I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.
AIBU?
Not to tell siblings about mothers death?
SunsetSenora · 23/01/2021 19:34
I agree that you should tell them. It’s really shitty that it falls to you, even more so that they’re likely to make it hard and it drags up a lot of stuff. However at the end of the day it’s their mum and they should know.
Unlike others I think you should call or go in person (obviously not overseas). Even if it’s awful it’s their mum and it’s the right thing to do.
I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum and now have to face this. Get it over with or it’ll hang over you.
Good luck whatever you decide.
My husband had had no contact with his abusive mother since childhood and made the one family member he still had contact with promise to never share information or photos of him and our family with her. However, when he died I still thought she had a right to know her only child had passed away. I asked the trusted family member to let her know but also asked that she didn’t attend his funeral as he would not have wanted that. According to the family member she had said “well that’s the end” and “I won’t attend his funeral” and then hung up. It was the reaction my husband would have predicted but I live knowing that at least she knows. I also had my brother call husband’s ex wife to let her know - again their split had been very acrimonious but I felt it was the right thing to do.
I feel your siblings have a right to know regardless of their relationship with your mum but I don’t think you need to be the one to pass on the news and open yourself up to further upset. Do you have a trusted friend who you could ask?
I’m sorry for your loss, please look after yourself and ultimately do what makes you feel comfortable
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