gaslighting and coercive control of her.

Family relationships are complicated and sometimes things are not as they appear.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

Dotty, you are ridiculous

[Nimue21]

Its all down to the child not the parents as said above. Otherwise how do you explain children still wanting to know their parents when they have been put into care etc

Wow. There's something wrong with you.

[dottypotter]

Don't talk such bollocks. Not all parents do the best they can, and even if they do, when that best is terrible, its not enough and it doesn't make it ok.
You have no idea what you are talking about.

I do.

What is not enough? Do children always tell the truth about their childhoods or do they sometimes rewrite history?

Its all down to the child not the parents as said above. Otherwise how do you explain children still wanting to know their parents when they have been put into care etc.

[dottypotter]

None of your children speak to you, right? Can see why.

no you know nothing dont assume!!

Dont always assume its the parents fault though. Plenty of children bought up in care and they often go back to their parents. They also want to be in their parents lives. Lots of Children who have had loving parents are emotionally abusive and estrange for no given reason. So therefore its down to the individual child and their personality nothing to do with the parenting.

If that was the case some people wouldnt love their parents and want their company even though they have given them up/being abusive etc.

Its good to look at it from all sides.
I believe alot of respect is also missing today from the younger generation towards their parents. I could never have cut my parents off even though we didnt always see eye to eye. Too much respect lus couldnt have upset them like that. Its selfish.

[Sssloou]

@SunsetSenora I am really glad that you have found a way forward that works for YOU. Only do this because it helps YOU. I do think that when you tick a few boxes it will be off your back sooner rather than later which will be better for YOU and then you can get back to the more important process of mourning your mother. I would ensure though that you emotionally protect yourself at this v vulnerable time and that any communication to them is one way with no ability for them to respond to you because they will say or do something to hurt you - don’t give them the opportunity.

[madroid]

OP, one further suggestion - you could ask a solicitor to write to them. If you don't feel up to it yourself. I don't think it would cost much.

You've been through a lot and need a few months of being really kind to yourself (not making yourself do anything too demanding or upsetting).

I am hopeful we can have more communication now we know its between us. It's lovely that you re-gained your niece. I hope you can have some nice times with her and her new baby soon.

[SunsetSenora]

And just to finish this thread off for anyone who wants to know.

1. Messages put in local papers.
2. Will trace them using ideas from here.
3. Because it is common decency.
4. All those people telling me I dont have any idea what it was like for my siblings and I am discounting their experiences - isn't that what you are doing to me?
5. I am not angry that the siblings went no contact - I said that in an earlier post. I am angry at the years of bad behaviour they engaged in before that, the constant blind eye they expected as a result and the pain it caused my mother when they finally decided she was the cause of all their problems and to cut her off, instead of their own shitty choices.
6. This was an interesting experience to post here - it was mostly helpful and to all those who responded with compassion I thank you. For the rest of you who criticized, interrogated and argued with me - shame on you.

[SunsetSenora]

@Lepetitpiggy, I am so sorry that happened to you. That sounds awful.

[SunsetSenora]

Thank you @changingmine, @Mittens030869 and all the other people on here who were so supportive. Yes, I ducked out because I had worked out what to do about my dilemma, and it was really clear there were lots of people who either could not see beyond their own experiences or just wanted to be horrible and I frankly didnt expect it to get so nasty. I did come back and read through the suggestions, and appreciate them all - thank you @UniversalAunt, I had never heard of the Salvation Army service before. Again, to all of you who have been supportive, thank you, I read your messages and appreciated them.

[Fufumuji]

Some offspring are self entitled brats. They wouldnt even have a life if it wasn't for their mother!!!!

None of your children speak to you, right? Can see why.

[dottypotter]

There are lots of children out there who esrtrange for no good reason. They whinge and moan and make things up about their childhood. Even if they think their parents weren't perfect they weren't either.

Often they don't even give their parents a reason they just estrange.Many loving parents are going through hell because of selfish children. You get cases where day 3 children have the same mother and let's say one is estranged but the other two aren't. They all have had the same upbringing. Its obvious it's not the parents fault then. It's the Individual. There are many ways of looking at this. Instead of finding fault with your parents show some respect and love them while they are here. We are a long time gone.

Also Selfish children are teaching their own children how to treat them aren't they?

Some offspring are self entitled brats. They wouldnt even have a life if it wasn't for their mother!!!!

[Mittens030869]

@changingmine I know, some of them were awful. I think a lot of projection was going on there; they were reacting to the OP's anger with her siblings for remaining NC with their mum when she had reconciled and looked after her. There are plenty of posters who are NC or low contact with their parents and it hit a nerve.

No excuse, though.

[Fcuk38]

Of course you need to tell them
As if you don’t you will be storing up trouble for yourself. You don’t know how they are going to react. What if they are remorseful? What if they want to attend the funeral? What if your sort out your mother’s estate and years later they are questioning you about it? Just let them know for your own benefit and complete transparency then they can’t blame you for anything further down the line.

[changingmine]

@Mittens030869

Sadly, I think the OP has long since gone, because she was upset by some of the posts on here. It's a shame, because there have been some very helpful suggestions.

Some of the posts were awful 😔

Why are people so unkind?

This is a woman who spelled out in her OP her fresh bereavement and trauma.

[Mittens030869]

Sadly, I think the OP has long since gone, because she was upset by some of the posts on here. It's a shame, because there have been some very helpful suggestions.

[saraclara]

The Salvation Army would also be prepared to deliver the news, I think. Which would save you having to witness the response, OP.

[UniversalAunt]

Salvation Army tracing service www.look4them.org.uk/salvation-army.html

[UniversalAunt]

I think that the Salvation Army has a tracing service to relay messages to people who have gone NC. Given the probity & resources of the SA they can tap into information about people not available to the general public.

It may be that the SA can relay a message on your behalf about your mother’s death & any funeral arrangements made. Given the lead time to find people it is unlikely that your family time would have enough notice to attend &/or COVID would mean that being there was not possible.

Let people help you with this.

[Fufumuji]

Parents do tge best they can. Nobody is perfect not even the kids. It's a total lack of respect to cut your parents off unless there really is some very bad reason. Says alot about you if you do that to your parents and totally selfish too

Don't talk such bollocks. Not all parents do the best they can, and even if they do, when that best is terrible, its not enough and it doesn't make it ok.
You have no idea what you are talking about.

[HibernatingTill2030]

@dottypotter

No I wouldn't tell them what a horrible way to treat your mum. Just what are they teaching their own kids by being like this.

I'm teaching my kids: that nobody has the right to abuse them or treat them like shit. It doesn't matter if they birthed you or raised you. That doesn't mean they can control you or harm you. Yes, people make mistakes, but if someone is abusing you, that's a choice and you need to get away from them, whoever they are.