Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

[sas1879]

what an awful family you have if all they think about is how they are all somehow entitled to your hard earned money. you sound like you have worked very hard for what you have and they are all very jealous. Maybe if they had all put in as much effort as you clearly have they too would be in a better financial situation.
I actually hope you do have a nice big win on the lottery and that you rub it all in their horrible faces.

[browneyes77]

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

OP, I appreciate your position. I am a v high earner in a stressful job. I am single with no children, but my siblings have children.

I secured my own future (house, pension, investments), then my parents - debt free, property paid for and a monthly spending amount. They weren’t entirely willing to take it as they do have money, but I wanted to do it and told them it was repaying for everything they had spent/done for me as a child. This is a private arrangement and not known to my siblings. For all I know Mum could be turning around and giving it to my siblings! I’m sure it gets there a bit in gifts etc, I’m ok with that. It is theirs to enjoy and if they enjoy giving it, then fine.

I am now considering other family members. Siblings, and the explanations and expectations too fraught to try and work out. However, I have decided to give lump sums to my 5 nieces and nephews on their 25th and 30th birthdays. I figure at these ages they will have student debt and have (or want to have) property debt, so it will hopefully be used on one of those things, however it will be up to them, they could blow it on a holiday or car. I hope not.

You’ve mentioned caring for your nieces and nephews, and not wanting to lose touch with them. If there aren’t too many, perhaps you could think of doing the same? I realise this could be seen as buying their affection etc, but if you already have this good relationship and it’s just being put on ice now due to their parents kind of preventing access to them, then this could be a gesture to restore it and to establish an independent relationship with them apart from their parents. Depending on the amount you give, it may mean working an extra 6 months in the job before you move to a less-stressful one, which is not unreasonable.

Just a thought.

Why should the OP work longer in a job, just to finance other people’s kids?

Apart from which, the OP said in her initial post that those nieces and nephews have also decided not to speak to her. So it isn’t just a case of their parents being entitled and greedy arses. The nieces and nephews are behaving in the same manner. So they clearly don’t value their relationship with the OP.

I’m guessing your family didn’t expect the money from you and it’s something you decided independently. This isn’t the case with the OP’s family. They’ve ALL behaved like entitled brats and they’ve ALL shunned her and her mother for not handing over any cash.

None of them deserve a penny.

[BlueThistles]

Im genuinely struggling to comprehend ... why you would even consider ... giving these horrible selfish entitled lying scum bags your hard earned money ...

Im just baffled as to why you would do such a bizarre thing

and where does it end ? you handing over cash just cements their deluded lies into Fact ...

and it will never be enough money .. they will want more.. because you won the lottery after all.. despite your protestations.. and you gave us cash handouts already ... well it wasn't enough .. we want more and more and more ...

Honestly OP... you give them money .. you might as well sign away your savings 😏

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

My friend married someone with a freeloading family. Her husband is very generous when giving away her money. His family are leeches and he's never going to stand up to them and tell them no. She's had to firmly stop him from being able to access her money and ensure money is taken directly from his wages to pay his half of their shared living costs.

[BlueThistles]

@PandemicAtTheDisco

My friend married someone with a freeloading family. Her husband is very generous when giving away her money. His family are leeches and he's never going to stand up to them and tell them no. She's had to firmly stop him from being able to access her money and ensure money is taken directly from his wages to pay his half of their shared living costs.

omg ... your poor friend...

yes people are always generous with other peoples money 🌺

glad she protected her own finances ☺️

[Hedgehog1000]

