Not to tell siblings about mothers death?

[SunsetSenora]

I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.

So sorry for your loss. I would contact them whichever way you can and then cut contact.

To add she said many times she'd open the champagne when her DM died it was bravado, self protection.

If you have no means of contacting them, then I wouldn’t go hugely out of your way to try to track them down. I would probably ask someone else in the family of a friend if they would mind having a cursory search for information for them and letting them know if they can find them.

It’s not your problem. I’m sorry for your loss.

I think you should tell them. It sounded like they had their reasons for behaving as they did. That doesnt mean they don't deserve to know

Ask someone else to tell them but they have a right to know.

My father was awful, beat up my mother, drunk etc and we went NC years ago.

My sister decided to make contact and has the same belief as you ... misguided, work pressures, all forgiveness blah blah

And I know you don’t want to hear it, but my sister made those choices and many of the family no longer speak to her. She’s well meaning but far too ready to ‘fix’ what she sees as broken.

I was pleased he died as were my other siblings.

You made a choice and I think you either make the decision to not inform them - I don’t think you’d go down this route because it’s against your nature, or you find them and let someone else speak to them and let them know, but again I don’t think you’d do that either. You want to be seen to be doing the right thing. You want to make contact, you want to tell them because you feel it’s right that they know.

They don’t care and for some reason you don’t want to believe that of them.

Ugh. Clicked too early.
Ask someone else to tell them but they have a right to know. Someone will have a contact details. There is always someone

@SunsetSenora

For those who think I should send a letter - I have no contact info for them and neither does anyone else in the family. They completely cut themselves off from us, I was the last of the family my sister talked to -my brother made it obvious for years he has no time for us. I can probably reach my sister through a mutual acquaintance I may have an old email for, (and yes, sundaysgirls, she said all that and a lot of other stuff). For my brother I think we will do the local paper - otherwise it is walking around the rough part of town knocking on doors which I am just not up to at the moment. Thanks all. On a human level I feel they should know. It is the personal dynamics of it which are so hard.

If no one has contact details for them, it’s no more your responsibility than your other sister, your aunts/uncles etc.

Everyone is starting at the same disadvantage but not everyone is grieving the same.

Put a notice in the local paper. Give yourself a break.

Sorry OP, didn't see your latest post. No, I wouldn't be knocking on doors. If you can get a message to them via whatever means, great. If not, it isn't your fault.

I would tell them. I’m glad you made peace with your childhood but your siblings have the right not to. Being older they likely also took more of the brunt of damaging behaviour. They still deserve to know she died.

Certainty tell them. Do it when they next get in touch....

You should tell them. We had a similar situation. Sent a simple message to them and ignored any reply that was toxic.

If you don't tell them, you are knowingly withholding information if you are aware they might not hear it from someone else.
Just send a simple email them and tell them the bare facts.
All you can do is be the sort of person you want to be and decide how you want to treat people.

you dont say how much younger but they could have had a totally different upbreinging to you and have their own reasons why they went nc you have to accept that

if you have no contact details then dont go o9ut of your way further than fb twitter etc they probably dont care anyway

You have had the empathy and maturity to see your mother as a person with her own struggles; perhaps your siblings haven't. That can't be your problem. Do look after yourself first and foremost while you're grieving, OP. I think what you have outlined is very decent and fair: a newspaper announcement of the death and a message to your sister through a mutual friend or relative. You need to feel you've done the right thing without exposing yourself to more hurt. Good luck, OP.

Ok, I think if you had contact details, a quick text or email would be in order.

As you don't, this goes into the pile of 'effortful tasks' that happen after the funeral, in priority order.

Delegating telling people to other people, is always a good approach.

Sorry for the loss of your mum. I think you should tell them. They only had one mother. I think the fact that none have been in contact for years reflects the childhood they had. I think if you are quite a bit younger, your childhood may have been quite different and you perhaps do not know the extent of what your siblings experienced.

@sadie9

If you don't tell them, you are knowingly withholding information if you are aware they might not hear it from someone else. Just send a simple email them and tell them the bare facts. All you can do is be the sort of person you want to be and decide how you want to treat people.

I feel like a lot of people on this thread offering the same sort of advice are missing that the OP doesn’t have contact details, though.

It’s not a case of just sending an email/holding or withholding information.

The OP will need to expend a lot of effort to track them down to let them know.

It’s not her responsibility. Her siblings accepted not knowing this when they cut contact.

There is no inheritance and they know she was getting old and didn't give a rat's ass. Personally, I wouldn't waste an ounce of energy tracking them down to let them know. If they cared, they'd have been in touch.

My late stepfather had 4 daughters he didn't speak to for 20 years. I let his ex-wife know, and she let them know - 2 of them came to his funeral. It caused us a load of grief later, but I don't regret it for 10 seconds.

I am sorry for your loss and the extra burden you have at this v difficult time.

I would do the minimum to make contact - for your own sake. The sooner you get this monkey off your back the better for you. It allows you to move on without always looking over your shoulder.

But I would do it so that there was not any opportunity for them to respond to you. You are not obligated to absorb their response or abuse - and you know it will be ugly - so don’t put yourself in that position. Either send a note or block after emailing or texting.

I’d just put an announcement in the local paper. That way if they are interested and googling they will find it. As you have no address not much you can do, I wouldn’t go out of my way to find them.

@Changethetoner

As you don't have contact details for them, and it was their choice to go NC, then I don't think it is your responsibility to chase them and find them. Put an announcement in the local paper, and maybe a national one like the Times, so at least the information is advertised.

I agree with this. Our local paper also puts obituaries on their Facebook page, if yours does your brother might see it. If you have an account on social media I'd also make a brief public post on there too.

I wouldn't do any more, if they've deliberately withheld their addresses from you. It's not your responsibility to track them down. As time passes, if anything turns up that they are legally involved in then see a solicitor for advice.

I'm very sorry for your loss, look after yourself.

I think putting a notice in the paper is a good idea. If you don’t feel ready until after the funeral, I think that’s ok.

As someone, who had a very different experience of childhood from her sibling, please don’t berate your siblings choosing to cut off your mum. It sounds as if both the situation and their childhoods were very difficult and your mother, rather than being able to make amends for how she treated her children was stuck in her childhood trauma.

You managed to reconnect with your mum and it was the right choice for you.

I honestly don't think I would tell them. I'm sorry for your loss. You've got a lot to deal with right now, you dont need any abuse from either sibling. If they cared then they'd stay in contact wouldn't they?