Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

[ktp100]

I think you also need to tell them it's none of their business how much you earn or how you chose to spend your wage and that it's disgraceful that they are prepared to shun you and treat your Mum badly because you've worked really hard and done well for yourself.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

How entitled are they!? Bloody hell, that's so cheeky of them.
I wouldn't tell th anything, I would just stop contacting them and ignore it. Can't believe they have their children ignoring you aswell! Even if they do believe that you had a big win, they shouldn't be discussing that with their children, or letting them think if you had they would be entitled to a penny. What cheeky fuckers!

[Onadifferentuniverse]

They’re not talking to you because you haven’t given them money?

They’ve assumed you’ve won the lottery and have the audacity to not speak to you for not sharing? Even if you did win the lottery, it’s up to you who you share it with.

They are horrendous. Good riddance I’d say.

[MerryDecembermas]

I don't really understand the difference between a high earning job and a lottery win.

At the end of the day, you have a fuckton of money. It doesn't much matter if it was earned through 50/50 luck and hard work, or 100% luck.

Most people don't have a fuckton of money, either as a lump sum or as a high monthly wage. So I think the issue is more that you are a high earner and your family aren't.

Either way your money and you owe them nothing.

[Tal45]

Your mum kinda got herself in this position by telling all and sundry your business so I wouldn't feel too bad for her. Besides they're obviously not nice people as even if you did have a lottery win it's none of their business whether you tell people or not or what you do with the money. She's better off without them if they don't believe her when she says you haven't won the lottery. I wouldn't get involved.

[Thewiseoneincognito]

Do they know what you do for a living? It’s very odd why you can’t just be honest with them? Then again are they a big enough part of your life to even matter if you phased them out?

[RinkyD]

One of my siblings is very wealthy, probably a million pound plus in property, no children of their own. Rarely if ever sent my children anything, most years not even a birthday card.

Am I bothered, no because it is not their job and I am not a vile grabby person.

These types make my jaw drop with the brass neck of it.

[Dartsplayer]

Wow they've shown their true colours. You sound better off without them. CFs

[StoneofDestiny]

Ignore them. Whatever you do and how much you earn is nobodies business but yours. Can't think why anybody is entitled to know, less alone share in the fruits of your labour.

[Merename]

I think you need to just let this be. It’s very sad that they have made these assumptions, but other than reiterating that you don’t have money to give them, you can’t control what they think. I hear that you have sympathy for why they see it like this and maybe you can communicate that, but politely making it clear they have misinterpreted the situation. Nothing else you can do.

[ZacSWeed]

Bloody hell , you have work hard for your money and deserve to spend it as you wish. Dont let them get to you, so grabby. Enjoy it

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@footballfootball

Wow they've shown their true colours. You sound better off without them. CFs

Agree. Think of this as a golden opportunity to go very very low contact with them. You will then in fact have won the lottery by shedding these nasty relatives

[lordofthemings]

@Thewiseoneincognito

Do they know what you do for a living? It’s very odd why you can’t just be honest with them? Then again are they a big enough part of your life to even matter if you phased them out?

They know I work in finance, and that my job involves going to different offices to talk to people about it, and lots of being on the computer. That's about it. They've never been particularly interested in the detail and to be fair I can't really spin it into something that sounds interesting (although it is).

I'm not bothered about cutting them off, apart from the children.

[ReallySpicyCurry2]

Jesus. What a bunch of entitled arse wipes

Don't give them a penny.

People's attitude of ownership towards the money of others will never cease to amaze me

[saraclara]

"I have explained to you many times that I have not won the lottery, but I do work 60 hour days in a very professional, and thankfully very well paid job. I appreciate that you are not prepared to believe me, but I can assure you that DM's very modest home was only purchased through my hard work and savings.
If you are going to continue not to want to communicate with me normally, then that is your choice and I can cope with that. However, my mother is very fond of you all, and I would ask you to stop accusing her of covering up something that doesn't even exist, and to treat her as you always have. She should not be punished for a problem that you have with me"

[Santaiscovidfree]

Maybe start asking them what they spend and waste their money on.. Explain if they didn't buy xyand z they could buy a house /car /boat. Stop explaining and justifying why you have a successful life...

[frumpety]

I think I would be honest with them, tell them you lived a life growing up where you were constantly worried about money and decided to make sure you didn't feel that as an adult, if they would like to know how to do the same, including training to be in your position, you are more than happy to give them advice.

[katy1213]

Even if I had a lottery win, I wouldn't be sharing with distant family! Let them think what they like. I'd maybe send a postcard next time you have a nice holiday - just to rub it in!

[Tistheseason17]

It's quite bizarre! Your mum needs to put them straight! They are soooooo grabby!

[Santaiscovidfree]

Not sure why any advice implies you need to explain anything.
Fuck off nosey twats is a complete sentence..

[Cosmos123]

Congratulations on your success.

I hope that you can enjoy the fruits of your labour now. It must have been no fun been stressed by your parents money worries but to stop that repeating deserves a pat on the back.

You also are a caring generous person to help your parents out.

As for the relatives sit your mother down and explain that she needs to put them right.

If you can provide career advice for the kids or members of the family interested then that would be a great thing to do. But handing out cash will be short lived gratitude and the hands will keep coming.
You done great. Well done.

[NoSquirrels]

Oh god, sounds awful

I agree with the email, but not quite what’s been said up thread. I’d go for

“I know there’s this assumption that I’ve won the lottery and have loads of cash and am somehow being selfish not offering to help anyone else. I haven’t won the lottery - I work as X and I make a good salary. I helped buy Mum & Dad a house to pay them back for helping me study and get my good job. I pay off the mortgages by not spending my salary on other stuff - a house for my family and a house for Mum & Dad are my priorities. I don’t spend on other things to make sure I can afford to pay two mortgages.

You can choose not to believe me, but Mum’s also told you it’s not true I’ve won the lottery and it’s really upsetting her to be treated as a liar. You all know her, and you know she’s not. It upsets me that my helping my parents has managed to upset everyone. Please could we stop with the rumours?”

[LynetteScavo]

I'd hint at having got I to debt to buy what you have. It's really none of their business, but if they chose to think you should give other people money because you've won it then they're relatives you don't really need to see too often because they're mire interested in your money than you.

[ImsorryWilson]

This is so sad, I’m sorry to hear of it.
Well done for your great achievements and great choices.

[Norabird]

Sometimes the trash takes itself out OP. I'd concentrate on building up your Mum's relationships with other people rather than pandering to them. You'll never win with people like that.