Not to tell siblings about mothers death?

[SunsetSenora]

I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.

@MichelleScarn
WTF? The OP is grieving the death of her mother. Totally inappropriate.

Don’t tell them, they have made it clear they wanted nothing to do with her and they meant it. They washed their hands of her. They didn’t like her, the had no relationship with her out of choice.

I don’t know how you’re expecting them to react? It’s likely they will say “good riddance” rather than pretend to be upset. Why do you want to tell them so badly? They don’t care. Their reaction will likely annoy you or hurt you, if anything.

@Embroideredstars

The op hasn't asked for posters' opinions on her mothers parenting of her siblings but whether she should inform them of her death.

I don't supposed she needs questions about whether her mother was abusive or not!

IMO OP a letter is the best course of action, with perhaps a line to say you don't want to be contacted, or if they do contact you, you don't want to hear their negative opinions. All the best to you

Good idea about the line about contact. I was thinking of just not putting my address details on, but i think it needs to be clearer than that.

And thank you for your support - yes, the comments on my mothers supposed abusiveness are really out of line - a lot of reaching, due to projection I guess. I am not completely starry eyed and can see she had faults, but she was not an abusive mother. People like my siblings just want to do what they want to do, who ever it hurts, and she was a convenient scapegoat for that. They really take after my fathers mother actually. NC was best for all of us, really.

OP,

You clearly have had a completely different relationship with your mother than your siblings.

This is clearly great for you, but in NO way reduces the veracity and truth of THEIR feelings.

Your sister is absolutely entitled to the truth of her experience of your mother, even if it's vastly different from yours.

They clearly had a VASTLY different childhood to yours.

You certainly aren't required to share their view of your parents, nor to spend ANY time with them in the future.

HOWEVER, I don't believe you should dismiss the fact that they are absolutely entitled to their memories and opinion on THEIR childhood.

Send the a brief note informing them and get on with your life.

Allow them to get on with theirs.
I think you should try and find it in your heart to maybe consider that yours isn't the ONLY narrative, as you have acknowledged the marriage had difficulties and you were a late addition to the house.

This sounds appropriate & generous, OP. I hope it gives you peace of mind and space to grieve.

I think if you don't provide your nearest relative with an address, phone number or email where you can be reached then you can't expect to be told of a death in the family. That's a decision they made by not providing any contact info to either you or your mother. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't owe them the effort of tracking them down. How they feel if they eventually find out she's died isn't your concern either. It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions.

Absolutely not! They don't deserve to know and their response would likely be very upsetting for you

I wouldn't bother. From your initial post I thought you were still vaguely in contact with them but as you continue to post you are not in contact at all and also have a low opinion of them.

They have made their decision. You don't have to agree with it. You are grieving and should take care of yourself.

I did not inform my sibling when our mother died.

He decided he didn’t want to be a part of the family fifteen years or so before that point. I refuse to cater to his attitude problem, so I did what needed to be done for her with my father and the rest of the family.

I later found out that he had a grump on social media about it. I would do the same again. He made choices, I made choices. Simple as that.

OP, sending you condolences. It’s hard dealing with bereavement within a dysfunctional wider family. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it brings you peace.

@billy1966

OP,

You clearly have had a completely different relationship with your mother than your siblings.

This is clearly great for you, but in NO way reduces the veracity and truth of THEIR feelings.

Your sister is absolutely entitled to the truth of her experience of your mother, even if it's vastly different from yours.

They clearly had a VASTLY different childhood to yours.

You certainly aren't required to share their view of your parents, nor to spend ANY time with them in the future.

HOWEVER, I don't believe you should dismiss the fact that they are absolutely entitled to their memories and opinion on THEIR childhood.

Send the a brief note informing them and get on with your life.

Allow them to get on with theirs.
I think you should try and find it in your heart to maybe consider that yours isn't the ONLY narrative, as you have acknowledged the marriage had difficulties and you were a late addition to the house.

Not sure how I have not acknowledged they had a different experience and are entitled to it, or that mine is the only point of view. Seems like a reach.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Whatever happened between your mother and your siblings and led to the NC decision, none of that is your responsibility.
I think the efforts you're making to deliver the news are more than adequate.

Call them, let them know. And then move on with your life which ever way.

Funnily enough, every family I know this has happened to have really bonded after the Matriarch has died and they have come together as siblings.

@MichelleScarn

l can fully see that my mother had her faults but she was not abusive do you know this? Have your siblings said there was no emotional, psychological or physical abuse or are you saying this from your view and your mother's opinion? Why then have all your older sibs gone now, and what were all the issues you had to work through?

Not really sure where you are coming from here, or why you have chosen to zero in on this part of the thread. Yes I do know there was no abuse. Spent years listening to them growing up and asking them about their experiences. They were my older siblings - I looked up to them until I got old enough to learn what I thought was right and wrong so asked them stuff all the time. For a long while I was the only person in the extended family who would talk to either of them, as they had burned their bridges with every one else. I would have thought the fact I can acknowledge mum had her faults shows I can think for myself. So, my opinions are all mine, based on my years of observing, listening, seeing repeating patterns of behaviours. We are not all NC - my oldest sib is still around and lives locally. My issues - not that it is any of your business - were from the nasty custody battle between parents, fuelled by my paternal grandmother who was as nasty a piece of work as could be. As I was the only one under 18 when they split, it was very confusing for me. I was posting for help with a dilemma here, and am thankful to the vast majority of people who were supportive and tried to help me think through the issue at hand, leading to me being able to make a decision. Those of you in pain from your own experiences, I am sorry, but those of you who want to tell me my mother was awful and abusive or my siblings are blameless victims can fuck off.