Weird how families can behave. When I got my first job after uni I was paid £17,000 down in London, working in a highly regarded profession. Qualified consultants at that time were earning upwards of £40K, but I was a new grad and not from London, so thought £17K was great! The reality hit when I moved down there. I was badly bullied in that job and left after 2 years at which point my salary was £21K. I moved overseas briefly to learn a language on a course at a university. According to one of my siblings however, I had swanned off with my "£70K" earnings to "live it up" overseas. It's now 20 years later and this is STILL talked about in the family, as though I'd gone off to blow (imaginary) money that I should have (for whatever reason) spent on helping them (do I don't know what), and there is a whole lot of jealousy and animosity directed towards me on the back of them somehow misunderstanding my earnings. I still don't earn much more than I did then and yet this sibling thinks I look down on her with my (imaginary) "wealthy" status, and acts as though she's so hard done by!! She has probably been earning more than me the whole time, and whereas I don't care what she earns, she accuses me of being money-focused and money-grabbing. I've never asked anyone for money for anything and have never been in debt. I live within my means and so have never struggled. I shop in TKMaxx, don't have any "labels", no jewellery, nothing fancy at all, rarely go on holiday.. I have absolutely no idea where her bizarre notions about me came from!

[BlueThistles]

@Hedgehog1000

Weird how families can behave. When I got my first job after uni I was paid £17,000 down in London, working in a highly regarded profession. Qualified consultants at that time were earning upwards of £40K, but I was a new grad and not from London, so thought £17K was great! The reality hit when I moved down there. I was badly bullied in that job and left after 2 years at which point my salary was £21K. I moved overseas briefly to learn a language on a course at a university. According to one of my siblings however, I had swanned off with my "£70K" earnings to "live it up" overseas. It's now 20 years later and this is STILL talked about in the family, as though I'd gone off to blow (imaginary) money that I should have (for whatever reason) spent on helping them (do I don't know what), and there is a whole lot of jealousy and animosity directed towards me on the back of them somehow misunderstanding my earnings. I still don't earn much more than I did then and yet this sibling thinks I look down on her with my (imaginary) "wealthy" status, and acts as though she's so hard done by!! She has probably been earning more than me the whole time, and whereas I don't care what she earns, she accuses me of being money-focused and money-grabbing. I've never asked anyone for money for anything and have never been in debt. I live within my means and so have never struggled. I shop in TKMaxx, don't have any "labels", no jewellery, nothing fancy at all, rarely go on holiday.. I have absolutely no idea where her bizarre notions about me came from!

you're right ... pure jealousy ... you did fantastic learning another language 🎉

[BasiliskStare]

@lordofthemings Bit late now to put the genie back in the bottle depending what your Mum has said but from here on in I would with go with "never complain - never explain " & just stop worrying about it ( if you can)

Or go with @NovemberR 's idea

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

This is an awful and sad position to be in because you are understandably upset about your DM feeling hurt by the behaviour of your wider family. It is always more painful when it is done to those we love. But as many others pointed out, she sadly overshared and allowed everyone to get into her and by proxy your business. I would not bother with a letter or any explanation in your place. You will be blamed and loathed anyway. You need to learn to ignore them, as well as others like them and grow a thicker skin and distance yourself from that lot. You know that you owe no one a single penny. Not even really your parents but I really respect that you wanted to make things easier for them. Just ensure that you don’t burn yourself out in the long run. I am so pleased to hear that both houses are in your name. Just block and disengage and focus on your own future. You really deserve it

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

@browneyes77 no one in my family ‘deserved’ a penny either, but on reflection it was what I wanted to do for the children.

@lordofthemings had mentioned at least twice that she would regret not being in contact with the nieces/nephews/children of the family, and I thought it might be helpful to her to hear what I had decided to do in similar circumstances.

Like her, I don’t have children, and I know how dear the children of the extended family then become to you. As @lordofthemings mentioned it twice in her posts, it seemed clear she felt a similar way.

[123becauseicouldntthinkofone]

Wow, to be honest it probably sounds that you are better off rid of them! I feel sorry for your parents as well as they sound like they have probably said it out of being proud of how well you have done and how you have looked after them rather than gossip or gloating but it is probably best that you have a word and ask them not to discuss your life with them. Anyway more to the point sod the rest of them and well done as all your hard work has paid off for you and your family and good luck

[TerrifiedOfTrying4No2]

Laugh it off and let them think as they will. If your family are happy to ignore you over the insignificance of feeling entitled to your money then they are people who aren’t worth having around.

