Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

They don’t sound like nice people at all. If they were they’d be praising you for working hard and helping your parents.

What’s the saying again? No good deed goes unpunished.

What a horrible, horrible family.

Your cousins and their children have stopped talking to you because they believe your should pay their university fees?

To be honest I would be glad these people are out of my life.

If my cousin won the lottery I wouldn’t expect a penny, and I would be delighted for them.

Horrible people

I’d say this to all of them and then stop bothering with them.

“I haven’t won the lottery. I just woke long, hard hours. The fact that you’ve all decided that I’ve secretly won money and have stopped speaking to me because I won’t give you any of it, tells me everything I need to know about you.”

To people who have advised not to tell my DM anything about my finances again - yes, I know, but it's a bit late now I won't again. it's never been a problem before and I admit there was an element of pride in telling her what I'd managed to do.

I honestly don't think she says things to be malicious, she just tells everyone everything. I should have seen it coming.

The biggest issue is that they're not talking to her now, because she is a 'conspiritor'

Or rather, they're not talking to her properly and normally.

I'm afraid op that they're may just be a bit dim, if they genuinely can't imagine how anyone could earn 6 figures apart from a CEO.

I think sadly they're not very nice people either if they're not taking you at your word, and unfortunately you can't change that - it is what it is. Also, I would say your mum telling everyone everything needs to stop. Money makes people crazy, and if they have nothing and you're doing well and your mum is telling them this that and the other, that's bound to cause jealousy and resentment and rumours. Speak to her about it and ask her to be more careful from now on, because it's causing you trouble.

If you want to salvage the relationship as much as possible and also you don't care if they know in ballpark terms how much you could earn, then I'd be tempted to send a round robin email saying something like 'I know there's been a rumour going around that I've had a lottery win - I just wanted to let you know it's not true (unfortunately!). My job is as an X, which is a field I've spent the past decade working in - you can see generally what the average salaries and progression are for this, here: (link to independent website here). If I had won the lottery of course I'd be first in line to treat you - sadly, I haven't! Hope this helps to clear up the mystery. Love, X'

Up to you though - sadly their behaviour doesn't paint them as very nice people anyway though, so personally I think you'd be better off just ignoring the whole thing as ridiculous.

They sound horrible. You sound very generous, hard working and sensible. I'd be happy to lose these people from my life tbh so I wouldn't do anything to address then cutting you out and I'd just leave them to it. If you do want to resolve things, then simply explain as you have done here. You worked hard, saved up, didn't spend extravagently but were sensible, and that once it's all paid off you will be taking a lower paid, less stressful job. Though I feel resentful on your behalf that you'd even need to go into this much detail, just to try and satisfy a bunch of cheeky fuckers who may not even accept what you're saying!

As for your mum, I'd tell her that you'd rather not have her telling all and sundry about your spending habits as it's causing you problems. If she continues to do so, then I'd stop helping her tbh.

Maybe I'm harsh... My family are so different around money. Nobody is loaded, but we share and look out for each other. Nobody expects anything from anyone but everyone is happy to help those who need it if they're in a position to do so. Your relations sound more like my ex (my dd's father) and his family. They are terrible with money, happy to spend on rubbish and run themselves into unnecessary debt while neglecting the important things. My ex used to talk about how poor they were growing up but I soon realised it was due to terrible money mismanagement and spending habits. His parents actually received considerable amounts more than once from inheritance, but instead of using it to pay off their debts and so on, they blew it on holidays and cars and went back to being tight of cash the rest of the time.

While I was with him, an elderly relative of theirs died, leading up to the death (because he was very old and everyone knew it was coming), they kept talking about their plans of what the money go on. They acted like a pack of vultures. I thought it was disgusting. They were also very stingy when it came to others. I bet your relations would act the same way if one of them had actually won the lottery, you'd get nothing - and you wouldn't expect it I'm sure, but it's just a joke when they clearly expect money from your mythical win. One of many reasons I am so glad he is an ex.

Even if you had won the lottery it's up to you how you spend your money. Not grabby family. I wouldn't be dishing out my winnings to all my relatives!
I'd buy my parents and my sister a house. The rest would go on getting us a nice house and lifestyle, not needing to work, and setting our kids off to a good start in life.

@pandarific thanks for the thoughtful and measured response - unfortunately I think it would go down like a lead balloon. I've always been the black sheep in the family - quiet and studious while everyone else is loud and aggressive. I'm frequently accused of having various things up my arse because of the way I talk and act.

I'm not that bothered about losing contact (although I with the kids) but my mum is close to them all and is being rejected.

@CakeRequired

I really doubt they'd share with you if they won. I imagine I would be expected to share a lottery win with my family, but they wouldn't share with me for sure.

Just ignore them. You can't choose your family sadly, and yours are money grabbing gits.

I have that kind of family, too.

Agree. Ignore them.

If I were you I would do nothing simply keep a distance (unless you miss them and want a better relationship). If I were your dm I would have an honest conversation with the closest ones.

"I feel we aren't close any more and I wonder if it is due to this lottery win rumour. Lordofthemings has worked very hard and I am so grateful she helped us with the house but I can assure you it was not a lottery win. If I won the lottery you would all be treated believe me. I hope we can get back to normal I would hate to lose our relationship."

Or just ignore the cold shoulder be overly nice until they get over it.

What a grabby bunch your extended family are! That's so cheeky am embarrassed for them - even if you had won £50 million you would not be obligated to give them a penny.

