Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

[redistributingU]

Don’t send then anything they all sound grabby and unpleasant

[picklemewalnuts]

If it ever comes up in conversation, say I've worked and saved damn hard! Say to your mum, I've saved hard for this, be careful!

Just drop it into conversation at every opportunity- yes, every penny I earn goes on a house of me and my parents. Tell your mother you can't go to whatever event because you are working all hours.

You just need to change the narrative from 'lucky tea!' to 'poor tea works so hard', 'Tea the worksholic' etc.

And ignore them. They haven't got your best interests at heart.

[Chambored]

This is bonkers!
If it were me, I’d send a family email saying something along the lines of :
I have no idea where this ridiculous notion of a lottery win has come from. I shouldn’t have to justify my financial situation to any of you, but given you are all now excluding me and my parents I want to put this to bed for and for all. I have not won the lottery. I have simply helped my parents out. Therefore, I have no money to help anyone else. However, even if I did win the lottery no-one should automatically assume I would help them out, especially not after recent behaviour.
I trust this has clarified the situation and do not expect to hear any more speculation on the matter.

I’m not saying I agree with you having to do this BTW. Only if you / your parents want to maintain relationships with the wider family. Equally you could just use this opportunity to ignore the cheeky feckers.

If you decide to say something, I would also have strong words with your Mum to STFU and stop passing info on to the family, as it’s pretty clear her doing so hasn’t helped.

[picklemewalnuts]

And offer the kids careers advice.

[converseandjeans]

Just tell them what you told us on here. That you are working 60hrs a week to pay things off & that once you're settled you need to have more relaxation time. That you want to help your parents feel more settled.

They do sound quite grabby though. So tbh I would keep more distance & leave them to it. They're probably not sure how you could ever earn that much.

I really admire you btw - I am late 40s and not that sorted!

[Whatisthis543]

Also what are you thinking of taking a step down to? A little off topic but genuinely interested as I find myself in a similar situation; comfortable financially due to massively stressful job but wondering now the ‘big debts like mortgage/car etc’ are minimal about taking a step down career wise.

[shiningstar2]

You are very generous to have bought your parents a house. In your position, intending to go into a less stressful but less well paid job later, I think I would have kept their house in my name and let them live in it rent free, or if this would cause tax problems for you [not sure] for a peppercorn rent that you could then return to them. That way they would have all the pleasure and security of living rent free but would stop your grabby relatives aiming to get a share when your parents pass away. That way, when you have less money yourself, you will have the house returned to your estate.

[CakeRequired]

I really doubt they'd share with you if they won. I imagine I would be expected to share a lottery win with my family, but they wouldn't share with me for sure.

Just ignore them. You can't choose your family sadly, and yours are money grabbing gits.

[HTH1]

It sounds like it was a mistake to bail out your parents (you would have been better off and still speaking to the rest of the family if you had bought yourself a £200k property or used the second as a buy to let). The kindest deed is always punished.

Sadly, there is not a lot you can do now but rise above it and stop giving away your money - use it to shore up your future instead.

[NovemberR]

If they have stopped calling there is no need to do anything.

If they call and say you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/ then my answer would be I'm living in a terraced house, you stupid fucker. Why would you assume I'd won the lottery - and why would you assume your DC are owed any of my hard worked for money?

But then, I'm noted for my tact.

[gasgig]

They sound bizarre & you have done very well to afford all that.

The thing is even if they know what you earn they probably won't grasp that you don't take home 6 figures & it actually doesn't go that far n

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

You laugh in their faces and tell them to get to fuck.
Please tell me you actually own your parents house and it's not in their names though. If they are so shit with money and the house is paid off and in their name, they could borrow against it or do equity release or something daft.

[Souther]

Absolutely shocking.
I would just day once I hadn't had a swim and then just ignore.
It's not worth the effort.

[Souther]

Say once.
Hadnt had a win

[rose69]

Tell them that you had a lottery win and it all went in buying your parents a house so there is no more left

[GreenlandTheMovie]

This attitude is soooo annoying. Ex-inlaws had the same attitude but instead used to regularly accuse me of being a golddigger and when once I took a month off between finishing an old job and starting a new job, ex FIL said I was unemployed and should contact a local supermarket to see if they could "find me something". It didn't matter how many times it was explained to them that I was a very well paid professional who earned quite a lot more than their son, they couldn't compute it. It is one of the reasons he is an ex (because he wouldn't stand up for me). The other reason is I got so fed up with it I had to cut them off as otherwise I would have had to be very rude to them!

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Sound very much like your mother has well and truly gilded your lily!

Maybe she should put them all right.

[AlrightyThen1234]

You are not responsible for these shameless, entitled fucking morons. Cut them off... also... well done OP. You should be very, very proud of yourself x

[hansgrueber]

Why would you be expected to share a lottery win, even were you to win one? Are you expected to share your debts with them too?

[hansgrueber]

@Souther

Say once.
Hadnt had a win

No, don't indulge them, tell them whatever you have or have not won is none of their business. Leave them stewing in their own neuroses.

[Floralnomad]

Just ignore them , people like this are no loss to your life .

[Santaiscovidfree]

Make sure your will is very explicit or the ones left behind will have the grabby fuckers clawing at the door..

[Heybeendyingtomeetyou]

@LadyDique

In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc

I don't understand this at all and think you must be laying it on a bit thick op.

This type of comment would be so easy to shut down by telling them you haven't had any lottery win and do they really think you'd still be living in a small terraced house if you had?! Hahaha etc.

^I agree. A simple ‘I haven’t won any money, I don’t know why you think I’ve got any spare’ is all that’s needed.

[altiara]

I’d start with your parents - ask them what they’ve said to family, tell them comments you’ve had and ask why they think you’ve had a lottery win.

Doesn’t sound like your uncles are now in touch (mums brothers?) - but I would bluntly say you’ve got a very good job and are working hard paying for 2 mortgages and a car (they don’t need to know what’s paid off).

[AcornAutumn]

Ignore them

I haven't done half as well as you but what I have is partly due to what others see as extreme scrimping and saving.

I see it as part of budgeting and normal life.

So I get questions but it's the sort of person who would be horrified by what I don't spend who asks in the first place, if you see what I mean.