Whatever happened in the past and whatever happens next, your siblings deserve to know their mother has died OP.

op- i feel for you.i think in order to draw a final line,you should inform them.x

I was in a similar situation when my dm died - my brother hadn’t spoken to her or bothered with her for ages. If it had been my decision alone I wouldn’t have told him , but my siblings decided it was best. He came , played the part, got his inheritance and fucked off again. I never want anything to do with him again and hope no one bothers to tell me when he dies .

But I think you need to tell them as by asking that tells me you need closure

@Archersandlemonade

I was in a similar situation when my dm died - my brother hadn’t spoken to her or bothered with her for ages. If it had been my decision alone I wouldn’t have told him , but my siblings decided it was best. He came , played the part, got his inheritance and fucked off again. I never want anything to do with him again and hope no one bothers to tell me when he dies .

I had similar. My sister had been NC with our mother for 12yrs, constantly butches about her and said she'd ring a bell when mum died.

When mum did die, I let my sister know and she threw an almighty tantrum saying she was left till last (she wasn't). Mum left all of us equal shares and my sister still only bitches about her.

I do speak to my sister on occasion but I am very put off by her bitterness.

The situation is always different but go with your gut instinct. My much older sister did as little as possible when initially our mother, then Dad, became terminally ill. Me and Dad shared care of DM with cancer. Always lazy and interested in little beyond herself, my sister did virtually nothing and then cut off all contact after widowed Dad was diagnosed with MND (an illness that is very hard to ignore). She said I was “playing the martyr” by giving up work to look after him and that she wanted nothing more to do with either of us. Was advised by palliative care nurse to tell estranged sib Dad was dying but didn’t see the point as she & her family knew his prognosis and walked past him in the street when he was clearly very ill and I was pushing him in a wheelchair. Fortunately Dad couldn’t see they were ignoring him due to an inability to support his head, rather like Stephen Hawking. Sounds to me like your sibs are not bothered, like my sister wasn’t bothered. My Dad’s communication was severely limited due to his illness but, at what was clear was the very end, I asked if he wanted to see my sister and he responded no. In my own situation, my sis didn’t attend my Dad’s funeral but was v interested in getting the solicitor’s contact details so she could secure her inheritance. She is a selfish woman who married a selfish man and they both encouraged the very worst in each other. Her husband only learned of his own mother’s death after one of her neighbours stopped him in the street to offer condolences. Clearly, if he had any relationship with his mother he wouldn’t have had to be told of her death by a virtual stranger. It was an Aunt who informed my sister of our Dad’s death. Your family history sounds more complex but I guess your sibs have a right to know so at a push write to them if there is no other family to tell them. If I were you, I wouldn’t include any address or contact details for yourself as it sounds like you’ve moved on from a difficult start. If there is any estate, just include the solicitor details as a contact. I’m very sorry for your loss, and that you’re having to deal with the additional stress of what to do about your siblings.

I was in same position when my DF died. DB and DSIS cut off contact years ago when parents finally refused to keep lending them large sums of money which they never paid back. Definitely my siblings were the abusive ones, my parents were scared of them and I saw the abuse up close for years.

I had a mobile number for my DB so, after much agonising I called him to let him know and to invite him to the funeral. He couldn't care less and was too busy to come to the funeral. His attitude really hurt and made a difficult time much worse. Luckily, I had no contact details for my DSIS so had that decision taken out of my hands.

When my DM dies I will definitely not be contacting them. If there is anything owed to them from the estate I will leave it to the solicitors to contact them.

Look after yourself, OP, if you don't want to put yourself through the hurt involved in contacting them you do not have to. You owe them nothing.

OP,

I have no wish to upset you, but when you talk about poisonous grandparents, nasty divorces, you are not speakinf about a healthy family.

You came later.

If it was that nasty later, what was it like earlier.

Again, grieve your mother and the relationship you had with her, but with your words of nasty this and nasty that and siblings that have all gone off the rails.......it sounds like it was a lot more tumultuous than you are aware of.

Hide this thread OP. You got some answers to mull over on how to contact them.
Once again my condolences on the loss of your mum. Take care of yourself it is very draining physically and emotionally caring for a loved one at the end take time for you, they'll hear anyway news of a death ripples through the extended family

my sister beat my mother up 15 years ago then cut all contact with all the family, my mum has asked me to tell her when she dies, something i don't agree with, she will find out on fb anyway, i will have to also tell her she is not welcome at the funeral...mums orders, she has made me executor without asking and something i do not want to do, only contact your family if you think they would want to know, just be careful with your brother if you think he is just after what he can get

Yes I do know there was no abuse. Spent years listening to them growing up and asking them about their experiences.

Sometimes people don't see their experiences clearly until later in life, they might know and feel that the experiences were negative but they don't realise the full extent of it until later in life. Sometimes people don't realise until they have therapy or some people never understand it fully at all.