[BasiliskStare]

OK so I would either do as above - ignore it - if that is going to cause friction with family you would not like to fall out with - I would talk to your mother and say - Just at the moment I have a job which I hope will give me some security and I hope you too. It is quite stressful if other (insert whatever family you think here ) think I have a huge pot of money - I do not. So can we just stop talking about my money because it will only go so far & I have prioritised it. There is no more.

Well - not sure the best way of phrasing it but you see the gist.

[CostaDelCovid]

@PandemicAtTheDisco

My friend married someone with a freeloading family. Her husband is very generous when giving away her money. His family are leeches and he's never going to stand up to them and tell them no. She's had to firmly stop him from being able to access her money and ensure money is taken directly from his wages to pay his half of their shared living costs.

Wow! Poor woman. How did he react when he found out that she'd stopped his access to her money?

[297vic]

So they've basically made up a story about you winning the lottery and are getting heated about their own pretend story? Thats so strange how anyone could make such a huge assumption and cause so much drama about it even after you have denied it. Why hasn't your mom just told them to stop being weird and to mind their own business instead of crying about it down the phone?
Have you been earning this salary for a while or has it come about all of a sudden?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

@CostaDelCovid
Really, really unhappy!!.

@BlueThistles
She needs to divorce him. The situation will never change. She can't stop him getting more cards and loans.

[TheABC]

OP, congratulations on your career and caring heart!

I second building up savings and pension (but I am sure you already have a plan for that) and not giving your greedy extended family a penny. The harsh reality now is that you are seen as a golden goose and lottery win or not, they will always have their hand out.

You can't put that genie back into the bottle. You can, however, gently point your parents in the direction of MoneySavingExpert and other resources that will help them make better financial choices in the future.

[BlueThistles]

[quote PandemicAtTheDisco]@CostaDelCovid
Really, really unhappy!!.

@BlueThistles
She needs to divorce him. The situation will never change. She can't stop him getting more cards and loans.[/quote]


I hope she does Divorce him 🌺

[IdblowJonSnow]

That's awful OP. I'd do nothing and feel glad they aren't in your life. But it must sting a bit. Perhaps a lesson for your mum to keep her business to herself a bit more too...

[MellowMelly]

Op I just want you to know this is in the daily mail

[Redwinestillfine]

Yes daily fail has it. You may want to report to get it removed op

[mofro]

You’ve made the Daily M OP


www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-9183555/Woman-reveals-extended-family-bizarrely-think-HIDING-lottery-win.html

[rosegoldivy]

Yup have just read this on daily fail

[Santaiscovidfree]

Now your family can see the unanimous opinions.
Can't be bad imo.

[ShimmyPop]

Wow, when I read your problem, for most of it, I felt like I was staring into a mirror. After a really tough start in life, I too was determined to do well, earn 6 figs, be debt free, own my own home and as if never been in holiday with my mother, flew her business class to Dubai as a treat with no expense spared. But that's not why I'm here....I really don't think advising you on what you should have done is helpful. What I want you to consider, is how you handle the fall out.

Firstly on a scale of 1-10, how much do you care about what this so-called family think?

Now, same again, how does your mum feel?

If your score is low on both counts then stop investing any further energy in the matter. (Consider for a moment whether you would behave in this way regarding another relative, or whether you would say, "how lovely, what kind, loving daughter") I suspect it's the latter.

If on the other hand you are concerned, and you're mum is upset, then I'm afraid you need to hit this head on with a message to your family, asserting that you work hard, have not won the lottery and that life is too short and too precious for this ridiculous speculation; and be unapologetic! If you need some inspiration try reading "resilient me" by Sam Owen. This isn't about them, it's about how you shut it down and carry being amazing that's important. You wonderful, kind human being!