Good on you for working hard and getting security for yourself and your parents. Frankly, in your situation I would be expecting my parents to defend me strongly against my extended family and their malicious gossip.

But that's ridiculous.

You could have had a lottery win. You could have won £200k and spent it on a house for you and a house for your parents. Money gone. No matter where it came from, they don't know how much it is, so how on earth can they think they are entitled to it?

Not all lottery wins are in the millions.....or do they think you do have millions but bought two small, terraced houses for you and your parents?

It seems like an awfully big leap for them to have made. They must have got the idea from somewhere. Maybe your mum has said something and they've misunderstood?

Grabby as fuck. Even if you did win the lottery why would you share it with them, especially with that attitude? Ignore them

As pp said, if you're earning 6 figures in your 30s, you're obviously switched on enough to speak to your family without MN advice. Otherwise how do you cope with challenges at work?

@tuttifuckinfruity yes - and here is where the mental gymnastics begin! before it blew up into a 'thing' and it was just starting to come out what they thought and had been discussing among themselves, I asked 'how much do you think I've won!?' the answer was basically along the lines of 'it doesn't matter because whatever you have won you've clearly decided to spend on yourself and not even mention it' (the 'not mentioning' it was originally the 'problem', then it was that I was 'not helping the children' out, but then it turned into what I think is the most honest one, that I knew they had loans and could have even offered a little bit to help out).

I'd just send out a family wide message stating that you have never had a lottery win but that after growing up with little money you made it a priority to enter a field that paid decent wages and promised yourself that once you were able you'd buy your parents a modest home and get yourself on the property ladder.

Don't tell them your wage but make it clear that you have no savings and your wage is now concentrated on paying off 2 mortgages so there is no money for anyone else and even if you did get another pay rise it is not your responsibility to pay for everything for the whole family out of your wages.

I'd make sure that they understood that they were shunning you over something that hasn't even happened but that is their choice.

They sound like absolute grabby bastards, OP. I'm not sure I'd want them in my life at all.

This makes me think about class when you describe your situation - in some ways you have chosen different values and aspirations to the wider family ones by saving; investing; working hard and progressing. This is not something the wider family understand as they might be more used to work and spend approach to money with a belief that they cant earn more than their peers. For them the apparent difference in your income could only come from a windfall as it isn't in their experience that it would be different. Do you think that if they did know it wasn't a windfall it would make any difference? It sounds a little as though they are jealous of how your mum has benefited and find it easier to see it in terms of being 'unfair'. The alternative would mean they could have achieved what you have had they worked harder. That maybe a less comfortable reality to live with.

Like a PP I really hope your mums house is in your name otherwise you could find that suddenly they have used the equity for something stupid and the house is gone.

Anyway, I know this feeling. My DH’s family can be like this. There is something we are doing and there have been masses of implications around how one of his siblings could benefit from something like that too. It’s infuriating and it’s hard to ignore when the chatter is always so I can totally see why you don’t quite know what to do.

I personally head it straight on (as much as I can cos mine do more if the poor little me, I am so broke thing more than the direct ask - persistence you see) and I certainly would in your case.

This ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’ for cousins kids is infuriating as well. Its to give the impression of close ‘family’ - and now it helps give the impression you should feel more inclined to treat them in a way that’s closer than you otherwise would. Too late to change them using these phrases I guess (when did they start?) but I would certainly start signing any cards to them with just your name and leave the ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ bit out.

Blimey.

They sound pretty awful but if no one in your family really has any money at all (??) I guess they have very little comprehension of it.

One option is to tell them what you said on here (minus the 6 figures) - or the other is to ignore it. They don’t sound worth knowing to me though realise you may not feeling like that.

If your mum's siblings & her kids(?) are off wth her because you bought her a house then she's better off without them!

They are definitely grabby and entitled. To not speak to you because you're not giving them money clearly shows that they don't give a shit about you, how you are your life.

I can't abide tight people and I feel that that's what they see you as, but you're not tight and have shown that to us here by what you've done for your parents.

Ignore your selfish extended family and stop giving a shit about them because they don't give a shit about you.

Honestly, I’d just ignore them and let them get on with it. That’s easy for a stranger to say on an Internet forum but they don’t sound like very nice people. Yes, I get that for some earning the sort of money you do is inconceivable, even thought it’s not that uncommon these days, but there’s no reason for them to be so nasty or indeed so grasping. Even if you had won the lottery, how dare they assume they can have their hands out?

If they've stopped contact with you, then that’s probably for the best - don’t contact them and let them stew in their own miserable entitled juices. You’ve made something of yourself - bloody well done you - and they have no right to behave as if it’s now your responsibility to make up for the shortcomings in their lives.

@Avondklok oddly enough I've never encountered this particular situation in work

The difference between my 'work self' (direct, firm, logical, professional) and 'home self' is quite startling really. There's not much hope of bringing my work into the situation, because they don't respect me and would just shout me down.

I've always been the black sheep in the family - quiet and studious while everyone else is loud and aggressive. I'm frequently accused of having various things up my arse because of the way I talk and act.

I'm not that bothered about losing contact (although I with the kids) but my mum is close to them all and is being rejected.

If any member of my family spoke to one of my daughters in that manner I certainly wouldn’t be mourning the loss of their company. I’d have thrown them out of my house with a boot up their backside and a flea in their ear.